OHHH my goodness oh my goodness,

I was talking to a coworker about living abroad to bolster language skills and she told me I should look into being an au pair in Spain.....I am wondering why I never thought of doing that before...because I just did some research and it sounds like the most AMAZING opportunity everrrr and now i am slightly freaking out here

free room and board, job taken care of, living in Spain, immersed in the language, weekend travel opportunities galore, um.......................i don't know what to do

this would be the answer for so much of what i've been thinking about.

but that means, come May, another decision has to be made. my now-boss is already dropping hints about permanent hiring opportunities, my old internship boss still wants me back full time, and oh man

i'm trippin

-lunch break-

I thought I'd post a translation of one of my favorite songs ever, "Todo Cambia," by the great Peruvian folk singer Mercedes Sosa...since i think everyone should hear it, except that it's in a language most of my friends don't understand, so:

Cambia lo superficial (the superficial changes)
cambia también lo profundo (as does the profound)
cambia el modo de pensar (our way of thinking changes)
cambia todo en este mundo (as does everything in this world)

Cambia el clima con los años (the climate changes over the years)
cambia el pastor su rebaño (the shepherd changes his flock)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia el mas fino brillante (don't quite get this and the next line...)
de mano en mano su brillo
cambia el nido el pajarillo (the bird changes his nest)
cambia el sentir un amante (a lover changes his feelings)

Cambia el rumbo el caminante (the wanderer changes his course)
aunque esto le cause daño (although this may cause him harm)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia (...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia

Cambia el sol en su carrera (the sun changes in its path)
cuando la noche subsiste (as the night continues on)
cambia la planta y se viste (the plant changes and colors itself)
de verde en la primavera (with the green of Spring)

Cambia el pelaje la fiera (the wild animal changes its coat)
Cambia el cabello el anciano (the old man changes his hair)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change)
por mas lejos que me encuentre (no matter how far away you may find me)
ni el recuerdo ni el dolor (neither do the memory nor the pain change)
de mi pueblo y de mi gente (of my town and of my people)

Lo que cambió ayer (that which changed yesterday)
tendrá que cambiar mañana (will have to change tomorrow)
así como cambio yo (just as I change)
en esta tierra lejana (in this faraway land)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia (...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia

Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change...)

I HATE SPIDERS SO MUCH

they make me turn into a little girl
the little girl of my childhood who was escared of espiders
the little girl who grew into an older girl who was not so scared of spiders

until [insert shudder]

she moved into this wacky apartment
where the spiders apparently have a lovefest every night
because they are everywhere
EVERYWHERE

and her phobia came back with a vengeance.

i wonder what would happen

if i just told the world EVERYthing I really thought and felt instead of keeping it a secret only me and my best friends know (or just me). What if we ALL did that? It could be pretty terrifying, and I'll wager that a lot of people would fight more but people might believe in Christ more and no I did not mean to pseudorhyme there, and some friendships would be finished but others would be stronger, and I would probably be more scared and pained but a lot more aware of people's daily sense of loss when they don't have Christ, and I would probably feel more passion and less fakeness. How's THAT for a run-on.

I've started writing in a real, non-blogspot journal (gasp), which, ironically, I've never really had the need to do before. I've had a poem-book, so to speak, but these days I have so many thoughts, personal ones, that I have to write down everything so I don't forget it. This is the first time I've started straight-up journaling for real out of need, rather than because I just like to write. (I.e., written equivalent of people who like to hear themselves talk.) My poems were always my personal catharsis, but now not even that's enough.

I miss writing poetry, though...I just wrote a poem, because I was typing an away message and accidentally ended up typing a poem instead. That happens a lot...probably b/c I'm a sap. Or maybe I just like to shove my complaints out in public without realllly saying anything. I'm going to go with the latter.

This was another fairly non-sensical post, brought to you by a heavy lack of sleep due to yesterday's late-night salsa dancing. To quote Alli Ack, ay mami.

Love thy neighbor? and other thoughts..

It's an interesting, delicate line.

Upon first reading this, my heart is saddened by the image the "preacher protestors" are portraying of Christianity. And truly, I am saddened by how gays are marginalized and isolated by society -- but especially by Christians -- as a people group to be ridiculed and looked down upon as "less than us." (For the record, this was my belief long before I started working with the AAS-C). If you believe like I do that the Scripture says homosexuality is wrong, I still don't think that means queers are any worse than the rest of us. I've have several conversations lately in which it was wondered why homosexuality has been elevated to the position of the ultimate socially unacceptable sin -- can you think of something else as controversial? That's a simplistic statement I know, but that's a whole other conversation, really.

But it's just hard for me to agree that they should be treated differently (and definitely not worse) than straight people. Which is why I really wrestle with the ban on same-sex marriages, although I suspect that comes more from my long-standing support of separation of church and state than anything else. (And that is certainly another conversation, as well.)

One interviewee from the article said, "The Bible says to love your neighbor as thyself. It doesn't tell you who to love and not to love." If he was talking in reference to the the anti-gay protesters who definitely were not showing love to Pride attendees, he got it about half right-- as far as I know, the Bible does tell you who to love: everyone, including your enemies, regardless of who you perceive that to be. I just think it's a little sad that "the gay" was the one who got that, but not the Christians.

* * *

Getting back to my original opening line, though, I have to think about how all that is different from me attending an abortion protest, which is something I would certainly do. Maybe it's hypocritical of me to be much more passionate about that and to be willing to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic to protest. I don't know. I do know that there is something of a more personal nature with homosexuality protests, as in, typically speaking, they protest people in general (i.e. the "God hates faggots" idiots). Whereas abortion protests are promoting life, period.

Scratch what I just said...I would not be interested in a Planned Parenthood protest, actually. I would go to a prayer rally, yes, particularly on legislative grounds. God responds to prayer; that's a hard and fast fact. Planned Parenthood is not likely to respond to protests with anything other than disdain, and that gets you nowhere.

Crying like a baby.

I'm pretty sure that until last night, the last time I cried because I was tired was when I was a baby. But I was super tired last night. And I cried -- couldn't even help it. I now have a bit more sympathy for the poor little babes who won't shut up simply because they need to sleep.

Of course, I have become a terribly emotionally-driven person in the last few years; I'm sure that also had something to do with it. And every day now, mainly because of my job, I am absolutely flooded with questions and issues and concerns I've never had to face, which tires my mind and my heart unmercifully, so...That undoubtedly had something to do with it as well.

I have GOT to finish my apartment-moving process so that I can finally have clear free time at home, so I can finally write. And process. Perhaps in a slightly more formal format; we shall have to see. If a certain magazine sees fit to offer my processing on their website again, then so much the better, since everyone's who's asking about my life can then get it all in one articulate swoop. Not that I don't want to talk to you all, my dear friends, but then you'll have context and we can cut to the chase. :)




Unrelatedly (no not a word), I should just accept my love for the blog, i think -- I always intend to write about 3 sentences, and that never happens, does it?..

TODO Cambia

So week two of my new job is upon me and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. This work belongs to such a different realm than what I have been used to my entire life, and I haven't quite figured out how to handle it all yet...

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it's in a good, "I'm being stretched" way, but the whole being somewhat apprehensive about going in to work thing, I dearly hope that passes pretty quickly. Because I have the next 10 months to be in it.

It occurs to me that pretty much NO one knows what I'm talking about right now, most likely, but suffice it to say:

I'm supposed to be fluent in Spanish
I'm supposed to overlook (?) things that contradict my beliefs
I'm supposed to not be phased by sex, homosexuality, transgenderism, terminal illness, etc.
I'm supposed to provide "pastoral counseling" without really talking about Christ unless invited
I'm supposed to be honest and open with my team on quite an intense personal level, regardless of the fact that I don't think anyone shares my faith, which essentially defines who I am

All situations that I'm not accustomed to. Not to mention the fact that this is not going to be a 9-5 job I can drop when I walk out the door, but is going to follow me pretty much everywhere. It already is.

I keep saying it, but it's all I know right now: it's gonna be an interesting year, chicos.

i am SICK

and ANGRY

B/C I HATE BEING SICK

AND ALL i did was sit in training yesterday, in a 60 degree room, which is freezing cold, by the way, and i got a freaking cold. i got a cold just by sitting in a cold room. i didn't think that could really happen. but LET IT BE KNOWN, that OHHHH IT CAN HAPPEN. WATCHOUT.

And i am MAINLY angry b/c if i don't get better by Friday, I will have to miss my first day of work, seeing how sickness and AIDS patients are not a good combo.

and i am so tired and i want to curse so badly but i'm not supposed to damnit.

She's back! sort of.

I haven't written in this thing in so long, i couldn't remember my password. At first. Of course i did eventually, since i'm addicted to blogging for some reason I have yet to ascertain.

So, if i believed in karma, this is how it would work in my life: For four years, Melinda makes fun of all the people who end up back in Buies Creek (or never leave) after graduation. 3 months after the four years, Melinda moves back to Buies Creek.

My excuse is not so pathetic -- I get to live a) not with my parents, and b) with one of the best people in my life ever, MiChelle my Belle.

And I start my new, real (well, almost real) job next week. That I get to drive an hour to get to. But that's ok, b/c today I sang praise songs all the way home and it went by so much faster...I'm honestly excited about that. Just because you're behind the steering wheel doesn't mean you can't bask in God's presence, verdad?

But speaking of my job that I will have, I got so excited today at my job that I am at right now because for the first time in months, maybe a year, I was able to help someone simply because I knew how to speak their language. And I will get to do that every freakin day for the next 10 months. I absolutely relish that feeling.

To end this semi-stream-of-consiousness post, which I would love to continue but am far too tired to do so, I thought of another article i want to write for Relevant...I miss writing. Like i miss my music. At least I don't have to miss my friends anymore, at least not most of them...

Ciao para ahora......................................................

oh, sighsighsigh

Hmmm…I now see what it is like to have a “real” life and to not actually have time (nor inclination, often) to blog! Yes.

Maybe I’m in good moods most of the time, and that’s why my bad moods are so dreadful and make me feel like my life has hit rock bottom. Because once in a while, in the midst of a bad mood, I actually remember that my life has not. Which is kind of an annoying thing to remember, when you are stewing or want to cry (or are crying).

This post was brought to you by Melinda’s personal Listen For the Echoes bank account.

Ps, Raleigh people…I am sorry I have been MIA for like two months. Hope we hang soon. We just can’t go anywhere fun unless it’s your house, fyi. :)

I think,...

that my skepticism towards all things Christian-labeled beyond myself and the people whose hearts I know is, realistically, something I seriously need to get over. I don't know what experiences could have scarred me for me to be so pessimistic, but something must have happened that I don't remember, because it's like I have to fight this urge to distrust everyone. I anticipate trite phrases and fake smiles and hypocrisy. I expect cliches and shallowness. I really hate that.

I visited a new church tonight, and the fact that I didn't leave feeling dumber or dirtier or (unjustifiably) holier and more enlightened compared to what I was around, has to be a good sign. We shall see where this goes.

I still want to shed my pessimism, though (and accept what "is" with the Body and move on). When compounded with my introverted nature, it most certainly is not conducive to the fellowship I am craving.

yo quiero escribir

So, my Dad googled my name the other day to see what came up, and he saw my article on Relevantmagazine.com, and also saw a bunch of other links to it…I was curious and found a number of blogs linked to it, as well as the “Emergency Ministries” (whatever that may be) website…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a slightly-better-than-average scribe...I really couldn't tell how good that piece was, so the response I received was definitely appreciated. That, plus all the comments, emails, and facebook messages I got in response to it, further enforces the compulsion I’ve felt for a long time: I WANT TO WRITE.

I want to write [more]. I swear one day I really am going to work up to that book I keep talking about.

I am Native American.

No, really, I am. Ignore the blonde hair, blue eyes and freckles--technically, as I am 1/16 Cherokee, I just barely meet the "blood quantum" required for enrollment with the Cherokee tribe.
 
And theoretically speaking, if my life were very different than it is and my brother and I had at one point ended up as candidates for adoption, we could have found ourselves being forced to live on a reservation with people we’d never met, regardless of the wishes of my immediate, non-Native-American family members. (see article)
 
Anyone who knows me also knows that the last thing I am is racist, so obviously I would have nothing against N.A. tribes wishing to preserve their customs, heritage, etc. But, as highly as I value each race's heritage and uniqueness, there is something that I value infinitely higher: humanity. Just simple, freakin' humanity. There is nothing humane about placing children in a home where they are exposed to physical harm just because of an outdated, nearly 30-year-old law that has been expanded well beyond its original context and intent.

I've known for several years that I will eventually want to adopt at least one child. For the past year or so, in spite of the trend to adopt children from 3rd world countries, I've really think I will adopt from the States. Sometimes I don't think people realize that just because a child is in the United States doesn't necessarily mean he or she is living any better than a child in Developing Country X. (again, just read the article)
 
Everyone's heard the stories about American parents who had to go to insane measures, time, expense, etc. to be able to bring their child home from China.
 
What doesn't make sense to me is how screwed-up the adoption system is just in America itself. Why do social services/adoption agencies have such bad reps when it comes to facilitating good adoptions? Why do we hear so many stories of healthy families put through hell just because of the occasional "know-it-all" SS rep who thinks he/she knows what's best for the children they barely even know? I know it probably boils down to selfish people who have their "rights," plus impersonal governmental standards and laws that are full of unrealistic, bureaucratic red tape.
 
It really gets under my skin, if you didn't notice.

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us,

“…so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures, we might have hope.” Romans 15:4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I thought I buried you deep
I buried you in my skin
And when the night’s at its darkest
You come back to me again

I thought I’d leave you behind
I turned and I ran away
But in the silence between my steps
Your footsteps follow me

You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go

I tried to gather the shards
That you’d left scattered all over me
They’d broken off underneath the surface

You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go

But ghosts I see right through
And I can see through you
So all you’ll ever do
Is be a shade I see tomorrow through

You haunt me
You come back to make me feel alone
But you’re only what breaks me
So that someday I’ll be whole
You come back to haunt me

~Justin McRoberts



* * *



Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:2-3

"…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light. Job 33:28

"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.” Jeremiah 33:6-7

[We pray that you will be] strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:11-12

You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear." O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:57-58

"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?...” Isaiah 51:12-13


[if you actually got this far,] feel free to add more…

proof that blogging is good for melinda...and a thought that changed the world

Within the past year or so, I’ve gotten very used to the concept of having stark internal contradictions, but I can’t say I’ve gotten used to each one in particular…

On one point, it is so strange, it is just so strange, that you can at once reject something as ridiculous, and have it be an inseparable part of you. That you can lament how it’s manifest in someone else’s life, and yet be unable to stop it within your own. That you can wholeheartedly declare you will have no part of it, all the while forgetting, somehow, that it has been with you for a long time, and is not looking to leave.

You’d think I would be used to that, since that’s really the way sin works, too. Hm.

That really makes me think, now, and I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it this way before…but maybe it’s possible for God’s grace to extend even further than the realm of sin, and into our own personality, memory and even instinct. What a wonderful measure of grace, of mercy, that would be.

Maybe it’s possible that I have too narrow a perception of “sin,” and the “grace” that wipes it out. Maybe Christ saved us in one fell swoop from eternal damnation because of sin, but maybe God also continually saves us from ourselves in this life, from everything that is not of Him, which is nearly everything we are, ever since shortly after the Beginning…

Wait a second…

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

oh

So I’m slow. That’s okay, Bono’s probably already long-figured everything I’ll ever come across, anyway…    

who wrote this? who taught them to end a press release like that????

"McCARTNEY OFFERS COBAIN/LOVE DAUGHTER INTERNSHIP2006-04-05 16:26:19 -

Print article

Refer to a friend

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY's designer daughter STELLA has offered the daughter of KURT COBAIN and COURTNEY LOVE an internship at her New York store.The kind-hearted 34-year-old knows what it's like to grow up with famous parents,

and so decided to give 13-year-old FRANCES BEAN the summer (06) job. An insider tells British newspaper The Daily Telegraph, 'Stella knows how difficult it can be to have famous parents, so she's keen to help out Kurt and Courtney Love's daughter in any way she can. Frances is 13 and dreams of a career in fashion, so this ought to be an interesting experience for her.' NIRVANA frontman Cobain killed himself in 1994."



oh that just cracks me up

oh, blogspot. old friend. i have so much i want to say to you, but i never visit you anymore because time for the moment is too precious to be spent on you. i'm sorry for being harsh, but it's true.

Note To Self, No.2: Confessions of a Privileged Young American

I hate not knowing where I'll end up after I graduate.
Concern for my physical safety is not even a factor to be taken into account. I am pretty much guaranteed a job of one kind or another. I had the opportunity to further my education. I had the financial resources to get this far.


I hate doing schoolwork when I'd rather be focusing on my job search.
I got to spend four years on the exclusive purpose of growing as a person and providing for a higher quality of life later on. I live in a country and come from an environment where substantial financial comfort is a very real possibility for me.

I am wondering if I will be able to find inexpensive-enough shoes for the spring formal.
I would be ashamed for a homeless woman to find out how many pairs of shoes I own. I have shoes for every season, and every occasion. I have shoes.

I am annoyed by the soft pudge that has formed around my middle, but can also still be heard remarking that "I am starving!".
I have fancy health facilities at my fingertips. I will never know what it is like to cry from hunger. I will never have to dig through someone's refuse to try to find nourishment.

I am impatient for a God-fearing companion to find me and love me as his own for the rest of our lives.
I have never found myself abused. I have never known the deep pain of betrayal. I have never felt the anguish of thinking I was utterly alone.

I wish my bank account would allow me to bulk up my new music files more often. I regret that I can afford to see either Eisely or Mutemath this month, but not both.
I have the luxury of even considering spending money on entertainment. I have a nice computer. I have an iPod.

I worry about being able to find a good apartment and roommates, and dread the possibility of having to move back home.
I have an extensive family network, supportive family who can be a safety net if I need it. I'll never literally worry about having a roof over my head.

I get frustrated with how much money I have to put into my car. I am currently annoyed that I don't have enough cash to fix my radio or cigarette lighter. I am envious of people with CD players in their dashes. I sometimes imagine how nice it would be to have a newer-than-a-'95 car.
I have a fully-automated Avalon with working AC and leather seats. Every person in my immediate family has a car for his or her exclusive use, and that's the middle-class norm in my country.

I hate the thought of maybe having to leave the church family I've come to love.
I've been able to take advantage of opportunities for incredible growth, publicly corporate worship, personally and spiritually edifying relationships, and prayer support whenever I should ask for it. I know I can rest in the assurance that the Lord will provide a form of community wherever I go. I have been given the Holy Spirit to guide me, incercede for me, and otherwise counter my sinful nature. I know the joy of Christ and the peace of the Father.

I get frustrated with my headache-inducing TMJ disorder.
I belong to a family that can afford quality medical care. I live in a society where it is readily available. I do not have a health problem that in any way hinders my day-to-day activities. I do not have a health problem that is not easily treated.

I hate not having the time to relax whenever I should need it. I really hope I'll be able to get to my "Fun Things To Do In Spare Time" list after I've gotten settled in an apartment and job.
I can be confident of eventually having both a job and an apartment. It's unlikely I will ever have to work my fingers to the bone just to survive. I will have a 401(K). The word "retirement" is a viable part of my vocabulary; it will not be a dream born out of wishful thinking. I am not of a financial background or on a job path that will necesitate my forfeiting free time or friendships. If I were actually responsible and efficient with my time, I could easily afford to spend some of it in front of a t.v., or behind a book, or out in the fresh air.

I hate how my parents' marital problems have affected me.
I have two still-married parents who love me unconditionally and have always been intentional in showing me this. I have two Christ-following parents who raised me to fear God, were smart enough to teach me how to stay out of trouble, and cared enough to plant seeds for growth I would not reap until years later.

I am often burdened by my personal brand of suffering, whatever it happens to be at the moment, and secretly feel entitled to some sympathy.
I do not live in daily fear for my life. I have never felt the physical humiliation and psychological and emotional devastation of a rape. I have not experienced the loss of a family member or dear friend. I do not wake up wondering if I will eat today; I do not fall asleep hating myself for the drug addiciton that is wrecking my life. I never had to face abuse or endure neglect from my parents. I do not fear that my house will be the next one hit. I do not know the grief of losing a child. I have never been in danger because of being a Christian. I have never wondered what it feels like to be loved. I do not have to face the daily torments of a terminal illness. I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I flirted with thoughts of taking it. I am not locked into an unrelenting, desperate economic situation with no hope of escape. I do not ache from cheating my soul by selling my body; I do not ache from cheating my future mate by having given it away. I am not holed up in a dank cell because I opposed my tyranic government. I have never had to watch helplessly as my community died off. I have never been ostracized or ridiculed for any of my sins.

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous in these realizations, and neither am I trying to depress anyone. I'm just trying to be realistic. I need to be reminded; I want it to be difficult to forget that not only am I privileged, but I am extremely blessed--and undoubtedly more so than I realize. Shame on me for ever feeling justified in complaining about my life, when there are so many people who have less, suffer more, and still live with praise for the Lord ever on their lips!

God forbid I get distracted by my shiny, middle-class Americana and forget.

My newest discovery

(discovered during my weekend of moronic slackdom): Zoe Keating

She's actually from Rasputina to whom Billy introduced me last month, but Keating's solo work hits me closer in preference....it's so ridiculously layered and rich that just about all I can do is sit dumbly with my mouth hanging open. She's incredibly inspiring--even if you're not a cellist, I can't see how you wouldn't be amazed.

Fever, of the cabin variety

I don't think I have ever loved the outdoors so much as I have since going to CR. I can't believe I actually disliked going on nature excursions with my family when I was little...oh to be able to do that again!

There is a hawk sitting on a tree outside my window. I really hope that A) I get a job here, and B) I get to keep this awesome office. Having a lake right next to me is probably what helps me be able to stand sitting at a desk for most of the day.

I still freaking want to go to Ravenrock. Andrew Tatum found the most beautiful little abandoned beagle puppy there yesterday; his name is Tucker and he's adorable. :) I miss my Danny.

Too bad I didn't like science enough to want to pursue my early veterinary dreams. I just love those darn animals, garsh. I just love creation. I think I'm turning into a treehugger. hmm.

2 months from today: Graduation, the official end of life as i know it

This school year I've had a running mental list of all the things I want to do once I've graduated and gotten settled in a job/apartment. Goes something like...


make my Costa Rica scrapbook (even if a year late)

learn how to salsa north-american style, and find somewhere to do it

make enough money to start buying music again (2-3 CDs a year is killing me..)

find a classical chamber group I can kick some notes around with

write articles to submit to ________ (okay, probably relevant..)

find a small community theater group who will let me work with them (so that i can finally find out if i suck or not, so that if i do, at least i will know it and can put an end to the sad, wistful feeling i get in my stomach every time i leave after the end of a play)

learn about astronomy and learn as much of the map of the night sky as i can

read for fun without guilt (definitely looking foward to this)

consistently exercise at least 3 days a week

relearn all the music theory I've forgotten, and learn as much new theory as i can stand

volunteer saturdays as a translator with Habitat for Humanity

get a dog

considering I'm supposed to be a student of media, actually make the time to be a consumer of it (i.e. of news articles and broadcasts) so I don't feel like such an ignorant moron

go see the musicals at Memorial

go to museums more than once every two years

play outside more


I know it's fairly unrealistic to want to do all these things...but sometimes dreaming about it keeps me from pulling my hair out these days, so hey. :)

*yay*

My second favorite show ever

I'm in l o v e.



His name is Darren King. And I want to have his children I mean his insane skills.

Tengo Una Duda

Not to be at all associated with the previous post, but I have another question:
Adults always say that no matter how hard you try, you'll still become your parents; specifically, the parent of your own gender.

Does that HAVE to be true? I really just don't believe it. There will always be influences, and strong ones, to be sure (but if/once they're recognized, can't they be curbed, if they're bad?)...but I just cannot believe that our uncontrollable destiny is to turn into our parents.

Moving Forward 101 (?..)

Every man and every woman is fallible in some way, and this will be expressed every single day of our lives...so no wonder God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, would set the model for forgiveness!--so that we can move on with our lives, without hating ourselves or hating other people. We are imperfect beings. Even the redeemed are still very much human.

I don't think forgiveness should ever be withheld by the follower of Christ, as he can rightfully call upon the Lord's strength and love to aid him. I also don't think it's wrong for the contrite heart to anticipate and even expect forgiveness, at least from other believers.

I don't suppose either of those situations have been severely tested in my life, so one might say I "just don't understand." Maybe not...but I still can't deny that God's is an understanding so much greater than my own, and yet Christ still commanded this of us. That's got to mean something.

All of that is "obvious" of course--but in that sneaky little way of being "obvious" to know, yet not so obvious to do.

It really doesn't always seem that simple, does it--not when you get into the dark and painful corners of someone's life. I've got a question for the more biblically well-versed: if someone sincerely pleas for forgiveness, we probably dare not refuse. But what if someone not only doesn't ask, but doesn't admit to the crime to begin with? Or isn't sincere? The king pardoned his indebted servant, until he found out that the servant's repentance was pretty shallow--and then the king revoked the pardon.

We're to forgive our brother "seventy-seven" times...but do we consider the circumstances? (That's not a leading question; that's a "Melinda really doesn't know" question.) I mean, people have met the murderer of a loved one...and forgave. People have been betrayed and cheated by dear friends, and even without an apology, forgave. People have been deeply hurt, and yet God must have given them what it took to forgive, because it's happened.

Maybe we're simply always "supposed" to forgive because it's "the right thing to do." But even if that's not it...isn't it self-destructive not to do it? It's so strange that one can continue to be held in bondage by something that would seem to be within the scope of one's own (Spirit-influenced) choice.

I know whole books have been written on this...but answers on here would still really be great..

there's just so much...

I've feel like I've got so many things going on in my head that I can hardly begin to process them all...because the thought of my impending life changes is rushing at me so fast I can hardly catch my breath..

The internal sense I've got right now is as if I'm in a car that's supposed to be breaking for a stopsign, but the breaking hasn't started yet--and so in relation to the sign, I feel like I'm moving at lightening speed, absolutely hurtling towards it (even though I haven't actually speed up). And...that's a poor analogy that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but myself, but oh well. Sometimes my logic is my own, I suppose..

I'm tired of hearing all these post-graduate horror stories. I mean, of course I know I'm going to "make it" (i.e. not have a nervous breakdown and need to be committed as a result of financial and relational destitution) but I really would rather do more than "make it." It would be pretty wonderful if I didn't hate my life for the next year or two.

I'm just saying, I've always heard that college is four of the best years of your life. Came true. I've also heard that the year after college is one of the worst. Just can't believe that yet.

Besides, God seems to be sending me some...well, odd messages these days. And I'm not quite sure what to make of them...

Nuevos retos cada dia

Try having to read a letter with no punctuation, no capitalization, and tons of misspellings...all in a foreign language.

in a way, kinda like...hebrew, spanish-style.

ay de mi :)

Even YOU can be Jack Bauer...

...with the right ringtone.

The office just got a new Cisco phone system with about a bajillion different rings, one of which is the official CTU's "beep-beep...BEEEEPbeeeep," for all you 24-lovers out there. (I will not be using that one, as I have been boycotting 24 ever since they killed Jack's wife in the last five minutes of season one.)

My favorites so far are:
-"Beam me up, Scottie!"
-Smeagol's "Not list'ning, not list'ning!"
-Tim the Toolman Taylor's infamous grunt
-the Bonanza theme
-Chewbaca noises (don't know what else to call them...)
-*beep beep* "Kirk to Enterprise."
-Scooby giggling


So, which one should I go for? :P

why I want to go home, Part II

...Because then all measures of separation would pass away between me and the God who never fails to meet me where I am in my time of need, the Lord who would show me something like:


Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? (Job 14:4) Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. (Ps. 51:5)

Dead in trespasses and sins,...by nature the children of wrath, just as the others. (Eph. 2:1, 3) I am carnal, sold under sin. What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. For I know that in me (this is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells. (Rom. 7:14-15, 18)

Through one man sin entered the world, ...by one man's disobedience many were made sinners. (Rom. 5:12, 19) If by one man's offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many. (Rom. 5:15)

The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. (Rom. 8:2)

Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Cor. 15:57)


That was what I read in my devotions right after writing the previous post. By the time I read this, my thoughts had progressed somewhat beyond the specific lamentations of that post, and into the general mourning (yes, mourning) of my shortcomings that can (and do) get me down so often. So you can see the timeliness of those passages.



Love never fails, God is love...hello. Why I still always find myself surprised by the way He moves, I have no idea, but...the active and seen presence of the Lord in one's life is an amazing thing to experience.

I will falter again, and again; I know this because I know myself. I will fight against self-loathing, and I will struggle in accepting the grace which renders that fight entirely irrelevant and unnecessary. I will doubt my righteousness, I will distrust my intentions, and I will be suspicious of my motives. My heart will cry out against its unworthiness and my soul will grieve its human ties. But thanks be to God, who gives me the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ--not only eternally, but daily. Hourly.

why i really want to go home

What does that mean, "satisfied in Christ?" How do you put down your fallen nature enough so that you don't look for anything anywhere else other than in Him?

We're told so much that we should just always "look to God...He's the only thing that can really satisfy us, truly make us happy"....and on, and on. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Heard it many times.

And it's not that I don't believe that this is true. I just wonder how possible it is to actually achieve. Of course, I honestly don't think that would be "achievable," exactly, but every day I feel in my soul how I could be so much nearer..

I want so desperately to find myself "fulfilled in Christ," to find ultimate joy solely in Him--"In Christ Alone"...to be entirely and purely sated by Him only (as it's impossible to truly experience this from anything less). But the heartbreaking problem is that my damned humanity will never get out of the way.

I get so tired of having to fight against myself.



And that is why.

"You thrill me, Lord, with all that you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done." (Psalm 92:4. Read this verse in my NLT Bible a few weeks ago, and I love the way it's expressed...perfectly captures my sentiments during these Campbell years).



Michelle, we really need to write that book...you know, the one where we share all the crazy stories of the in-your-face ways God has worked in our lives?

He doesn't let me forget that He's in the little things, too. This morning I was dragging with my work at TWR because the tedium of this particular assignment was starting to get to me. It's a project I'm doing for the Spanish department, consisting of listening to children's radio programs (like Adventures In Odyssey, except in Spanish)/reading the accompanying book, and writing questions for parents to ask their children to help them "discover God's truths in the programs."

It's fun...for a while. Then the constant "stop to look up a word"-ness starts getting old, and it gets boring, and then I remember I still have most of the series left to do...great.

This morning I was just thinking about how nice it would be to hear back from the listeners, as some sort of encouragement--to really remind me of the impact to which my work is contributing.

Spanish department meeting, a few hours later: my supervisor pulls out a stack of letters from kids who listen to the program and wrote to say how much they appreciate it. Hands them to me to read. I almost started to laugh, and then my eyes almost started to well up, because I'm a girl like that, but also because I'm continuously awestruck by God...


The big things, the little things...it's just crazy (to put it terribly inadequately).



Father, may I always continue to thrill at Your greatness.

[long time coming]

Inside
deep inside, I want to be that girl I see,
that girl I read whose faith burns out brightly through her eyes
Her joy spills rich, unabashed, from her lips,
her pen, her hand, her hug
Her words, a balm, encourage always
Prayers of hope, of strength, are what her presence brings
Her very air, full-soaked in grace
"Written on her face," a phrase coined for such as these
She laughs, in love, smile gleaming with what I want
She seems to see the role of cynic a worthless cause

Dear girl, whom I've seen with snobbish disbelief,
I may have wondered at your fervor
but still have only dismissed you as naive
Then I recall, the fools are used to teach the wise...

Yes, but you are no fool, now, are you

I'm still the one who wants her air to shine
I still want this faith to burn bright in these eyes

(beware: negativity below)

I've discovered I've hit a wall. I managed to come this far in the semester being all gung-ho about school/work/etc., but...yep, that's now faded.

I never have enough time to do everything I need, much less want. And considering I'm about to be homeless (that's what I tell myself for motivation) in a few months if I don't get my act together...not good.

I stupidly rebel against the things I must get done by goofing off, contributing to the aforementioned lack of time.

Plus my workout yesterday was overkill, and I'm all sore (and not in a good, "ah, what a great work out" way). And grumpy...because I've lost my getting-enough-sleep streak. Which is also probably a reason I have this annoying cold.

Wasting time puts me in a bad mood...ironically so, considering my life in general would seem to indicate that it's my absolute favorite thing to do.

(This was not wasted time, lest you scold me, as a little venting does something for dissipating self-disgust.)

I just need to f-o-c-u-s....I know I can do this...



My apologies for this very much less-than-cheery post.

I wouldn't be Deanna Troy for the world

So what if she's pretty, has a cool accent, gets to parade around a spaceship and simply talks to a wall whenever she wants something to eat? She has a crazy mother.

Plus, empathy hurts.

It's a strange phenomenon, that bane of a gift (disclaimer: for the few of you who even know to whom the title refers, i'm not so geeky as to be contemplating her literal "gift" here...just the real-world counterpart). Anyone with strong empathetic tendancies knows of the dichotomous nature of the thing--that strange absorption of thought and feeling that can further help a person to serve well, to pray well, and yet can bring about a wash of heartache as real as if it were originally one's own.

From the Latin, sympathy means "to feel with," but empathy literally means "to feel into." I think that's an accurate distinction...it's one thing to feel sorry for someone for a moment and then go about your way; it's a very different (and much more invested) experience to have an intensely internal perception and appreciation of another's burden, however that happens to come about.

I remember my pastor once saying that empathy generally comes either from a sharing of similar experiences, or from an already-existing closeness between people; and sometimes it's both. I would think everybody experiences it to some degree, but I wonder if God builds a stonger sense of empathy into some people than into others? (that's the thought I come from, if it wasn't obvious...) Is it a personality thing? A spiritual gift? All of the above?

I couldn't wish it away, 'cause as for myself, at least, it's just a part of who I am.

Not that it means I'm so used to it that I always know how to handle it. Have you wept because of what someone was going through? Have you found yourself frustrated because you would comfort, you would offer insight, but the words fail? Have you literally cried prayers because you didn't know what else you could do?

What we're supposed to do with all that, I don't yet know. I'm still waiting for God to show me that one. Along with, oh, most everything else in my life...but who's counting.. :)

I need to go out!!!

As in, outside, as in, into Creation. I'm sitting here at work looking at the ducks play in the lake outside my window, and it just reminds me of all those little road trips to national parks we used to take when I was a kid...I never do anything outside anymore. I'm not even a huge tree-hugging, nature-loving environmentalist, but there is something to be said for spending time away in God's Green Earth, or what's left of it, anyway.

It is my last semester in Buies Creek, and I have never ever been to Raven Rock.

This must be remedied..

the ONLY reason

...i'm doing this is because Shannon essentially asked me to. I resisted until I saw that last line.

Three Names You Go By
1. Melinda
2. Me-linda
3. Vaca

Three Things That Scare You
1. loss of a loved one
2. not being able to support myself after graduation
3. that's about it

Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Strawberry Chapstick brand chapstick
2. my planner
3. umm...keys?

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. my express sports jacket i got for about $20
2. my rings I never take off
3. the grey snowflake slippers my mom gave me

Three of Your Favorite Drinks:
1. milk
2. water
3. SoBe Green Tea

Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
1. um
2. i don't have favorites right now
3. why do i suddently feel like less of person?

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. strength
2. to be challenged
3. trust

Two Truths and a Lie
1. I never finished 6th grade
2. I make friends easily
3. I can't wait til I have my own family

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. reading
2. watching random sci fi
3. music-ing

Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. watch firefly
2. find a job
3. fall in love

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Italia!!
2. España
3. Costa Rica

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Go back to Costa Rica
2. travel Europe
3. finish a song

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I take forever to get ready (even more than the "normal" forever)
2. I buy jewelry and then never wear it
3. I am overly sentimental

Three people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Rick (because he is the King of Random)
2. David (because that is something he will never do)
3. Rachael (because she is about the funniest girl I know...and probably the Queen of Random)

my former life

So, I really miss playing m' 'cello. I need to make time to do this.

Short-term speaking, i miss playing, period. Long-term, I miss my classical days...when my fingers were actually strong and my sightreading was more than decent and I didn't get tired after 5 minutes.

Strange how I seem to have traded one skill set for another...I can't physically do nearly as much as I used to be able to do, but I can play by ear a WHOLE lot better than I used to be able to do. Which was pretty much not at all.

I don't regret moving away from classical, though. A skill lost can be regained, but a skill never gained to start with is never going to do you any good, period.

Practice: just another thing to add to my post-grad to-do list.

This nostalgia was brought to you by the never-ending process of uploading music to the iPod, i.e. an excerpt from the 2001 North Carolina Eastern Regional All State Honors Symphony Orchestra. If that doesn't sound pretentious enough, this piece is called "Symphonie Fantastique, 4th Movement: March of the Scaffold," by Hector Berlioz.

Probably one of my 3 favorite classical music experiences ever.

The cellos rock this piece up. :)

i LOVE

the rain! Not so much when I have to go somewhere and would rather stay looking presentable rather than like a wet rag doll, but when my time is mine, there's nothing like a good thunderstorm.

Another thing I love, and of which last night reminded me: DANCE. Not anything of the "dancing" that went on at "Overtime" last night--I mean, real dancing, the kind that has steps you have to be taught. And I'm not talking ballet here, as fun and as good for you as that is--because no matter how hard I worked at that, there was no way I could actually be legitimately good at it. No, I'm talking SALSA. And merengue, cumbia, tango--I'd love to learn to tango--but salsa is just about the most phsyically fun thing I have ever done, aside from skiing.

An Alaskan friend of mine (we took lessons together in Costa Rica) recently asked me if I'd found a place to dance around here, and OH that I could....Not that I've really tried, but that's because I'm a timid dork. I can't bring myself to just show up at some strange salsa salon alone, and alas, I know zero guys who could lead that I could drag with me. (So if anyone knows a guy who likes a good salsa and I don't mean the food, hook a girl up, yo.)

I watched a documentary about ballroom dancing with my mom over break and I swear I was seat-dancing and shrieking with envy the whole time....i MISS THIS STUFF. One of the best nights I've ever had: going with a group of Ticos to El Tobogán, one of the biggest dance salons in Costa Rica.........ohhhh, to do that again....

Now that you all probably think I'm a nutso giddy dance snob, I just have to say: you don't understand--if you at all like to shake ya bum, you have GOT to try this!!!!!! (And bring me with you!)

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS JOB

To bad it's not a real, paying job that I can keep once I've graduated. Unless I can convince them otherwise... ;)

So far I've been doing a lot of translating documents for the PR dept. But apparently...TWR is in dire need of a better way to get information from the latin offices regarding program results, evaluations, needs, etc. (because the Spanish dpt. staff doesn't have the time to adequately gather this info)...and so, that's what I'll be doing in the future, at some point. Yes, I'm pretty much terrified of the conference calls I'll be having with native Spanish speakers, but hopefully they'll let me work up to that point. :)

I joined the Spanish department meeting today, which they decided to start holding all in Spanish. I haven't been around conversation like that in 6 months, so I felt like a dummy but it was good for me :)

The people I've met so far are wonderful. I went to lunch with the magazine/web editor (who happens to be a former Campbell PR intern) and her husband the IT guy...muy divertido. And my boss is great--funny, and somebody someone my age can actually relate to easily--he was asking me about OLF and if I've ever been to the bluegrass barn, haha. And it's such a small world...I swear everyone I've met is somehow connected to Campbell, Grace, or Fuquay-Varina.


God is good. This is unreal.

*internal freak-out*

...the GOOD kind!!

It's lunchtime of Day One at my internship at TransWorldRadio in Cary, and I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. To start, I am currently sitting in my own office with a window-wall that overlooks a lake (don't get jealous; I'm sure that once I graduate I'll join the cube-dwelling ranks soon enough).

But on to the actually important stuff--it's very apparent that the people here are quite as serious and as intent upon taking advantage of this arrangement as I am. When I got here this morning, the heads of the PR and Spanish departments, as well as the woman in charge for a particular women's ministry, were in a meeting discussing how they thought my skills can meet their needs--and not photocopying, mail-running, data-entering needs (you know, from the typical worthless internship stories). Nope, this is more like translating projects, writing news releases in both languages, developing original book material in Spanish, and even the potential of starting and developing a bilingual TWR newsletter for the Americas.

As I've been sitting here translating a proposal to create a women's ministry website from one of the South American offices, I've been trying to supress continual fits of laughter...It is ridiculously gratifying to actually be using my Spanish for something real...

True to my instinct, in the back of my mind I keep telling myself not to get too excited, that the novelty will wear off and soon I'll be wondering what I'm doing here...but honestly, I don't think that's going to happen, at least with the wondering part. And regardless, if today is any indication, I think this is going to be an incredibly beneficial experience, and I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can...

Redeeming Love

I just read a book by this title that was, simply put, disarmingly moving. I started it last night and couldn't put it down until I finished it at 5:30 this morning, something my eyelids have never allowed me to do before. It's essentially a very long parable, based on the story of Hosea, that delves into the depths of the Father's love..."How Deep the Father's Love For Us" is this book, at least for me.

It's one of those books that is not about to leave your brain just because you got to last page...it's giving me a lot to feel and think on. I would say it's also given me a lot to be reminded of, except that in spite of what I've grown up hearing and even experiencing, I'm not sure I've ever seen it/felt it quite in this vein before.

Here's to getting closer to understanding and embracing what the Father offers..

And so the bells begin.

Wedding bells, of course. Friday night I just went to my first "real" wedding ('real' meaning it wasn't for a distant relative, a friend that I'm only slightly aquainted with, or simply a wedding I was hired to play at).

Friday night marked the first in what I have been assured (by my father?...) will be a torrent of weddings I will be attending in the next five years. Yeah, I know supposedly I'm at that "age" when many peers will be tying the knot; several of my friends go to at least half a dozen weddings every summer, it seems. But honestly, at least in the next couple years, I don't know of very many I'll be attending, though of course even a year can bring change to that.

Interruption from iPod: I came here with a load, and it seems so much lighter now I met you...and honey you should know, I could never go on without you.

Yes, my hopes exactly--perfect timing. :P

My views on the appropriate age of marriage have certainly changed in the last few years. I used to think that anyone who got married right out of college was being entirely ridiculous and immature, and then I eventually made my way to thinking that it's not such a bad idea after all. Although that later opinion probably came from getting older and closer to the end of college and recognizing the desireability of having someone by your side to cushion the blows of a transition to "the real world." And anyway, they do say that the more successful marriages are the ones that were entered into closer to 30 years of age than 20, though there are many personal factors to be considered besides age, obviously. Though little of this matters much to me at this point, given that if I met someone tomorrow it'd still be a number of years before I got there anyway.

So what do YOU think? Given the fact that most people who read this go to Campbell i.e. home-of-many-young-marriages, I know there must be some interesting opinions out there. ;)

a bit of comedy for your pleasure

or perhaps more nonsense than anything; I suppose I might be easily amused :)

For one, the News and Observer, for all its roots in Southern propriety, is not so proper as to be above hosting a column lauding a certain article of masculine apparel. Yes, this past week "Check It Out," quite often my favorite part of the paper for its endearing tongue-in-cheekiness, was dedicated to the passing of a beloved and loyal jockstrap (in two segments, mind you).

Moving along, I recently decided that it is absolutely necessary that I take care of the formidable stack of dirty laundry piling up in my room, as my heart quite jumped into my throat one night when I turned out the light to go to bed and for a second thought there was a person crouching in my room, upon seeing the silhouette which darkened my window.

Lastly, I wouldn't be surprised if Cary, North Carolina, is one of the few places in the country where one can go to a movie and choose bewteen nearly a dozen types of beer, four types of gourmet cookies, and red or white wine. Oh and gourmet coffee, of course.

Speaking of the movie, I absolutely loved Pride and Prejudice, even though it departed from the book quite a bit more than I had anticipated (which, to be sure, was not even close to how far off the vast majority of book-inspired movies are). At any rate, lovely movie; bordered on the brink of a level of unlikely romanticism beyond even my taste, but never quite got there, fortunately. I think I would be hard-pressed to find any boy or man who could tolerate it without making fun, and equally pressed to find any girl or woman who wouldn't enjoy it thoroughly.

Annnd my dad has just informed me that I have somehow managed to lock myself out of my bedroom, and that he's having quite a time trying to jimmy it open. Oops.

Driven to Distraction...hopefully

downside of iPod: assists in reminding one of all the shows one wants to see but probably can't/won't

ohh COLDPLAY come BACK!




* * *


i miss everyone



especially right now my dear future-fellow-crazy-cat-lady Sarah who in four short days is leaving all of us behind in NC :(
i mean, grad school? who does that? ;)

So, :

Take these shoes / Click clacking down some dead end street / Take these shoes / And make them fit / Take this shirt / Polyester white trash made in nowhere / Take this shirt / And make it clean, clean / Take this soul / Stranded in some skin and bones / Take this soul / And make it sing / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, Yahweh / Still I'm waiting for the dawn / Take these hands / Teach them what to carry / Take these hands / Don't make a fist / Take this mouth / So quick to criticise / Take this mouth / Give it a kiss / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, Yahweh /Still I'm waiting for the dawn / Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up / The sun is coming up on the ocean / This love is like a drop in the ocean / This love is like a drop in the ocean / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, tell me now / Why the dark before the dawn? / Take this city / A city should be shining on a hill / Take this city / If it be your will / What no man can own, no man can take / Take this heart / Take this heart / Take this heart / And make it break


For whatever reason this song is just striking a chord with me right now [as i listen to it on my IPOD, aka the gift from Justin the Incredible Brother...not that he wasn't already. :) ] ....haven't heard it in awhile, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Which of course is none too hard to do, apparently, looking at the last 12 months and how they have both brought back a resurrection of my juvenile sappiness (which i thought had abandoned me a few years ago) and also engendered what i guess might be called growing pains...

It's been a weird Christmas break...new house, new traditions, less family in town, last Christmas break, last Christmas at "home" period, thoughts on graduation, closer to graduation, "real life" approaching (or encroaching, depending on how generous and adult I'm feeling), oh crap. And oh joy.

Etc. etc. etc. = tip of iceberg, naturally, but anyway...in spite of my normal Christmastime fanaticism of every single year I can remember since my birth, the Christmas spirit seemed not inclined to visit me until the actual day was already half over. Very, very strange. I guess I attribute some of this to the above reasons.

In keeping with my normal blogging habits, i'm not going to get around to half of what i even intended to write about because A) It would probably not be nearly as interesting as i think B) i'm tired.


To continue my iPod commentary (hmmm...this could be fun...everyone should try to identify the songs I refer to on here occassionally, and then readers you may or may not know will be oh-so-impressed with your musical savvy and probably want to meet you, they'll be so impressed...It might even be as fun as CatchPhrase, the ultimate party game.): anyway, so girls may indeed speak in code, but boys speak in rhythm?? What? I'm, like, sooo not even gonna go there. And if you have to ask, then I'm so not telling you; you should just know.

Sheesh.

10 days

...must certainly be a personal record of non-postedness, excepting, perhaps, Costa Rica.

I am glad that i have not missed the lack of high-speed internet, though. This lack of regret is partially due, of course, to the opportunity I have seized to indulge in frivoulous, non-edifying reading (i.e., not related to school, theology, or philosophy). God bless you, Gutenberg...

And it's back to work at the store tomorrow, cutting into my laziness but bringing a welcome financial relief.

I'm so glad i'm not going anywhere for Christmas this year. I'd like to enjoy my last one at home, in more than one sense...

I'm only indirectly a fan of change, I think, in that I'll admit to its great merits but still fight against the discomfort it brings.

These four weeks will be the longest period of time I will ever live inside this new house. How odd.

To thine own self be true.

...And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou cans't not be false to any man.

Hamlet



Just a little thought of the day. There are many more, of course, but final exam week inherently precludes pithy posts ;)

In the midst of this day/week that is essentially the most impossible of my semester, given everything I'm supposed to accomplish, I just had a $250 civil penalty cleared. At least internally, I'm ecstatic. I needed that so much...

I am continuously grateful that God sees fit that little pieces of hope and encouragement pop up just when you need it most--a random kind word from a friend, a good test grade, an extension on a deadline, $250 that you don't go further into debt...

Phew. Praise God.

once again i have demonstrated that how i think i did on a test is usually the opposite of how i actually did



(i hate complaining on here, but if you can't do it here, where can you?)

I think i've been more academically frustrated this semester than any other....i used to get picked on for being the "smart kid"....those days are long past...and i know i could try a lot harder, but these days, when i DO try hard, i still get mediocre results :/

it's funny, but now that the end of schoolwork is actually on the horizon, i loathe having to do it a HECK of a lot more than before...here's another item to go on my list for why i'm finally ready to get out of here.

It'd probably help, too, if i actually thought my classes were worth anything to me this semester. But alas, they are not turning out to be so. Quite a disappointment. Here's hoping for a good final semester...

Sleepless

I'm supposed to be resting, but once again my brain has demonstrated that it can't allow this until it has been unpacked; ergo, here I am.

The last few days I've come to the conclusion that essentially, mine has been quite a backwards conversion experience.

When I "accepted Christ," I was young, about 10 years old. There was no struggle, no guilt, no wrestling to understand; the decision was expected, in a sense, given my familial background, but it was also sincerely meant. It was simple, and entirely unemotional. To be sure, the full significance of what I had done could not have been truly felt, given my youth, but as much as any 10-year-old could have been, I was aware of what I was doing.

I remember thinking, for most of my childhood and adolescence, that I no testimony. I had always heard the extreme dark-to-light type testimonies, and thought that since mine was so much simpler and non-life-changing (*at that point), I really didn't have that much to work out or talk about. After all, I came from a Christian background, was a good kid, and my "official" (i.e., verbal) placement of trust in Christ really hadn't changed much of the way I lived, because there really was no "darkness" for me to come out of, so to speak.

Fortunately for me, that did not remain to be true. I think God has propelled my life in such a way that over the course of time, I eventually came into my own kind of darkness that I needed to allow myself to be saved from. High school brought some heady issues to the forefront of my life which were to be the backdrop for a lot of my searching later on, although I was still yet to really face anything truly difficult (or so hindsight revealed). With my entrance into college came a lot of questioning, which I welcomed as necessary; I've been very glad to actually be formulating my own opinions and beliefs rather than accepting, without challenge, everything I've been taught. Not to say I've rejected what I've been taught (although that has happened on occasion), but I've been coming into an understanding of why I believe what I believe. I imagine most thinking young adults go through this.

Coupled with this questioning mindset, my extremely introspective nature has drawn me into many realizations about myself over the past few years...realizations that have produced a lot of self-doubt, a lot of guilt, and a drop in my confidence in who I am. Warrented or not, those are still things I struggle with now; in fact, a lot of it has really surfaced this semester and come to a defining point, as I find myself fighting more than ever to see myself as God sees me.

I've never been in a place where I've doubted my salvation; the cognitive reality of God's gift of grace is something I've never had cause to question. But it's as if over a decade later, that decision I made to accept grace is just now coming to fruition, as I work out the idea of it all with fear and trembling, and as I struggle to take hold of it for myself and believe in its total redemption...It's strange, too, to know the ultimate ending of the story, and yet still be living in the midst of the irresolution of it.

It has been an intriguing, painful, humbling, and beautiful process. It continues to be so still...

a thrill of hope

I am sick but surrounded by Christmas spirit and it's loverly :)



Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth

...Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born!

outlet parte dos :)

Restless is a welcome state,
if wisdom reigns
and movement's truly prized above complacency
It can wake you from a worthless slumber of complacency

Restless is a friend, a foe
I know it grows me,
though contradiction hides itself inside:
Would I skirt it if I found I could?
No doubt I'd try, in spite of what I've learned

Restless is a dull old tune
Annoying, nagging,
waiting, always waiting,
for that something new which only sometimes comes

Restless is a question mark
Sparking rich anticipation into our bones
as we grope about for light in inky dark
Who knows what light some new day dawning surely brings?

Restless is a common place
Unbiased, bonding every soul with common fate of wandering
(Go ahead, just have a thought, a single care,
and it is sure to find you there among your thorns and petals--
Dare not hope for an escape)

Restless is an angry word,
fighting for its suicide
Yet knowing life denies this,
every
single
time

*sigh*

I wish my life weren't so busy...



I really miss having more time to fellowship with friends...the time is approaching when we will go our separate ways, and I want to be able to do a better job of making the most of the remaining time.

ok i can't help but be a sap about it--sue me.

i like artistic outlets...

Your face seeking truth
so close to mine
I'd rather not lie to you
But the truth is, I don't know what I'm doing
Such undefined sense of duty,
lines shrouded in ambiguity--
It's doubtful time will remedy entirely
those potential discrepancies
between what is right and what I do
I doubt you mind, I doubt you know,
I doubt you realize I don't know
what I should be doing
But bonds are strengthening all the while,
in spite of weak grasp of duty
So I'm clambering to somehow continue
whatever it is I do that's right
So that I might have a hope of being true to you

rambling: my specialty

i just got an image in my head of what my life is like right now: me, tripping along a sea of shifting mini tectonic plates...i wish you could see what i see right now because it would probably make you laugh. But there's nary a stable step; i always have to watch where i'm going, because if i don't, i won't be standing for long. and it gets the best of me sometimes; a lot of times it doesn't; and sometimes i don't much care that things are moving out from under my feet at all and i just let myself fall down, letting the shifting ground carry me where it will.

My life works like this. I think it always will, but it is just much more pronounced at this period of my life [well, i'm sure that it's more pronounced for just about every senior on the brink of graduating from life as he or she knows it... i always forget my experience is not so very exclusive to me :)]. I learn new things every day, I change my mind all the time, unexpected things bodyslam me and knock the wind out, unexpected things plop themselves into my lap and laugh at how amazed i am by their beauty. Everything shifts, everything always changes. Thank goodness our Father is nothing if not constant, because i might go crazy if He weren't.



Grace's CameLink launched today, a ministry of sorts that puts the college students in touch with the families...since those are pretty much the two biggest groups at our church. And i am thrilled that this is finally coming about. Michelle and Mary Jane and I have been working through a lot to get this thing off the ground, and i cannot describe to you the sense of fulfillment and joy i have to see this really, actually happening. I really believe it is going to be very good for this church. Praise God!!!!!!!!!!



On a final note, I am quite confused about my role....my role in my relationships with friends, and with family. And my role in my future--what the hell am i doing? With any of this? Whoops there i go starting to write what's really in my head; i best watch out. Can't shock too many people at once. :) But back to roles--I probably should get used to uncertainty in this context, since there is sure to always be a measure of it in my life.



Lied, this is my final note: I was watching Smallville with my dad Thursday, and this Kryptonian was talking about the duplicity of humans. I remembered how i used to think, "oh, duplicity...such a lamentable vice of those non-Christians..." Now, fortunately, i don't kid myself anymore, and very much recognize how a Christian faith and duplicity are not at all mutually exclusive. I'd suggest that if all of us actually lived out our lives as we truly are internally, everyone would have a lot to be shocked about. And so, once again, I thank God for His liberal and undeserved grace that frees, not because it gives us license to do whatever we want, but because it both cleanses and allows for mistakes. If that makes any sense. It grows us. Grace is alive; it continually redeems...i suppose that's sanctification, isn't it?


I've wandered into realms in which i am unqualified to continue, at least on 3 hours' sleep. Plus: it's just time to shut up, period. This has been an unedited, stream-of-consciousness spillling of my brain, something i don't allow to reach the internet very often. If you bothered to wade in this far, I salute you (or maybe question your time management skills?...)

Goodnight.

[tonos opuestos]

Qué glorioso era ese fin de semana…¡y la cosa más gloriosa es que apenas lo ha comenzado! Es una cosa maravillosa no tener clases los viernes…pude ir a mi casa (bueno, realmente, es la casa de mis padres) en Raleigh anoche, y pasar tiempo con mi abuelita hoy…no le he visto en casi un año. Me siento como debe ser domingo por la noche…pero qué dicha, sólo es viernes :)

No sé que hacer con mi español…está disminuyendo, yo sé, por la falta de usa…esto lamento muchíííísimo. Tengo un poco de un don, me supongo, en comparación con todos los cuales que no lo hablan…pero…no soy prodigio. Sé que si continuo así, hay un posibilidad que lo perderé completamente, más o menos—he oído de eso pasando. No lo suporto…no puedo permitir que eso pase :(

¿Pero que hacer? Quizás abandonaré mis planes de pos-graduación (espera…...¡no hay! aun mejor), me mudaré a un país hispanohablante, y me casaré con un nativo…eso es mi sugestión.

tienen otros?

EEEEK

time is flying by too fast
and i feel like deadlines creep up on me almost every day now
and the room of my floor is suffocating from the junk covering it
and my bed never stops calling my name
and i don't think i've been to the gym in over a month and a half
and i must do my laundry soon before i find myself with no pants
and there are always so many places to go and things to be done


promises to keep?
miles to go before i sleep?

you could say that again (maybe...every night)




and to top it all off, i'm homesick, which i think has happened only one other time in my entire college career...good thing i'm going home tomorrow :)

Things that make you go ____________

At this moment, a dear and old friend of mine is on her way to the funeral of another good friend of hers. Her friend was killed this past Saturday morning by a hit-and-run driver coming down the wrong way on a one-way road...She was coming home from her late-night shift at the hospital where she worked.

I just found out the guy has turned himself in, which has gotten me thinking about it all again. It's so weird...They'd been friends since the fourth grade, grown up in church together, and then suddenly there's no more. I'd met her. It's difficult to wrap your brain around the idea that a person doesn't exist on Earth anymore, especially someone as young as myself, so I can hardly imagine what the people who were close to her are going through.

It's made stranger by the fact that this whole incident has called to mind a night about eight years ago, when I found out that my best friend had died from an asthma attack. That was even more surreal for me...it had been about a year since my family had moved from San Diego to Raleigh, and I was watching the Stargate movie with my parents when I got a call from a friend I hadn't talked to since we'd left...in fact, I hadn't talked to anyone since we'd left, not even Jennifer. Just silly juvenile flippancy, I guess.

But I sure didn't know how to respond then. I was only 13, and hadn't yet had those deep experiences that serve to connect your soul to someone else's, but still, I knew that she had been my best friend. And even though the cross-country move had diminished my chance of ever seeing her again, that night and that phone call blew it out of water entirely.

Everyone has those moments that are indelibly etched into their memory, those patches of time whose details are raised above the surface of every other normal day...I remember talking to my friend Anya about our other friends, and wondering if she thought badly of me for being able to change the subject from Jennifer so quickly (I mean, what is a 13-year-old supposed to do with that?). I remember wondering why I didn't cry...and I remember doing crunches later that night and suddenly bursting into tears. I remember thinking, in my little-stained 13-year-old mind, that I would be tortured for life because I would remember her every time I heard her quite-common name, or heard anything about Stargate (which in my house, was every week).

And I remember that this did not happen. Pretty quickly life went on as normal--the whole event settled into the back of my mind, not a very deeply-wounding event because of the distance (not just physically, but also temporally). But it still was surreal then, just as it always is now whenever sparked into remembrance for whatever reason.

The loss of a "loved one," as our society has labled it--something from which I have been spared thus far...though it has always, for as long as I can remember, been my greatest fear. Not heights, not spiders, not failure, not death (my own, anyway)...the thought of the loss of a person dear to my heart is about the only thing that truly saps the life out of my own. Funny though, that this has diminished with age...I guess that only makes sense.

Done reminiscing...just want to say, a mi amiga mayor de Carolina del Norte, te amo, chiquita, tengo suerte por tener tu amistad...hang in there.

LEA!

I want to read more, but more importantly, I need to read more. I have a fear that when I graduate I will feel quite inadequately educated with regard to many things.

I want to read a lot more theology and philosophy because there are so many ideas out there I've barely even tasted, as they've only been flashed at me in little spurts over the past few years. I want to be exposed to so much more, and actually have time to sift through it and try to understand it. (On my own time, though...not in a classroom.)

I want to read a lot more fiction, too, because I dearly miss the richness of the imagination that overflows from a good novel--the freedom you can bask in when the author takes your mind captive and ushers you into another world altogether. ooooo i miss it.

Sometimes I just wish I had the machine they used on the Matrix to download masses of information into your brain in no time at all...that would take care of the theology and philosophy i want to know, so that i could have all the time in the world to spend on fiction...to catch up on the classics, indulge in the frivolous, and enjoy the contemporary.

Funny how reading was the first thing i was ever passionately interested in, since kindergarten, and it's such a small part of my life now...stupid college.

it'd be nice if i don't end up just living for the weekend. here's hoping.

I got caught singing in the shower again this morning; Pocahontas this time. Why oh why do i have to live right next to the lobby?

I am sad i will be missing Switchfoot and EiSLeYyyyy this weekend, which is partly my fault, in a way, but not entirely. I will have to keep thinking about the Mae/Mutemath concert in a couple of weeks to keep this weekend's test-studying, pig-pen-aka-my-room-cleaning, brochure and website-designing, and mountains-of-clothes-laundering drudgery from getting too annoying.

I've had one really good conversation so far to kick off the weekend; it's nice to have people think outloud for you sometimes. Or, well, a lot of times. keep it coming, people.

love blinds

[it's a curious thing, the brain. amazing how many contradictory ideas it can hold at once.]


I've realized of late just how much i tend to think of my dearest friends as, for lack of a better word, perfect. As in, for some foolish reason, i'm always surprised to find that my friends do stupid things, hurt people, hurt themselves, have their priorities screwed up, are selfish, immature, etc....especially when i realize that it's nothing new; they've always been like that, to an extent.

(No, nothing particular "triggered" this. And please don't be offended. If you know me well, you know that when I am being blunt, I am the furthest from being flippant or mean-spirited. I just prefer to speak the truth as i see it, which tends to be in a much more positive light than people sometimes realize..)

Okay, no more danged disclaimers. What i mean is that, even though i know i personally do/am all the above things at one time or another, i love my friends so much and think so highly of them that i basically think they can do no wrong. Some of you know how i put people up on pedestals seen through rose-colored glasses and all that (yeah, i know you know...because i otherwise wouldn't have ever been lectured for it ;)). But the truth is, i have all of you on pedestals.

But...now that I'm realizing this about myself, i'm not coming to any bitter disappointment of any sort, not by any means. When my friends' humanity comes through, it's almost like that makes me appreciate them even more. As little sense as that makes.



But

"it was a blessed day / the day that i met you"

...pretty much expresses my reigning sentiment, if nothing else in this post makes sense.



I've a bad feeling that a number of you, if not all, won't really get what i mean with most of this. I'm really having trouble articulating what is passing through my mind tonight.

what can we do? and how do we do it?

i'm speaking in general, universal terms, really.

click on the lower right-hand link that pops up


and ptiheinnske

(you can hardly help it, anyway)

I wasn't feeling well last night, so instead of partaking in any All Hallow's Eve festivities I holed up in my room and in keeping with Reformation Day, I watched Luther. I would very much like to recommend this to everyone (watching Luther, not holing up), whether they believe in Christ or not.




To change the topic entirely, I present you with: A Breakdown of Melinda's Eve-of-Graduation Sentiments


Logical Melinda: 100% Agreement
Emotive Melinda: 35% Agreement
65% Kicking and Screaming




That is all. Thank you.