my reason, my logic and I
are trying to put in a corner but
won't sit still won't stop
tripping through the landscape
of my imaginings
'cause I'm thinking i know,
i danced with once upon a dream
but in truth, i don't even know
that are real at all
i'm thinking i should stop
so why exactly am i trying so hard
to have strong eyes that don't falter downward
when they see around?
...and it seems all wrong like this,
does it not?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Oh Hello Again (or, We're Pretty Sure Melinda's Losing It)
i am going for a record number of posts in one week (goal 50; i'm getting there) mainly because, well actually there's no good reason, there's actually a myriad of good reasons to not do this, but can i just say that every once in a while i start to question the soundness of my own brain, and today is one of those times, because i am about to burst open with a whole bunch of i-don't-know-what's, like how being in this office is the last place i want to be right now and i really just want to go find a town square and dance in it and look at all the christmas directions i mean decorations (see, crazy), and how i really have no one in my corner here at my job and this makes me lonely and want to run out, run away, anywhere, and how odd and how something that i could be married right now if i were a different person, and how i'm so hungry but i can't take my lunch yet, and how i really hope i can take next Monday off to clean my apartment and cook and write pretty music, and how i hope this christmas is not like last christmas, and how i wish that we could really tell everyone what we really mean to say, and how i can't believe that someone had the audacity to 1) turn an e-mail forward into the "song" Christmas Shoes and 2) play it on the radio right now, and how I'm still grasping for what God wants me to do but i actually wish someone would just tell me, and how i really want to take a sprint right about now, and
michelle, yes, we probably ought to go see counselors :P
enough of this mess for now
michelle, yes, we probably ought to go see counselors :P
enough of this mess for now
uh, come again?..
In Bible study this week, one of our many, many many tangents centered on antinomes in the Bible -- something that has admittedly been a point of [albeit somewhat minor] consternation for me over the years. And it was interesting for me to hear Donnie (Lane...you know, the Enemy of Ouch) and Brad (our pastor) say that yes, antinomes (seeming contradictions) do appear in the Bible, and that it's fine. It was interesting because I'm so used to hearing people either 1) use them to invalidate the Bible, or 2) deny they exist in any form or fashion. Neither option of which has ever sat well with me.
But Donnie gave an interesting analogy...one that I've essentially heard before, but somehow seemed more applicable this time: A massive, edifice-sized block of steel is held aloft from the ground by steel poles. There is a man standing on top, and a man standing beneath. The man on top claims that the block is sheer, pure white. The man beneath, looking up, says that no, it's pitch black.
I'm sure you get the point (they're both right, based on their perceptions/perspectives).
Part of me still wants to resist believing that God would be okay with different people seeing different angles, believing different things...but who am I to suggest I can ever understand the mind of God? Who can really know his intentions? He's the only one who can ever see the whole picture. I'm sure he knew/knows the Bible would/will confuse the mess out of people, so it would only make sense that that is a part of the plan that we just can't comprehend. Right? I don't know. Obviously I don't get it; never truly will; I'm mainly ok with that (yes, my intellect and logic put up a fight once in a while, but that's when I have to say, "Hello, faith.")
Then there's 1 Corinthians 2:6-16...don't know where that fits in. gahhhh.
What do YOU think?
And now for something completely different: i dare you to have a conversation using only these
But Donnie gave an interesting analogy...one that I've essentially heard before, but somehow seemed more applicable this time: A massive, edifice-sized block of steel is held aloft from the ground by steel poles. There is a man standing on top, and a man standing beneath. The man on top claims that the block is sheer, pure white. The man beneath, looking up, says that no, it's pitch black.
I'm sure you get the point (they're both right, based on their perceptions/perspectives).
Part of me still wants to resist believing that God would be okay with different people seeing different angles, believing different things...but who am I to suggest I can ever understand the mind of God? Who can really know his intentions? He's the only one who can ever see the whole picture. I'm sure he knew/knows the Bible would/will confuse the mess out of people, so it would only make sense that that is a part of the plan that we just can't comprehend. Right? I don't know. Obviously I don't get it; never truly will; I'm mainly ok with that (yes, my intellect and logic put up a fight once in a while, but that's when I have to say, "Hello, faith.")
Then there's 1 Corinthians 2:6-16...don't know where that fits in. gahhhh.
What do YOU think?
And now for something completely different: i dare you to have a conversation using only these
Monday, November 27, 2006
it's not plagiarism when you give credit ;)
As I told Jeff, I completely and shamelessly ripped this off of his blog because...i was going to write it (one day?..) but he graciously and unwittingly saved me the trouble :P...well done, Jeff.
Why Are Single People Single (or How To Find Your Soul Mate)
We're all neurotic, we've all got idiosyncracies. But it all comes down to one thing...
In order to find that lifelong relationship, we need to find one person who's willing to stick life out WITH us. And we need to stick it out with them.
Life is hard on relationships. It throws alot of curveballs, and is relentless. But if you are willing to commit to a person, if you are willing to be with that person through thick and thin, then you are on the right track. That's the answer to finding that soul mate.
It's that simple.
I hate this idea that's splashed around on Sex and The City, Friends, Laguna Beach, or whatever your favorite show is. It's the idea that we are all looking for that perfect person. And I wonder if that idea is the reason there are so many older singles. The ideal of that "perfect person" is ridiculous. Perfect people don't exist. As I said earlier, we all carry around our set of hurts and idiosyncracies. We are all damaged goods. We are all hopelessly lost and wandering.
But there is magic in that commitment to another human being. In that commitment, there is unconditional love that says "you are not perfect and I'm not perfect but we're committed to each other with knowledge of our imperfections."
So find that person you're willing to make that kind of commitment to. Commit to them. You'll find your soul mate.
Why Are Single People Single (or How To Find Your Soul Mate)
We're all neurotic, we've all got idiosyncracies. But it all comes down to one thing...
In order to find that lifelong relationship, we need to find one person who's willing to stick life out WITH us. And we need to stick it out with them.
Life is hard on relationships. It throws alot of curveballs, and is relentless. But if you are willing to commit to a person, if you are willing to be with that person through thick and thin, then you are on the right track. That's the answer to finding that soul mate.
It's that simple.
I hate this idea that's splashed around on Sex and The City, Friends, Laguna Beach, or whatever your favorite show is. It's the idea that we are all looking for that perfect person. And I wonder if that idea is the reason there are so many older singles. The ideal of that "perfect person" is ridiculous. Perfect people don't exist. As I said earlier, we all carry around our set of hurts and idiosyncracies. We are all damaged goods. We are all hopelessly lost and wandering.
But there is magic in that commitment to another human being. In that commitment, there is unconditional love that says "you are not perfect and I'm not perfect but we're committed to each other with knowledge of our imperfections."
So find that person you're willing to make that kind of commitment to. Commit to them. You'll find your soul mate.
boo/yay
i am sick, and i don't know how to fix it
and this is going to be the longest week ever, for way too many reasons
and some people just kill me
and i love my roommate so much and am glad we're about 75% the same person, and 25% complete opposites -- perfect :)
and i love the hat she just gave me for early xmas :)
and i feel way too young to have friends who are married
and i haven't been able to sleep well lately and it's annoying
but we're going xmas decor shopping on saturday and that's just great :)
and this Thurs, if anyone wants to go w/ me to the World AIDS Day Interfaith Worship Service, holla
and i think if everyone in the world would just admit that boys are dumb and girls are crazy, it would be a better place
and a new Christmas is coming, and I'm excited...hooray for something to get me through this next month :)
and this is going to be the longest week ever, for way too many reasons
and some people just kill me
and i love my roommate so much and am glad we're about 75% the same person, and 25% complete opposites -- perfect :)
and i love the hat she just gave me for early xmas :)
and i feel way too young to have friends who are married
and i haven't been able to sleep well lately and it's annoying
but we're going xmas decor shopping on saturday and that's just great :)
and this Thurs, if anyone wants to go w/ me to the World AIDS Day Interfaith Worship Service, holla
and i think if everyone in the world would just admit that boys are dumb and girls are crazy, it would be a better place
and a new Christmas is coming, and I'm excited...hooray for something to get me through this next month :)
Saturday, November 25, 2006
wow..
Yep, two in one day.
I didn't mean to, but I just ended up reading a bunch of old posts back from the inception of this little bloggy a year and some months ago, and, I have to tell you, it was more than a little unsettling.
Not because I was a complete dork and an immature child, which was what I experienced when I read a bunch of old xangas from freshman year five or six months ago. No, it was unsettling because I'm pretty sure I was smarter a year ago than I am now. And more honest. At least, that's how those posts sound.
This one really caught me off guard, because I could have written it today, except that I had forgotten it. I'm glad to have read it again:
------------------------------------------------------------------
"do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?
do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?
do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?
do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?
do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?
Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)
In the meantime...
Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm glad to have read it again, but it disturbs me a little that i had not really articulated it like that to myself recently. Thanks, past-self. Too bad i feel like you're smarter than me now.
I didn't mean to, but I just ended up reading a bunch of old posts back from the inception of this little bloggy a year and some months ago, and, I have to tell you, it was more than a little unsettling.
Not because I was a complete dork and an immature child, which was what I experienced when I read a bunch of old xangas from freshman year five or six months ago. No, it was unsettling because I'm pretty sure I was smarter a year ago than I am now. And more honest. At least, that's how those posts sound.
This one really caught me off guard, because I could have written it today, except that I had forgotten it. I'm glad to have read it again:
------------------------------------------------------------------
"do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?
do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?
do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?
do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?
do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?
Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)
In the meantime...
Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm glad to have read it again, but it disturbs me a little that i had not really articulated it like that to myself recently. Thanks, past-self. Too bad i feel like you're smarter than me now.
"If my life was cinematic / with a soundtrack so dramatic..."
Sometimes I think the coolest job I could have would be to be that person who picks out the music for movies (and some t.v. shows, the good ones)...although I kinda doubt that's an actual job. But i don't think i'd actually be very successful with it, because my approach would be all backwards. I wouldn't be able to read a scene and know the perfect song -- i hear a song and know the perfect scene that could be built around it. and I just doubt any producer would let someone build a non-musical, regular movie around pre-selected music because...that would be too creative, but anyway....
I've realized I really think of nearly all music as part of a soundtrack. I "see" a scene when a song moves me (which is often), and usually the scenes are from my life, either the past or something i see in the future, because the songs that move me most are the ones that somehow speak in some familiar language directly to my heart. Even ones without words. Have you ever had tears come to your eyes just at the beauty of a song without words? If you haven't, you're not listening carefully.
I really do often think of my life as a movie, as silly as that may sound to some people, and there are dozens of songs i've found that are perfectly fitted to different parts of it. literally. as in, i could play you the Soundtrack of My Life if i wanted...it's right there in my iTunes. :) And one thing that is so striking to me about that songlist is that at least half of them are entirely tension-ridden....I've always been moth-to-a-flame attracted to tension in music, to "unresolvedness," to minor keys, to both passionate outbursts and consciously restrained chords...
I've always thought I was so strange because of that...But I think it really does make sense, at least in mi mente. Life to me seems like one long thread of tension, good and bad. There will always be something that is going to happen; even if nothing is happening, that means something. Resolution in this life is an impossibility, I believe, and people who are looking for that and expect to find it will not only be disappointed, but will miss out on a lot. A lot. As Matt Slocum wrote, "tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord"...
Maybe that's the optimist in me (sidenote: i've recently declared myself a cynic to some people, but let me just say that it's possible to be both a cynic and an optimist...but don't ask how, i don't know), that and my own experiences which have affirmed the truth of that lyric..
Sorry to get so esoteric and abstruse on you dear readers; that's what happens when i listen to Zoe Keating. who will burn your heart out and take your breath away, by the way. at least, if you're me..
I've realized I really think of nearly all music as part of a soundtrack. I "see" a scene when a song moves me (which is often), and usually the scenes are from my life, either the past or something i see in the future, because the songs that move me most are the ones that somehow speak in some familiar language directly to my heart. Even ones without words. Have you ever had tears come to your eyes just at the beauty of a song without words? If you haven't, you're not listening carefully.
I really do often think of my life as a movie, as silly as that may sound to some people, and there are dozens of songs i've found that are perfectly fitted to different parts of it. literally. as in, i could play you the Soundtrack of My Life if i wanted...it's right there in my iTunes. :) And one thing that is so striking to me about that songlist is that at least half of them are entirely tension-ridden....I've always been moth-to-a-flame attracted to tension in music, to "unresolvedness," to minor keys, to both passionate outbursts and consciously restrained chords...
I've always thought I was so strange because of that...But I think it really does make sense, at least in mi mente. Life to me seems like one long thread of tension, good and bad. There will always be something that is going to happen; even if nothing is happening, that means something. Resolution in this life is an impossibility, I believe, and people who are looking for that and expect to find it will not only be disappointed, but will miss out on a lot. A lot. As Matt Slocum wrote, "tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord"...
Maybe that's the optimist in me (sidenote: i've recently declared myself a cynic to some people, but let me just say that it's possible to be both a cynic and an optimist...but don't ask how, i don't know), that and my own experiences which have affirmed the truth of that lyric..
Sorry to get so esoteric and abstruse on you dear readers; that's what happens when i listen to Zoe Keating. who will burn your heart out and take your breath away, by the way. at least, if you're me..
Friday, November 24, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
OH GOD I HAVE TO DO THIS DON'T I
...wish i knew exactly what "this" is...
But it has to do with Spanish. I just know it. I got to speak with a client today for about 45 seconds in Spanish, and those 45 seconds were the happiest spent here at my job in probably a couple months. We probably would have (and should have) talked a lot longer if my brain hadn't been in a surprise-induced frenzy and unable to come up with any coherent sentences.
It almost made me cry I was so excited...but now I feel kind of sick...I don't know what I'm doing. Oh dear God seriously, please show me what this means....
......
....
..
But it has to do with Spanish. I just know it. I got to speak with a client today for about 45 seconds in Spanish, and those 45 seconds were the happiest spent here at my job in probably a couple months. We probably would have (and should have) talked a lot longer if my brain hadn't been in a surprise-induced frenzy and unable to come up with any coherent sentences.
It almost made me cry I was so excited...but now I feel kind of sick...I don't know what I'm doing. Oh dear God seriously, please show me what this means....
......
....
..
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
romans 7:15ff, reinterpreted
80ofu90i spend my life3jslfjsal34fjseljfshhu238sdd
sdfassdf8j4l5r908fjxl403508w5809e085l
90sd3oru3890dflas one big confused messfywojdljfssldk
2sj,xyvnlu&3jiosdcutsoiujd.sw.sjsdkjhcljow39
hgh3and i never get what i do deserve,sldjrwo83djckcke
asulserujfsl283776fn,g084nf908tfksdjalsukd
jkdjfls76ij,cthank God,sdfsfsdjktywethogri493kd4yy
sfldjfljf90jsldfjskajs90j23unbdf79483j5kldf7458
rsthough who the hell knows whywklcpeiwxz7fdsasf5
sldkfjklsjf3289rjtyh;asdgh73lskdflsdahslfc82ehsa
skfa'cause i seldom seem to do the right thingsfrwfds
sdfjskljfoilskdugn2387rhgdf9745unskx842389hs9fs
dlskhfsdkfand-every night-i ought to go to bed amazedasd
welksdusklfj23897589yternth3489tsh7w4rhw49r7sr
sdlibecause i know that for some strange reasonsdlfjoa
su9238io457wr890570238453o5u0tdjsi482034jlsc8t
d3ad you will graciously deign to trifle with mesdksdfsl6
lskjdfwoj2903u59uthg5yhye9gher87t3480u5j230sd8r
fjsliwewemw-every tomorrow-;rth6gdgsdfdasdfdsa
s0e4u290utowerujflsjaopf9375osehgnvnvoyaposj[w.z
fgjsf546djr9wej9yhj,jhYou're too good.jsdklt9asu9d
roj0yer0ug;ksdrh89345uiadf[ejgn.ztj[0wusoritjasdk.ru
sdfassdf8j4l5r908fjxl403508w5809e085l
90sd3oru3890dflas one big confused messfywojdljfssldk
2sj,xyvnlu&3jiosdcutsoiujd.sw.sjsdkjhcljow39
hgh3and i never get what i do deserve,sldjrwo83djckcke
asulserujfsl283776fn,g084nf908tfksdjalsukd
jkdjfls76ij,cthank God,sdfsfsdjktywethogri493kd4yy
sfldjfljf90jsldfjskajs90j23unbdf79483j5kldf7458
rsthough who the hell knows whywklcpeiwxz7fdsasf5
sldkfjklsjf3289rjtyh;asdgh73lskdflsdahslfc82ehsa
skfa'cause i seldom seem to do the right thingsfrwfds
sdfjskljfoilskdugn2387rhgdf9745unskx842389hs9fs
dlskhfsdkfand-every night-i ought to go to bed amazedasd
welksdusklfj23897589yternth3489tsh7w4rhw49r7sr
sdlibecause i know that for some strange reasonsdlfjoa
su9238io457wr890570238453o5u0tdjsi482034jlsc8t
d3ad you will graciously deign to trifle with mesdksdfsl6
lskjdfwoj2903u59uthg5yhye9gher87t3480u5j230sd8r
fjsliwewemw-every tomorrow-;rth6gdgsdfdasdfdsa
s0e4u290utowerujflsjaopf9375osehgnvnvoyaposj[w.z
fgjsf546djr9wej9yhj,jhYou're too good.jsdklt9asu9d
roj0yer0ug;ksdrh89345uiadf[ejgn.ztj[0wusoritjasdk.ru
Sunday, November 19, 2006
[i spend a lot of time in my car...]
there's a poem in the trees
and on the road
and on my tongue
speaking volumes
to maybe no one but myself
there's a word inside my mind
that can't escape
as i can't name it
so it waits
for the right time to be found
and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog
there's a poem in the trees
and i can see it
moving through the leaves
i want to run through
but instead i drive ahead
driving toward the sun
that's burning through the fog
and i go on
and on
wondering what is wrong
or if there's nothing
nothing really wrong after all
and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog
and on the road
and on my tongue
speaking volumes
to maybe no one but myself
there's a word inside my mind
that can't escape
as i can't name it
so it waits
for the right time to be found
and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog
there's a poem in the trees
and i can see it
moving through the leaves
i want to run through
but instead i drive ahead
driving toward the sun
that's burning through the fog
and i go on
and on
wondering what is wrong
or if there's nothing
nothing really wrong after all
and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Me hacen falta...
I miss...
~the cold weather
~my brother...his hugs and our conversations
~going to the gym
~Costa Rica
~salsa dancing
~being entirely comfortable, though not sure I ever really had that
~throwing the ball around and watching scifi with my dad
~working backstage at the ballet
~cuddling with my sweet boy danny dog
~going to the movies
~playing in an orchestra
~real intimacy with the Father
~snow
~speaking Spanish
~the mountains
~traveling
~working at TWR
~dance classes
~being out in pure nature
~family ski trips to Utah
yup.
~the cold weather
~my brother...his hugs and our conversations
~going to the gym
~Costa Rica
~salsa dancing
~being entirely comfortable, though not sure I ever really had that
~throwing the ball around and watching scifi with my dad
~working backstage at the ballet
~cuddling with my sweet boy danny dog
~going to the movies
~playing in an orchestra
~real intimacy with the Father
~snow
~speaking Spanish
~the mountains
~traveling
~working at TWR
~dance classes
~being out in pure nature
~family ski trips to Utah
yup.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
"Somethin' brought you to my mind today..."
Now this post is dedicated to my roommate and best friend Rebecca Michelle "Wolfdawg Dillweed" Efird.
Yesterday as I was working with some of our volunteers, we were answering some questions that had a kind of T-day flavor, and mine was something to the effect of "what's something you tend to take for granted, beyond the typical 'food and shelter' answers?"
And Mich was definitely my answer. Not only am I blessed that I have a roommate who is not crazy (in a bad way :P) or annoying or irresponsible or unfriendly, but I am so blessed that she IS my encourager and sounding board and my soul sister, and so many things in between. I love that when I talk to her, I feel like I'm talking to myself b/c she understands me so well -- probably because we basically have the same brain. I love that we have different personalities and different experiences and we still blend so well. I love that she keeps me from being a social recluse. ;) I love that I trust her, and I love that we pray together and read la Biblia together...I love HER. :)
This post of appreciation was brought on by a week of me being out-of-town, our longest separation since becoming roommates (yes I'm going through withdrawal). I realized yesterday that I am completely affirmed in my decision to move "far away" from work just to be able to room w/ my Chelle, since in this week of estrés and "hardship" (which i say thus quoted b/c i know that honestly, i have it pretty good and i should know better...i mean, i wrote the article...but i'm still human), I've barely been able to make it, and that's only one week. Never coulda done these 10 months alone.
Yesterday as I was working with some of our volunteers, we were answering some questions that had a kind of T-day flavor, and mine was something to the effect of "what's something you tend to take for granted, beyond the typical 'food and shelter' answers?"
And Mich was definitely my answer. Not only am I blessed that I have a roommate who is not crazy (in a bad way :P) or annoying or irresponsible or unfriendly, but I am so blessed that she IS my encourager and sounding board and my soul sister, and so many things in between. I love that when I talk to her, I feel like I'm talking to myself b/c she understands me so well -- probably because we basically have the same brain. I love that we have different personalities and different experiences and we still blend so well. I love that she keeps me from being a social recluse. ;) I love that I trust her, and I love that we pray together and read la Biblia together...I love HER. :)
This post of appreciation was brought on by a week of me being out-of-town, our longest separation since becoming roommates (yes I'm going through withdrawal). I realized yesterday that I am completely affirmed in my decision to move "far away" from work just to be able to room w/ my Chelle, since in this week of estrés and "hardship" (which i say thus quoted b/c i know that honestly, i have it pretty good and i should know better...i mean, i wrote the article...but i'm still human), I've barely been able to make it, and that's only one week. Never coulda done these 10 months alone.
"And you'll never know what it means to me..."
"...just to know you've been on your knees for me..."
"Oh, you have blessed my life...more than you'll ever know."
Monday, November 13, 2006
thank you for [being here still].. :)
Well, there are a number of things I had intended to say, but the fact of the matter is that ol' blogspot cannot replace my poor lost journal, which I hope will be recovered very soon. And then it occured to me that instead, I would simply like to dedicate this post to my beloved Tara Shannon Krishna Prasad, and thank her for always continuing to be a beautifully patient and listening ear and an encouragement to me even from states away. God bless you for putting up with my ups and downs, my dear, and I miss you terribly. :)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
catharsis
So I just had my quarterly review for my work program, and the only words I can think of that describe the feelings I'm left with are "confused" and "frustrated"...
I finally have reached the point where I have to own that there is something very amiss with what I am doing, and I can't seem to define what that is. I'm not happy with what I'm doing at work/in life (it's all connected, I can't help it, no matter how hard I try to separate the two), and I'm struggling to figure out why.
Is it because I'm bored? Is it because I know I'm not doing a good job, because I'm bored? It could be because I'm definitely not a social worker at heart. It could be because I can't seem to connect with my clients, or it could be because I don't understand why I'm resisting connecting with them to start with. It could be because I'm not using my degree at all (which wouldn't bother me so much except that I love my degree). It could be because I've been here over two months and I still can't see why God led me here, either to this program or to this specific placement. It could be because I hate that when people ask what I do, I have to fake it if I want to show any enthusiasm. It could be because everyone talks about their program providing "safe spaces," and yet, my work/program are the two places in my life in which I don't feel safe. It could be because I feel like I'm being discouraged to pursue what I'm passionate about because that is what is "comfortable" to me. It could be because I want to shut it all down once I leave the office at the end of the day, but I feel like I'm not really supposed to do that. It could be because I feel uncomfortable all the time, which they say is good, but I don't want to agree. It could be because I don't feel free to share/explain any of these things to my supervisors. It could be because I'm accustomed to all my "personal growth experiences" being relegated to outside the realm of work, but now it's almost all work-related. It could be because I feel like sometimes all my emotional energy is spent on my job and I don't have enough left to work through my own personal situations. It could be because I feel like I'm on my own in all this, that no one in my outside-of-work support system relates to what I'm going through.
So it's all those things and more...
And what is most discouraging, right now, is that I'm physically tense, all I want to do is cry, and all I can think about is how I want this experience to be over with. Everything I've just written about is, simply put, wearing me more than I have the capacity to appreciate right now.
I finally have reached the point where I have to own that there is something very amiss with what I am doing, and I can't seem to define what that is. I'm not happy with what I'm doing at work/in life (it's all connected, I can't help it, no matter how hard I try to separate the two), and I'm struggling to figure out why.
Is it because I'm bored? Is it because I know I'm not doing a good job, because I'm bored? It could be because I'm definitely not a social worker at heart. It could be because I can't seem to connect with my clients, or it could be because I don't understand why I'm resisting connecting with them to start with. It could be because I'm not using my degree at all (which wouldn't bother me so much except that I love my degree). It could be because I've been here over two months and I still can't see why God led me here, either to this program or to this specific placement. It could be because I hate that when people ask what I do, I have to fake it if I want to show any enthusiasm. It could be because everyone talks about their program providing "safe spaces," and yet, my work/program are the two places in my life in which I don't feel safe. It could be because I feel like I'm being discouraged to pursue what I'm passionate about because that is what is "comfortable" to me. It could be because I want to shut it all down once I leave the office at the end of the day, but I feel like I'm not really supposed to do that. It could be because I feel uncomfortable all the time, which they say is good, but I don't want to agree. It could be because I don't feel free to share/explain any of these things to my supervisors. It could be because I'm accustomed to all my "personal growth experiences" being relegated to outside the realm of work, but now it's almost all work-related. It could be because I feel like sometimes all my emotional energy is spent on my job and I don't have enough left to work through my own personal situations. It could be because I feel like I'm on my own in all this, that no one in my outside-of-work support system relates to what I'm going through.
So it's all those things and more...
And what is most discouraging, right now, is that I'm physically tense, all I want to do is cry, and all I can think about is how I want this experience to be over with. Everything I've just written about is, simply put, wearing me more than I have the capacity to appreciate right now.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I was trying to see if i could go more than 3 days without posting, but I lost. I would like to share something I read last night in Isaiah ch. 35 that made me laugh, but was very encouraging all the same. I imagine it really depends on what translation you read, plus there's the alternate interpretation that many translations include, but I saw it first in the NKJV --
"Whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray."
Pretty much the best thing I could have read, since sometimes I feel like I live in a perpetual state of foolishness.
The whole chapter is pretty...something, for lack of an adequate word. Go for it.
"Whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray."
Pretty much the best thing I could have read, since sometimes I feel like I live in a perpetual state of foolishness.
The whole chapter is pretty...something, for lack of an adequate word. Go for it.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Graduation - now: half year in review
the future RM and me revelling in post-grad glee
dinner after Tricia's wedding
MUTEMAAAATH show No. 4
The flowers Heather literally threw at my face, and you know what THAT means...i'm sorry to to the other ladies, 'cause the rest of you are gonna be waiting a lonnng time now apparently
We entertained ourselves while waiting for the very spooky Haunted Trail by making scary faces. I left my eyes red in the picture in an attempt to make it scarier....hm.i like to confuse the rhyme-schemers
...apparently.
ridiculous
there's no restraint
it's been too long
too little change
can't concentrate
don't think about
don't wonder more
can do without
fill emptiness
no flightiness
curb sadness and
the pessimist
the written word
a helping hand
do what you know
do what you can
don't look too hard
don't search too far
it hurts the eyes
can hurt the heart
impersonal
strike out the name
protect the wall
ignore the game
too quick to hide
can't help but run
stop compromise
no shutting eyes
how quickly smile
to blue thought fades
will questions rise
give birth to change?
insinuate
their words to hear
all them, too loud
their words too weird
so quiet walk
away come back
make up the mind
the self attacks
oh wanting to
explain the past
just longing to
admit at last
Thursday, November 02, 2006
*shiver*
^That is what www.pandora.com does to me...in addition to making my heart beat really fast. In sheer joy and excitement.
If you meet these qualifications (a) connected to music via your soul (b) too broke to invest in lots of music
...then you will appreciate Pandora as a personal revival of all things beautiful and otherworldy about music. fo' sho'.
If you meet these qualifications (a) connected to music via your soul (b) too broke to invest in lots of music
...then you will appreciate Pandora as a personal revival of all things beautiful and otherworldy about music. fo' sho'.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
what a difference time can make
such a rush of color feeling
painted landscapes brushed and brilliant
i'm left breathless blinded reeling
living canvases revealing
leaves that make me feel
like i'm in love
painted landscapes brushed and brilliant
i'm left breathless blinded reeling
living canvases revealing
leaves that make me feel
like i'm in love
Can I just tell you how an earlier sunrise can turn a dragging commute into a glory-filled experience? not that I saw the sunrise this morning, mind you, but it is quite amazing the way the autumn trees lit up by the early morning light can transform an "am I going to make it?"-45-minute commute into the most wonderful ride.
oh, how I wish I were in the mountains....maybe I can just pretend I'm driving up the Blue Ridge Parkway as I drive to work in the mornings. at least until I hit the Beltline.
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