Note To Self, No.2: Confessions of a Privileged Young American

I hate not knowing where I'll end up after I graduate.
Concern for my physical safety is not even a factor to be taken into account. I am pretty much guaranteed a job of one kind or another. I had the opportunity to further my education. I had the financial resources to get this far.


I hate doing schoolwork when I'd rather be focusing on my job search.
I got to spend four years on the exclusive purpose of growing as a person and providing for a higher quality of life later on. I live in a country and come from an environment where substantial financial comfort is a very real possibility for me.

I am wondering if I will be able to find inexpensive-enough shoes for the spring formal.
I would be ashamed for a homeless woman to find out how many pairs of shoes I own. I have shoes for every season, and every occasion. I have shoes.

I am annoyed by the soft pudge that has formed around my middle, but can also still be heard remarking that "I am starving!".
I have fancy health facilities at my fingertips. I will never know what it is like to cry from hunger. I will never have to dig through someone's refuse to try to find nourishment.

I am impatient for a God-fearing companion to find me and love me as his own for the rest of our lives.
I have never found myself abused. I have never known the deep pain of betrayal. I have never felt the anguish of thinking I was utterly alone.

I wish my bank account would allow me to bulk up my new music files more often. I regret that I can afford to see either Eisely or Mutemath this month, but not both.
I have the luxury of even considering spending money on entertainment. I have a nice computer. I have an iPod.

I worry about being able to find a good apartment and roommates, and dread the possibility of having to move back home.
I have an extensive family network, supportive family who can be a safety net if I need it. I'll never literally worry about having a roof over my head.

I get frustrated with how much money I have to put into my car. I am currently annoyed that I don't have enough cash to fix my radio or cigarette lighter. I am envious of people with CD players in their dashes. I sometimes imagine how nice it would be to have a newer-than-a-'95 car.
I have a fully-automated Avalon with working AC and leather seats. Every person in my immediate family has a car for his or her exclusive use, and that's the middle-class norm in my country.

I hate the thought of maybe having to leave the church family I've come to love.
I've been able to take advantage of opportunities for incredible growth, publicly corporate worship, personally and spiritually edifying relationships, and prayer support whenever I should ask for it. I know I can rest in the assurance that the Lord will provide a form of community wherever I go. I have been given the Holy Spirit to guide me, incercede for me, and otherwise counter my sinful nature. I know the joy of Christ and the peace of the Father.

I get frustrated with my headache-inducing TMJ disorder.
I belong to a family that can afford quality medical care. I live in a society where it is readily available. I do not have a health problem that in any way hinders my day-to-day activities. I do not have a health problem that is not easily treated.

I hate not having the time to relax whenever I should need it. I really hope I'll be able to get to my "Fun Things To Do In Spare Time" list after I've gotten settled in an apartment and job.
I can be confident of eventually having both a job and an apartment. It's unlikely I will ever have to work my fingers to the bone just to survive. I will have a 401(K). The word "retirement" is a viable part of my vocabulary; it will not be a dream born out of wishful thinking. I am not of a financial background or on a job path that will necesitate my forfeiting free time or friendships. If I were actually responsible and efficient with my time, I could easily afford to spend some of it in front of a t.v., or behind a book, or out in the fresh air.

I hate how my parents' marital problems have affected me.
I have two still-married parents who love me unconditionally and have always been intentional in showing me this. I have two Christ-following parents who raised me to fear God, were smart enough to teach me how to stay out of trouble, and cared enough to plant seeds for growth I would not reap until years later.

I am often burdened by my personal brand of suffering, whatever it happens to be at the moment, and secretly feel entitled to some sympathy.
I do not live in daily fear for my life. I have never felt the physical humiliation and psychological and emotional devastation of a rape. I have not experienced the loss of a family member or dear friend. I do not wake up wondering if I will eat today; I do not fall asleep hating myself for the drug addiciton that is wrecking my life. I never had to face abuse or endure neglect from my parents. I do not fear that my house will be the next one hit. I do not know the grief of losing a child. I have never been in danger because of being a Christian. I have never wondered what it feels like to be loved. I do not have to face the daily torments of a terminal illness. I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I flirted with thoughts of taking it. I am not locked into an unrelenting, desperate economic situation with no hope of escape. I do not ache from cheating my soul by selling my body; I do not ache from cheating my future mate by having given it away. I am not holed up in a dank cell because I opposed my tyranic government. I have never had to watch helplessly as my community died off. I have never been ostracized or ridiculed for any of my sins.

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous in these realizations, and neither am I trying to depress anyone. I'm just trying to be realistic. I need to be reminded; I want it to be difficult to forget that not only am I privileged, but I am extremely blessed--and undoubtedly more so than I realize. Shame on me for ever feeling justified in complaining about my life, when there are so many people who have less, suffer more, and still live with praise for the Lord ever on their lips!

God forbid I get distracted by my shiny, middle-class Americana and forget.

My newest discovery

(discovered during my weekend of moronic slackdom): Zoe Keating

She's actually from Rasputina to whom Billy introduced me last month, but Keating's solo work hits me closer in preference....it's so ridiculously layered and rich that just about all I can do is sit dumbly with my mouth hanging open. She's incredibly inspiring--even if you're not a cellist, I can't see how you wouldn't be amazed.

Fever, of the cabin variety

I don't think I have ever loved the outdoors so much as I have since going to CR. I can't believe I actually disliked going on nature excursions with my family when I was little...oh to be able to do that again!

There is a hawk sitting on a tree outside my window. I really hope that A) I get a job here, and B) I get to keep this awesome office. Having a lake right next to me is probably what helps me be able to stand sitting at a desk for most of the day.

I still freaking want to go to Ravenrock. Andrew Tatum found the most beautiful little abandoned beagle puppy there yesterday; his name is Tucker and he's adorable. :) I miss my Danny.

Too bad I didn't like science enough to want to pursue my early veterinary dreams. I just love those darn animals, garsh. I just love creation. I think I'm turning into a treehugger. hmm.

2 months from today: Graduation, the official end of life as i know it

This school year I've had a running mental list of all the things I want to do once I've graduated and gotten settled in a job/apartment. Goes something like...


make my Costa Rica scrapbook (even if a year late)

learn how to salsa north-american style, and find somewhere to do it

make enough money to start buying music again (2-3 CDs a year is killing me..)

find a classical chamber group I can kick some notes around with

write articles to submit to ________ (okay, probably relevant..)

find a small community theater group who will let me work with them (so that i can finally find out if i suck or not, so that if i do, at least i will know it and can put an end to the sad, wistful feeling i get in my stomach every time i leave after the end of a play)

learn about astronomy and learn as much of the map of the night sky as i can

read for fun without guilt (definitely looking foward to this)

consistently exercise at least 3 days a week

relearn all the music theory I've forgotten, and learn as much new theory as i can stand

volunteer saturdays as a translator with Habitat for Humanity

get a dog

considering I'm supposed to be a student of media, actually make the time to be a consumer of it (i.e. of news articles and broadcasts) so I don't feel like such an ignorant moron

go see the musicals at Memorial

go to museums more than once every two years

play outside more


I know it's fairly unrealistic to want to do all these things...but sometimes dreaming about it keeps me from pulling my hair out these days, so hey. :)