Note: This post is best read while listening to Sufjan Steven's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL" ;-)
From time to time--sometimes for intellectual reasons, sometimes for hardship reasons, sometimes for no reason at all--a piece of me wants to question the whole God bit. I dance around it, really, not actually wanting to disbelieve that to which I've clung for most of my life. But in spite of my continuing determination to cling to faith “in things unseen,” I can't help but want proof, sometimes.
It's always been like that. And the proof I've always found--irrefutable proof, to me--is what I've seen in people's lives. Uncanny hope, victory against the odds, miraculous changes...and, every so often, I am blessed to find this proof in my own life.
For the past three and a half months, I've been struggling to recover from a reconstructive surgery for a ruptured ACL. Ironically, the struggle hasn't been physical, as I've been flying through my rehab (much to my physical therapist's constant surprise). The struggle has actually been related to some insurance mishaps--a situation that has left me trying to figure out how I'd pay for the $15,000+ of remaining medical bills, should it come to that.
It has been such a weight. At the time of my surgery, I was basically an intern, and definitely living on an intern's salary. So for the past three and a half months, I've been wavering between trying to stave off despair--what would I do if these bills came my way??--and trying to trust what I'd heard and believed so many times, that God is in control. I've been trying to live my life normally, but for three and a half months there has been this vast concern, just lurking in the background. I've prayed, usually more helplessly than cheerfully.
This morning, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that my insurance companies would be switching next week, due to a new job. And just as suddenly, it occurred to me that I had to finish my insurance appeal paperwork--today, if I wanted to get it in by the deadline. I dashed to my computer and worked on it most of the rest of the day, still trying not to ask, what happens if this doesn't work? What if it doesn't get there on time?
Several hours later, as I drove home, I couldn't help but dwell on what a heavy burden I felt. In spite of myself, my mind kept wandering to one idea--"why?" I know life isn't always fair, but it just didn't seem right. I had sustained the knee injury while training to become a better self defense instructor, a passion God had dumped in my lap about a year ago. And a big reason I had managed not to finish my insurance appeal earlier was because I had been investing countless hours to help organize some anti-human-trafficking efforts in my area.
I didn't blame God for such an unfair return on my hard work--that's life, sometimes. But it still sucked. It was still wearing and weighing me down.
As I pulled into my driveway, depressed, I again tried consoling myself with the idea that God is in control, and that He is going to take care of me, whatever that ends up meaning. This thought inspired a slight shimmer of peace, at least enough to soften the frown I had been wearing the whole drive home.
Coming inside, on the coffee table I saw two envelopes my roommate had left for me from the mail. One was pink, with a handwritten address but no return address; the other was from the hospital. Another bill. Always one to take the bad news first, I anxiously opened the bill.
But it wasn't a bill. It was a notice informing me that the hospital had reviewed my application for financial hardship, and had decided to dismiss 80% of the charges I had incurred.
Stunned with disbelief, I turned to the pink mystery envelop, and pulled from it a single sheet of paper. In large, colorful letters, were written the words, "It's all for Him," along with a single Bible verse: "For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power and everything is for his glory" (Romans 11:36).
...Except I could barely read through the verse, given that by this time, of course, my eyes were completely flooded. (I later found out it had been sent by a friend, who simply had felt led to mail the verse to me.)
Overwhelmed, shocked, grateful and awed beyond words, I paced my house, humming a beautiful Sufjan Stevens melody that had been in my head all day. Realizing I didn't actually know any of the words, I went to look them up. Sucker for symbolism that I am, I was halfway daring the lyrics to fit the moment, so I wasn't even that surprised at what I read:
When the revenant came down
We couldn't imagine what it was
In the spirit of three stars
The alien thing that took its form
Then to Lebanon, oh God
The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow
Oh, history involved itself
Mysterious shade that took its form
Or what it was, incarnation, three stars
Delivering signs and dusting from their eyes
So once again, I've found myself with the proof that my mind, and even my heart, sometimes crave - proof that God loves, that God cares, that God is. And I am so humbled.
The Fighting Camels are fierce. Grrr.
