If you thought you could pull the God card, forget it

why am I pretty much the only one I know who likes to update his/her blog? i really do still have a life...what's wrong with me?

don't answer that

Continuing on, I figured that if you happen to be unfortunate enough to have both a broken Apple product and my sense of humor, you might like to know that Apple reserves the right to refuse service on products damaged for the following reasons (as listed on their website): accident, abuse, neglect, misuse (including faulty installation, repair, or maintenance by anyone other than Apple or an Apple Authorized Service Provider), unauthorized modification, extreme environment (including extreme temperature or humidity), extreme physical or electrical stress or interference, fluctuation or surges of electrical power, lightning, static electricity, fire, acts of God or other external causes.

Well, how about that

www.freederekwebb.com

The mundane and the magnificent

• I just realized I desperately need to go grocery shopping as all I have is cereal and Michaelina's 99-cent frozen dinners. Why is it so hard to hold onto real food?
  
• I hate that all I ever want to do when I get home is relax, because i need to CLEAN and i need to work on my parents' anniversary present and i have GOT to exercise and i want to play outside....
  
• It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside (yet another day perfect for Raven Rock...i.e., next perfect-weather day, PLEASE somebody find me and go with me!). I had to park in the dirt lot next to the church building because I was 15 minutes late, and I sat in my car after church for about 5 minutes just staring at the sky and the field and the wood beyond the lot and got goosebumps...it's a wonderful way to reconnect with the Father, ps, when you're sitting in the midst of that beautiful creation.
  
• I have a new appreciation for State Troopers, and for how God can use yes, even state troopers, for good...as in when one pulled me over last night because I was falling asleep at the wheel and not realizing I was speeding 15 over and drifting into the oncoming lane....and he didn't give me a ticket. Oh, and did I mention I didn't have my license? I couldn't find my license (??), I was speeding and I had gone into the opposite lane, it's the end of the month, and that man still didn't ticket me...I have NO idea why, especially since I flat out broke 3 traffic laws in 5 minutes, but for some reason he was so kind (i'm serious, kind) and told me that since I was so tired, would I please drive slower? The speed limit is 35. I could hardly even speak, I couldn't believe it. He said he had been behind me for about half a mile before I pulled over -- that's how ridiculously sleepy and stupid I was, and how ridiculously not-pissed he was...I don't understand. In my delirium last night I seriously kept thinking, "are you an angel????"

The rest of the way home I was pretty much in shock and constantly thinking of how glad I was that I got pulled...it was all I could do last night to not think of what could have happened to me or, God forbid, Michelle, while we were in that car, if I had continued to "drive" uninterrupted. Kept thinking of my accident from 4 years ago that changed my life and was so relieved I didn't have another such life-changing experience...and when we got home, Robert came in while I was washing my face because I was all blubbery, and after we told him what happened he goes, "that's funny, because after I got off the phone with michelle I prayed you guys would get home safely"...thanks, I cried more....no but really, thanks :) Thank God. What a sobering night.

It's a sexy time now, apparently

This summer while I lived at home, I got into the habit of reading the paper every day. I am considering reviving said habit via a paper plopping on my own doorstep, but in the meantime I get the N&O daily email.

An article today about the burgeoning need for lawyers to smooth out immigration problems included this commentary: '"It's a sexy time now," said John L. Pinnix, a long-time Raleigh immigration attorney. "You pick up the paper and there is an immigration story every day."

I personally don't see what's sexy about anything political, immigration included, but if you feel the need to appear edgy and unconventional with your diction, John L. Pinnix, you go right ahead, I guess.


On another note, I have been miserably unproductive at work of late. Not a sexy time at all (thanks for my enlightened vocabulary, Mr. Pinnix). I think it's because I'm getting bored. They need to hurry up and give me all that Spanish work they promised me.

Oh, me.

So, my first and hopefully last celebrity crush has again been terribly revived as it is now 4 days after the MM show and I am still thinking about the wonderfulness that is Darren King. Does this mean I am less of a woman? I hope not, because if so, I will have to be content to be a lesser woman until someone who is actually based in reality sweeps me off my feet.

I would now like to extend apologies to my lovely roommate for all the times I made fun of her Bryce what's-his-face obsession.


Disclaimer: this post has nothing at all to do with the previous post, as ironic as that may seem

oh

there are so many things in life that i want. wait, that's not quite it...there are a few things in life that I want very badly, as the rest is fluff.

that's better.

¿por qué?

WHY does my personality have to be so confused? It's split, I swear. Half interovert, half extrovert = problems. Half homebody, half vagabond-at-heart = problems! I can't even seem to leave the little village of Buies Creek, and yet I seriously want to be living in another country this time next year.

(^sparked by a conversation with yet another coworker who lived and learned Spanish abroad...)


Sidenote: it would appear that I have become readdicted to blogspotting. I am realizing I deny my addictions b/c that word has such a negative connotation, but I have them all the same. Case-in-point: in response to my broken iPod and my dad's accusatory stance towards my relationship with it, I literally started to say, "I'm not addicted, I just can't live without it!"

thank goodness i stopped myself; i never would have heard the end of it

Starbucks freaks me out

This morning I went to the coffee mecca for what was maybe my fifth time ever. Ok ok...it was probably more like my sixth time. And pretty much my having a business meeting there was the only reason, because:

They may claim to be non-coffee-drinker-friendly, but I don't believe it...I'm telling you, you walk in there, you don't drink coffee, you feel like the outcast. Sure, they may have a mini section of their menu appropriated for non-coffee drinks (in the same box as the kid drinks...so don't go there if you already have a complex about being young), and they do actually make them, but still. I normally get the cider or the hot chocolate because I at least know what those are (and know they are kindly coffee-free), but I decided to expand my horizons...but be careful! I mean, the barista who took my order was visibly uncomfortable when I ventured to ask about the difference between the "Zen" green tea and...whatever the other kinds were. I'm sorry I don't have the menu memorized! I'm sorry I threw a kink in your routine! I'm sorry I don't belong here but I'm here anyway!

I don't mind that Starbucks is a definitive social phenomenon, that some people have compared it to a religion (though I personally prefer "cult"), that articles and books have been written about it...it's weird, but it's here. It's capitalism. It's coffee. People like coffee. They like choices. They like atmosphere.

And I do love the caramel apple cider...and Starbucks is cool, it's all good. No haterade here yo, only Zen green tea and hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. But you still freak me out, Bucky. And I'm not just talking about the Get Fuzzy feline. And if you know who that is, I will buy you whatever specialty drink you wish.....if it's at Caribou.

Unresolved

So coming to grips with brokenness is a heartrending experience. Naturally.

And it's supposed to be, right? Sometimes the thought creeps into my head, "when will it quit?"--that brutal, continual realization that so many people are shrouded in such a thick and empty darkness (and tragically, may not even realize it). But then I have to concede that for those of us who have been relieved of that darkness, God will not have us forget his children who yet live in it.

It's pretty humbling how every time I get to thinking my life problems are totally unfair, or painful, or maybe even crippling, I end up being reminded of the gift of grace I've been blessed with...because I'll see someone who is without it. Every workday I see people who are either dying from AIDS or will be one day if things don't change...but nearly everyone I see, sick or not, is dying in a much more profound way. But most of them don't even know it.

And I hear things -- I read things -- that all point to how there's so much more suffering in the world than peace. I'll hear about another bombing in the M.E.; I'll find out about a friend who was hurt by someone they love; I'll read about the new suicide rates. (I just read To Write Love On Her Arms, if you're wondering what specifically triggered this post...)

Thank God I can take peace from the obvious-yet-elusive reminder my dad gave me a few weeks ago as I was trying not to sob on his shoulder: we, as humans, are not ultimately responsible for the choices other people make. God only holds us responsible for our own actions (which normally is intimidating, but in this case, is a relief).

But I do still get angry -- angry because it's not fair, angry because people are telling them lies, angry they are telling each other lies, angry at myself because I don't quite know how to tell them the Truth. And I get frustrated, because I feel like my life is now made up of a web of lines (both man's and God's) that shouldn't be crossed, and I get frustrated because when I leave at the end of the day I just want to forget, because forgetting means I won't have to be on edge for a few hours. And I do sometimes. I think God understands. He knows it hurts to see it...to be confronted with so many kinds of death that you start to get innoculated against it. But of course, that's yet another fine line.

I count it as a great blessing that all this makes my appreciation for what I have in Christ much more exquisitely felt. "Gratitude" is such an inadequate word for my response to God--involuntary, bewildered joy might be more accurate. But beautiful as that joy is, it's still tainted, I'm afraid, while I know that there are so many who do not share in it.

I'm not being self-righteous, by the way. I'm just being honest. I just had to get this off my chest. Although, I suppose I'm of the opinion that more people should have it weighing on theirs..

I haven't found the balance yet.

OHHH my goodness oh my goodness,

I was talking to a coworker about living abroad to bolster language skills and she told me I should look into being an au pair in Spain.....I am wondering why I never thought of doing that before...because I just did some research and it sounds like the most AMAZING opportunity everrrr and now i am slightly freaking out here

free room and board, job taken care of, living in Spain, immersed in the language, weekend travel opportunities galore, um.......................i don't know what to do

this would be the answer for so much of what i've been thinking about.

but that means, come May, another decision has to be made. my now-boss is already dropping hints about permanent hiring opportunities, my old internship boss still wants me back full time, and oh man

i'm trippin

-lunch break-

I thought I'd post a translation of one of my favorite songs ever, "Todo Cambia," by the great Peruvian folk singer Mercedes Sosa...since i think everyone should hear it, except that it's in a language most of my friends don't understand, so:

Cambia lo superficial (the superficial changes)
cambia también lo profundo (as does the profound)
cambia el modo de pensar (our way of thinking changes)
cambia todo en este mundo (as does everything in this world)

Cambia el clima con los años (the climate changes over the years)
cambia el pastor su rebaño (the shepherd changes his flock)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia el mas fino brillante (don't quite get this and the next line...)
de mano en mano su brillo
cambia el nido el pajarillo (the bird changes his nest)
cambia el sentir un amante (a lover changes his feelings)

Cambia el rumbo el caminante (the wanderer changes his course)
aunque esto le cause daño (although this may cause him harm)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia (...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia

Cambia el sol en su carrera (the sun changes in its path)
cuando la noche subsiste (as the night continues on)
cambia la planta y se viste (the plant changes and colors itself)
de verde en la primavera (with the green of Spring)

Cambia el pelaje la fiera (the wild animal changes its coat)
Cambia el cabello el anciano (the old man changes his hair)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change)
por mas lejos que me encuentre (no matter how far away you may find me)
ni el recuerdo ni el dolor (neither do the memory nor the pain change)
de mi pueblo y de mi gente (of my town and of my people)

Lo que cambió ayer (that which changed yesterday)
tendrá que cambiar mañana (will have to change tomorrow)
así como cambio yo (just as I change)
en esta tierra lejana (in this faraway land)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia (...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia

Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change...)

I HATE SPIDERS SO MUCH

they make me turn into a little girl
the little girl of my childhood who was escared of espiders
the little girl who grew into an older girl who was not so scared of spiders

until [insert shudder]

she moved into this wacky apartment
where the spiders apparently have a lovefest every night
because they are everywhere
EVERYWHERE

and her phobia came back with a vengeance.

i wonder what would happen

if i just told the world EVERYthing I really thought and felt instead of keeping it a secret only me and my best friends know (or just me). What if we ALL did that? It could be pretty terrifying, and I'll wager that a lot of people would fight more but people might believe in Christ more and no I did not mean to pseudorhyme there, and some friendships would be finished but others would be stronger, and I would probably be more scared and pained but a lot more aware of people's daily sense of loss when they don't have Christ, and I would probably feel more passion and less fakeness. How's THAT for a run-on.

I've started writing in a real, non-blogspot journal (gasp), which, ironically, I've never really had the need to do before. I've had a poem-book, so to speak, but these days I have so many thoughts, personal ones, that I have to write down everything so I don't forget it. This is the first time I've started straight-up journaling for real out of need, rather than because I just like to write. (I.e., written equivalent of people who like to hear themselves talk.) My poems were always my personal catharsis, but now not even that's enough.

I miss writing poetry, though...I just wrote a poem, because I was typing an away message and accidentally ended up typing a poem instead. That happens a lot...probably b/c I'm a sap. Or maybe I just like to shove my complaints out in public without realllly saying anything. I'm going to go with the latter.

This was another fairly non-sensical post, brought to you by a heavy lack of sleep due to yesterday's late-night salsa dancing. To quote Alli Ack, ay mami.

Love thy neighbor? and other thoughts..

It's an interesting, delicate line.

Upon first reading this, my heart is saddened by the image the "preacher protestors" are portraying of Christianity. And truly, I am saddened by how gays are marginalized and isolated by society -- but especially by Christians -- as a people group to be ridiculed and looked down upon as "less than us." (For the record, this was my belief long before I started working with the AAS-C). If you believe like I do that the Scripture says homosexuality is wrong, I still don't think that means queers are any worse than the rest of us. I've have several conversations lately in which it was wondered why homosexuality has been elevated to the position of the ultimate socially unacceptable sin -- can you think of something else as controversial? That's a simplistic statement I know, but that's a whole other conversation, really.

But it's just hard for me to agree that they should be treated differently (and definitely not worse) than straight people. Which is why I really wrestle with the ban on same-sex marriages, although I suspect that comes more from my long-standing support of separation of church and state than anything else. (And that is certainly another conversation, as well.)

One interviewee from the article said, "The Bible says to love your neighbor as thyself. It doesn't tell you who to love and not to love." If he was talking in reference to the the anti-gay protesters who definitely were not showing love to Pride attendees, he got it about half right-- as far as I know, the Bible does tell you who to love: everyone, including your enemies, regardless of who you perceive that to be. I just think it's a little sad that "the gay" was the one who got that, but not the Christians.

* * *

Getting back to my original opening line, though, I have to think about how all that is different from me attending an abortion protest, which is something I would certainly do. Maybe it's hypocritical of me to be much more passionate about that and to be willing to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic to protest. I don't know. I do know that there is something of a more personal nature with homosexuality protests, as in, typically speaking, they protest people in general (i.e. the "God hates faggots" idiots). Whereas abortion protests are promoting life, period.

Scratch what I just said...I would not be interested in a Planned Parenthood protest, actually. I would go to a prayer rally, yes, particularly on legislative grounds. God responds to prayer; that's a hard and fast fact. Planned Parenthood is not likely to respond to protests with anything other than disdain, and that gets you nowhere.