Saturday, December 30, 2006

So the two adopted Apex twins who had been kidnapped by their birth mother were found in Canada yesterday.

I had no idea that there were such strong anti-adoption sentiments out there. For several years I've had the idea that one day when I have a family, I would like to be a home and family to a child who needs it, so it's strange to see that there are those who believe there are no children who do need such a thing.

The reason I want to adopt is because of one of my best friends who (because of adoption) found herself taken out of a household of abuse and brought into an amazingly loving family. How can these people honestly say that adoption should be abolished, that she should have been left with drug-addicted, abusive parents? That's absolutely insane. She would tell you differently, because she was five when she was adopted, and she remembers what it was like before.

I don't pretend that the adoption process is entirely neat and fair; there's plenty of reform that can/should be done. But there's no way that means the system should be abolished entirely. Too many kids need it, and the adults who are selfish enough to say their rights are being trampled on should try considering those children for once.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

he decidido

I have decided (a word to be interpreted loosely and accorded little weight, most likely) that thenceforth, whenever I feel the need to throw my thoughts out on this blog, I will invest that feeling into more worthwhile written and artistic pursuits instead. We'll see what that actually looks like, or if it even works. Here goes...

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmastiiiiime is heerrrre

So, I just realized that one thing I probably should never do is live alone. Maybe that's because I'm thinking about how tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I have been working in my apartment all day with no human contact 'cept for one ring from me mum, but the telly is just not very good comp'ny and the loneliness is making me jus' a lit'le bit mad. (Aren't you proud, Michelle? This means there's hope for me yet.)

At least I have been ridiculously productive today. Plus I watched Mary Poppins for the first time since I was a kid and realized it's one of the cleverest and sweetest movies I've ever seen. Quite wonderful, actually.

Anyway,

feliz navidad :)

Friday, December 22, 2006

i would just like to say,

gooooooo, and of course,
Thank you; I am done cracking myself up now..
[i guess this is what happens when there are only 3 people in your whole building who have not yet left for the holidays, and you are one of them.]

Thursday, December 21, 2006

hey lookit :)

relevantmagazine.com just posted another article of mine; you should read it :) (not just because i wrote it but because it's important!)

A couple things surprised me...they took over a month to publish the other article I did, and they put this one up barely 24 hours after I had submitted it...a surprise that made me really hyper last night, haha

The other thing was how much they edited it, at least compared to my last one (the last one being too poetic in form to be edit-able, I suppose). But I always wondered what they meant when they said ''all articles will be edited for...tone." And now I wonder no longer, because they definitely changed the tone of mine. Not surprisingly, I guess, because the way I wrote it was a little more fiesty and heated, you might say, and they made it more reader-friendly. It's kind of weird because when I was reading it on the site, it felt like they took some of my voice out and put in bits of someone else's, plus one change they made did kind of annoy me, but I guess you can't be too picky. I'm just glad they let me put it out there.

plus, it makes me want to do this more :)...who knows, maybe if i get good, i'll actually make some money 10 or 15 years down the road :P

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

perspective

one of my clients just happily said in passing,

"Anytime you wake up in the morning and you can walk, it's a good morning."

in spite of many things, i really am glad i'm working here right now.



in the spirit of said gladness + holiday time i thought of making a list of things i'm glad about but really at the moment i'm more interested in making a resolution list because i'm in the mood for a good laugh so here goes:

Melinda's 2007 Resolutions (author reserves the right to amend)

1. actually take care of my car
2. utilize my gym more than once a month
3. stop being crazy
4. improve my work ethic, at least at work
5. find work?
6. stop freaking out every time someone gets engaged/married
7. find a way to live in Spain without actually leaving the States
8. write articles for publications that actually pay
9. find a way to take dance lessons again
10. really learn to trust in/lean on/listen to the Lord
11. get a loop station and become the next Zoe Keating
12. be a much better friend
13. learn the constellations
14. go to Raven Rock at least once
15. own and appreciate the fact that i'm an emotional person
16. visit my aunt in New York for Thanksgiving
17. play outside a whole lot more
18. learn my cello craft more thoroughly
19. build and learn to play the hammer dulcimer
20. visit Portland
21. stop pretending I don't care about having "someone special"
22. save $
23. finally decide on a tattoo design
24. learn how to be truly honest
25. finish a song i'm proud of
26. volunteer more
27. quit doing brainless things like absent-mindedly poking my thumb into a blade to prove it's dull
28. paint
29. live somewhere that is not in the middle of nowhere
30. stop thinking of myself as a child instead of a woman
31. get "Christmas Shoes" banned from the radio
32. acquire the art of tact
33. go on a road trip to somewhere that is not the beach
34. write more letters
35. visit the mountains
36. finally fix up my bike and see about changing "that one great bike ride memory from 10 years ago" to something a bit more current
37. steadily decrease my need for chocolate, cereal, facebook and desserts and computers in general
38. stop buying more home decor than actually fits in my space
39. figure out what my book's about
40. trip it to DC to see my lovely :)
41. learn how to get the most out of my camera
42. somehow finally stage that late afternoon field+cello photo shoot i've seen in my brain for 2 years


yeah, ima do all of it

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

traitors!

how come,
you can write things out
to try to make them go away
but your words just stare back and laugh
because they know that things will stay
very much the same because you'll never
really
be able to empty yourself onto paper
because it's not a sponge, only a mirror
yes you'll always be so full of something,
of thisthing or thatthing,
or of something else,
that you can barely take it
and with the mirror words laughing,
you get mad and throw down your pen
'cause you don't even want to write anymore
and you won't,
at least not until you can barely take it, again

Glory

My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. prov. 4:20-22

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. isaiah 40:11

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. rom. 8:1-2

Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning...You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" psalm 30:4-5, 11-12

1 Honor the Lord, you heavenly beings;
honor the Lord for his glory and strength.
2 Honor the Lord for the glory of his name.
Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.
3 The voice of the Lord echoes above the sea.
The God of glory thunders.
The Lord thunders over the mighty sea.
4 The voice of the Lord is powerful;
the voice of the Lord is majestic.
5 The voice of the Lord splits the mighty cedars;
the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon.
6 He makes Lebanon’s mountains skip like a calf;
he makes Mount Hermon leap like a young wild ox.
7 The voice of the Lord strikes
with bolts of lightning.
8 The voice of the Lord makes the barren wilderness quake;
the Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.
9 The voice of the Lord twists mighty oaks
and strips the forests bare.
In his Temple everyone shouts, “Glory!”
10 The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
11 The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace.
psalm 29

Monday, December 18, 2006

stuck in a moment

i am quite stuck, don't know what to do right now except bite my nails, even though I don't, and type. I just found out my uncle passed away about an hour ago, which was sooner than expected, but expected all the same...I guess we had that, at least.

What was not expected, and what just hit me like a ton of bricks barely 10 minutes ago, was the news that the daughter of a dear friend, and a friend herself, just lost the baby she was carrying...of all days, on today, her birthday.

i can't really fathom this..

please pray for her family, for her husband, for her. her name is Jessie.

boooo

Not that I had my hopes up...




But as for happier news, apparently Miss Norah Jones is coming out with a new album -- don't know how I missed that, but who cares! I'll take more Norah whenever I can get it. :) Which, now that I look, isn't for over another month...dang it.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

i am: queen of random

  • I just went through pictures from this semester and I've concluded that my hair grows way too fast; if I hadn't promised dad i wouldn't, i would chop it all off. not really though.


  • So very wonderful


  • Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer to a question I can't ask?


  • oh, HELLO BIRTHDAY PRESENT!


  • Is it really bad to skip out on a christmas party you said you would attend? Because that's what I'm going to do today...3 parties in one weekend is too much for the social recluse in me


  • I think this could be another strange Christmas


  • I really wish I could look at all the pretty christmas lights from the passenger seat instead of whipping my head back and forth while i drive....what a tease.


  • I really wish I were a nightclub singer so I could have an excuse to do a Christmas show and sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" a la Judy Garland. beautiful.


And a handful of random pictures for your ocular pleasure:

happy birthday dillweed :)



One Less Dave reunion

me, Dirty Frank and El Amigo the Awesome White Elephant Gift

I am thankful for: Guardian Angel Thrift :)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

i am so tired

what am i going to do??

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"beware of the diamond dogs..."

I've held the position for years that diamonds are not this girl's best friend--but this reinforces it even more...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

amor familiar

I just sent some of this to the church list and figured i'd put it on here too...My great-uncle, who has been very sick for several months due to an accident, has recently been taken off of life support and moved to hospice care. I'd love your prayers for peace for my family as we respond to this, and especially that the Lord would bring strength and comfort to his sisters, my grandmother and my great-aunt.

My great aunt's husband passed away only a couple months ago, so this might be pretty hard on them...the first time I've ever seen my grandmother even look like she was going to cry was at this past Thanksgiving when she was hugging her sister right after the blessing...They're putting brave faces forward, though. They're so strong; it's pretty incredible. I love my family so much. I may think my own family is crazy and screwed-up sometimes, but...I really do thank God he put me with the kinsfolk that he did. :)


I guess I'm getting to that age, you know....It's very strange.

I've yet to loose a family member to whom I was very close, and it might be five, 10 years before that happens...who knows. It's just a strange thing to think about.

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not more sad. I guess it's just different...I come from a family of believers, and so it's like there's a built-in peace for times like these...not that it's not difficult for some...but there is just sure comfort to be found in the Lord when those you've lost are with Him.

which is all ironic, though, because in spite of everything I just said (and believe), my "greatest fear in life" is to lose my mom or my dad or my brother. especially my brother. Is that weird?--not that I love my parents any less than Justin but...i guess he's just not "supposed" to go before them. It's all just strange to me i guess, my approach to death, i mean...Death is not at all something of which I am personally afraid, but when it comes to my family...like when i was younger, that's what my nightmares were about. I'm afraid it would break me. But i really don't know why I ever think about that at all (and i really don't, honestly); there's no reason to. Because, O Death, where is thy sting?

ok ok this is a really weird post, sorry about that, i guess i just...i think about weird things sometimes. author's privilege.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

i KNEW this would happen

iTunes is the devil.

Until about a month ago, I had refrained from putting ye olde credit card through the iTunes machine for fear that once I started, I would not have the strength to stop.

As it was foretold, so it has happened.

noipuedocan'tdejarstopdeitlo!!!!


Friday, December 08, 2006

to continue the conversation,

or monologue, rather, since i'm probably talking to myself, here...

  • Today my friend Claire, a Jesuit Volunteer Corps intern I work with, threw out the idea of a road trip after our terms at the Alliance are over...She's thinking of staying in the Triangle, and so would fly to Colorado to get her car and then road trip it back to Raleigh...maybe I could convince her to do a layover in Portland first, while we're over on that half of the country? I've always wanted to go to Portland and Colorado. always being the past two years or so.
  • I think my mouth started watering when she mentioned this. I've always thought trekking through the States would be a-m-a-z-i-n-g. (always being, this time, at least several years)
  • Her term lasts 2 months more than mine = would have to find a two-month source of income that could float me during that interim and hopefully provide disposable income for the Most Awesome (and Only) Cross Country Trip of my Life
  • Then maybe in the fall I would move to Spain for 6 months. or find another interesting internship. how come internships and co-ops are only for students, though? What's up with that? A college degree doesn't mean you're ready to settle...or know how to..
  • I'm pretty sure my parents would not be very eager for any of this to happen. I'm sure my whole family will start thinking, "just how long can Melinda make it without getting a Real Job?"
  • I don't know; shall I find out?! Who's with me?

free Christmas fun!!!

I have an extra ticket for Carolina Ballet's (with the NC Symphony) The Nutcracker on Friday, Dec. 22 @ Memorial Auditorium in Raleigh. I've seen it several times and it's great; who wants to come? (Or maybe I should say, who will actually be here and wants to come?)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Sew, I never saw Click, although I'm sure it was a masterpiece. Maybe if I had watched it, I would find out that no, it really isn't a good idea to be able to do whatever you want with your lifetimeline. (I'm just assuming that's the pithy message that viewers were left with at the end.)

But I still want that remote!!!

Just kidding. I would simply like to be able to skip through the boring parts of life. Like the days when you wake up sick and have to ditch work early and do nothing all day but sleep and watch tv and bake in the kitchen by yourself b/c everyone's gone. Boring.

I think it's days like these that make a body want to move to another country. Everyone keeps telling me I should just go to Spain. Now's the best time! Go while you're young! And yes, something interesting happening in my life would be good, so I can stop living vicariously through my friends. :P [You people flying to New York and LA on business...traveling the world whilst singing on posh cruise lines...living it up adult-style with the married life...touring the country with your band...I mean, sheesh. ;)]

But, I just don't know about that. Going to try to avoid thinking about it for at least a couple months more. I've got time.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

morning thoughts

some random excerpts :)

  • Ironically my "devotional reading," as they say, was about being consistently in the Word, basically...A piece of what i read in Daily Light (which might sound cheesy, but has actually been quite amazing to me) was Isaiah 26:8-9, and that's just it, "we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you." 'Tis true...But also, as a note said, "only through God's power can we fight the resistance of our flesh to Him"...dang it, dang it. The word "devotions" is at once misleading and humbling, since I am devoted only in principle and not in practice. I stupidly seem to not avail myself of that power often enough. Probably why one of my favorite hymns is

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their pow'r when Thou art nigh
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

  • I saw a Scholastic Book Fair truck on my way to work = nostalgia = feeling "old." Then remembering last night's convo w/ the RM (roommate or rebecca michelle, take your pick, i just now realized that, hah) of how weird it is that "all" our friends are married (not really, technically) and how we feel like goofy little kids...=feeling old and juvenile. Because that makes a lot of sense.
  • Btw, amen, rm, for the latest post! I love that we have the same life themes :)

And lastly and completely randomly because that's my style, I hope this baby makes your...[well, maybe not day, but] hour, as much as it did mine! (And if it makes your day, then so much the better)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

[i love puzzles]

my reason, my logic and I
are trying to put in a corner but
won't sit still won't stop
tripping through the landscape
of my imaginings
'cause I'm thinking i know,
i danced with once upon a dream
but in truth, i don't even know
that are real at all
i'm thinking i should stop
so why exactly am i trying so hard
to have strong eyes that don't falter downward
when they see around?
...and it seems all wrong like this,
does it not?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Oh Hello Again (or, We're Pretty Sure Melinda's Losing It)

i am going for a record number of posts in one week (goal 50; i'm getting there) mainly because, well actually there's no good reason, there's actually a myriad of good reasons to not do this, but can i just say that every once in a while i start to question the soundness of my own brain, and today is one of those times, because i am about to burst open with a whole bunch of i-don't-know-what's, like how being in this office is the last place i want to be right now and i really just want to go find a town square and dance in it and look at all the christmas directions i mean decorations (see, crazy), and how i really have no one in my corner here at my job and this makes me lonely and want to run out, run away, anywhere, and how odd and how something that i could be married right now if i were a different person, and how i'm so hungry but i can't take my lunch yet, and how i really hope i can take next Monday off to clean my apartment and cook and write pretty music, and how i hope this christmas is not like last christmas, and how i wish that we could really tell everyone what we really mean to say, and how i can't believe that someone had the audacity to 1) turn an e-mail forward into the "song" Christmas Shoes and 2) play it on the radio right now, and how I'm still grasping for what God wants me to do but i actually wish someone would just tell me, and how i really want to take a sprint right about now, and

michelle, yes, we probably ought to go see counselors :P

enough of this mess for now

uh, come again?..

In Bible study this week, one of our many, many many tangents centered on antinomes in the Bible -- something that has admittedly been a point of [albeit somewhat minor] consternation for me over the years. And it was interesting for me to hear Donnie (Lane...you know, the Enemy of Ouch) and Brad (our pastor) say that yes, antinomes (seeming contradictions) do appear in the Bible, and that it's fine. It was interesting because I'm so used to hearing people either 1) use them to invalidate the Bible, or 2) deny they exist in any form or fashion. Neither option of which has ever sat well with me.

But Donnie gave an interesting analogy...one that I've essentially heard before, but somehow seemed more applicable this time: A massive, edifice-sized block of steel is held aloft from the ground by steel poles. There is a man standing on top, and a man standing beneath. The man on top claims that the block is sheer, pure white. The man beneath, looking up, says that no, it's pitch black.

I'm sure you get the point (they're both right, based on their perceptions/perspectives).

Part of me still wants to resist believing that God would be okay with different people seeing different angles, believing different things...but who am I to suggest I can ever understand the mind of God? Who can really know his intentions? He's the only one who can ever see the whole picture. I'm sure he knew/knows the Bible would/will confuse the mess out of people, so it would only make sense that that is a part of the plan that we just can't comprehend. Right? I don't know. Obviously I don't get it; never truly will; I'm mainly ok with that (yes, my intellect and logic put up a fight once in a while, but that's when I have to say, "Hello, faith.")

Then there's 1 Corinthians 2:6-16...don't know where that fits in. gahhhh.

What do YOU think?





And now for something completely different: i dare you to have a conversation using only these

Monday, November 27, 2006

it's not plagiarism when you give credit ;)

As I told Jeff, I completely and shamelessly ripped this off of his blog because...i was going to write it (one day?..) but he graciously and unwittingly saved me the trouble :P...well done, Jeff.




Why Are Single People Single (or How To Find Your Soul Mate)

We're all neurotic, we've all got idiosyncracies. But it all comes down to one thing...

In order to find that lifelong relationship, we need to find one person who's willing to stick life out WITH us. And we need to stick it out with them.

Life is hard on relationships. It throws alot of curveballs, and is relentless. But if you are willing to commit to a person, if you are willing to be with that person through thick and thin, then you are on the right track. That's the answer to finding that soul mate.

It's that simple.

I hate this idea that's splashed around on Sex and The City, Friends, Laguna Beach, or whatever your favorite show is. It's the idea that we are all looking for that perfect person. And I wonder if that idea is the reason there are so many older singles. The ideal of that "perfect person" is ridiculous. Perfect people don't exist. As I said earlier, we all carry around our set of hurts and idiosyncracies. We are all damaged goods. We are all hopelessly lost and wandering.

But there is magic in that commitment to another human being. In that commitment, there is unconditional love that says "you are not perfect and I'm not perfect but we're committed to each other with knowledge of our imperfections."

So find that person you're willing to make that kind of commitment to. Commit to them. You'll find your soul mate.

boo/yay

i am sick, and i don't know how to fix it
and this is going to be the longest week ever, for way too many reasons
and some people just kill me
and i love my roommate so much and am glad we're about 75% the same person, and 25% complete opposites -- perfect :)
and i love the hat she just gave me for early xmas :)
and i feel way too young to have friends who are married
and i haven't been able to sleep well lately and it's annoying
but we're going xmas decor shopping on saturday and that's just great :)
and this Thurs, if anyone wants to go w/ me to the World AIDS Day Interfaith Worship Service, holla
and i think if everyone in the world would just admit that boys are dumb and girls are crazy, it would be a better place
and a new Christmas is coming, and I'm excited...hooray for something to get me through this next month :)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

wow..

Yep, two in one day.

I didn't mean to, but I just ended up reading a bunch of old posts back from the inception of this little bloggy a year and some months ago, and, I have to tell you, it was more than a little unsettling.

Not because I was a complete dork and an immature child, which was what I experienced when I read a bunch of old xangas from freshman year five or six months ago. No, it was unsettling because I'm pretty sure I was smarter a year ago than I am now. And more honest. At least, that's how those posts sound.

This one really caught me off guard, because I could have written it today, except that I had forgotten it. I'm glad to have read it again:

------------------------------------------------------------------
"do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?

do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?

do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?

do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?

do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?



Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)

In the meantime...

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee."
------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm glad to have read it again, but it disturbs me a little that i had not really articulated it like that to myself recently. Thanks, past-self. Too bad i feel like you're smarter than me now.

"If my life was cinematic / with a soundtrack so dramatic..."

Sometimes I think the coolest job I could have would be to be that person who picks out the music for movies (and some t.v. shows, the good ones)...although I kinda doubt that's an actual job. But i don't think i'd actually be very successful with it, because my approach would be all backwards. I wouldn't be able to read a scene and know the perfect song -- i hear a song and know the perfect scene that could be built around it. and I just doubt any producer would let someone build a non-musical, regular movie around pre-selected music because...that would be too creative, but anyway....

I've realized I really think of nearly all music as part of a soundtrack. I "see" a scene when a song moves me (which is often), and usually the scenes are from my life, either the past or something i see in the future, because the songs that move me most are the ones that somehow speak in some familiar language directly to my heart. Even ones without words. Have you ever had tears come to your eyes just at the beauty of a song without words? If you haven't, you're not listening carefully.

I really do often think of my life as a movie, as silly as that may sound to some people, and there are dozens of songs i've found that are perfectly fitted to different parts of it. literally. as in, i could play you the Soundtrack of My Life if i wanted...it's right there in my iTunes. :) And one thing that is so striking to me about that songlist is that at least half of them are entirely tension-ridden....I've always been moth-to-a-flame attracted to tension in music, to "unresolvedness," to minor keys, to both passionate outbursts and consciously restrained chords...

I've always thought I was so strange because of that...But I think it really does make sense, at least in mi mente. Life to me seems like one long thread of tension, good and bad. There will always be something that is going to happen; even if nothing is happening, that means something. Resolution in this life is an impossibility, I believe, and people who are looking for that and expect to find it will not only be disappointed, but will miss out on a lot. A lot. As Matt Slocum wrote, "tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord"...

Maybe that's the optimist in me (sidenote: i've recently declared myself a cynic to some people, but let me just say that it's possible to be both a cynic and an optimist...but don't ask how, i don't know), that and my own experiences which have affirmed the truth of that lyric..




Sorry to get so esoteric and abstruse on you dear readers; that's what happens when i listen to Zoe Keating. who will burn your heart out and take your breath away, by the way. at least, if you're me..

Friday, November 24, 2006



PLEASE, please, water your trees!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

OH GOD I HAVE TO DO THIS DON'T I

...wish i knew exactly what "this" is...

But it has to do with Spanish. I just know it. I got to speak with a client today for about 45 seconds in Spanish, and those 45 seconds were the happiest spent here at my job in probably a couple months. We probably would have (and should have) talked a lot longer if my brain hadn't been in a surprise-induced frenzy and unable to come up with any coherent sentences.

It almost made me cry I was so excited...but now I feel kind of sick...I don't know what I'm doing. Oh dear God seriously, please show me what this means....

......

....

..

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

romans 7:15ff, reinterpreted

80ofu90i spend my life3jslfjsal34fjseljfshhu238sdd
sdfassdf8j4l5r908fjxl403508w5809e085l
90sd3oru3890dflas one big confused messfywojdljfssldk
2sj,xyvnlu&3jiosdcutsoiujd.sw.sjsdkjhcljow39
hgh3and i never get what i do deserve,sldjrwo83djckcke
asulserujfsl283776fn,g084nf908tfksdjalsukd
jkdjfls76ij,cthank God,sdfsfsdjktywethogri493kd4yy
sfldjfljf90jsldfjskajs90j23unbdf79483j5kldf7458
rsthough who the hell knows whywklcpeiwxz7fdsasf5
sldkfjklsjf3289rjtyh;asdgh73lskdflsdahslfc82ehsa
skfa'cause i seldom seem to do the right thingsfrwfds
sdfjskljfoilskdugn2387rhgdf9745unskx842389hs9fs
dlskhfsdkfand-every night-i ought to go to bed amazedasd
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sdlibecause i know that for some strange reasonsdlfjoa
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d3ad you will graciously deign to trifle with mesdksdfsl6
lskjdfwoj2903u59uthg5yhye9gher87t3480u5j230sd8r
fjsliwewemw-every tomorrow-;rth6gdgsdfdasdfdsa
s0e4u290utowerujflsjaopf9375osehgnvnvoyaposj[w.z
fgjsf546djr9wej9yhj,jhYou're too good.jsdklt9asu9d
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Sunday, November 19, 2006

[i spend a lot of time in my car...]

there's a poem in the trees
and on the road
and on my tongue
speaking volumes
to maybe no one but myself

there's a word inside my mind
that can't escape
as i can't name it
so it waits
for the right time to be found

and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog

there's a poem in the trees
and i can see it
moving through the leaves
i want to run through
but instead i drive ahead
driving toward the sun
that's burning through the fog

and i go on
and on
wondering what is wrong
or if there's nothing
nothing really wrong after all

and i go on
and on
thinking, thinking thoughts
along the road
driving through the fog

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Me hacen falta...

I miss...

~the cold weather
~my brother...his hugs and our conversations
~going to the gym
~Costa Rica
~salsa dancing
~being entirely comfortable, though not sure I ever really had that
~throwing the ball around and watching scifi with my dad
~working backstage at the ballet
~cuddling with my sweet boy danny dog
~going to the movies
~playing in an orchestra
~real intimacy with the Father
~snow
~speaking Spanish
~the mountains
~traveling
~working at TWR
~dance classes
~being out in pure nature
~family ski trips to Utah


yup.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Somethin' brought you to my mind today..."

Now this post is dedicated to my roommate and best friend Rebecca Michelle "Wolfdawg Dillweed" Efird.

Yesterday as I was working with some of our volunteers, we were answering some questions that had a kind of T-day flavor, and mine was something to the effect of "what's something you tend to take for granted, beyond the typical 'food and shelter' answers?"

And Mich was definitely my answer. Not only am I blessed that I have a roommate who is not crazy (in a bad way :P) or annoying or irresponsible or unfriendly, but I am so blessed that she IS my encourager and sounding board and my soul sister, and so many things in between. I love that when I talk to her, I feel like I'm talking to myself b/c she understands me so well -- probably because we basically have the same brain. I love that we have different personalities and different experiences and we still blend so well. I love that she keeps me from being a social recluse. ;) I love that I trust her, and I love that we pray together and read la Biblia together...I love HER. :)

This post of appreciation was brought on by a week of me being out-of-town, our longest separation since becoming roommates (yes I'm going through withdrawal). I realized yesterday that I am completely affirmed in my decision to move "far away" from work just to be able to room w/ my Chelle, since in this week of estrés and "hardship" (which i say thus quoted b/c i know that honestly, i have it pretty good and i should know better...i mean, i wrote the article...but i'm still human), I've barely been able to make it, and that's only one week. Never coulda done these 10 months alone.


"And you'll never know what it means to me..."

"...just to know you've been on your knees for me..."

"Oh, you have blessed my life...more than you'll ever know."

Monday, November 13, 2006

thank you for [being here still].. :)

Well, there are a number of things I had intended to say, but the fact of the matter is that ol' blogspot cannot replace my poor lost journal, which I hope will be recovered very soon. And then it occured to me that instead, I would simply like to dedicate this post to my beloved Tara Shannon Krishna Prasad, and thank her for always continuing to be a beautifully patient and listening ear and an encouragement to me even from states away. God bless you for putting up with my ups and downs, my dear, and I miss you terribly. :)

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

catharsis

So I just had my quarterly review for my work program, and the only words I can think of that describe the feelings I'm left with are "confused" and "frustrated"...

I finally have reached the point where I have to own that there is something very amiss with what I am doing, and I can't seem to define what that is. I'm not happy with what I'm doing at work/in life (it's all connected, I can't help it, no matter how hard I try to separate the two), and I'm struggling to figure out why.

Is it because I'm bored? Is it because I know I'm not doing a good job, because I'm bored? It could be because I'm definitely not a social worker at heart. It could be because I can't seem to connect with my clients, or it could be because I don't understand why I'm resisting connecting with them to start with. It could be because I'm not using my degree at all (which wouldn't bother me so much except that I love my degree). It could be because I've been here over two months and I still can't see why God led me here, either to this program or to this specific placement. It could be because I hate that when people ask what I do, I have to fake it if I want to show any enthusiasm. It could be because everyone talks about their program providing "safe spaces," and yet, my work/program are the two places in my life in which I don't feel safe. It could be because I feel like I'm being discouraged to pursue what I'm passionate about because that is what is "comfortable" to me. It could be because I want to shut it all down once I leave the office at the end of the day, but I feel like I'm not really supposed to do that. It could be because I feel uncomfortable all the time, which they say is good, but I don't want to agree. It could be because I don't feel free to share/explain any of these things to my supervisors. It could be because I'm accustomed to all my "personal growth experiences" being relegated to outside the realm of work, but now it's almost all work-related. It could be because I feel like sometimes all my emotional energy is spent on my job and I don't have enough left to work through my own personal situations. It could be because I feel like I'm on my own in all this, that no one in my outside-of-work support system relates to what I'm going through.

So it's all those things and more...

And what is most discouraging, right now, is that I'm physically tense, all I want to do is cry, and all I can think about is how I want this experience to be over with. Everything I've just written about is, simply put, wearing me more than I have the capacity to appreciate right now.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I was trying to see if i could go more than 3 days without posting, but I lost. I would like to share something I read last night in Isaiah ch. 35 that made me laugh, but was very encouraging all the same. I imagine it really depends on what translation you read, plus there's the alternate interpretation that many translations include, but I saw it first in the NKJV --

"Whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray."

Pretty much the best thing I could have read, since sometimes I feel like I live in a perpetual state of foolishness.

The whole chapter is pretty...something, for lack of an adequate word. Go for it.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Graduation - now: half year in review

the future RM and me revelling in post-grad glee


dinner after Tricia's wedding
Reid & Lauren's rehearsal dinner....my weird smile = trying to keep cake from falling out of my mouth as i laugh



in Wisc.; rehearsal dinner for my pen pal and good friend since 4th grade, Anna Holverson-now-Ritschard :)

Celebrating the 4th in Matthews, NC



Excited about the new apt, mhm

The week we discovered how much we love Cafe Decor and More (as you can see, we were quite happy)




singing the nat'l anthem for my first real homecoming
MUTEMAAAATH show No. 4


at our adopted parents' big bash :)

Working hard at Heatherick's dress rehearsal



reunited with my shannon...thank God for wedding reunions :)


The flowers Heather literally threw at my face, and you know what THAT means...i'm sorry to to the other ladies, 'cause the rest of you are gonna be waiting a lonnng time now apparently


We entertained ourselves while waiting for the very spooky Haunted Trail by making scary faces. I left my eyes red in the picture in an attempt to make it scarier....hm.

i like to confuse the rhyme-schemers

...apparently.


ridiculous
there's no restraint
it's been too long
too little change
can't concentrate
don't think about
don't wonder more
can do without

fill emptiness
no flightiness
curb sadness and
the pessimist

the written word
a helping hand
do what you know
do what you can

don't look too hard
don't search too far
it hurts the eyes
can hurt the heart

impersonal
strike out the name
protect the wall
ignore the game

too quick to hide
can't help but run
stop compromise
no shutting eyes

how quickly smile
to blue thought fades
will questions rise
give birth to change?
insinuate
their words to hear
all them, too loud
their words too weird

so quiet walk
away come back
make up the mind
the self attacks

oh wanting to
explain the past
just longing to
admit at last

Thursday, November 02, 2006

*shiver*

^That is what www.pandora.com does to me...in addition to making my heart beat really fast. In sheer joy and excitement.

If you meet these qualifications (a) connected to music via your soul (b) too broke to invest in lots of music

...then you will appreciate Pandora as a personal revival of all things beautiful and otherworldy about music. fo' sho'.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

what a difference time can make

such a rush of color feeling
painted landscapes brushed and brilliant
i'm left breathless blinded reeling
living canvases revealing
leaves that make me feel
like i'm in love


Can I just tell you how an earlier sunrise can turn a dragging commute into a glory-filled experience? not that I saw the sunrise this morning, mind you, but it is quite amazing the way the autumn trees lit up by the early morning light can transform an "am I going to make it?"-45-minute commute into the most wonderful ride.

oh, how I wish I were in the mountains....maybe I can just pretend I'm driving up the Blue Ridge Parkway as I drive to work in the mornings. at least until I hit the Beltline.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

If you thought you could pull the God card, forget it

why am I pretty much the only one I know who likes to update his/her blog? i really do still have a life...what's wrong with me?

don't answer that

Continuing on, I figured that if you happen to be unfortunate enough to have both a broken Apple product and my sense of humor, you might like to know that Apple reserves the right to refuse service on products damaged for the following reasons (as listed on their website): accident, abuse, neglect, misuse (including faulty installation, repair, or maintenance by anyone other than Apple or an Apple Authorized Service Provider), unauthorized modification, extreme environment (including extreme temperature or humidity), extreme physical or electrical stress or interference, fluctuation or surges of electrical power, lightning, static electricity, fire, acts of God or other external causes.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

The mundane and the magnificent

  • I just realized I desperately need to go grocery shopping as all I have is cereal and Michaelina's 99-cent frozen dinners. Why is it so hard to hold onto real food?
  • I hate that all I ever want to do when I get home is relax, because i need to CLEAN and i need to work on my parents' anniversary present and i have GOT to exercise and i want to play outside....
  • It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside (yet another day perfect for Raven Rock...i.e., next perfect-weather day, PLEASE somebody find me and go with me!). I had to park in the dirt lot next to the church building because I was 15 minutes late, and I sat in my car after church for about 5 minutes just staring at the sky and the field and the wood beyond the lot and got goosebumps...it's a wonderful way to reconnect with the Father, ps, when you're sitting in the midst of that beautiful creation.
  • I have a new appreciation for State Troopers, and for how God can use yes, even state troopers, for good...as in when one pulled me over last night because I was falling asleep at the wheel and not realizing I was speeding 15 over and drifting into the oncoming lane....and he didn't give me a ticket. Oh, and did I mention I didn't have my license? I couldn't find my license (??), I was speeding and I had gone into the opposite lane, it's the end of the month, and that man still didn't ticket me...I have NO idea why, especially since I flat out broke 3 traffic laws in 5 minutes, but for some reason he was so kind (i'm serious, kind) and told me that since I was so tired, would I please drive slower? The speed limit is 35. I could hardly even speak, I couldn't believe it. He said he had been behind me for about half a mile before I pulled over -- that's how ridiculously sleepy and stupid I was, and how ridiculously not-pissed he was...I don't understand. In my delirium last night I seriously kept thinking, "are you an angel????"

The rest of the way home I was pretty much in shock and constantly thinking of how glad I was that I got pulled...it was all I could do last night to not think of what could have happened to me or, God forbid, Michelle, while we were in that car, if I had continued to "drive" uninterrupted. Kept thinking of my accident from 4 years ago that changed my life and was so relieved I didn't have another such life-changing experience...and when we got home, Robert came in while I was washing my face because I was all blubbery, and after we told him what happened he goes, "that's funny, because after I got off the phone with michelle I prayed you guys would get home safely"...thanks, I cried more....no but really, thanks :) Thank God. What a sobering night.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

It's a sexy time now, apparently

This summer while I lived at home, I got into the habit of reading the paper every day. I am considering reviving said habit via a paper plopping on my own doorstep, but in the meantime I get the N&O daily email.

An article today about the burgeoning need for lawyers to smooth out immigration problems included this commentary: '"It's a sexy time now," said John L. Pinnix, a long-time Raleigh immigration attorney. "You pick up the paper and there is an immigration story every day."

I personally don't see what's sexy about anything political, immigration included, but if you feel the need to appear edgy and unconventional with your diction, John L. Pinnix, you go right ahead, I guess.


On another note, I have been miserably unproductive at work of late. Not a sexy time at all (thanks for my enlightened vocabulary, Mr. Pinnix). I think it's because I'm getting bored. They need to hurry up and give me all that Spanish work they promised me.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Oh, me.

So, my first and hopefully last celebrity crush has again been terribly revived as it is now 4 days after the MM show and I am still thinking about the wonderfulness that is Darren King. Does this mean I am less of a woman? I hope not, because if so, I will have to be content to be a lesser woman until someone who is actually based in reality sweeps me off my feet.

I would now like to extend apologies to my lovely roommate for all the times I made fun of her Bryce what's-his-face obsession.


Disclaimer: this post has nothing at all to do with the previous post, as ironic as that may seem

Sunday, October 22, 2006

oh

there are so many things in life that i want. wait, that's not quite it...there are a few things in life that I want very badly, as the rest is fluff.

that's better.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

¿por qué?

WHY does my personality have to be so confused? It's split, I swear. Half interovert, half extrovert = problems. Half homebody, half vagabond-at-heart = problems! I can't even seem to leave the little village of Buies Creek, and yet I seriously want to be living in another country this time next year.

(^sparked by a conversation with yet another coworker who lived and learned Spanish abroad...)


Sidenote: it would appear that I have become readdicted to blogspotting. I am realizing I deny my addictions b/c that word has such a negative connotation, but I have them all the same. Case-in-point: in response to my broken iPod and my dad's accusatory stance towards my relationship with it, I literally started to say, "I'm not addicted, I just can't live without it!"

thank goodness i stopped myself; i never would have heard the end of it

Starbucks freaks me out

This morning I went to the coffee mecca for what was maybe my fifth time ever. Ok ok...it was probably more like my sixth time. And pretty much my having a business meeting there was the only reason, because:

They may claim to be non-coffee-drinker-friendly, but I don't believe it...I'm telling you, you walk in there, you don't drink coffee, you feel like the outcast. Sure, they may have a mini section of their menu appropriated for non-coffee drinks (in the same box as the kid drinks...so don't go there if you already have a complex about being young), and they do actually make them, but still. I normally get the cider or the hot chocolate because I at least know what those are (and know they are kindly coffee-free), but I decided to expand my horizons...but be careful! I mean, the barista who took my order was visibly uncomfortable when I ventured to ask about the difference between the "Zen" green tea and...whatever the other kinds were. I'm sorry I don't have the menu memorized! I'm sorry I threw a kink in your routine! I'm sorry I don't belong here but I'm here anyway!

I don't mind that Starbucks is a definitive social phenomenon, that some people have compared it to a religion (though I personally prefer "cult"), that articles and books have been written about it...it's weird, but it's here. It's capitalism. It's coffee. People like coffee. They like choices. They like atmosphere.

And I do love the caramel apple cider...and Starbucks is cool, it's all good. No haterade here yo, only Zen green tea and hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. But you still freak me out, Bucky. And I'm not just talking about the Get Fuzzy feline. And if you know who that is, I will buy you whatever specialty drink you wish.....if it's at Caribou.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Unresolved

So coming to grips with brokenness is a heartrending experience. Naturally.

And it's supposed to be, right? Sometimes the thought creeps into my head, "when will it quit?"--that brutal, continual realization that so many people are shrouded in such a thick and empty darkness (and tragically, may not even realize it). But then I have to concede that for those of us who have been relieved of that darkness, God will not have us forget his children who yet live in it.

It's pretty humbling how every time I get to thinking my life problems are totally unfair, or painful, or maybe even crippling, I end up being reminded of the gift of grace I've been blessed with...because I'll see someone who is without it. Every workday I see people who are either dying from AIDS or will be one day if things don't change...but nearly everyone I see, sick or not, is dying in a much more profound way. But most of them don't even know it.

And I hear things -- I read things -- that all point to how there's so much more suffering in the world than peace. I'll hear about another bombing in the M.E.; I'll find out about a friend who was hurt by someone they love; I'll read about the new suicide rates. (I just read To Write Love On Her Arms, if you're wondering what specifically triggered this post...)

Thank God I can take peace from the obvious-yet-elusive reminder my dad gave me a few weeks ago as I was trying not to sob on his shoulder: we, as humans, are not ultimately responsible for the choices other people make. God only holds us responsible for our own actions (which normally is intimidating, but in this case, is a relief).

But I do still get angry -- angry because it's not fair, angry because people are telling them lies, angry they are telling each other lies, angry at myself because I don't quite know how to tell them the Truth. And I get frustrated, because I feel like my life is now made up of a web of lines (both man's and God's) that shouldn't be crossed, and I get frustrated because when I leave at the end of the day I just want to forget, because forgetting means I won't have to be on edge for a few hours. And I do sometimes. I think God understands. He knows it hurts to see it...to be confronted with so many kinds of death that you start to get innoculated against it. But of course, that's yet another fine line.

I count it as a great blessing that all this makes my appreciation for what I have in Christ much more exquisitely felt. "Gratitude" is such an inadequate word for my response to God--involuntary, bewildered joy might be more accurate. But beautiful as that joy is, it's still tainted, I'm afraid, while I know that there are so many who do not share in it.

I'm not being self-righteous, by the way. I'm just being honest. I just had to get this off my chest. Although, I suppose I'm of the opinion that more people should have it weighing on theirs..

I haven't found the balance yet.

Friday, October 13, 2006

OHHH my goodness oh my goodness,

I was talking to a coworker about living abroad to bolster language skills and she told me I should look into being an au pair in Spain.....I am wondering why I never thought of doing that before...because I just did some research and it sounds like the most AMAZING opportunity everrrr and now i am slightly freaking out here

free room and board, job taken care of, living in Spain, immersed in the language, weekend travel opportunities galore, um.......................i don't know what to do

this would be the answer for so much of what i've been thinking about.

but that means, come May, another decision has to be made. my now-boss is already dropping hints about permanent hiring opportunities, my old internship boss still wants me back full time, and oh man

i'm trippin

-lunch break-

I thought I'd post a translation of one of my favorite songs ever, "Todo Cambia," by the great Peruvian folk singer Mercedes Sosa...since i think everyone should hear it, except that it's in a language most of my friends don't understand, so:

Cambia lo superficial (the superficial changes)
cambia también lo profundo (as does the profound)
cambia el modo de pensar (our way of thinking changes)
cambia todo en este mundo (as does everything in this world)

Cambia el clima con los años (the climate changes over the years)
cambia el pastor su rebaño (the shepherd changes his flock)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia el mas fino brillante (don't quite get this and the next line...)
de mano en mano su brillo
cambia el nido el pajarillo
(the bird changes his nest)
cambia el sentir un amante (a lover changes his feelings)

Cambia el rumbo el caminante (the wanderer changes his course)
aunque esto le cause daño (although this may cause him harm)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes,)
que yo cambie no extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia
(...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia


Cambia el sol en su carrera (the sun changes in its path)
cuando la noche subsiste (as the night continues on)
cambia la planta y se viste (the plant changes and colors itself)
de verde en la primavera (with the green of Spring)

Cambia el pelaje la fiera (the wild animal changes its coat)
Cambia el cabello el anciano (the old man changes his hair)
y así como todo cambia (and as everything changes)
que yo cambie no es extraño (it's not strange that I change as well)

Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change)
por mas lejos que me encuentre (no matter how far away you may find me)
ni el recuerdo ni el dolor (neither do the memory nor the pain change)
de mi pueblo y de mi gente (of my town and of my people)

Lo que cambió ayer (that which changed yesterday)
tendrá que cambiar mañana (will have to change tomorrow)
así como cambio yo (just as I change)
en esta tierra lejana (in this faraway land)

Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia
(...everything changes...)
Cambia todo cambia
Cambia todo cambia


Pero no cambia mi amor (but my love does not change...)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I HATE SPIDERS SO MUCH

they make me turn into a little girl
the little girl of my childhood who was escared of espiders
the little girl who grew into an older girl who was not so scared of spiders

until [insert shudder]

she moved into this wacky apartment
where the spiders apparently have a lovefest every night
because they are everywhere
EVERYWHERE

and her phobia came back with a vengeance.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

i wonder what would happen

if i just told the world EVERYthing I really thought and felt instead of keeping it a secret only me and my best friends know (or just me). What if we ALL did that? It could be pretty terrifying, and I'll wager that a lot of people would fight more but people might believe in Christ more and no I did not mean to pseudorhyme there, and some friendships would be finished but others would be stronger, and I would probably be more scared and pained but a lot more aware of people's daily sense of loss when they don't have Christ, and I would probably feel more passion and less fakeness. How's THAT for a run-on.

I've started writing in a real, non-blogspot journal (gasp), which, ironically, I've never really had the need to do before. I've had a poem-book, so to speak, but these days I have so many thoughts, personal ones, that I have to write down everything so I don't forget it. This is the first time I've started straight-up journaling for real out of need, rather than because I just like to write. (I.e., written equivalent of people who like to hear themselves talk.) My poems were always my personal catharsis, but now not even that's enough.

I miss writing poetry, though...I just wrote a poem, because I was typing an away message and accidentally ended up typing a poem instead. That happens a lot...probably b/c I'm a sap. Or maybe I just like to shove my complaints out in public without realllly saying anything. I'm going to go with the latter.

This was another fairly non-sensical post, brought to you by a heavy lack of sleep due to yesterday's late-night salsa dancing. To quote Alli Ack, ay mami.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Love thy neighbor? and other thoughts..

It's an interesting, delicate line.

Upon first reading this, my heart is saddened by the image the "preacher protestors" are portraying of Christianity. And truly, I am saddened by how gays are marginalized and isolated by society -- but especially by Christians -- as a people group to be ridiculed and looked down upon as "less than us." (For the record, this was my belief long before I started working with the AAS-C). If you believe like I do that the Scripture says homosexuality is wrong, I still don't think that means queers are any worse than the rest of us. I've have several conversations lately in which it was wondered why homosexuality has been elevated to the position of the ultimate socially unacceptable sin -- can you think of something else as controversial? That's a simplistic statement I know, but that's a whole other conversation, really.

But it's just hard for me to agree that they should be treated differently (and definitely not worse) than straight people. Which is why I really wrestle with the ban on same-sex marriages, although I suspect that comes more from my long-standing support of separation of church and state than anything else. (And that is certainly another conversation, as well.)

One interviewee from the article said, "The Bible says to love your neighbor as thyself. It doesn't tell you who to love and not to love." If he was talking in reference to the the anti-gay protesters who definitely were not showing love to Pride attendees, he got it about half right-- as far as I know, the Bible does tell you who to love: everyone, including your enemies, regardless of who you perceive that to be. I just think it's a little sad that "the gay" was the one who got that, but not the Christians.

* * *

Getting back to my original opening line, though, I have to think about how all that is different from me attending an abortion protest, which is something I would certainly do. Maybe it's hypocritical of me to be much more passionate about that and to be willing to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic to protest. I don't know. I do know that there is something of a more personal nature with homosexuality protests, as in, typically speaking, they protest people in general (i.e. the "God hates faggots" idiots). Whereas abortion protests are promoting life, period.

Scratch what I just said...I would not be interested in a Planned Parenthood protest, actually. I would go to a prayer rally, yes, particularly on legislative grounds. God responds to prayer; that's a hard and fast fact. Planned Parenthood is not likely to respond to protests with anything other than disdain, and that gets you nowhere.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Crying like a baby.

I'm pretty sure that until last night, the last time I cried because I was tired was when I was a baby. But I was super tired last night. And I cried -- couldn't even help it. I now have a bit more sympathy for the poor little babes who won't shut up simply because they need to sleep.

Of course, I have become a terribly emotionally-driven person in the last few years; I'm sure that also had something to do with it. And every day now, mainly because of my job, I am absolutely flooded with questions and issues and concerns I've never had to face, which tires my mind and my heart unmercifully, so...That undoubtedly had something to do with it as well.

I have GOT to finish my apartment-moving process so that I can finally have clear free time at home, so I can finally write. And process. Perhaps in a slightly more formal format; we shall have to see. If a certain magazine sees fit to offer my processing on their website again, then so much the better, since everyone's who's asking about my life can then get it all in one articulate swoop. Not that I don't want to talk to you all, my dear friends, but then you'll have context and we can cut to the chase. :)




Unrelatedly (no not a word), I should just accept my love for the blog, i think -- I always intend to write about 3 sentences, and that never happens, does it?..

Sunday, September 17, 2006

TODO Cambia

So week two of my new job is upon me and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. This work belongs to such a different realm than what I have been used to my entire life, and I haven't quite figured out how to handle it all yet...

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it's in a good, "I'm being stretched" way, but the whole being somewhat apprehensive about going in to work thing, I dearly hope that passes pretty quickly. Because I have the next 10 months to be in it.

It occurs to me that pretty much NO one knows what I'm talking about right now, most likely, but suffice it to say:

I'm supposed to be fluent in Spanish
I'm supposed to overlook (?) things that contradict my beliefs
I'm supposed to not be phased by sex, homosexuality, transgenderism, terminal illness, etc.
I'm supposed to provide "pastoral counseling" without really talking about Christ unless invited
I'm supposed to be honest and open with my team on quite an intense personal level, regardless of the fact that I don't think anyone shares my faith, which essentially defines who I am

All situations that I'm not accustomed to. Not to mention the fact that this is not going to be a 9-5 job I can drop when I walk out the door, but is going to follow me pretty much everywhere. It already is.

I keep saying it, but it's all I know right now: it's gonna be an interesting year, chicos.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

i am SICK

and ANGRY

B/C I HATE BEING SICK

AND ALL i did was sit in training yesterday, in a 60 degree room, which is freezing cold, by the way, and i got a freaking cold. i got a cold just by sitting in a cold room. i didn't think that could really happen. but LET IT BE KNOWN, that OHHHH IT CAN HAPPEN. WATCHOUT.

And i am MAINLY angry b/c if i don't get better by Friday, I will have to miss my first day of work, seeing how sickness and AIDS patients are not a good combo.

and i am so tired and i want to curse so badly but i'm not supposed to damnit.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

She's back! sort of.

I haven't written in this thing in so long, i couldn't remember my password. At first. Of course i did eventually, since i'm addicted to blogging for some reason I have yet to ascertain.

So, if i believed in karma, this is how it would work in my life: For four years, Melinda makes fun of all the people who end up back in Buies Creek (or never leave) after graduation. 3 months after the four years, Melinda moves back to Buies Creek.

My excuse is not so pathetic -- I get to live a) not with my parents, and b) with one of the best people in my life ever, MiChelle my Belle.

And I start my new, real (well, almost real) job next week. That I get to drive an hour to get to. But that's ok, b/c today I sang praise songs all the way home and it went by so much faster...I'm honestly excited about that. Just because you're behind the steering wheel doesn't mean you can't bask in God's presence, verdad?

But speaking of my job that I will have, I got so excited today at my job that I am at right now because for the first time in months, maybe a year, I was able to help someone simply because I knew how to speak their language. And I will get to do that every freakin day for the next 10 months. I absolutely relish that feeling.

To end this semi-stream-of-consiousness post, which I would love to continue but am far too tired to do so, I thought of another article i want to write for Relevant...I miss writing. Like i miss my music. At least I don't have to miss my friends anymore, at least not most of them...

Ciao para ahora......................................................

Friday, June 30, 2006

oh, sighsighsigh

Hmmm…I now see what it is like to have a “real” life and to not actually have time (nor inclination, often) to blog! Yes.

Maybe I’m in good moods most of the time, and that’s why my bad moods are so dreadful and make me feel like my life has hit rock bottom. Because once in a while, in the midst of a bad mood, I actually remember that my life has not. Which is kind of an annoying thing to remember, when you are stewing or want to cry (or are crying).

This post was brought to you by Melinda’s personal Listen For the Echoes bank account.

Ps, Raleigh people…I am sorry I have been MIA for like two months. Hope we hang soon. We just can’t go anywhere fun unless it’s your house, fyi. :)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I think,...

that my skepticism towards all things Christian-labeled beyond myself and the people whose hearts I know is, realistically, something I seriously need to get over. I don't know what experiences could have scarred me for me to be so pessimistic, but something must have happened that I don't remember, because it's like I have to fight this urge to distrust everyone. I anticipate trite phrases and fake smiles and hypocrisy. I expect cliches and shallowness. I really hate that.

I visited a new church tonight, and the fact that I didn't leave feeling dumber or dirtier or (unjustifiably) holier and more enlightened compared to what I was around, has to be a good sign. We shall see where this goes.

I still want to shed my pessimism, though (and accept what "is" with the Body and move on). When compounded with my introverted nature, it most certainly is not conducive to the fellowship I am craving.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

yo quiero escribir

So, my Dad googled my name the other day to see what came up, and he saw my article on Relevantmagazine.com, and also saw a bunch of other links to it…I was curious and found a number of blogs linked to it, as well as the “Emergency Ministries” (whatever that may be) website…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a slightly-better-than-average scribe...I really couldn't tell how good that piece was, so the response I received was definitely appreciated. That, plus all the comments, emails, and facebook messages I got in response to it, further enforces the compulsion I’ve felt for a long time: I WANT TO WRITE.

I want to write [more]. I swear one day I really am going to work up to that book I keep talking about.

Monday, April 17, 2006

I am Native American.

No, really, I am. Ignore the blonde hair, blue eyes and freckles--technically, as I am 1/16 Cherokee, I just barely meet the "blood quantum" required for enrollment with the Cherokee tribe.
 
And theoretically speaking, if my life were very different than it is and my brother and I had at one point ended up as candidates for adoption, we could have found ourselves being forced to live on a reservation with people we’d never met, regardless of the wishes of my immediate, non-Native-American family members. (see article)
 
Anyone who knows me also knows that the last thing I am is racist, so obviously I would have nothing against N.A. tribes wishing to preserve their customs, heritage, etc. But, as highly as I value each race's heritage and uniqueness, there is something that I value infinitely higher: humanity. Just simple, freakin' humanity. There is nothing humane about placing children in a home where they are exposed to physical harm just because of an outdated, nearly 30-year-old law that has been expanded well beyond its original context and intent.

I've known for several years that I will eventually want to adopt at least one child. For the past year or so, in spite of the trend to adopt children from 3rd world countries, I've really think I will adopt from the States. Sometimes I don't think people realize that just because a child is in the United States doesn't necessarily mean he or she is living any better than a child in Developing Country X. (again, just read the article)
 
Everyone's heard the stories about American parents who had to go to insane measures, time, expense, etc. to be able to bring their child home from China.
 
What doesn't make sense to me is how screwed-up the adoption system is just in America itself. Why do social services/adoption agencies have such bad reps when it comes to facilitating good adoptions? Why do we hear so many stories of healthy families put through hell just because of the occasional "know-it-all" SS rep who thinks he/she knows what's best for the children they barely even know? I know it probably boils down to selfish people who have their "rights," plus impersonal governmental standards and laws that are full of unrealistic, bureaucratic red tape.
 
It really gets under my skin, if you didn't notice.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us,

“…so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures, we might have hope.” Romans 15:4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I thought I buried you deep
I buried you in my skin
And when the night’s at its darkest
You come back to me again

I thought I’d leave you behind
I turned and I ran away
But in the silence between my steps
Your footsteps follow me

You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go

I tried to gather the shards
That you’d left scattered all over me
They’d broken off underneath the surface

You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go

But ghosts I see right through
And I can see through you
So all you’ll ever do
Is be a shade I see tomorrow through

You haunt me
You come back to make me feel alone
But you’re only what breaks me
So that someday I’ll be whole
You come back to haunt me

~Justin McRoberts



* * *



Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:2-3

"…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light. Job 33:28

"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.” Jeremiah 33:6-7

[We pray that you will be] strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:11-12

You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear." O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:57-58

"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?...” Isaiah 51:12-13


[if you actually got this far,] feel free to add more…