Thursday, December 27, 2007

who knew?

I just had an exciting (to me) and potentially important epiphany.

For some odd reason, ever since the sixth grade when I realized I had a modest talent and great love for writing, I have operated under the belief that Writing is this great, monolithic, all-encompassing thing at its core. Either you like "it," you're good at "it," or you're not.

So not true. Duh.

At the spurring on of teachers, I almost considered pursuing a career in journalism, but something always made me hesitate. I always felt that wrapped up in such a career would be many bits and angles that are pretty unappealing to my personality. Probably still true. At any rate, I thought that I could probably do it; I just wouldn't like it.

My day job requires some minor writing for our website, a task I rarely look forward to. That sentiment always perplexed me ("but I love to write!") until, um, this morning, when it occurred to me that nothing's wrong; I just don't like that kind of writing because I'm not good at it...because I don't like it.

I imagine that many years pass before a journalist has the privilege of covering exclusively those topics that he or she really cares about. I can't stand writing about things that don't interest me personally. And so I could never be a journalist, at least not a good one, because I would probably be miserable. Forget perseverance; you can't *truly* excel in something you don't even like. Quality without passion will simply never reach highest quality. At least in my opinion.

My epiphany: There's no shame in that! I used to think that if you called yourself A Real Writer, you should be able to do it all--from news reports to opinion pieces to novels (to poetry, even if just as poetic prose). WHERE did I get such an idea? Let's quash that feeling of inadequacy right there...geez.

Of course, the catch is that if I only ever write about what interests me, that severely limits readership (take this blog for example, or this very post, even...heh). Which means it's unlikely I'll ever get paid a dime for my musings. But I'm okay with that now. It's kind of freeing. :)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

bet you can't see it just once


The ONCE DVD is coming out today! Hoorah!

Friday, December 07, 2007

not that you should care. but this is my blog, after all.

So maybe things aren't so shabby these days, artistically speaking...I finally finished the painting I started a year ago, and started another canvas project...I got to have some fun recording in a studio again [I think there are few things as exhilarating and fulfilling as hearing yourself recorded for posterity]...and I'm still on track for making all of my Christmas gifts this year. Can't complain. :)

I came dangerously close to my life becoming boring, though, something that hasn't happened since high school. I've finally reached the point in life where there is no foreseeable "next thing," except the workaday life that will continue on indefinitely (the glamour and excitement of which has worn off since I am no longer really new to this job).

But hopefully I have managed to nip this near-boredom in the bud. I'm going to start kickboxing soon, heck yeah. Ballet and kickboxing, what an odd pair that will make. Maybe I will even put them together and create a new dance craze and make instruction videos.

Melinda's Balletboxing...I can see it now.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

come baaaack!

I've said this how many times? Too many, I think, for me to still be able to say it. But I miss the art in my life. It's even more accurate in Spanish, me hace falta -- "it creates a lacking in me." And this vacancy is becoming a serious source of irritation.

My life, especially my creativity, is in danger of being consumed by my job, something which I plan to nip in the bud after this week. Given this is the first job I've ever had that I truly enjoy, I can tell it's something I'll have to be cautious about...which is weird. But what I really care about is getting involved in a church and a home group, and then finding a way to get tapped into--or even better, become a part of--"the artist community" of the United States. Whatever that means. But when you get even the tiniest taste of it, all you want is more. And I want it back. And I definitely want it more.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Racial reconciliation and the Church.

A Voice of Healing

(from 850 Words of Relevant)

The events surrounding what has become known as the Jena 6 case have recently underscored the racial tension in the United States. The story of six African-American high-school students, who were suspected of beating up a white classmate, suddenly became an evening-news fixture as the nation watched the details of the case unfold. Weeks before the fight broke out, several white students hung a noose from a tree at the high school, and tension escalated between the racially divided groups. When prosecutors only brought charges against the African-American youths (and many felt the charges were too severe), protestors took to the streets in the town, and suddenly a racial divide was apparent.

We recently had the chance to speak with Efrem Smith, pastor of Sanctuary Covenant in Minneapolis. Along with fostering a multiethnic community at his church, Smith hosts the Time for Reconciliation radio show and speaks on the topic of racial reconciliation.

What’s the vision of your church?
The vision of our church is a Christ-centered community that is multiethnic, that is urban, that is relevant and that is holistic, and that we would equip people in the city to be salt and light, and to be salt and light in a way that it reaches the hurting and the lost.

What are the biggest challenges the Church is facing right now in order to get to racial reconciliation?
Well, churches have to first—and it starts with leadership—come to the understanding that we live in a racialized society that in many ways is a distraction and goes against the kind of community that Christ makes possible through His death and resurrection. Sociologists say and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that Sunday morning at 11:00 is the most segregated hour in America. We have to see the Gospel message as wanting to do something about that and as going against that racialized norm of our society.

What are your expectations for the next generation coming up in the Church?
Well, I think that in this generation, in the emerging generation, there is a hunger, a desire, a genuine felt need for something other than what our grandparents and parents grew up in, in terms of a very rigid racial, racialized society rooted in individualism. And I expect this generation of youth and young adults especially to forge new identities and a new reality of what community is, and how we live life in an ever-increasing multiethnic, multicultural world.

What do you think the Church’s reaction should be to something like the Jena 6 case?
I think that the Church needs two things when you look at a situation like the Jena 6 situation. One is, the Church needs to be a voice of healing, of unity, of peace, of forgiveness. We need to uplift those things that I think are the real fruits of the spirit and that really model the work of Jesus Christ when He walked the earth.

The second thing, though, is the Church has to be prophetic and be honest that racism is still an injustice that has not gone away. And I think that there’s a segment—not all, but there’s a segment—of European Americans who live in a place of privilege and don’t recognize that race is still a very important issue in our country.

Is there a way to get that certain segment to recognize what’s going on?
Yes. I think that when we realize that based on Matthew chapter 1, the genealogy of Jesus, that Jesus walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. He wasn’t white. You can’t just make Him all African either, but He walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. When we realize that the first Christian community and church as we know it was multiethnic, and when we also realize and understand that the place we’re going to live eternally, heaven, is multiethnic, then I think we’re able to question, Well, then, why have we lifted up a Christ, a Church and a Gospel that is fundamentally Eurocentric in nature and Westernized? And when you’re not able to acknowledge that and deal with that, putting limits on how we view Jesus and how we view the Church, how we view the Good News, the Gospel message—I think when we understand them, we’ll get a better understanding of why the continued racial tension and issues that we see arise in something like the Jena 6 situation.

How do you think Christians need to react to encounters with racism?
Well, I think the very first counteractive move you can make against racism is to have authentic, deep, meaningful relationships with people of a different ethnicity. That you share meals with them, you share stories with them and you’re engaged in relationships with people that are different than you. That’s the most important move, that you’re truly loving your neighbor across racial lines as yourself. Because really, for that commandment to have meaning—because we’re in a racialized society—we have to say, “Love your neighbor across race as yourself” for that commandment to truly have meaning and power in our world today.

I think from that authentic relationship across race—loving your neighbor—it’s going to develop in you a compassion and a sensitivity to not tolerate racism, whether it’s institutional or individual. I think without a deep friendship, relationship across race, it’s hard to develop the proper sensitivity to speak out and act out against racism, whether it’s individual or institutional.

Author: Harbor Partin

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Defenders of the...feminine

I find it very ironic that, as a woman, I have never been passionate about women's issues. I'm certainly not an all-out feminist by modern standards, though by virtue of the fact that I'm a woman, there are naturally certain things I have strong opinions about...but not passionately so, for the most part.

And then this summer, I started taking classes in the Bushido Judo School's Women's Self-Defense program, and all of a sudden I find myself wildly taken up with the cause of women's safety and protection. My instructor, a man of course (it doesn't do much good to practice beating up on a woman), possesses a more acute sense of respect for women than almost anyone I've ever met, and it occurred to me: he's a man! I'm a woman; where's my sense of honor and love towards my fellow woman?

And so I've gotten on a kick (though I hope it's more than that) of advocacy for women's safety...it hasn't paid off too well with the women I already know, sadly. Most of my friends smile and say "yeah, that class sounds like a good idea," but I haven't been able to convey the importance of it yet. I guess it will take time, and understandably. Four months ago I was an ambivalent bystander, more or less, and only signed up for one class because I knew my mom would continue to harass me if I didn't. Hey, if harassment is what it takes to get the women I care about into a place where they better know how to protect themselves, I don't mind the job. And to anyone riding the fence, I'd like to say: you really don't know what you've been missing all this time until you go. Trust me.

In the meantime, I'm considering becoming a volunteer for Interact of Wake County, which "provides safety, support, and awareness to victims and survivors of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault." This is not the garden-weeding, kitchen-cleaning, boutique-fundraiser-cashiering I'm used to doing...this is really investing myself in the lives of people who have been hurt. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't really intimidate me, but to be honest, I think it's time I grow up. I say I want a "better world," and that I want to "share the love of Christ," but playing it safe isn't going to help any of that to happen.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

embracing my inner 16-year-old

So lately I have noticed that I have been getting (perhaps in response to a total lack of real candidates in my life?) silly little middle school crushes all over the place these days. And by all over the place I mean three, but three at once is two more at once than ever before, and three more than most times (did you get all that?) No, no identities will be given, since you don't know them anyway -- heck, I don't even know two of them (and never will...trust me. Thus, silly girl.)

Anyway, me and my analytical self have coped with feeling like I've reverted back to the typical girlhood I never actually had by realizing there are valuable lessons to be learned...at least in terms of recognizing what is attractive to me in guys. Well, recognizing isn't perhaps the best word, as I pretty much already knew. Better "reinforcing," maybe--reinforcing the fact that there are some things that attract me no matter how much I wish they didn't, or how glad I am they do.

Basically, and here comes the personal ad, I'm attracted most intensely to men* who are genuinely seeking to thrive in a relationship with Christ above all else. That relationship is the most important thing to me personally, so it follows. That's one of the attractions I'm grateful for, along with: guys who proactively honor and respect women, are patient, have an easygoing and good-natured sense of humor (though the more ironic and witty the better), get along well with all kinds of people, love the outdoors...and that's as far as my brain goes for now..

The rest fall in both the "I'm glad" and "I wish they didn't" categories, because haven't you noticed that what attracts you most in a person so often tends to become expressed in a manner that actually drives you away? Yes: guys who have an artistic spirit (especially in music and/or poetic and prosaic writing...kindred spirit, you know), are self-assured and confident, are slightly smarter than me in some ways, haven't had a perfect life, have strong convictions, are socially conscious, mentally flexible, introspective...and bigger than me (yes, it somehow doesn't seem to happen much and so I sometimes regret that one :P).

So if you meet all of these, you can call me at (919) 60--just kidding.


*(I'm TRYING to learn to say men instead of guys....it's not easy....not to be mean, but it's difficult for me to consider any male under the age of 30 as a "man"...probably because it's difficult for me to consider any female under the age of 30 as a "woman")

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Lo Perdido

So I've been exploring and experiencing the concept of loss for a while, both theoretically and practically. One thing I've learned is it's all about perspective - for example, I felt the truly panicky impact of impending financial loss when I impacted the side of my brother's truck into the drive-thru menu at Burger King this weekend. But as I suddenly remember that my cousin would have turned 25 today were it not for the drunk driver who caused her life to end four and a half months ago, I am recalled to a much more profound sense of loss. And even that is more far-reaching than I can imagine, from her fiancee who is trying to pull his life back together to the drunk driver's young child whose mother sits in jail awaiting trial.

Not that I think I should always consider the fact that "it could be worse" -- "it will get better" is a much more rosy approach -- but I'll admit, that's often one way of how I get through things.

Loss is a part of life -- it just happens. How do we deal with it? The answer to that is, naturally, incredibly telling of the person we are at our very core.

And the ruminations will continue next time...

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

me pregunto...

So I wonder how a person goes about getting a little numb, mainly as it seems that's what I've gone and done. Not totally numb, mind you, but just enough to notice. Just enough to notice that there's nothing really driving me right now except the fact that I have a new job and am soon to have a new place in a (sort-of) new city. And God knows I never wanted anything like that to be "what drives me." And I know I won't stay in that place...but still, it makes me wonder what it's gonna take to leave it.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

a word is dead?...

So, back in the days when I felt compelled to spill my guts onto the internet, I longed for the day when I would be too busy with life to be bothered with it.


Now that day has come, I'm not so sure how I feel about it.


I haven't written a blog post, a poem, an article, nothing - in SOO long..
I haven't done any non-wedding-related music in even longer...
I haven't painted anything in about half as long.


I don't know how much more I can bear a schedule that stifles the creative urges....Either something's gotta change, or I'm going to have to resort to caffeine pills and not sleeping. Simple as that.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

i'm done, apparently

I just forgot how old I was. Literally -- I just had a moment when knowledge of my age was necessary, and I experienced a few seconds of "twenty-two or twenty-three? twenty-two or twenty-three?"

I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many, many more years to come.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

ON SINGLENESS yeah that's right.

[sparked by that question every woman loves to hear from her mother, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Gotta love it.]

In college, dating was by no means something I was disinterested in, but neither was it much of a priority (if you knew me then, I know you're just shocked). I always wondered why I didn't get all crazy and weepy about my lack of a love life, because it seemed like most girls who likewise didn't have one were at least pining for one, but I didn't exactly feel that way. Which was fine with me.

Come graduation, though, that story sure did change - suddenly my friends were getting married, and I wanted to, too! For the first time in my life, I was *not* okay with being alone. I wanted somebody to "share my experiences with" (okay, so part of my motive was honestly just to have someone to cushion the impending blow of the Real World)...plus "everyone" I knew was getting married, and it was contagious. I like weddings...but eventually, after five or six in a year....you start...to..get a little....antsy..

Now a year out, I'm tumbling around somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I'd love to be married four or five years from now, which means dating someone important...like..soon, but I'll admit, I really like being single right now...maybe too much. I don't know. Between work and, well, more work, I feel like I barely have enough time for myself as it is, and the idea of fitting someone else into my life-space doesn't even seem conceivable. And lets face it, boys make girls crazy and I like my crazy at the manageable level it's currently at, thank you. Plus, if ever there was a committment-phobe, I Am She. As in, I have a hard time committing to even just being nice to a guy, much less anything more....stop laughing and nodding, Michelle. Plus...I know everyone has neuroses, but I'm particularly afraid of mine, and am still trying to find a balance between working them out and understanding that I never completely will.

That said, I know about God's timing and all that (so now you can forget that comment you were going to leave), and it just happens that I've never once thought of myself as being one of the rare "called to lifelong singleness" ones - I pretty much know I'm going to be married. It's just a matter of when. 27, 30 or 37? My mid-fifties, never-married aunt looks to be nearing Marriage Land, which is so great! But I really don't want to wait that long.

When my mom popped the question, I gave her a flippantly exhasperated "I don't know, Mom," then backed up with my standard, "because my church and neighborhood consist of college students, at work there are only women and gay men, and basically all my guy friends are married or almost so." Which, of course, paints a picture of it having nothing to do with me or my own choices...which is not the real case. I've played a big role in my current status, for better or for worse.

Funny, I don't really know how to end this. Which is appropriate, I guess.

Monday, May 07, 2007

I recommend to YOU:

I highly encourage anyone and everyone to read this book. I'm not even going to try to explain why or what my motives are, but rather will simply say: just go read it! I'd like to think it will change your life...even if only a little.

I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this though, but if you do, AND if you happen to be wondering why I never post real posts anymore, it's because I'm currently scrambling to simultaneously finish out my apprenticeship and find a new [read: real] job. I've temporarily had to forfeit (seems like) just about everything else going on in my life, which is a bummer. But I think exciting new turns are just around the corner; definitely not a bummer! If things work out how I'd like, this summer will find me back living full-time in Raleigh for the first time in five years...I'm muy emocionada :)

[= excited...but I do get emotional about it all too; what can you do, I'm a girlllll.]

:)

Oh and also, I must add a totally unrelated random bit, or else this wouldn't be a true Melinda post: apparently they've been together for a while, but I just today saw on la tele that John & Jessica are a couple. Now, either Jessica Simpson has for years successfully executed one of the most brilliant image acts of all time for commercial gain, or John Mayer is less of a man than I thought he was.

actually, I think the latter must hold true either way...boo, john. And I kind of liked some of your music, too...now it is a tainted like.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Beatboxing Flute and Cello @ Union Square

justine and I have some work to do if we're going to catch up.

ohhh, but CATCH UP WE WILL. watch out, new york. or maybe, buies creek.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Speed Painting by Nexx -

one of my favorite artists, and...another one of my favorite artists.

Monday, April 16, 2007

timing

People talk a lot about God's timing. Sometimes I wonder if we attribute too much to it -- confusion, disappointment, lacking, [insert another negatively connotated noun here]. Maybe some things just happen (obviously, not outside the realm of God's knowledge and control, but I'm just saying it's possible we look too much into things sometimes?...) Maybe we also ought to be attributing good things to God's timing. And by good, I don't mean actually negative stuff that we mask as good in the God-light just so we feel better.

But that's probably one of those heart-changes that requires God's help. Which we probably have to remember to ask for.

Anyway, at the risk of sounding like I'm doing said masking, this was all prompted by my recent thoughts of what my life is doing. Eh, that sounded passive, didn't it--okay, what I'm doing with my life. Up until early this year I've had my fingers into all kinds of various and random activities that made my life more complicated, more full and more fun. Now, I feel like I'm in a season of evaporation. My desire to write, whether articles, in my journal or on my blog, has trickled to a near-nothing [edit: after further thought, I realized that's not true...the mental scribblings are still scrawling about just as much as ever; it's just that these days I feel so distractingly guilty if I ever indulge them into life that I can hardly focus once I begin]; all my musical projects have essentially faded into nonexistence; my friends are harder to get ahold of and hang out with; even my involvement with the church has declined, more via circumstances there than by my own explicit choice.

I don't mean to lump all of those things together and label them as "good" or "bad"; from where I stand, until I understand more, they simply "are." And all of it comes at a time when working on what happens to me in the next few months is very important. Essentially, where will I be working and where will I live? (What will I do; where will I go? to be more esoteric...) Nearly everything else in life seems to have taken a backseat, whether by my own choice or not (mainly not). So, I am curious, and I am embracing this season.

One thing I am doing more...reading. It is nice. It occurs to me that everything I've been doing has been output, and this one source of input has been neglected for quite a while. It is nice.

Currently reading:
Finding Manana: Memoirs of a Cuban Exodus
The Backward Life
Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith Through the Streets of America
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True

Monday, April 09, 2007

lo siento

Just so you know, this will not be a cheery post so you read further at your own expense; I am in a terrible mood and have to quickly dissipate this somewhere harmless before it dissipates in someone's face...ahem. okay. i will probably just delete this later anyway because I feel bad when people hear me complain.

I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.

Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.


Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.

Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Christos anesti! Cristo ha resucitado! El Messieh kahm! Khrishti unjal! Le Christ est ressuscite! Christus ist erstanden! Cristo e' risorto! Ha Masheeha houh kam! Christus is opgestaan! Hristos diril-di! Ukristu uvukile! Jesu Kristi ebiliwo! Kristus telah bangkit! Cristos vaskres!


He is risen indeed!

Monday, April 02, 2007

tick tick goes the brain

I never really thought of myself as a skittish person, but apparently....yes. Just ask roommatechelle: she startles me at least once a week simply by walking into the room. Or, for another example, there's the other day when we were on a walk, and I jumped/exclaimed because I thought a cat was coming at me...but it was my shadow. my shadow...i'd say that's the epitome of skittishness. I'm a walking cliché. Literally.

I don't really know why I felt like sharing that, except that I hope you laughed. I'm pretty sure, that's one of the main reasons for my being here on earth. (Melinda lives her normal life = people laugh...at least that's what seems to happens most days...)

Unrelatedly;

I've been thinking about self-destructive behavior lately. There are so many forms of it--You're on a quest for physical perfection. You drink too much. You dwell on [whatever] far more than is necessary. You don't take your medication. You seclude yourself. You're financially reckless. You refuse to ask for help...and on and on.

Funny thing, though, about "self-destructive" behavior: its negative effects may not be, probably are not, limited to yourself.

I think life is very much based on choices. Yes, we get dealt awkward, inconvenient, poor hands, but I think the vast majority of the time, we have choices to make within those situations, decisions that can be made toward the better, or toward or the worse. Maybe we can't fix everything...but surely we can at least minimize the pain/trouble we cause ourselves and others?

It's common sense. Or is it? So many of our actions would seem to indicate otherwise (mine included; this is far from a lecture).

Just a [possibly random/abstruse] thought.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

really no cigar?

Alright, so my efforts thus far have proved unsuccessful in getting anyone to go with me to see Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin this Monday. I don't know why I'm putting it on here, except maybe it will miraculously serve as another means of convincing someone he or she needs to go to this? I have gone to shows by myself...it's not as fun...but I will probably do it if I have to...do you feel guilty yet? Don't -- you should feel excited, because they make pretty music. (You like music from Scrubs? Garden State? The Last Kiss? eh? you'll like this)

Go see her
and him
here
at 8:00 pm.
for $10.

But tell me first.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Confessions # ? + heartaches

first: I once wrote about God's grace being redemptive not only in our souls, but also our memories, instincts and personality. To say I'm grateful for this does not do it justice.

Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.

There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.

Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?

I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.

I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

just like sheryl says

I know I'll never reach a point in my life where personal change will be unnecessary, but I go through times in which I am particularly and painfully aware of changes that need to take place in my heart. in my personality. in my habits. in every facet of my being, really.

The biggest one I can think of (perhaps because it is by far the longest-running?) is being absolutely adamant with myself that I spend some time exclusively with God, reading His book ("Life-Instruction-Manual-So-Why-Don't-We-Read-It" as we call it over here at 2B). Every day. Intentional time spent meditating on it, not just incidental--not just when I'm driving, or when it occurs to me, or when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep. I feel the need for this committment to communion all the time, and yet it's rare that I consistently feed this need.

Similarly, my prayer life sucks. Over the years, I have somewhat subconsciously fallen into the thinking (and this is a simplified explanation) that I don't need to pray about anything, really, as God is going to do whatever he wants/needs to do anyway. This is not true! If I have learned ANYthing from my roommate, it's the importance and effectiveness of prayer. Especially concerning guidance in my own life. Praying for other people's needs has always come a lot more easily than praying for my own (this is not out of selflessness, but out of the fact that it's just easier for me to think/worry about other people than about myself).

I need to be warmer. I used to be an all-around friendly person, but over the last two years or so, I've been saving that for friends, and have begun to give strangers the shaft. Maintaining my emotional reserve, plus staying focused on the task at hand...well, that's crap. It's un-Christlike. That's all that needs to be said.

I need to be more responsible with my time. Time wasted affects my availability to be there for and serve other people. Enough said there.

I need to be more responsible with my body. Maybe I think skipping exercise for two months and eating all junk for two weeks straight is fine now, but it won't be one day, and maybe I won't have time to break my bad habits then?.. Maybe it sounds pretty material, but I think it's important. Body = temple = not ours.

I need to remember that the people in my life won't be around forever...I am very privileged to have all four grandparents alive and now all living in the Triangle, but I rarely take time to hang out with them. Especially my grandfather who's in an Alzheimer's home, because his case is quite advanced and it makes me "uncomfortable." Well, it's called "get over yourself, Melinda." That's so hard, though...



Funny how I love the "idea" of change--I hate for things to be static. I love for new things to happen in my life, for things to get shaken up, even when it's unexpected. But when it's a change I'm supposed to actively affect? That's a whole different ballgame, sir. *Sigh.* That takes work.

Monday, March 19, 2007

blahdeeblahblahblah

I am so very glad that coolhandluke is back together and making new music. they never fail to move me... and for some reason, their music seems to consistently have more depth than just about anything else I ever listen to.

my cough/lack of voice has me banished from my office, so it looks like i've got another day ahead of catching up on life, which is exciting. Thank goodness. Maybe i'll actually, finally finish updating my resume.

I played the Robert Frost piece tonight @ my friend's senior composition showcase...i'm so proud of her. i adore that piece. i miss playing classical music. i miss playing in a band. i miss music so much. i'm trying to be ok with thinking that God has let the musica temporarily evaporate so that i can concentrate on looking for a job.

speaking of haciendome falta, i miss painting too. and photography. and playing outside! shoot! I really must find a way to quit working and just do whatever I want all the time.

I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least for a while, to not want to run away from the Triangle. I feel very pulled to stay here (and by "stay," I mean move back to Raleigh), but the idea of fresh starts in new places is enticing. but no, i don't think that's for me. yet.

I'm remembering now how I can't write everything I really want on here. Does it sound sad to admit that I really wish I had someone to whom I could easily tell everything, absolutely everything, knowing that that person wanted to hear every word and never wished I would go away? Ha. I'm not sure that's possible, as I am always wanting to say some ridiculous thing or another. It's kind of funny that my friends have learned when to ignore the nonsense that comes out of my mouth; saves some embarrassment.

A girl can dream, though.

I would also like to say, the proliferation of Scrubs reruns on cable (plus NEW episodes) matched against the total lack of new Office material is putting Scranton in the hotseat. what gives?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

always back here.

this is where I am
this is never finishing a poem these days
this is never getting out what I want to say
this is thinking that it's all crap, all the unfinished words
and the crazy-talk thoughts that bear them
this is the swirling of weighty thoughts that craze me down
this is needing to get a life, get cleaned up,
this is needing to quit living for myself
so I can help somebody else
this is sick of I don't know what's going on
this is where the hell in heaven's name are you taking me?
this is clinging to your grace
this is clinging to your feet with my face pressed to the ground
this is always coming back to this
this is where I am

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Green Eyes

I am awfully jealous of those who belong to the vagabond lifestlye, and get to visit out-of-state friends on a whim, or stay out late at night downtown, or go to music festivals like Bonnaroo and SXSW...

Sure, they also might still be in school or have no health insurance or what have you, but shoo'. I'm honestly happy to have exchanged flexibility for getting rid of that nasty black cloud called Schoolwork and getting a lovely thing called A Steady Income, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the ol' days of freedom like whoa...

Friday, March 09, 2007

d'oh

I wish i could say things in much fewer words than I tend to

i wish i could focus on my music and art and my job search and my relationships all at once and with equal weight rather than each piece of my life taking its turn in the rotation to the front burner

sometimes i wish my interests and talents had less breadth and more depth. jack of all trades and master of none, I feel sometimes, but maybe there's a reason for that?

on the upside, i am exercising more.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

of fly traps and foolish teachers...et cetera.

I saw a car get pulled on my way home tonight, and the first thing I thought of was, "I'm witnessing a venus fly trap suck in its prey." No joke, that's the image I instantly saw. I'm all for police protection and such, but still, the sight of a police car on the road makes my insides shudder.

Just like reading David's psalms and such makes me feel better about feeling bipolar sometimes, something I read in one of Paul's Corinthian letters the other day made me feel better about how often I feel foolish for saying some of the things I do, but still feel compelled to say them. Ah ok yes 2 Cor. 11 -- "don't think that i have lost my wits to talk like this...i'm talking like a fool again...i know i sound like a madman, but..." I know that presented like this, it's a bit out of context, but reading it was so interesting to me...i've somehow never noticed this nuance before and I really appreciate it. It makes me "feel better," yes, but it also seems to cut down any excuse i have for being down on myself for those kinds of things--they obviously didn't let it hinder them.

Out of the blue today the younger sister of my childhood best friend, who died from an asthma attack a year or so after I moved here from CA, Myspaced me. She had been looking through old yearbooks, she said. I read some of her blog posts and it seems the loss of her sister is still something to which she's very far from being reconciled. it made my heart hurt a lot for her...i haven't responded yet. i think i'll be mulling over this one a bit longer.

Roommatechelle and i have often ruminated over the value of writing things down that we learn (in journaling, blogging, or whatever) because we are bound to forget it and need to be able to read back over it. This is true. I have now also found another edifying element of writing, specifically in the making of it public (not blogging, where maybe 5 people may read it, but publishing, where potentially many people see it): having lessons-learned scribblings put up by another as "words of wisdom" has an almost frightening element of accountability to it. One hopes that one could practice what one preaches -- but it's still kind of scary, in a good way, to think about. If that made any sense at all.

uh,

this is simply mesmerizing


and i accidentally stumbled upon a well-articulated argument against illegal downloading, originally found here courtesy of Lovedrug's Michael Shepard

and 'accidentally stumbled' is kind of redundant, isn't it

oh well

Monday, March 05, 2007

booo.

I hate having to admit that mine "is not a bad life," because there are times when I can appreciate that self-admission about as much as the annoying, unhelpful life advice we all sometimes get from well-meaning-but-not-very-thoughtful individuals.

I should feel bad for wanting to complain. I mean, I've written a freaking article on that, but....gosh, I would just like for people to listen and sympathize without my feeling greedy or foolish. And by sympathize, I actually mean contrive a way to fix all my issues/disappointments/uncertainties... :) Oh my.

The feeling I keep getting is just that I want to be more than "getting by" -- I want something explicitly happy to happen to me. Something better than having a weekend I actually don't have to go in to work, better than finally getting around to starting a painting, better than somehow having enough money to pay my bills yet again. I feel very selfish in saying that, but it's true. I want some kind of big happy thing, on the scale of:
-finding a job I can at least tolerate more (or, gasp, maybe even like??), which I must assume is inevitable lest I lose my mind
-meeting someone with whom i can realistically see myself spending the rest of my life, which history has shown both unpredictable and unlikely for the time being
-finding someone who can fill the shoes of roommatchelle the way she has, which I don't see as possible but I'm trying to keep an open mind
-win the lottery, which would be miraculously big in and of itself since I don't buy lottery tickets

These types of things are the types of things that have propelled me to want to move to Spain, to Portland, to London. Because big change = big distraction = forgetting momentarily that "no matter where I go, there I am."

And I'm sure one of the aforementioned individuals would like to point out Psalm 37:4, which I (1) try to do regardless of what I think God will give me, and (2) don't do very well/consistently anyway. And it's not like people ever take that verse out of context, no, not that one! :P

So in short...I've nothing to be depressed about, certainly, so I guess it's good that I'm not. Which actually is a pretty "big" thing, in a way. But I'm just a whiny human being today. Though I feel like this post has served its purpose, at least until the next time the steam builds up. Thanks for "listening." :)

Saturday, March 03, 2007

some folly for your day

this post is dedicated to some men who, if i met them, i would marry, if they let me. not all of them together, of course, as i'm pretty convinced that polygamy is not sanctioned by God.

but yes, this guy, because he takes striking photgraphs, travels the world and writes some very good words,

and this* lady-respectin'/drum-bashin'/sample makin' guy of course because, um, if you are well acquainted with my music habits you have seen how obsessed i can be after i've been to a show. i don't really know what to say to that, except have you seen this guy go?
*i was at this show, so i'm pretty sure that was me he was looking out for, there at the end. isn't he just sweet?

[who knows what he really looks like beneath the ever-worn beard, but] this guy, simply because of his song "Hold You In My Arms." it's reason enough for me.

any of these three guys, okay just two as one is married, because these once-amateur filmmakers' passion for both art and social justice has done incredible, incredible things.

...and i have to put one more of my sometimes-obsession, in honor of his being the only celebrity in the world who has reduced me to the ranks of those with starstruck crushes. oh well.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

el Señor nos promete

Contrary to what I had anticipated, last night just got worse and worse! For a while.

I declined my habit's request to play the iPod on the drive home from work. I've been listening to an audio version of A Tale of Two Cities, especially when I'm bored or want to be distracted, but my gut wouldn't let me go there last night...as much as I wanted to forget, I didn't want to forget on purpose.

So I thought, and thoughtandthoughtandthought, and then prayed that God would use this, use me, got scared, then prayed aloud, "You're going to have to hold my hand through this," then promptly burst into tears. Sobbed down highway 42, felt sick, drove to dear friends' house, they weren't home. Went directly to praise band practice instead, good thing, I was the only vocalist who showed. Noticed I was shaking a bit while pulling out the music, started singing, started to feel better. "Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place; though I walk in the wilderness, blessed be Your name...Your strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow; great is Thy faithfulness...And as I look upon your name, circumstances fade away. Now your glory steals my heart...Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art. Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, ruler of all."

I had another song on my brain last night too, though I couldn't quite place it, couldn't remember the words...went home, looked it up, remembered how much I do love Cool Hand Luke:

"Hey, it's me
I'm sorry it's so late
I can't sleep
I knew you'd be awake
You're always home
Waiting by the phone
For nights like these
When I'm feeling all alone
...You're the one who comforts me
When everyone has gone away
...I will keep on singing because You hear me
And I will keep on smiling because You're near me
I'll sleep well on a promise tonight."


And I did.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

i have to say this now

I have to vent this. except, 'vent' has an angry connotation to it, and i am not angry. heartbroken is a more apt word for the moment

or not so much for the moment, but for this period of September-June. my apprenticeship, as they call it. The more earthly parts of me wonder how i ended up here--a far, far cry from the non-profit sector professional development I thought I was signing up for. I work with people living with HIV/AIDs, and some of them are healthy, some of them are not so much, and some of them, we are surprised to find as we arrive to work each morning, have (just barely) made it another day.

my heart is breaking for the people who suffer under this disease,
my heart is breaking for the maltreatment they experience at the hands of both individuals and whole communities,
my heart is breaking for those who are bitter, see no hope and wish only to die,
my heart is breaking for the failure of the Church to love my modern-day lepers,
my heart is breaking for the many people who are as ignorant as I was six months ago, or worse--those who are beligerantly condemning.

but more than anything else, so much more than any of that,

my heart is breaking for how little everyone around me knows of God and his Son. Clients and co-workers alike. If they see God at all, it's only as one who bestows his merciful love and wants nothing in return, a being who exists as assurance for poor mortals that their suffering will inevitably end one day. The name of God is merely used as a comfort; the name of Christ does not exist here at all, that I can see. Most times, I wonder if anyone here knows Christ -- is it really possible that I'm the only one??? How could that be?

So many people acknowledge God's sovereignty, it seems, but they dance around with only that idea and nothing more, and it's almost as though for that, they're further away from Christ than the aetheist himself. That's a cruel irony that hurts more than almost anything.

I could never do this for "real"...I am amazed at and admiring of believers who are called by God to go into any kind of social aid, be it medicine or social work. Today at lunch my dad asked if I would take a job here if they offered it--or I should say, he started to ask, but didn't finish, as my laughter interrupted him.

I'm not jaded or bitter; I've said numerous times and still maintain that I wouldn't go back and choose a different path if I had a chance, and I don't believe I could possibly regret my having been here once my time is over. I just don't have the heart to be in this beyond the end I have already been given. I recently remarked to a friend that I can hardly see how it's possible to work with such in-your-face mortality and hold onto both your faith and your emotional sanity. Maybe such a perpetual reminder of the believer's burden is a good thing, but...I just don't know how people handle it.

Regardless of how I may be alternately grateful for and disgusted with how I "deal," a certain brand of stoicism becomes something of an art here. I'm usually pretty good about keeping it all reined in, and this is only the second time I've broken down behind the closed door of my office, but I just have to say this.

and prayer is the only thing i have to abate the heartache, i think.

Friday, February 23, 2007

good words

Brad Talley has been posting at a blog since his and Linda's trial began. It's pretty cool, I'm telling you, to read these sermonettes, the lessons of which supercede even their situation. Today's post really caught my attention, for some reason.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

whoooshh"wwh...whahappened?"

It's Thursday?

That's awfully exciting. Not because I particularly like Thursdays (certainly not this one, as I have to work late again), but because it's already Thursday...I feel like I just started the work week.

And it's been like that for weeks now, with my time crashing forward, measured in eyeblinks. I love it.

9 days from now I will be exactly 3/5 of the way through my apprenticeship. Before I know it, it'll be June and graduation...and then I can finally, finally start The Next Phase. Whatever the heck that is.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

oopsie daisy baby

I bet I'll never be stopping
the spilling of overgrown words
They fall out of my mouth, roll off my hand,
and who knows where they land but
I'll be saying them anyway, everyday always

Though they may seem not to fit,
though at the trying on of them
they seem too much meant for the sophisticate,
their pith and marrow fill my own bones
and make me feel strong and sharp and able,
helping me pretend that I am wise and
can handle the handfuls of whatnot,
can step over the wretched tripping clods
that let me forget-them-not,
that trip my baby feet and steal my baby breath

Funny though
how someone with such a supposed arsenal at her disposal
will dance around, weapon in hand,
that which she really means--
See me dancing and maybe I'm kicking up ramparts
to stall the running of marrow that matters
to the bones of my heart--

But who knows
maybe one day I'll be dancing up to the top of the walls
some strange melody lulling me to sense of safety
and with me singing away
like the Shakespearean apes,
I'll accidentally say everything I mean

Monday, February 19, 2007

lovely, dark and deep

Robert Frost was such a master at his craft.

His "Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening" has always spoken to me with its gently beautiful imagery, but I think the part that speaks to me most strongly is the last three lines, particularly the third-to-last. Something about "but I have promises to keep" has always called to mind such a tender affection for his family (how I've imagined it since I first read it) that it makes me want to close my eyes and smile.

That, and the fact that I will forever associate this poem with the song my friend wrote around it. It's so amazingly beautiful, and she wrote me into it, and we haven't played it in a couple years but now her senior composition recital is coming up and it's being revived as one of the selections. I just came back from rehearsal and I feel like dancing slowly through falling snow. :)

Everybody should come hear it and the rest of her showcase, March 19. :)

I just love these words.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteous;
No merit of my own I claim
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace;
In every high and story gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, his covenant, his blood
Sustain me in the raging flood;
When all supports are washed away,
He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in him be found,
Clothed in his righteousness alone,
Redeemed to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

the LONG (and short) of it

It's really cold in the apartment, but I'm glad because it means my roommate remembered to turn the heat down while we were both gone for the weekend....i'm proud of her :) (I won't tell you the $amount on our embarrassingly high power bill we received last month that is now prompting the turning down of the heat whenever we are gone.)

On the way home from my PA retreat, I ended up at my friend's house and consequently met her girlfriend, an encounter to which I had somewhat uncomfortably been trying to figure out how to respond. I don't want to act in a way that would imply approval on my part, right? Shouldn't be standoffish for obvious reasons; shouldn't be overeager, either, because that would look like I'm compensating for what my friend pretty much already knows are my views...what to do? Then I realized what a silly internal conversation this was, and was kind of ashamed, as I shouldn't have even been thinking about how I was going to "treat" her girlfriend. I should just show her some love like I would anyone else, because she is anyone else. Yes, it was confusing/discomforting to have the opposite of my belief acted out before me (particularly given that I kept forgetting her gf was a girl, and given they were publicly quite a touchy-feely couple, which I always find a little unsettling regardless of the sexuality of the pair), but I also think our society (not just the Church) has been erroneous in placing such a huge amount of focus on homosexuality relative to other issues. And that's as far as I'm going on that for now.

I wanted to run this evening, which would not be a remarkable statement for most people, but is for me, given that I hate running. Well, except when I find myself in a suddenly high-stress situation, in which case I feel the need to sprint for about five minutes...but that's it. But today, partly because I'd been cooped up in the car for so many hours this weekend, partly because I've been feeling generally unhealthy these past weeks (months) due to my total lack of exercise and ridiculously poor eating habits, I really wanted to run it out for at least half an hour (in case you missed the point I previously tried to make, this desire has never before presented itself in my entire life. Actually that's not true; it happened once before, my junior year of college). All that to say, once I got home, I was sorely disappointed to find that it is freaking cold (which had been counted on; had already been planning during the drive home what could be worn to compensate), and unreasonably blustery (not counted on; more than my non-running-loving self could muster up the courage to face). Darn it all, I hope my going to sleep tonight does not somehow reset this desire back to nil. They say running is the fastest way to get into shape. They say.
On the drive home I was thinking about various "unrealized possibilities" in my life, and laughed to myself upon realizing the double entendre of the phrase, and how both meanings are very appropriate. Huh.

I have been contemplating of late just how much I crave everyday interaction with fellow believers, particularly in the workplace. I am wondering if I went from being in a completely "Christian-y" internship last year to purposefully jumping into a very "secular" program this year, just to soon end up back in the Christian-y world (at least for a spell), which honestly is what a lot of me wants right now. But if that is what God wants, I'll be okay with all these switchbacks.

I'm reading Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now, and while I do not espouse its rep of living up to its name, it has made me think (i.e., worry) even more than before about how scary it will be to be a parent, and how I'm afraid I will be at a total loss for how to relate to/do right by my children, and how every word I breathe to them will be accompanied by a running stream of prayer, mainly as a means of protecting my child from myself. I pray for them once in a while already, too, which sounds silly, but given my familial neuroses it cannot be a bad idea...at the very least, it can't hurt.

On the one hand, I think it's weird that the rm and I are tenaciously single, given that [we think] we are, minus some inevitable foibles, pretty awesome; pretty not-crazy-in-the-bad-way; pretty good catches. Please don't hold this against us; we are not conceited, I assure you. While we have our occasional insecurities, we just happen to have relatively healthy levels of esteem for ourselves, at least in the match-worthy department. I recognize that it's uncommon for a girl to say this about herself rather than a friend, but "it's pretty strange that I haven't been snapped up" is honestly part of our thought processes.

On the other hand, I was reminded again of how anytime I see in someone any characteristic I deem attractive in a man, my first instinct is to retreat, which is a very backwards way of going about things. For a second I thought I might not say that once I saw its punniness but I shall leave there because, let's face it, I like puns; my dad has been infecting me with that embarrassing sense of humor basically ever since I learned to talk. Anyway, yes, I'm pretty certain that "attract" being a part of the phrase "attractive characteristics," there is little sense in said characteristics causing the observer, me, to be driven away, that being quite the opposite of attract. But of course, that is a very basic (and admittedly hyper-sensitive) display of the choice I outlined in the first part of my "road to love" metaphor from earlier, the part about letting yourself start down the road in the first place. But anyway, yeah, dear God, when will I stop being my own worst enemy? Good grief.

Being at the beach this weekend and lamenting the terrible inadequacy of my point-and-shoot has renewed my desire to save up for a dSLR...something recently put more in my reach upon my realizing that there are good-quality amateur dSLR's for well below $1,000...que bueno :) I'm just going to try to not think about all the car repairs that must suck my bank account dry before I can even allow myself to look at cameras.

I am in the middle of a personal musical-and-otherwise-artistic renaissance of sorts, and am fairly bursting with it, I wish you could see! Maybe you will soon. And the poetry, ohmygoodnessthepoetry, it's always making my right hand twitch. I've got to learn to tocar la guitarra, or I will just die from the bottled-up words. Just die, yes. :P

and I applaud you, Brittany, for just up and doing that which I have only been able to threaten to do for years. although you do look a little weird.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

thoughts on You Know What

[no comments, please, on how this post's subject matter has nothing to do with today's holiday, what with all its commercialized glory and such...that is quite beside the point. not that there is a point; these are just some thoughts/opinions I've gathered over the years.]

  • While it does make me sad to see how there are so many things mistakenly given the love-label, I've had to concede that, to an extent, real love may still look different for different people.

That being said, though,

  • I don't understand how people can think they really love someone they've never met/barely know at all...that's just weird to me
  • I don't think love can possibly reach its full potential unless it goes both ways...you may think you love me, but only when I love you back will you really know what love is. I don't care if that makes me sound vain :P
  • I pray I never have to fall in love more than once. But I don't believe the idea is an impossibility, in general.
  • I think the biggest barrier (and yet one so overlooked) to having a healthy relationship, between believers at least, is when you consistently love your significant other more than you love the Lord. seriously.
  • I completely do not believe in "the One" philosophy, not just because there are already pressures enough without thinking like that, but also because I don't think God would be so cruel as to orchestrate our lives in a "one shot and you're out" kind of way. He's not like that with his love, so why would romantic love be different?
  • I think love = something you decide to do (I hate to be so pragmatic, but this is just the way I see it). My (admittedly oversimplifying) analogy: at the beginning, you have to choose to let yourself walk down that road; then, there's a stretch during which you couldn't jump off the path, even if your life depended on it; and finally, further down the road you will at times have to choose to keep walking it.

That's enough for now.

So i counted, and I said the word "love" 13 times...if you're off throwing up somewhere, I apologize, I guess...even though what I'm really thinking is that you should get over it. :P

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Christmas Adventure

this was shot on location at my parents' house not one, but two Christmases ago...that fact that it has evolved into what you now see before you is a testament to just how much free time Rick Hinson has.

Monday, February 12, 2007

tre' cosa'

1. Once again, I find myself in an uncommon fence-sitting position regarding Valentine's Day, also known to the bitter as Singles' Awareness Day, that celebration of love and affection to some and a shameless corporate promoter/exploiter of materialism to others. This year, like every year since grade-school parties lost their charm (or really, existence), I am ambivalent. I neither look forward to the day nor loathe its coming. Sometimes I laugh because I wonder if don't I have better reason to march around bitterly spouting anti-V-day sentiments than most people, but really, I probably don't...especially since I consider myself actually better off for having never loved rather than having loved and lost. Personally.

My excited anticipation of/anxiousness about V-day is pretty much limited to the chocolate--I love it, but dread the impending icky feeling when I inevitably eat too much.

2. I just read about somebody who has this little anxiety that makes her want to abandon her plans for going out as they begin to near; she'd rather stay home, and can easily talk herself/rationalize her way out of going. It was very interesting, because I am the exact same way (just ask roommatechelle), and I'd never heard of anyone else having that weird personality quirk (not talking about depressed people who never want to go out, period--that's different).

I think it's mainly my introversion expressing itself, though generally in a detrimental way, I'd say, because I am in fact fairly split down the middle with the intro/extraversion, and the two parts tend to war with each other. Experience has taught me that if I want to stay out of trouble, when I feel most like abandoning my plans and staying in is actually when I most need to make myself leave the house. I think I'm definitely getting better about it, though...right roommatechelle? :)

3. Regardless of whether you're an extra- or intravert, regardless of your opinions on V-day, you just must agree that the video below is one of the most amazing things you've ever seen.

Rahzel - BEATBOX (LIVE)

can i learn to do this, please? thanks.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

beauty in the Truth

Michelle wrote a post yesterday that encapsulates a lot of my own thoughts regarding the events of late, but I'll continue to add a few more here..

Mich and I sat up late last night talking out all of this, just trying to process everything. It is so hard to believe still...I hadn't even really understood until last night that, basically, a miracle will literally have to happen if Linda is to live more than a few months. I don't know why "inoperable brain tumor" hadn't made me realize this before, but for some reason, the past few days I've just kind of had my eyes closed to the gravity of the situation. I even let myself sleep through church Sunday because I didn't really want to hear them talk about it, I guess.

You get used to hearing prayer requests coming from somewhere far off...but it's unreal when something like this comes from one of your own.

The last time I saw Linda was two weeks ago last night, at Bible study. Then she and Brad were out the last week, because Brad was sick...last night, they were gone because she is sick in a very different way, and according to doctors, chances are such that she'll never be back. I can't even grasp that, not quite. Getting there, but not yet.

Brad sent out a long email to the church this morning, and I couldn't even get through it all the first time I tried to read it (not because it was sad, but because Brad mainly wrote to thank the church and to encourage us! Us! And because he was pointed in communicating that regardless of what he wants, and what we all want, he and his family are so graciously yielding, ultimately, to whatever it is that God intends.)

I cried the entire 45 minutes it took me to drive to work this morning...I really don't know why. Michelle and I are both overwhelmed with everything, including how profoundly/how personally we are affected by this, because while we know Brad and Linda better than a lot of people, maybe, we also don't know them as well as lot of other people. I think a lot of what's overwhelming to us is the strange mix of feelings -- sad, naturally, hopeful/at least trying to be, amazed that Brad continues to minister to his flock about this while it's his wife who's sick, grateful and touched that our church has rallied together and around the Talleys as the bride of Christ ought to, blessed to be a part of that. I think that's why we feel it so strongly, too--mich & I were talking about how amazing it is to really feel like we are ingrained into the fabric of this church family. And with Linda being woven into that fabric so deeply, I guess it only makes sense.

We gathered for prayer over at the church building tonight, and while God knows composure is a hard thing to maintain under those circumstances (at least for me), there was something incredibly and richly beautiful about the experience...I can't stop thinking about how, in a situation that is supposed to be very wrong, there are so many things that just seem right..

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

So....this is a strange thing to put up on here, partly because I'm having a hard time believing it...but my church really covets your prayers right now for our pastor and his wife. Over the weekend, she (Linda) was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor of the most aggressive kind of cancer. The biopsy was yesterday, and I believe that radiation treatment is to begin shortly. There isn't much more information at the moment.

Please pray for all the family that is at this moment gathered in Raleigh; for Brad as he copes with this heartbreaking news, that he would experience the resilience of heart that comes only from the Lord; for Linda, that she would experience the same, and that her body would respond positively to treatment; for all the medical staff engaged along every step of the process ahead; for our church, that we would know how to best support this couple we love so much...

I just thought of how it's strange not to want to pray "that God's will be done" for fear of what that might be, but still, to pour all of this entirely into his hands is surely the best thing anyone can do.

Monday, February 05, 2007

2 seemingly unrelated but possibly related things

1) Does anyone else in Raleightown get bummed out by the fact that all the 'good' shows seem to come to Charlotte and Chapel "Thrill" only? Which would not be a problem, were said shows on a weekend night...but no. They are nearly always on a Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Or Thursday or Sunday. Or Monday.

...^ + day job + need at least 7 hours of sleep = I have to miss out on way too many fun shows.

2) I am again in a "let's move to England" phase (a recurring theme that varies in degrees of earnestness), the diction of which is interesting in and of itself, "let's" being a contraction for "let us," and "us" implying someone in addition to myself. An idea originally founded in tara shannon's proposition that we move there "one day/in two years." Well, Shannon my dear, I am looking for what to do/where to go in the coming months, but sadly/wonderfully you have gained an amazing job here in the States.

I wish I would stop being not-very-serious about it just try to move there for a bit. I always have this feeling that I would fit in better there; not sure what that means, exactly, but it goes beyond my having fair skin and freckles, I assure you. Too bad I have a phobia of moving alone to places where I know no one.

3) I know I said two, but here is a third: this morning as I was getting ready for work, I turned my head for something or another, why is not the point, the point is that as my head completed this turn I heard a crunching noise in my neck, and now I cannot turn my head at all to the left. At the time this was somewhat disconcerting; at the moment it is very annoying/me duele mucho, as you can imagine. Once again, not doing well with that "quit doing stupid/harmful things to body" resolution.

This time it really wasn't my fault, though...at least I've got that. But I'll tell ya, it makes for really awkward driving.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

not that you should care,

but I am proud to say that for the past two days I have been decently successful in lifting myself out of a life-funk by exchanging my "depressing music," as roommatechelle [probably aptly] calls it, for a nice bubbly mix of piano rock, thoughtless techno dance beats and pretty pop confections, as they say...thank you, Jamie Cullum, Ben Folds, Dave Barns, Killers, Jack Johnson, Matt Wertz, Jon McLaughlin, Andy Davis, Jewel...thank you. [Thank you, pop music; I'm glad you're not as terrible and worthless as I once thought.]


I'm also proud to say I survived today's 12-hour workday with grace, aplomb and professionalism. Haha, just kidding; I did no such thing...but I'm okay with that. :)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

yo amo.

i love

nature.creating things.chocolate.accents originating from Britain.trying to use accents originating from Britain.Costa Rica.B&W photography.closure.the night sky.skiing.traveling.sunsets.having conversations in Spanish.NYC.the idea of love.red nail polish.when someone understands you.[good] surprises.christmas lights in the country.good writing.writing.theater.a snow-covered landscape.a good workout.songs that speak to me.World Market clearances.poetry.playing with makeup.my journal.my iPod.novels.making people laugh.candles.being quiet.being challenged.autumn foliage.funny little kids.pretending I'm a torch singer.horses.ballet.salsa dancing.good food.being random.the changing of seasons.a moving string arrangement.family reunions.dance techno.Pawleys Island.cool words.the feeling you have on the car-ride home from an amazing show.puppies (who doesn't?).knowing God will always be here for me, regardless of how stupid i am.genuine fellowship.downtowns.hugs.rollercoasters.finding the right puzzle piece for a song or a sentence.old friends.new friends.change.growing.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Revelaciones

In my bi-weekly program trainings, we have to talk about our "revelations"...a time during which I am usually quietly chuckling to myself, because mine are not generally revelations that I care to share with my co-workers.

Here are a few from the past few days:

-I think I love dramatic songs (whether lyrically or musically) partly because I get some kind of vicarious pleasure out of them. Because apparently I'm bored with my life again.

-I really, really miss being a part of the music scene. (At Coffeehouse last night, I came up with the idea that if I can't do it, maybe I can just marry an established musician and live vicariously through him, and it was suggested that I move to Nashville...what do you think? "Hi, are you a successful musical artist? No? It was nice talking to you." I'm sure I could parlay it into a hit reality show, at the very least.)

-I hate giving advice to people. I'd much prefer to just be there for them, sympathize with them and try to be an uplifting and/or objectively logical and neutral presence (depending on the nature of the situation). I think under a lot of circumstances, advice-giving is presumptuous at best, and a great burden of responsibility at worst.

also,

-I think I dislike giving advice particularly because people tend to toss it out so flippantly, and it rubs me the wrong way when people do that. "Don't worry, it'll work out/you'll figure it out!"..."Just be patient; it'll happen when it's the right time"..."Just trust God"....Thank you, so much, for those things which I have never before thought of myself. Not.
-Sometimes people don't know what to say, I guess...although sometimes, nothing needed to be said, so I don't know why they do.
-I think that's why, unless I really trust someone, I tend to keep my issues and questions to myself. (I don't count blogging...obviously :P. The burden of a response is virtually nonexistant; you can say whatever you want and no one needs to attempt to retreat from social discomfort by offering one of the aforementioned catchphrases.)
-Taking advice from someone near my age seems pretty laughable a lot of the time. Unless you've already been in a situation remarkably similar to mine, I'd prefer you to be at least almost twice my age; then we can talk.
-I think what I appreciate the most (and therefore, how I tend to respond to people) is not when people give advise to me, but when they speculate with me. Not that I don't seek advice outright; I do that too, but more often than not I'd rather simply talk things out. I think that's one reason roommatechelle and I get along so well....

Speaking of the good woman, she just posted a contribution to the growing World of Pith...Starbucks, conflict diamonds and good world citizenship. go read.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

My pithy question of the day:

Is it wrong to eat Oreos like they're chips?



And of course, to accompany Pithy Question of the Day, we must have Pithy Quote, this time supplied by the great and inspirational Dwight Schrute: "There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon."

Saturday, January 27, 2007

oh my...



is what i have to say about my frame of mind
tonight when i am reaching out,
feeling around for something that is not there
and goodness knows my arm is getting tired
from all the stretching
that happens not just this night
but every night of my life until...
...until...
...?



Friday, January 26, 2007

Dear Diary

This morning I scalded my hand with boiling water from the tea kettle, and my hand is definitely swollen. I am amazed that I still manage to do things like this. Not doing very well with that NY's resolution.

I need to pray about *life* so much more than I do. Strange how it's much easier for me to sing to God than to talk to him. i'm not down with that.

As usual, people all around me are falling in love and getting engaged and married and it's somewhat distressing, because I am so incredibly not privy to any of that, and never have been in 23 years. Never even close, really, and I'll admit it; that bothers me. Kind of a lot, actually. The other thing that bothers me is how much "all that" can consume a person (me). I'm very glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated in dealing with said consumption and misplaced focus (roommatechelle, thank you). Sometimes I'm afraid all the advice in the world isn't going to make me feel/do better.

Resolution review: #21, check. Only 41 more to go.

Topic of Tuesday's Bible study: discerning between your want and God's will. Thanks, Donnie, for bringing it up and then not giving us an answer I understand. We are still stuck. Should I move because I want to get away from what I perceive to be a static, hanging-in-the-balance life? Or because there's somewhere else that God wants me? Etc, etc.

The catch for that particular question is, of course, the fact that the newness and hubbub of a move will only be a temporary solution. What I want, what I'm looking for isn't going to be found in a new house, and probably not even a new city, and I know it.

Shoot.

Damien Rice, Damien Jurado, Gus Black, Joshua Radin, Ray LaMontagne, The Swell Sound, Patty Griffin........I need to stop listening to people like them! They are so heartwrenchingly poignant and beautiful that I can't help but to stick to them like glue, but sometimes they can be so damn pensive that they're probably no good for anyone with introspective tendencies. It's like a drug addiction you know you should shake, but don't really want to.....


Time to move on; it's Friday, and there's another long weekend ahead..

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Evolution: A Distortion of Beauty

[courtesy of Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty]


i had to watch it twice, it was so crazy to me

Thursday, January 18, 2007

OH Thursday nights, you slay me

So it's probably the mark of a sappy loser if your eyes water while watching certain Office scenes and it's not always just from laughing. But that, my friends, is what happened tonight and I am said loser. And then I watched the amazing musical Scrubs that followed. SO out of the emotional heartstring-pulling of The Office and the kitschy goodness of Scrubs, plus my New Year's resolution to learn to be more honest, I present to you this weird tribute to the magic and power of television, music and honesty.

Since I cannot sing it to you, it will help to think about song styles such as those of the Little Mermaid's "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and Hair's "Hair." And of course, the critically acclaimed Scrubs musical, if you happened to have seen it.

(Brought to you by the first time I've gone to the gym in two months and the hyperactivity produced therein.)

This poemsong is dedicated to T. Shannon Prasad, because even if no one else can appreciate it, I know she will.

Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, "Oh Idiosyncratic Me."



If you don't think it's weird
that I love scifi and ballet
and I talk out loud in Spanish
if there's no one else to hear,

If you don't shrink in fear
to know that I have little tact
and that sometimes Office scenes
...well, they make me tear,

If you don't think it's silly
I turn red for no good reason
and my laughs are big explosions uncontrolled,
and I sing torch songs in the shower
but don't know how to be a flirt
and I wear flip-flops even when it's freezing cold,

And I talk extremely loudly
when I'm hyper and excited
and I'm type B but write up lists for everything,
and I start a lot of projects
that I'll probably never finish
and I think chocolate's not a want--it is a need,

If you won't think something's wrong
when I sing random words out loud
or when I'm staring with a frown (it means I'm thinking),
If you don't want to run and hide
when in the corner of your eye
you see me dancing 'round the room like I'm a gypsy,

If you can lovingly put up
with all these idiosyncracies,
well, dear, why don't you just hurry up,
hurry up and get here please!

I knoooow I'm only twenty-threeee,

But, heavens, I'm alreeeeeady twennnnnnty-threeeeeeeee!

In short:

Whoever you may be,
If you're not bothered that I'm crazy,
you could be the one for me!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

so,

who's with
me?


there's jousting and swordfights. need i say more?

(you think i'm kidding?)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

on music.

(just because)

I go through my phases, and I do enjoy a pretty good variety of music, but I always find myself wandering back to the same favorite style--the poignant, melt-in-your-mouth, rich-yet-restrained style that makes me want to close my eyes and listen (and wish I had written it first). Songs like Coldplay's "See You Soon," Patty Griffin's "Peter Pan", Ray Lamontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" (*current favorite), Eva Cassidy's "Songbird," Rocky Votolato's "White Daisy Passing," Sixpence's "Tension Is a Passing Note," Norah Jones' "Nightingale," Eisley's "Just Like We Do," and Jewel's "Near You Always"...just to give you a taste. :P

I've always thought music would be a serious hobby for me and not a career, but sometimes I wonder, what if...It's such a strange thought, because I think it would have to be an accident, because for some reason, it's not something I've chased after. And those kinds of accidents rarely happen. But if an accident like that fell into my lap, I think, though surprised, I would love it. I just don't actually think that could ever happen.

I do feel like there's a lot left for me to do, though, the surface of which I've barely scratched. I hope this thing called music is a part of my life for the entire rest of it...I hate to think of getting married and getting a career and having kids and getting so wrapped up in that happy little breakneck-speed world that my music fell by the wayside as "a hobby of my youth," because that would be such a tragic shame to me. I hope that never, never never happens.



Thursday, January 11, 2007

i have a degree in what??

I had forgotten how much crap there is to wade through when anything in your job search includes the words "public relations," "communication" or "marketing." Aka, every blessed telemarketing and door-to-door sales position out there has delusions of grandeur because they ALL clog up PR postings.

Not to mention..wait...I can make $10,000/week? Can I really? And work exlusively out of my home? AND get commission? Golly, why did I go to college??? I could be a MILLIONaire by now!





"Trust me!"








grrrrrrrrrr

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

sorry, no free pen at the end...

1. Do you ever wonder why you're doing what you're doing?
2. Do you find yourself grasping for motivation (ex.: you read Col. 3:23 and then cry, "HOW??")
3. Do you feel like your priorities in life need some serious restructuring?
4. Do you agree when people say, "you don't have to have it all figured out"...but that still doesn't make you feel much better?
5. Do words like "direction" and "goals" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up?
6. Do you ask yourself, "where am I going?" all too frequently, and yet it always seems like the first time you've really been faced with any of it?
7. Do you feel like you are in a unique situation in life to which no one can possibly relate, all the while knowing that to be patently false?
8. Do you like to use big words because that's about the only thing that makes you feel like an adult?



If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, then...let's talk. And form a support group or something.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

bleh

i'm going on seven days sick now, horray, it's so much fun

whatever it is i've got, won't you please leave me alone? i kind of have a life to live and you are making me have no life except for being asleep all the time in darkness and it's getting depressing, thanks....being alone with my in-and-out-of-consciousness thoughts is getting reallllly tiresome too...the nonstop company of your own mind can be such a drag


i wish i could wake up tomorrow and it be saturday and spring so i could go play outside in the sunshine

sidenote: I've found that, with a few exceptions, music can intensify whatever state-of-mind one is in, and so one probably ought to take care not to misuse it...although i almost always do. it's so very strange, though, the way one's mood can be dictated, or at least influenced, by music. it's one reason i think music is one of the most powerful things in the world.