Beatboxing Flute and Cello @ Union Square

justine and I have some work to do if we're going to catch up.

ohhh, but CATCH UP WE WILL. watch out, new york. or maybe, buies creek.

Speed Painting by Nexx -

one of my favorite artists, and...another one of my favorite artists.

timing

People talk a lot about God's timing. Sometimes I wonder if we attribute too much to it -- confusion, disappointment, lacking, [insert another negatively connotated noun here]. Maybe some things just happen (obviously, not outside the realm of God's knowledge and control, but I'm just saying it's possible we look too much into things sometimes?...) Maybe we also ought to be attributing good things to God's timing. And by good, I don't mean actually negative stuff that we mask as good in the God-light just so we feel better.

But that's probably one of those heart-changes that requires God's help. Which we probably have to remember to ask for.

Anyway, at the risk of sounding like I'm doing said masking, this was all prompted by my recent thoughts of what my life is doing. Eh, that sounded passive, didn't it--okay, what I'm doing with my life. Up until early this year I've had my fingers into all kinds of various and random activities that made my life more complicated, more full and more fun. Now, I feel like I'm in a season of evaporation. My desire to write, whether articles, in my journal or on my blog, has trickled to a near-nothing [edit: after further thought, I realized that's not true...the mental scribblings are still scrawling about just as much as ever; it's just that these days I feel so distractingly guilty if I ever indulge them into life that I can hardly focus once I begin]; all my musical projects have essentially faded into nonexistence; my friends are harder to get ahold of and hang out with; even my involvement with the church has declined, more via circumstances there than by my own explicit choice.

I don't mean to lump all of those things together and label them as "good" or "bad"; from where I stand, until I understand more, they simply "are." And all of it comes at a time when working on what happens to me in the next few months is very important. Essentially, where will I be working and where will I live? (What will I do; where will I go? to be more esoteric...) Nearly everything else in life seems to have taken a backseat, whether by my own choice or not (mainly not). So, I am curious, and I am embracing this season.

One thing I am doing more...reading. It is nice. It occurs to me that everything I've been doing has been output, and this one source of input has been neglected for quite a while. It is nice.

Currently reading:
Finding Manana: Memoirs of a Cuban Exodus
The Backward Life
Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith Through the Streets of America
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True

lo siento

Just so you know, this will not be a cheery post so you read further at your own expense; I am in a terrible mood and have to quickly dissipate this somewhere harmless before it dissipates in someone's face...ahem. okay. i will probably just delete this later anyway because I feel bad when people hear me complain.

I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.

Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.


Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.

Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.

Christos anesti! Cristo ha resucitado! El Messieh kahm! Khrishti unjal! Le Christ est ressuscite! Christus ist erstanden! Cristo e' risorto! Ha Masheeha houh kam! Christus is opgestaan! Hristos diril-di! Ukristu uvukile! Jesu Kristi ebiliwo! Kristus telah bangkit! Cristos vaskres!


He is risen indeed!

tick tick goes the brain

I never really thought of myself as a skittish person, but apparently....yes. Just ask roommatechelle: she startles me at least once a week simply by walking into the room. Or, for another example, there's the other day when we were on a walk, and I jumped/exclaimed because I thought a cat was coming at me...but it was my shadow. my shadow...i'd say that's the epitome of skittishness. I'm a walking cliché. Literally.

I don't really know why I felt like sharing that, except that I hope you laughed. I'm pretty sure, that's one of the main reasons for my being here on earth. (Melinda lives her normal life = people laugh...at least that's what seems to happens most days...)

Unrelatedly;

I've been thinking about self-destructive behavior lately. There are so many forms of it--You're on a quest for physical perfection. You drink too much. You dwell on [whatever] far more than is necessary. You don't take your medication. You seclude yourself. You're financially reckless. You refuse to ask for help...and on and on.

Funny thing, though, about "self-destructive" behavior: its negative effects may not be, probably are not, limited to yourself.

I think life is very much based on choices. Yes, we get dealt awkward, inconvenient, poor hands, but I think the vast majority of the time, we have choices to make within those situations, decisions that can be made toward the better, or toward or the worse. Maybe we can't fix everything...but surely we can at least minimize the pain/trouble we cause ourselves and others?

It's common sense. Or is it? So many of our actions would seem to indicate otherwise (mine included; this is far from a lecture).

Just a [possibly random/abstruse] thought.