Saturday, October 29, 2005

glimpses

every once in a while when i'm out and about in the world, this weird thing comes over me where i'll look at the person i'm passing, or see someone through the window of their house, or their car....or maybe i'll read a random blog of someone i rarely talk to or haven't talked to in ages, or hear a piece of a conversation as i walk by a table...and i'll wonder what's going on in their head, what hidden secrets are laying waste of their hearts, or what quiet joys they are treasuring, or if they are bored, or if they are having a pithy realization about something profound

or whatever.

i don't know why it's strange, but it is, when i remember that everyone else's life is just as detailed as mine. like the individuals outside my own immediate world just aren't very real or full to me unless i make a conscious effort to remember them as such.

i know that made very little sense at all, but that's often what comes out naturally, unlike the semi-premeditated structured cheese found in the post below. when i don't rein it in, my brain flies around illogically, irrationally, and most of all non-linearly, just to spite me sometimes, i think :) but i kinda like it like that (most times) because it keeps me entertained..


definitely going to stop the rambling now




----------EDIT-------------------------------------

ps, i've noticed my readers pretty much *suck* at commenting...does that mean i'm supposed to comment on other people's more? or just make more friends who are as stuck on blogging as myself...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

On Living

"Life is hard."

I learned that from Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled, in my Ethics in Mass Media class on Monday, September 20. Just kidding...that was a part of the day's lecture, but obviously, no one needs a book to tell you life's hard--to make that observation, all anyone's got to do is live.

The thing is, I could never trade these three words. Not for the world.

An easy life, to me, speaks of a life devoid of growth--a stagnant life characterized by complacency and missed opportunities. An isolated, glassy pool, placid, calm, unrippled by wind or creature, entirely still. Imagine floating on that...no dangers, no worries, with complete and unfettered serenity.

After a while, though, I imagine we would start to get bored. After a little bit longer of a while, we would notice (or maybe we wouldn't notice it right away?) a growing feeling of weakness, muscles that give way far too easily after such a lack of use. Our brain would begin to haze in the absence of stimulation. Our heart would begin to numb over, begin to forget what it was like to feel, it hadn't been touched in so long.

Now picture yourself thrashing about in a tumultuous, storm-struck ocean. Again, your muscles seem weak beyond reason, but that's because you've been fighting just to keep your mouth and lungs from filling up with water. The waves tower, they terrify, they crash down upon your head with little reason and even less mercy. All you can think about is the shock of bright blue that you know will come soon, because you remember it; you've seen it before.

And then it finally does. Clouds part and are swiftly shattered by warm, inviting rays; that bright blue sky fills your soul with wonder and relief, and you rejoice at the amazing feeling that can only come after fighting such a storm. You're sore, maybe, and surely tired, but you know you have grown stronger for it.

And there is no lack of stimulation, here in this particular ocean. Some days you'll explore all the experiences to be had in its rolling waters; some days you'll just lie on your back and enjoy white streaks of cloud chasing each other. Some nights, awestruck by the divine beauty offered to the soul, you'll drink in glorious, otherworldly colors as they stretch across the expanse of the sky and fade into a dark, twinkling velvet. Other nights you may see in the distance a patch of sky kneading itself into a swirling mass of rain and wave.

Storm or sunset, you've never felt so alive.


Life may be hard. But that's a cop-out when unaccompanied by an admission of everything else it would offer us, should we choose to see it that way.

So maybe I would trade those three words, after all, for three more...

Life is rich.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Wow..

what a crazy weekend.

and what a great song:

Secret of the Easy Yoke
by David Bazan of Pedro the Lion

I could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud Your praise
The members' faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find You anywhere

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen You
And some days I don't love You at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
But if all that's left is duty
I'm falling on my sword
At least then, I would not serve
an unseen distant Lord

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen You
And some days I don't love You at all

If this is only a test,
I hope that I'm passing

'Cause I'm losing steam
And I just want to trust You

Peace be still..

Friday, October 21, 2005

Nutshell

My soul,
she looks into her mirror,
speaking words of contradiction
to herself about what she sees
She knows not what she speaks
Won't someone interpret those escaping words?
She can't understand why she'll feel what she does--

which is everything,

which is nothing

She fights it all, she fights herself,
she can't let go (but should she?)
She'll pin this thing to the ground with thought,
this "thing" of a thousand things
but her grip grows weak
because her right hand does not know her left--
Together they are called Contradict and Confuse;
apart, Sense and Self

My soul,
her steps fly in every direction,
going everywhere at once and yet getting nowhere,
seemingly gaining no ground
Years compound the complications
of so much beauty and so much pain
that she's lost which way's up
And she's tired of hurting, tired of waiting,
tired of hoping, feeling, fearing,
tired of fearing
Her back is heavy-laden with the burden of self-doubt
and distrust in her own mind;
Her guilt and foolishness bend her to the ground,
as all the while she still believes it need not be so,
that she does it to herself
Does she do it to herself?

My soul,
she won't despair, but still she sighs
and wonders how much time it takes to move
and wonders if there are words somewhere that might make sense,
that might speak clarity into being

You'll find little reason or rhyme here, because--
my soul,
her face is drawn with the absence of it

Every Motive Suspect?

A friend's post (scroll up) called to mind one of the long bus-ride conversations of which I had the privilege to be a part in Costa Rica this summer.

There might have been refreshingly cold air whipping past me as I pitched along a cave-dark mountain "road." Or there might have been thick, sticky air that would have lain stagnant among the masses of warm bodies crowding around me, were it not for the relief of the slightly-cooler breezes coming from the window. I might have looked out onto absolutely lush, rolling pastures straight out of Tolkien's (well, Jackson's) Hobbiton, or I might have seen a shimmering glimpse of sea from over the tops of mountains on the other side of a valley.

Whatever might have surrounded me outside, on the inside my mind was searching itself, searching my heart--and coming up with what I felt to be some very disheartening news: everything I do, no matter how altruistic or selfless I may think it, comes down to making myself feel good. Along the course of this conversation with my traveling partner-in-crime, I "decided" that I do good for people because it makes me happy to see them happy and encouraged, it makes me feel fulfilled to know I effected someone positively. I "decided" that whatever I don't do that could hurt someone, I don't do because I'll feel bad later if I think I hurt/disappointed them.

Now, though, I think that's a pretty crappy way of looking at things. If I were to continue with that line of thinking, I could logically have no choice but to grieve everything I ever did with respect to anyone else. And grief necesitated by logic leaves no room for grace. So scratch that theory.

I don't really feel like writing more, so suffice it to say that right there is just one more way that God's illogical grace is completely, entirely vital.


Sometimes I don't understand how people don't see that...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Is frustration irrelevant?

I get frustrated pretty frequently these days.

I get frustrated with my poor academic performance thus far in the semester.
I get frustrated with my "health problems."
I get frustrated with my supposed inabilities and my irresponsibility.
I get frustrated with my friendships that are not where I want them to be.
I get frustrated with my job and my boss.
I get frustrated with other things I'm not going to mention on here.

I also get frustrated with my own propensity to be negative when it comes to my own life, and to complain rather than rejoice.

And then last night, as I was reading Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel, I came across his inclusion of a quote by the English mystic Julian of Norwich: "The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love."

I've been thinking a lot about God's "furious" love, as Manning calls it, mainly because of my own unending encounters with it. But...I have in no way been responding to it like I should have.

Way to put me in my place, there, Julian.

Monday, October 17, 2005

ESTOY TAN EMOCIONADAAAA

ONE HOUR FROM NOW I WILL BE LOOKING AT MY COSTA RICA PICTURES

Sunday, October 16, 2005

a mi

memyduelethroatlaandgargantamyytmjlahurttmj
.....solo quiero poder freakin cantar......
and i'm getting tired of it, yo.



but for now it's okay because i just had the most amazing final fall break with two wonderful ladies

(not actually a fall break foto...for some reason, i think the only photographs taken this weekend were by katie through the car window)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Go away, TMJ!

I've finally come to terms with the fact that four happy years of being temporomandibular joint disorder-free have come to end, and I must go see my old friend the orthodontist.

Oh well.

Hmmm...to keep this from completely being a pity-post, let's see...well, I have been VERY productive today! Yesss!!



oh ps--if you see me chomping down on gum, which i am wont to do about 95% of my waking hours, smack me on the head. well, better just say something...choking is bad.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

"Introspection" is my middle name

-Every time I start to believe that I'm decently mature, thoughtful, logical, and improving, I suddenly do something that makes me seem like I might as well be watching TRL and going to the mall (ironically enough, two things I never really did even when I was younger).
-I'm realizing I might not have quite as much self-confidence as I thought I did....weird.
-I still don't truly understand my role as a friend to my friends, as a sister to my brother(s), and as a daughter to my parents. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do/who I'm supposed to be for any of these people. I know I'm called to love--but the details of how that is to be manifested are confusing.
-I wonder why it's very easy for me to be optimistic for everyone else, but when it comes to me, it doesn't happen nearly as often.
-I don't know what I want "to do"...except help people.
-It's probably really silly that I've spent a good deal of my young adult life trying to convince other people and myself that I'm not interested in having a relationship of the "significant" kind right now.
-God is incredible with his blessings, even in the face of my undeservedness. (is that a word?)
-I'm so happy with my life with my friends right now, that I'm terrified of moving away (or of them leaving...)
-I want to be so, so much more passionate in my faith...well, I want my faith to be me, if I may be so obscure...I want to know the Father, the Son, and the Spirit so much more intimately.
-I am not one of those people who can't stand the thought of staying in college a day longer, nor am i one of those who can't stand the thought of ever leaving. I am entirely divided--between wanting to graduate and not, between wanting to be independent/an adult and not...
-I just realized the above really doesn't matter, seeing as how it's about to happen regardless :)
-I love the people in my life so much that I just can't say it enough...did i already say that? :P
-I spend a lot of time trying to put my life together/live it in accordance with God, his character, and his will...and that I tend to focus so much on that, that I'm not even focused on God HIMSELF...Does anyone know at all what I mean by that?
-I still have yet to change from the "Him" mentality to the "You" mentality, and this makes me feel terribly...something. I'm not sure what.
-I'm excited about the prospects God has for my life, even if i don't know what they are...
-Liberation is not instantaneous, but rather a process.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Witty Title

I would like to extend a sincere and hearty thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night. Well, at least to the two or three of you who both were there and read this blog.

There's nothing like a good night's play to put me in high spirits. For whatever reason, I really, really did not want to play last night...truly for no good reason, either (that I can think of) except that I was tired and just being a jerk. Leave it to my boys, and Beans and Screens, and Tyler-being-awesome-on-sound, and everyone who showed, to turn that around...so thanks.

I think I might get to work on my song some more tonight and that makes me happy. Except oh I'm probably not going to be able to sing it. mmmm not gonna think about that

***

I was recently convicted--wait, honestly, isn't there a better word for that? How about...the Lord had caused me to feel quite strongly my need for giving more of myself. And so either He's put in my path more opportunities to serve, or has opened my eyes to see those which were already there...but either way, wow, it's not easy. And it's not at all comfortable to think about how selfish I am, much less was. I just pray that God will continue to provide me with the strength and skill to meet the challenge...and I rejoice in knowing that He will do just that, because He promises it.

There's still one sacrifice of service left to be fully offered, though. And that is--don't laugh, I'm being entirely serious--my academic work. I know that by doing my work efficiently, doing it well, and doing it on time if not earlier, I am:

1) More adequately preparing myself for my participation in the workforce, which will ultimately be a form of service. (I don't think that's a stretch, regardless if whether one is in ministry, or in sales. I should think we should be able to serve our employers and collegues by doing the absolute best job we can. And at the very least, it's a testament to our faith. Why should poor quality work be linked to our Father via a believer?)

2) Opening up time that can be better spent serving others, or even simply opening up time in which I am available to serve, should others need it of me (it's easier for me to focus on this one because it is more immediate)

And, for me (and for everyone else who's human, I imagine), it is indeed a sacrifice. A sacrifice of will, and of discipline, and of a loss of what I call "fun"...


If I won't do it for my own sake, I hope I'll do it for others'...

Monday, October 03, 2005

Spanish is much pleasing to me.

I decided that would be pleasing to me to write a post as if I was a native spanish speaker translating literally to english. This will be difficult, I believe, because even that first sentence was hard for to write, and not even am I translating everything completely literally. But I think it will be good practice, because to think in spanish first is not a task easily done, and also it is quite difficult to think in idiomatic phrases of spanish, in time of ones of english. And also, it always gives me laugh to read those freetranslations.com messes that many people use, and I imagine that this maybe will be similar.

I ask myself what I should write about...one thing that comes to the mind is how emotional I am that this thing of my internship is working well. I have a meeting with TransWorldRadio the Wednesday that comes, for to take a tour of the facilities, to sit in a meeting of the department of spanish (that has its U.S. headquarters in Cary--what happiness, no?), and to talk with the chair of the department after. Really, I have absolutely no idea of that which I will be doing. Should be interesting. Probably I should stop dreaming of to obtain a job there after the university and to live between Cary and here and to continue going to my church...but I prefer to be optimistic in this, if not realistic.

What a blessing it was that this internship practically fell from the sky. Really, I owe the majority of the thanks to my mother, who decided to look for opportunities of internship while I was in Costa Rica. Although I still do not know exactly that which I desire to do, how fortunate that this seems to combine the three directions that I have been considering recently, those of public relations, spanish, and ministry. Let us see.

Buenos Dias

So my posts were kinda starting to go on a downer streak...well, that sounds depressing. But lets just say I want to impart a little more cheeriness than I have been. :) So here's for a bunch of randomness...or at least something a little less dramatic..

I would just like to say, I love to read. And I have come to the conclusion that it will be this, not blogger.com, which will be the death of my good grades...I have gotten into the terrible habit of reading myself to sleep every night. Which has led to my getting about 5, maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, and that is just not cutting it. I'm too old for that. (I mean, I'm 21, yo. Ancient.) This is precisely why I literally abstained from pleasure reading for two entire years. Yes, the first two years of my college career I read nothing for fun outside of Christmas and summer breaks.

And then I could hold back no longer, and I have suffered for it (or my time management has), but oh! Though guilty pleasure it may be, it is a truly rich one, and I would be most hard-pressed to give it up again. But anyway, what brought on this commentary is that once again I failed miserably to stay alert, or even awake, in class today. And this bothers me greatly, especially since I know my professors see me (though for some reason, it's rare they choose to call me out). And these days, generally speaking, I actually do want to know whats going on, and want to learn, and understand. Which is hard to do, since that whole retaining-info-while-sleeping thing doesn't work so well for me.

I must find a better way...


On another note, I went to a giant family reunion in Garner this Saturday, and to my surprise, ended up having quite a good time. Only one--count it, one--person asked me if I was married yet. Shocking. Although I was a little miffed that it took a family reunion for me to find out that my own brother has his first girlfriend (no, Justin, you can't rely on your MySpace to communicate with your sister. Dork).

On yet another note, I have been struggling fiercely (in accordance with my superhero moniker, Melinda Fierce, so graciously bestowed upon me by Zach) to not become downhearted with my ever-increasingly-failing voice. This semester has been harder than normal, with these past two weeks in particular. Ever since coming to Buies Creek (quite literally the allergy capital of the country) three years ago, I have developed a strange form of allergy that pretty much attacks my nasal cavity down to my vocal folds---oh, you know, only like the key parts for someone who sings. Anyway, I'm used to having a limited-even-more-than-normal range until about Christmastime, but...eh. It's especially frustrating this fall. Even my comfortable range, I'm struggling to get out anything sometimes and it makes me so sad. :( I really should probably see a doctor again--the last one was ZERO help ("Um, just drink more water!"), and the one before that couldn't find anything wrong with me. But time and money are such mean inhibitors these days.... I guess I just need to learn to accept. And be patient for next semester.


I have high hopes of soon picking up my paycheck so that i can finally get my Costa Rica pics developed...Stay tuned for some beautiful sunsets, amazing waterfalls, and...and..I don't remember what else. Hey, it's only been, what, two months? Yeah...




Hmm. I haven't written a post like that in a very long time.