Wednesday, January 31, 2007

not that you should care,

but I am proud to say that for the past two days I have been decently successful in lifting myself out of a life-funk by exchanging my "depressing music," as roommatechelle [probably aptly] calls it, for a nice bubbly mix of piano rock, thoughtless techno dance beats and pretty pop confections, as they say...thank you, Jamie Cullum, Ben Folds, Dave Barns, Killers, Jack Johnson, Matt Wertz, Jon McLaughlin, Andy Davis, Jewel...thank you. [Thank you, pop music; I'm glad you're not as terrible and worthless as I once thought.]


I'm also proud to say I survived today's 12-hour workday with grace, aplomb and professionalism. Haha, just kidding; I did no such thing...but I'm okay with that. :)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

yo amo.

i love

nature.creating things.chocolate.accents originating from Britain.trying to use accents originating from Britain.Costa Rica.B&W photography.closure.the night sky.skiing.traveling.sunsets.having conversations in Spanish.NYC.the idea of love.red nail polish.when someone understands you.[good] surprises.christmas lights in the country.good writing.writing.theater.a snow-covered landscape.a good workout.songs that speak to me.World Market clearances.poetry.playing with makeup.my journal.my iPod.novels.making people laugh.candles.being quiet.being challenged.autumn foliage.funny little kids.pretending I'm a torch singer.horses.ballet.salsa dancing.good food.being random.the changing of seasons.a moving string arrangement.family reunions.dance techno.Pawleys Island.cool words.the feeling you have on the car-ride home from an amazing show.puppies (who doesn't?).knowing God will always be here for me, regardless of how stupid i am.genuine fellowship.downtowns.hugs.rollercoasters.finding the right puzzle piece for a song or a sentence.old friends.new friends.change.growing.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Revelaciones

In my bi-weekly program trainings, we have to talk about our "revelations"...a time during which I am usually quietly chuckling to myself, because mine are not generally revelations that I care to share with my co-workers.

Here are a few from the past few days:

-I think I love dramatic songs (whether lyrically or musically) partly because I get some kind of vicarious pleasure out of them. Because apparently I'm bored with my life again.

-I really, really miss being a part of the music scene. (At Coffeehouse last night, I came up with the idea that if I can't do it, maybe I can just marry an established musician and live vicariously through him, and it was suggested that I move to Nashville...what do you think? "Hi, are you a successful musical artist? No? It was nice talking to you." I'm sure I could parlay it into a hit reality show, at the very least.)

-I hate giving advice to people. I'd much prefer to just be there for them, sympathize with them and try to be an uplifting and/or objectively logical and neutral presence (depending on the nature of the situation). I think under a lot of circumstances, advice-giving is presumptuous at best, and a great burden of responsibility at worst.

also,

-I think I dislike giving advice particularly because people tend to toss it out so flippantly, and it rubs me the wrong way when people do that. "Don't worry, it'll work out/you'll figure it out!"..."Just be patient; it'll happen when it's the right time"..."Just trust God"....Thank you, so much, for those things which I have never before thought of myself. Not.
-Sometimes people don't know what to say, I guess...although sometimes, nothing needed to be said, so I don't know why they do.
-I think that's why, unless I really trust someone, I tend to keep my issues and questions to myself. (I don't count blogging...obviously :P. The burden of a response is virtually nonexistant; you can say whatever you want and no one needs to attempt to retreat from social discomfort by offering one of the aforementioned catchphrases.)
-Taking advice from someone near my age seems pretty laughable a lot of the time. Unless you've already been in a situation remarkably similar to mine, I'd prefer you to be at least almost twice my age; then we can talk.
-I think what I appreciate the most (and therefore, how I tend to respond to people) is not when people give advise to me, but when they speculate with me. Not that I don't seek advice outright; I do that too, but more often than not I'd rather simply talk things out. I think that's one reason roommatechelle and I get along so well....

Speaking of the good woman, she just posted a contribution to the growing World of Pith...Starbucks, conflict diamonds and good world citizenship. go read.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

My pithy question of the day:

Is it wrong to eat Oreos like they're chips?



And of course, to accompany Pithy Question of the Day, we must have Pithy Quote, this time supplied by the great and inspirational Dwight Schrute: "There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon."

Saturday, January 27, 2007

oh my...



is what i have to say about my frame of mind
tonight when i am reaching out,
feeling around for something that is not there
and goodness knows my arm is getting tired
from all the stretching
that happens not just this night
but every night of my life until...
...until...
...?



Friday, January 26, 2007

Dear Diary

This morning I scalded my hand with boiling water from the tea kettle, and my hand is definitely swollen. I am amazed that I still manage to do things like this. Not doing very well with that NY's resolution.

I need to pray about *life* so much more than I do. Strange how it's much easier for me to sing to God than to talk to him. i'm not down with that.

As usual, people all around me are falling in love and getting engaged and married and it's somewhat distressing, because I am so incredibly not privy to any of that, and never have been in 23 years. Never even close, really, and I'll admit it; that bothers me. Kind of a lot, actually. The other thing that bothers me is how much "all that" can consume a person (me). I'm very glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated in dealing with said consumption and misplaced focus (roommatechelle, thank you). Sometimes I'm afraid all the advice in the world isn't going to make me feel/do better.

Resolution review: #21, check. Only 41 more to go.

Topic of Tuesday's Bible study: discerning between your want and God's will. Thanks, Donnie, for bringing it up and then not giving us an answer I understand. We are still stuck. Should I move because I want to get away from what I perceive to be a static, hanging-in-the-balance life? Or because there's somewhere else that God wants me? Etc, etc.

The catch for that particular question is, of course, the fact that the newness and hubbub of a move will only be a temporary solution. What I want, what I'm looking for isn't going to be found in a new house, and probably not even a new city, and I know it.

Shoot.

Damien Rice, Damien Jurado, Gus Black, Joshua Radin, Ray LaMontagne, The Swell Sound, Patty Griffin........I need to stop listening to people like them! They are so heartwrenchingly poignant and beautiful that I can't help but to stick to them like glue, but sometimes they can be so damn pensive that they're probably no good for anyone with introspective tendencies. It's like a drug addiction you know you should shake, but don't really want to.....


Time to move on; it's Friday, and there's another long weekend ahead..

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Evolution: A Distortion of Beauty

[courtesy of Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty]


i had to watch it twice, it was so crazy to me

Thursday, January 18, 2007

OH Thursday nights, you slay me

So it's probably the mark of a sappy loser if your eyes water while watching certain Office scenes and it's not always just from laughing. But that, my friends, is what happened tonight and I am said loser. And then I watched the amazing musical Scrubs that followed. SO out of the emotional heartstring-pulling of The Office and the kitschy goodness of Scrubs, plus my New Year's resolution to learn to be more honest, I present to you this weird tribute to the magic and power of television, music and honesty.

Since I cannot sing it to you, it will help to think about song styles such as those of the Little Mermaid's "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and Hair's "Hair." And of course, the critically acclaimed Scrubs musical, if you happened to have seen it.

(Brought to you by the first time I've gone to the gym in two months and the hyperactivity produced therein.)

This poemsong is dedicated to T. Shannon Prasad, because even if no one else can appreciate it, I know she will.

Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, "Oh Idiosyncratic Me."



If you don't think it's weird
that I love scifi and ballet
and I talk out loud in Spanish
if there's no one else to hear,

If you don't shrink in fear
to know that I have little tact
and that sometimes Office scenes
...well, they make me tear,

If you don't think it's silly
I turn red for no good reason
and my laughs are big explosions uncontrolled,
and I sing torch songs in the shower
but don't know how to be a flirt
and I wear flip-flops even when it's freezing cold,

And I talk extremely loudly
when I'm hyper and excited
and I'm type B but write up lists for everything,
and I start a lot of projects
that I'll probably never finish
and I think chocolate's not a want--it is a need,

If you won't think something's wrong
when I sing random words out loud
or when I'm staring with a frown (it means I'm thinking),
If you don't want to run and hide
when in the corner of your eye
you see me dancing 'round the room like I'm a gypsy,

If you can lovingly put up
with all these idiosyncracies,
well, dear, why don't you just hurry up,
hurry up and get here please!

I knoooow I'm only twenty-threeee,

But, heavens, I'm alreeeeeady twennnnnnty-threeeeeeeee!

In short:

Whoever you may be,
If you're not bothered that I'm crazy,
you could be the one for me!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

so,

who's with
me?


there's jousting and swordfights. need i say more?

(you think i'm kidding?)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

on music.

(just because)

I go through my phases, and I do enjoy a pretty good variety of music, but I always find myself wandering back to the same favorite style--the poignant, melt-in-your-mouth, rich-yet-restrained style that makes me want to close my eyes and listen (and wish I had written it first). Songs like Coldplay's "See You Soon," Patty Griffin's "Peter Pan", Ray Lamontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" (*current favorite), Eva Cassidy's "Songbird," Rocky Votolato's "White Daisy Passing," Sixpence's "Tension Is a Passing Note," Norah Jones' "Nightingale," Eisley's "Just Like We Do," and Jewel's "Near You Always"...just to give you a taste. :P

I've always thought music would be a serious hobby for me and not a career, but sometimes I wonder, what if...It's such a strange thought, because I think it would have to be an accident, because for some reason, it's not something I've chased after. And those kinds of accidents rarely happen. But if an accident like that fell into my lap, I think, though surprised, I would love it. I just don't actually think that could ever happen.

I do feel like there's a lot left for me to do, though, the surface of which I've barely scratched. I hope this thing called music is a part of my life for the entire rest of it...I hate to think of getting married and getting a career and having kids and getting so wrapped up in that happy little breakneck-speed world that my music fell by the wayside as "a hobby of my youth," because that would be such a tragic shame to me. I hope that never, never never happens.



Thursday, January 11, 2007

i have a degree in what??

I had forgotten how much crap there is to wade through when anything in your job search includes the words "public relations," "communication" or "marketing." Aka, every blessed telemarketing and door-to-door sales position out there has delusions of grandeur because they ALL clog up PR postings.

Not to mention..wait...I can make $10,000/week? Can I really? And work exlusively out of my home? AND get commission? Golly, why did I go to college??? I could be a MILLIONaire by now!





"Trust me!"








grrrrrrrrrr

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

sorry, no free pen at the end...

1. Do you ever wonder why you're doing what you're doing?
2. Do you find yourself grasping for motivation (ex.: you read Col. 3:23 and then cry, "HOW??")
3. Do you feel like your priorities in life need some serious restructuring?
4. Do you agree when people say, "you don't have to have it all figured out"...but that still doesn't make you feel much better?
5. Do words like "direction" and "goals" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up?
6. Do you ask yourself, "where am I going?" all too frequently, and yet it always seems like the first time you've really been faced with any of it?
7. Do you feel like you are in a unique situation in life to which no one can possibly relate, all the while knowing that to be patently false?
8. Do you like to use big words because that's about the only thing that makes you feel like an adult?



If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, then...let's talk. And form a support group or something.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

bleh

i'm going on seven days sick now, horray, it's so much fun

whatever it is i've got, won't you please leave me alone? i kind of have a life to live and you are making me have no life except for being asleep all the time in darkness and it's getting depressing, thanks....being alone with my in-and-out-of-consciousness thoughts is getting reallllly tiresome too...the nonstop company of your own mind can be such a drag


i wish i could wake up tomorrow and it be saturday and spring so i could go play outside in the sunshine

sidenote: I've found that, with a few exceptions, music can intensify whatever state-of-mind one is in, and so one probably ought to take care not to misuse it...although i almost always do. it's so very strange, though, the way one's mood can be dictated, or at least influenced, by music. it's one reason i think music is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

annnnd here we go again

For the past three or four years, every few months or so I go through a lovely "restless stage" when I think I'm going to go crazy if something in my life doesn't change. Apparently I'm due for it again. Maybe this time it's because it's the first week of the year, maybe it's because the flu affects your brain cells in anomalous ways, maybe it's because I listen to too much Patty Griffin...maybe it's because of some other things. But it's back with a vengeance and goodness I've been in a weird mood.

It could also be the fact that January is the month I had declared to myself that I would start thinking about what I'm going to do when my "job" is over. Actually, the restless bug almost always brings with it phrases like "life" and "what am I going to do with it," which is why this article made me feel better. Although I felt a little less better upon thinking that such an approach is probably a cop-out....especially for us girls, for whom it's a little less acceptable to be young-adult-vagabonds, I think. And by that I mean [and this could just be me] that guys my age can hop from fake job to internship to road trip to fake job and they are excused as "finding themselves," but people are secretly worried about the potential patheticism of any girl who may do that, because let's face it, if she doesn't get married soon, she ought to be on the road to career-woman success, right?

Well, considering 1) I'm definitely not on a track for the one, 2) I don't really care to be on a track for the other (at least not right now), and 3) my roommate informed me today she thinks that our plan to find a sugardaddy to support the two of us just isn't going to work, I'm feeling kind of SOL. At least for tonight.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

soulsick

(distracted by what I think is the craze of life)

(confronting neglect to which I so easily return)

Remembering now, as I crash to a stop, it's so strange to talk to you alone; I can barely say your name aloud. The love song I wrote you, I meant every blessed burnt-out word; the miraculous scars you wrote on my heart could not, cannot help but cry out, but as for the rest, I feel like I've never been more than an affectionate stranger.

The quiet reminds me of how I hate to think that this will always be a piece of the character I won't shed while I'm here. How confusing! not to be hopeless but to be not hopeful of ever being cured of myself. Do I sell myself short? or you?

Do I really wish for the hound of heaven to be pressing ever at my heels?

Funny how all the terrible metaphors -- wasted talents, thankless heirs, whores who cry, they apply to me and nobody knows but you but you don't care at all. Except for as far as they keep me away from the reach of your arms.

I don't do you right. I live this life wrong. So thanks for the hope, for the grace, for the song you gave me to write to you, but bear with me still; one day the strangeness will fade into the crushing familiar I long for and I'll pray your name aloud without a single glance to the ground save for those weighted down, with a smile on my face, by my great love for you.

smore palabra play

Banished Words for 2007

and, I don't know what this says about me [and my questionable sense of humor, maybe?] that I really appreciate this, but...it makes me snicker

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

grow yo brain.

The word of the day is klangfarbenmelodie, which officially (although, is wikipedia official?) means "a musical technique that involves breaking up a musical line or melody out from one instrument to between several instruments. It adds greater color and texture to a melodic line, instead of just one timbre in playing the line."

I happened upon this word which is great in and of itself as well as conceptually. I have only heard it used once (the technique, not the word), and didn't know there was a technical term for it, and think people should try using itcoughmorecoughoften.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Judge not?

Clearly I have failed in my non-blogging endeavor. My newest resolution is to quit trying to quit, since each time I try, it never works. I suppose in the pre-webblog days I would have been posting my thoughts on church doors or something...or something.

Anyway, to the point. I have a question for you, and that is: to what extent do we withhold our judgement?

In recent years, I have found myself to be a considerably judgemental person (though not really any more than your average soul, I think). This "finding" has been the result of many judgements (which, of course, I rarely recognize as being such until later) being proven wrong via more information...basically, I tend to come to a lot of assumptions and "conclusions" that are only based on the reality I see, which is seldom reality at all.

I've said many times that I am constantly learning how pretty much everyone has some life conflict going on below the surface...and I think the thing is, we may never know how that affects what we see coming out of them. We'll never understand the full context of their actions/character (at least not until we better know them/their situations...and still, even then...), and so making an assumption regarding "why they did that" or "why they're like that" would usually be fairly ungracious, no?

Of course, some situations would seem pretty cut-and-dry. Most illegal activities, while perhaps explained by hidden motives or situations, are probably not truly justified by them. But still, often when I hear about a ruling or decision of some sort, I wonder if we really knew the full story...mistakes have been made, after all.

And then there are those situations/people that affect you personally. It's harder, isn't it, to take a step back and extend grace when you're closer than just an impartial observer, when your understanding of a situation actually does affect your life (i.e., when you can hardly help coming to some kind of "understanding," even if it happens to be the wrong one). What to do then? It's not easy to be 100% gracious.

questions, questions

So there's the whole biblical answer, which I have yet to really dig into...probably should do that...but I want to hear what anyone else out there thinks, anyone who read all the way down and cares to share...