Mysterium fidei

...mystery of faith...




I just got back from the Jesus for President tour stop in Raleigh, and am fascinated. What an evening of beautiful storytelling, heartwrenching music and discomforting challenges.

There were heavy southern (American) accents, old timey bluegrass, and Middle Eastern wails. Letters from soldiers, and scorn of America as the world's god. There was love overflowing, and messages that would make my patriotic father furious, most likely.

Surprisingly, Shane Claiborne and friends touched on many struggles I've been dealing with for several years related to politics, patriotism, the role of the Church, and what the gospel of Christ really means for the world, and the United States of America, today.

Lots to think about.

breaking the musicfast!

More than a year ago (several?) I basically stopped buying music. For real. For the same reason that I try not to buy chocolate, or buy ice cream, or start watching a new series I've never watched online (where all the episodes are available at once): once I start, I very nearly can't stop. Pandora.com is probably the only thing that allowed me to do this; otherwise I would have died inside from lack of new music. But I think it's time for the fast to end, and I can't wait to start splurging on...

• Beyoncé! Somehow I own nothing of her music...I think she is one of the most talented pop (in the broad sense) music-makers out there today. girl power music at its best - love it.
• Over the Rhine. newly introduced to them and she's basically who I want to be.
• Emilliana Torrini. beautiful voice, entrancing music.
• Eisley's newest album...i'm still steaming from having gotten the time wrong for a recent show, and walking in right after they finished.
• The Album Leaf. chill and pretty.
• Sufjan Stevens. been listening to him for years...to the same 4 songs. dumb. no more.
• Patty Griffin...everything I don't already have :)
• Bjork
  
• Chris Thile
  
• Nickel Creek - everything! i only had one album, and I've lost even that one. not owning NC is like an insult to music.
• Rocky Votolato
  
• Mason Jennings. his music makes me feel so happy, haha
• The Frames. going backward from having listened to The Swell Season first, the Frames are just as great.
• Coldplay's newest. I feel silly even admitting that one.
• Ray LaMontagne...everything i don't already have.
• Rich Price.
• Damien Rice! how do i only have 2 songs?? ridiculous.
• ...and more Ray Charles, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Doris Day, Rosemary Clooney, Rachmaninoff, Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Turina, Mozart, Beethoven, Elgar..

And that's pretty much scratching the surface. mmmmm i can almost taste the forthcoming musical goodness now :)

Love & Loss

A dear friend of mine is working through his fourth month since his wife of many years passed away from cancer. By no means is he dealing with any kind of hopeless despair (his blog can show you why) but experiencing his grief and loss is certainly the most prominent feature of his life at this time.

At one point he said something I've heard many times before: "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."

That's something I've never really believed, at least not for my nature and personality. But, oddly enough, I've been having to concede that perhaps that is the only kind of loss of love I would accept if it meant having the kind of love that my friend and his wife so clearly shared when she was alive. I say odd, because I truly cannot imagine a more painful kind of loss - and that loss is only so great because the love was so great - and yet the greatness of the love makes the prospect of such pain worthwhile, or at least bearable.

But I have witnessed other kinds of love lost that I want nothing to do with; and there is where I don't believe it's "better to have loved and lost." There are some things, in my mind, that don't make the loss worthwhile.

Again, that's for myself, anyway. My concession there, though, has to be that maybe I can only say that because I've never been in love and so don't know what I'm missing. But still...from where I stand, it isn't always worth it.

Probably something people would say I need to figure out how to deal with, but oh well. :P

Here, have a time slot.

I have often had a hard time believing that it is both necessary and good that my life must be orchestrated around what can fit into specified blocks of time...30 minutes on this afternoon here, 2 hours on that evening there...

But, if I am to:

build relationships with the people around me like I want to,

be involved with social justice like I want to be,

earn a living wage like I have to,

and spend time just reading/writing/musicking/resting/vegging/exercising etc. like I need to,

(and do everything else that crops up in life that must be done)

...then I believe that partitioning my life into time slots is the only way to get to do it all.

I do believe that the American life is different from much of the world in its speed, and think that there are certainly some Americans who could do with a little less speed. If you're flying through a life based around your career (or anything else) at a breakneck speed and it is draining you, then you need to slow down.

But while I can still do all this and be energized rather than drained, then I will continue to do it. Especially because I think one day this will change (read: when I have a family) -- while I'm not accountable to anyone else (I mean, not to the level that you are when you have your own family), I want to be as completely involved in this stuff as I can be.

Yeah, spontaneity is kind of sacrificed when that is the kind of life you lead, in a way. Although...it makes me laugh that I intentionally try to schedule space into my week and month that has nothing actually scheduled in it, so that I can have time to either just relax/recoup or do something spontaneously fun...does scheduling opportunities for spontaneity mean it's no longer spontaneous??? ahhhhh :) haha.

And I have decided that sometime in the next year, I am going to try to realize a long-time goal of mine and seek a weekend (or more) of individual retreat at a monastic guest house. Preferably a really old one :)

It's all about the balance.

So, for this stage of my life, time slots it is, then.

Should I stay, or should I go?

...except, now that I think about it, that's not really an apt title for this post. Because my question isn't so much about "should I, or shouldn't I?"...

I've had a few recent conversations about how much I am loving getting ingrained into the fabric of my community (Raleigh...never thought I'd say that), but how I never like to make "life" plans more than 6 months out, because...I don't want it to be hard to pull up roots. Partly because there's a piece of me that longs to be a part of a world outside of the United States of America.

But the truth is, it would be hard for me to pull up roots; there's no getting around it. A friend I just had a beach weekend with was talking about how she's feeling pulled to something international, possibly, and all I can think is, "you just moved to North Carolina and are looking for your second job here - how can you even be thinking about leaving already?"

Oh, Melinda :)

A joke from this past weekend is about how "slow" I am - with getting ready, with getting places, with making decisions, with everything. 'Tis true, I own that one. Part of the problem is probably that I don't have a problem with that particular characteristic of mine, hehe. Anyway, maybe that just means that I do things in life slowly, and that this is okay - maybe I will slowly become a part of this community of Raleigh, NC, and one day will perhaps slowly grow into a totally new life somewhere else.

So really, it's not a matter of should I or shouldn't I (not yet, anyway) - just a matter of taking care to fulfill God's mission for me right here, right now. And hopefully He'll make it obvious when the "here" needs to change.