Melinda's New Year's Resolutions Guidelines: 2009 Edition

Let's recap.

• Car care - I am doing somewhat better about taking care of my car. (I can only say that because I just took it in for maintenance for the first time this year...)
• Gym - I was doing the gym thing pretty regularly for a while, seeing how I wanted to be able to walk without a limp...I have since 100% lapsed in this, though. Must resume rehab so i can stop lying to my therapist.
• Move to Spain - this dream has been transferred to moving to London. Which will not happen in 2009, so this one doesn't even count yet.
• Get paid to write - I don't think I got one thing published this year, much less paid for. (I have started writing a children's novel, though. And by "started" I mean I have thrown away what I've started and am now just thinking about it.)
• Dance lessons - sadly, those didn't last long into 2008 :( Maybe I'll fit them in again once we get those eight-day weeks going!
• Be a better friend - I think the fact that I have gotten better at this in some ways, coupled with the fact that I made a lot more friends in 2008 and had less time to spend with each friend, means that I about broke even this year.
• Raven Rock - STILL haven't gone! wtc?
• Improve cello-ing - given that I actually practiced at home a couple times this year, I'm thinking I did alright.
• Volunteer - hah. Did that, then did that too much, then quit almost completely. "Balance" is my theme for 2009.
• Paint - not enough.
• Grow up - holy crap, I think that happened; I no longer feel like a child! It all started with a haircut..
• Save $ - yes!! wow! Getting a real job for the first time seems to help with that.
  
• Tattoo - not only did I finally decide on a design, I decided on it in three days and then got it! Still love it, ten months later...a good sign.
• Mountain trip - not once, but twice, heyyyy
• Decrease 3-C dependencies - cereal, chocolate, computers. I succeeded in one of the three! (A hint: I think the foods are a lost cause..) Of course, now I never answer my emails, oops.
  
• Figure out my book - hah! I forgot about that one. And look, it's happening anyway :) kinda. Well, not so much. Hello, 2009.
  
• Learn to use my camera - now that I have a camera that I actually like, this is finally in progress.
• Photo shoot - cello + field. Still a no. It WILL happen one day.

So in addition to all the ones above that are still left wanting and therefore are transferable to each new year until finally achieved, here are Melinda's 2009 Guidelines:

• Learn more French. It sounds pretty! (As of now, all I can say in French is, "Paris, I love you. Such is life. Let the good times role. The question is, will you?" Plus I can make propositions to men thanks to Moulin Rouge, but that hardly counts.)
  
• Learn more guitar. Starting with the Beatles. Mmm.
  
• Write a real song. Like, the kind that is finished, and not embarrassing.
  
• Plan the Big UK Trip. Try to exclude fantasies about marrying a Brit uncannily similar to James McAvoy.
• Sing in public. Whatever that means...at least once.
  
• Be hot AND healthy. I'm convinced it's possible...maybe this is the year!
  
• Learn to cook non-dessert foods; perhaps even plan a full meal once in a while, geez.
  
• Keep my bedroom, house and car neat and clean. For more than two days straight.
• Do whatever it takes to be able breathe better. This is probably related to the previous point, unfortunately.
  
• Live without cable.
• Be a better granddaughter.
  
• Go on a real date or two. Or heck, go crazy and maybe even more than two. Why not? Oh wait, I know why not ;)
  
• Visit my MD/VA friends!
• Hang out at a monastery for a week. Since I already have a room reserved, this is like one of those things you add to a to-do list that you've already done, so that you can feel accomplished...
• Play with little kids.
  
• Clean out all my personal and work email inboxes. Ugh.
• Start writing poetry again.
  

I should probably stop there...no need to make it unreasonably impossible. Kinda impossible is good enough, methinks.

Interesting column in the N&O today.

"Why are Christian neighbors so aloof?"

If I remember, I might even come back later and give my reaction..

After all, i AM a girl :P :)

I haven't had my wedding planned out since I was age 6. In fact, the only early wedding planning I've ever done (as in, it'll probably be at least several years before it's worth any serious consideration) is mainly in wondering how I could possibly arrange an elopement without making my family furious...

One chicken I have counted before it's hatched, though, is with kid names...I can't help it...I've been coming up with future-baby-names for years (odd, since the idea of having kids freaks me out kinda. I'm working on that..) And it may seem extreme that these are clearly more than mental notes (my memory's definitely not this good), but...see my blog title. I love words; names are words...it makes sense to me, anyway :)

So here's another glimpse into Melinda's psyche, or something. May you be entertained, or at least indulging enough to not make fun of me. :P

Boys

Aidan (but a friend already used this! hah oh well)
Brennan
Cadian
Connor
Hawken - really? I had forgotten this was on the list..not gonna lie, still kinda like it
Julian
Kellan - no, this has been on the list for years and has nothing to do with Twilight


annnd, the Girls list is tons longer (also odd, since I want a boy first)

Adriana or Ariana
Aubrey or Audra or Audrey
Aline - from one of my fav authors, Aline de Romanones
Avonlea - I think it's such a beautiful name, except it'd probably have to be spelled Avanlea or Evonlea because I'd hate for my kid to have Avon for a nickname...almost as bad as Mary Kay
Carmen
Elena
Elise
Ella
Elia or Elianna
Evelyn
Flynn - love this one
Gabrielle or Gabriella
Georgia
Irena - almost like me
Julian - almost like it better for a girl than a boy
Leila
London
Maeve
Margot
Mica
Natania
Natasha
Noel
Renata - i'd probably have to marry a latin or italian boy for that to work though :P
Rose
Sanna - as in short for hosanna...except it's probably no good, given how it sounds too much like a certain jolly elf
Sierra or Sienna
Sonia
Sophie
Tacy

Course, things change. When I was much younger, some of my favorite books were by a woman named Maud Hart Lovelace, and I declared to my mom that one day I wanted a daughter named Maud. Yikes.

Get thee to a nunnery!

...or, how about a monastery? I've just found out that I'm going to be spending the week after Easter at a Trappist monastery in South Carolina.

I suppose this is related to the previous post a bit, but it's not a sudden decision, exactly. I've wanted to do it for years.

I say "just found out," though, because I merely inquired about room availability for "any of the weeks in April"...and the next day got an email back saying they had made a reservation for me the week after Easter. I was a little bemused but decided to roll with it.

Oh, and Trappists don't talk, or not most of the time, anyway. I've been wanting a quiet week; looks like I'm going to get one in a big way.

I'm really, really excited. And a little scared (in a good way). Spiritual development and communion and fellowship aside (which I of course look forward to, though with some trepidation...maybe I'll explain later), I'm also ecstatic about spending a full week away from conventional society.

I picked April hoping the weather would be fairly mild (and also because their flower gardens might be picking up about then...I love absorbing God through nature's beauty). "Guestmaster" Brother Stephen picked the week of Easter Sunday; I'm going with it.

It's funny; I'm already reminded that I will be spending time in a community of humans, not otherworldly, perfect saints. About a year ago, the Mepkin Abbey monks were embroiled in a controversy for the inhumane treatment of their chickens (though sadly, the said practices are pretty standard for most farmers). Even though they've done away with those practices (because, they said, the controversy was disrupting their monastic life), that was a bit disappointing. But...who am I kidding? They are human. Was I looking to spend time with perfect, sinless creatures? I'd have to go into the isolated wilderness to commune with God for that one, and I'm definitely not ready for that.

Anyway, I've never done anything remotely close to this. I've never even been to a Catholic mass, except one Easter when I was 13, I think. Definitely have never spent more than a day around people without talking, much less five. Definitely have never eaten a vegetarian diet for more than one meal at a time. Definitely have never had so much free time to be quiet and alone with God with only myself as a possible distraction.

I can't wait to hear what I have to share when I get back...hopefully something.

You know you are too busy when...

You know you are too busy when you forget to open the email that's telling you it's time to pay your credit card bill.

Dang it!

A friend and I were joking the other day about how we need an extreme personal assistant to help us keep track of all our bills, insurance stuff, retirement plans, and to remind us to call Grandma on her birthday, bake for church this weekend and floss our teeth daily.

Seriously, I feel like I am constantly making efforts to become more organized, more responsible, more on top of things, but it never seems to be quite enough. AGHHH. I'm sure this is all part of learning to be an adult yadda yadda blah blah blah, but if I can barely handle things now (and half the time, I'm pretty sure I'm not) I don't want to think about what it will be like as my life gets more complicated.

Because I'm assuming it will. Our society, for all it's gadgetry and "self-helpthink" geared toward making our lives more simple, is still very steadily plodding along to more and more complexity, in my opinion.

Yeah, I'm sure it's been good for something. Well, I take that back; I'm not totally sure. Are more people really receiving more help to live better lives, or is all this complexity just shoving us toward bigger and better ways to increase our own comfort, financial success and sense of self-importance? Sometimes I question if it's really worth it.

I'm not going to lie; one reason I love reading books set in earlier time periods is because I love fantasizing about a time when our world had not be revolutionized by modern technology. Everything moved more slowly, I think, pre-internet and other tech advances. Yeah, we get more done, now...but at what cost? Our way of living has been forever changed, and (outside of medical advances) I really can't decide if the good outweighs the bad.

If you think I'm being melodramatic, let me tell you this: I have lived almost directly across the street from an acquaintance from church for more than a year now. Have we ever hung out, being about a 3-second walk from each other? Nope, because we didn't realize we were neighbors until last week! How did we not know this?? Once upon a time, there would have been no way to not know this.

Sigh...I love having cutting-edge medicine and DVDs, but other than that, I think modern life is too complicated for my taste.

all i want for Christmas...

...is to be able to breathe normally. Seriously, Santa, that would be great!

that, and to find my good capo, dangit.

This is for Michelle.

Heh ;)

mmmm, music..

I just went with KT to see the Rescues at the Pour House this weekend...

It was wonderful. They're four singer-songwriters who decided to join up for a band, which means a lot of 3-and-4-part harmonies...which is rare, and absolutely LOVErly.

I did love it, though the whole time I had that bittersweet feeling I get when I'm listening to music that is just the kind of music I love most, done very well. Because I can't stop thinking, "I could DO this!...if only...I would just do it."

I don't know why I know that I'll never throw everything down to chase after such an ambition, but...I know I won't. It's kind of strange. But I feel sure, somehow, that there's a way to do it small-scale, every once in a while, just for fun. We'll see if that works out!... :)

Edward Cullen = exactly our brand of heroin

Twilight.

It is a phenomenon.

It has been hailed (by young women) as the "first textually transmitted disease." And if that sounds ridiculous, well, yes, it is - and basically true. I have honestly never before seen (for girls, anyway) such an en masse and intense addiction to, well, anything, especially a book series (or, a particular character, if we're honest). Or maybe it just seems that way to me because I got caught up in it myself :P

Heck, just the fact that my bff is reading the book at all is evidence enough that we can't stay away. ;)

I'm not even gonna say much more about the books themselves...but what I will say is that I can't stop thinking about the social-psychological pulls it has on my demographic. We are in love with the story of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen; we are in love with him--why? Here's a hint: for most of us, it has absolutely nothing to do with vampires.

Stephenie Meyer hit it right on the money (literally) when she tapped into most every girl's fantasy: to find an amazing guy who is so wildly in love with her that it's almost incomprehensible.

I'm not gonna lie; it kind of freaks me out, the effect Edward and Twilight have on us. Most of my life I've done a neat job of keeping the unrestrained, reckless love-dreaming at bay, and whether or not that's a good thing is up for debate - but what is not, is the fact that Twilight has dealt those efforts a certain blow, for me and many of my fellow ladies.

Simply put...it's just freakin' crazy.

I've only read the first book, and I'm trying to put off starting the second for as long as I can...but, I doubt that will be very long at all. I'm an addict; what can I say?

BAHhaha....ouch

This, my friends, is why Facebook should be used with care:


(And also why I love passiveaggressivenotes.com)

look what i did!

I'm on the far end in the yellow shirt...handling that semiautomatic like I know what's what!

just kidding.

I'm not really a fan of guns, unlike (I think) most of the other people in that picture...but I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be.

I'm not gonna lie, after you get over the shock of "I just shot a real bullet from a real gun," it's kind of fun...on the range. I still kinda wish our society didn't have guns, though.

iwishimayiwishimight

-be able to make big decisions in less than 5 minutes-

-start the Twilight series without getting addicted-

-get to sing more, or, at all-

-rewind a couple weeks and actually make it to the fair-

-stop getting distractedly bored at work-

-play outside more-

-play with my friends more-

-learn how to never need sleep again-

-fall in love with a boy at the same time he's falling for me-

-make time to clean up the 100's of fotos on my camera-

-finally finish an art project instead of just starting another-

-learn how to always keep my house clean-

-learn how to enjoy cooking-

-(or if not that, learn how to survive on baked goods)-

-go to the movies more often-

-always remember God's astonishingly brilliant love and grace-

-finish knee rehab soon-

-be a more loving friend/daughter/granddaughter/sister-



:: stop wishing and start doing ::

Why I hate election season.

One of the hardest things I have experienced, in this election season, is the difficulty of not being swayed by the opinions of people I know and/or care about.

It's pretty internally infuriating, because these people fall very hard on both sides of the election, especially presidentially-speaking.

I want to make up my own mind...and yet, I hear compelling arguments from both sides. And yes, you're reading this right - except for the senate race, I have yet to 100% make up my mind about who I am voting for in ANYthing.

At least I decided to vote, period, a decision that only came in the last few months. I eventually decided that it's not a good reason to vote just because I don't support any one candidate; instead, I hope to figure out who I'm in the least favor of, and then vote for the other guy. I realized there's probably a 0.0001 percent chance that in my lifetime, a candidate (for any office) will arise with whom I fully agree. So I'm trying to get over that.

(Actually, the ultimate decision-maker for me was when I read an article on the women's suffrage movement...I couldn't not vote after reading some of what I did. Even if it kills a little piece of me to vote for someone I'm not completely behind.)

I mentioned in a workshop the other day that I'm not a political person, and I could tell by some others' reactions that they thought this meant I don't really care about politics. This isn't true. I think politics are important, in many ways; it's just that I get so angry and frustrated with many aspects of the political realm (oh, pessimist me), that I can't even stand to think about it. There are other things more important to me that require my passion.

And that, my friends, is why I hate election season: I can hardly bear to think about all that it means, but since I have a social conscience, I kind of have to...

I saw a wonderfully snarky bumper sticker today:

"Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees,
and then name streets after them."

Touché.

I spent my teen years growing up in a place called The Glen at Harrington Grove (HG also consisted of the Arbor, the Oaks, etc...). To its credit, the older parts of the subdivision did manage to keep a good number of trees, sort of.

Of course, just outside that neighborhood there used to be cow pastures and a few scattered cottage-y homes. Now, instead, there is a shopping center, and I-540.

I thought I wasn't supposed to be able to tell stories like that until I had grandkids...

i do not understand

why every time i take a long nap, i wake up feeling nauseated. what an annoying ending to such a wonderful thing.

i'm sure everyone wanted to know that. :P

pretty fascinating!

Well...it is if your name is Melinda Irene Pearce, anyway.

I love reading old stuff I've written, especially poems. It's so interesting to me, that I could write something five years ago that I could have written yesterday, and at the same time have written something a year ago that I don't even recognize/seems like it was written by another person.

I think it's funny that probably at least 50% of the time, I can't even remember what prompted my writing any given poem. Just goes to show, I guess, that a lot of things aren't nearly as big a deal as you think they are, in the moment.

I kind of like that. :)

holy weekend, batman!

What a blur of a fin de semana...

Robyn and I brilliantly decided to drive to Charlotte (aka not Charlotte, but Cornelius) to see Derek Webb And Friends on Friday night. 1 massive traffic jam and several erroneous turns later, we at least made it in time to see And Friends. Well, okay, we made it for one DW piece, and then they kind of mishmashed around together...and it was actually quite good! ArtMusicJustice...it was rejuvinating, in a way.

Post-show and several more erroneous turns later, we finally wound up at Michelle's apartment (which should have been only 4-5 minutes down the road...sadly, it was not, thanks to me. Thank you Robyn for repeatedly saving me from my apparently-still-challenged sense of direction). And thank you Jinglchelle for putting us up, and for thinking about making us cookies, that really was sweet of you! :) haha

FF to 6am this morning...we drive to Durham, where I kindly ditch Robyn at Whole Foods and proceed to take my FINAL CLASS for my Duke certification for nonprofit management! Hurrah!!

Ironically, the class, which was Public Speaking, taught me some vital points that helped to calm my nerves for tonight. And by "tonight," I mean finally achieving one of my longstanding goals and singing while accompanying myself on guitar! (Well, "accompanying." good enough for me.) Hurrah x2!

And by "helped to calm my nerves," I mean allowed me to not just simply get onstage at all, but to enjoy it, too. Who knew? Although, I definitely had to laugh when Katie P asked me how many times I had to pee before I was on...yep, that would be four times. Can you imagine what would have happened if the nerves had been full force? eh. let's not. :)

And tomorrow...yet another challenge...I'm supposed to start Muay Thai again, or so urges my physical therapist. We'll see if it happens tomorrow; I'm thinking a long nap might also be very welcome. Though I'll hopefully get back on the horse soon. I don't believe I've ever had to do that for anything. I remain conflicted. But I'm at least going to try.

Overall...a whirlwind but grand weekend :)

if i were a female music mashup...

i would want to be:

her,


and her,

a good bit o' her,definitely some her

and a wholllle lotta her.

Where Did All the MEN Go? [an open letter to the male gender]

I have this friend, and she is awesome. The guys love her (really, everyone does!). She is a woman who will grab your attention, because she is just so beautiful, inside and out.

She's had boyfriends, and almost-boyfriends, and has been single for a while lately. She was recently asked out for a dinner date.

You'd think that's no big deal, right? But here's the sad thing. For all her dating over the years, that was the first time a new guy asked this amazing woman specifically out for a real, intentional date. No confusing "talking" period. No masking it as hanging out. No "friendlationship" crap. He was a guy who knew what he wanted: to take my friend out for a fun evening and get to know her more. And so he simply asked her! He didn't waste his time -- or more importantly, hers.

Let me tell you something - that, in and of itself, was attractive. And rare.

I guess when you're in high school and college, people are still kids and have to be all weird about everything. I guess.

If you are a male who is past college-age, though, I have a message for you: grow up, and man up to the challenge. If you're interested in getting to know a girl, do her a favor and just ask her out--on a real date, mind you. "Hanging out" is a misleading waste of time. (Unless you really just want to be friends, and then it's fine, of course! But in my opinion, unless you're already good friends with the lady, hanging out is most safely done with more people than just the two of you. No one likes mixed messages.)

Right, so she might turn you down. Getting turned down sucks, surely...but regardless of her response, if she's like nearly every woman I know, she will respect you a lot more if you are upfront, than if you putz around making her guess at what you're really up to.

(Oh yeah -- for this to work right, I think men AND women have to recognize a date for what it is -- a single square on the calendar. It shouldn't be equated with anything it is not, like commitment, marriage, love, etc. It doesn't even have to mean "I like you"...just simply, "I want to know you at least a little better." No pressure there, on either side. Right? Am I crazy?)

I know many guys have good intentions when they try to hang out with their lady of interest without actually asking her out. But you know how we women feel when we get the drift of what's going on? Oftentimes, we feel manipulated. We feel like you are trying to trick us into liking you. That is not fertile ground for growing respect, my friends.

And if you feel that the only way you can "get a girl" is to trick her, well...first of all, that's probably not true, if you're a decent guy with integrity; and second of all, it's your issue to resolve - don't do her the disservice of protecting your insecurities by being ambiguous or unclear. It's 2008, and upfront honesty is still the best policy.

(You've seen the movie scene...guy who's trying to ask out girl says, "I'm really nervous/bad at this." Does girl say, "What? You are such a freaking loser; get out of my face!" No - if she is a decent woman with compassion, she thinks it's sweet. :P)

So, to mash up my platitudes: if you can't do something honestly and openly, don't do anything at all.

I'm sure that should be taken to heart by everyone, not just guys. But I have to laugh (not really) that among our many stereotypes, we women are "hard to read"...we expect that men should be able to "read our minds"...we don't "say what we mean"...

These days, that door swings both ways so hard, it's about to come off its hinges.

Not being a guy, I don't know what the big deal is with asking women out, except for maybe that whole "rejection" thing. What a terrible word. When women say "no," we are saying no to a date with you. We are not saying, "I reject you as a human being." Just because one chick turns you down for a date doesn't mean that you're worthless, or that no other women could possibly take you up on it! Remember, it's just a square on a calendar...not the end of the world.

The funny (or sad) thing is, I don't know many women at all who are even given chances to say no...or yes.

So, guys, you should do yourselves, and us, a favor. Be courageous. Be honest. Be men.


[tasteful comments/rebuttals are welcome...]

ramble and muse (again)

i am listening to Shiny Toy Guns' "Le Disko"....if that song does not make you want to be a rock star, I don't know what could.

my life has been a ridiculous whirlwind the past few months, and while the job-related contribution to that isn't going to slow down for at least a few more weeks probably, i am forcing the rest to chill out. i miss hanging out with people i love. and i miss taking care of myself (sleep, etc.). i am excited :) i am going to paint again soon! i am going to play an instrument that is not the cello at an open mic night! i am chopping half my hair off tomorrow! i am getting to bed by 11pmish instead of 2amish!

[clearly, my job has sapped all the written eloquence out of me lately. :P but let the spastic sprawling thoughts continue...]

I went to my first therapy session on Monday for dealing with some family-related issues, and it was great and went by way too fast. i have said for years that I think everyone could probably benefit from therapy/counseling of some kind, and i am finally following my own advice. it's going to be...who knows what, but "ultimately a very good thing," i am quite certain. not easy...but good. i am so thankful for the opportunity. and excited about what it might mean for me.

i went to yet another funeral last week. my hallmate at work had a heart attack over the weekend. he was often the only one around when i had to work late into the night (he sometimes worked nights instead of days b/c of certain health issues). he was a funny guy, a gem i wish i had known better. i still forget he's not there sometimes. i walked into his office yesterday, and an open Coke can was still sitting on his desk.

i don't mean this morbidly, but i think it's so strange how much death i've had to experience this year. i guess i'm just grateful none of it was really with someone very personally close to me...though my heart goes out to those for whom it was..

well, there were many more thoughts swirling through my head, but now that Rich Price [if his songs do not make you want to fall in love i don't know what could] is playing, i am getting sleeepy :) goodnight. may my next post be more coherent.

Music is my boyfriend.

...That used to be the joke, back in college, when I did not really date real boys and spent most of my free time trying-to-or-making music. (If you want a good laugh, look at Melinda's old band...old enough that people weren't even using MySpace that much yet!)

But alas, my lover's gone...where'd you go? i miss you so...seems like it's been forever since you've been gone!..you know i love you...

(haha. i've always found it so interesting how easily love/romance/relationship metaphors are applied to music and especially to musical endeavors.)

and really, i love my friends, and i do miss classical music as much as everything else, but playing in friends' weddings just isn't quite what i'm talking about.

i miss road trips to random gigs in random cafes with next-to-no space...
i miss friends showing up in other cities just to support us
i miss awkward tune changes when the guys would try to make me kill time with the mic
i miss playing at Berkeley Cafe and being told i'm a badass "cello player"
i miss finally gathering the courage to show people i could sing
i miss accidentally awesome jam sessions
i miss a capella duets with my Tara Shannon (I've got everything we ever did tattooed on my heart)
i miss "roadie" Ginny helping with my music as it inevitably flutters everywhere!
i miss pulling off the hardest classical piece of my life without a teacher's help
i miss playing a part for the world premiere of a very talented classical composer! :)
i miss having a reason to hit up Sam Ash for specialized gear
i miss the joy of finally ditching some of the sheet music
i miss my case getting more compliments than me or my instrument combined
i miss being told i'm effing awesome by drunken music aficcionados
i miss feigning coolness for a photo shoot
i miss finally finding the exact right riff to fit the puzzle
i miss enjoying studio sessions
i miss putting myself to sleep with my borrowed guitar
i miss bumming rides to practice. Wait, not really...
...but i do miss harmonica send-offs on the return trip home!


Oh, Music. I miss you. I hope you're doing well.
;)

[image fm adriano agullo]

PS, if you can identify all the songs used in this post, you win a copy of OneLessFrame's "Biggest Hits: Straight From the Creek." (Sorry, Mich, you are probably the only person who could win this, but you're also probably the only person who already owns the prize...hah :)

I cannot beg you enough: please don't drink and drive.

...because it is not an exaggeration to say that if you do so, you could end up dead, or in prison.

My cousin Joanna was newly engaged and about to receive her teacher's license, when she was killed by another woman who chose to drive after drinking. Today, almost a year and half later, that woman was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

As my uncle said,

"There are no winners in a court like this."

Antonia Ramirez: Sentenced to 10 years in prison

Joanna Dalton Knepper

September 4, 1982 - April 22, 2007

"The Death of Evelyn and the Failure of the Church"

...a compelling article by my friend Hugh.

Check it out.

death is weird

Even for "the believer," who believes that death is only the gateway for being fully united with Christ, ...death is still weird. especially when it's unexpected.



As of last week, a college friend and her family are having to weather her father's taking of his life.

A few weeks before that, another friend lost one of her best friends to a lake accident.

Months before that, my pastor's sweet life ended her battle with a brain tumor.

About a year before that, my cousin's life was taken in a car accident.

And I just got a random message from the younger sister of my childhood best friend, who passed away from a severe asthma attack shortly after I moved across the country. Clearly, over a decade later, her sister is still processing the loss of Jennifer (naturally).


(huh.. clearly, over a decade later, I am too.)


I kind of feel like I'm in this exclusive club for people who have known and loved other people who died in unexpected ways, "before their time."


All I can say for now is, it's a weird club! It truly is.

True Stories

I was sitting in a hospital waiting room once, watching people and wondering what was going on in their lives. (I find hospitals and airports are good for that, given you spend so much time just sitting, and waiting.)

I started taking notes in my journal, I'm not sure why, and at one point copied down snatches of a phone conversation being had by a woman nearby: "I hate this place...I know, I know, listen to me. I haven't told anyone else—I haven't told anyone else. As much as it would kill me, I would do that for you. I love her more than me."

I couldn't possibly grasp any of her meaning, of course, but the next thing I wrote in my journal was simply, she's in pain. And then I stopped writing, I suppose because I was either done waiting, or couldn't bear to speculate any more about what was going on in the lives around me. Probably both.

I think about that woman now, and wonder why she hadn't "told anyone else" about this thing that was clearly a source of pain. And I think about the man on whom I was waiting in that room that day, a man who used to be very sick with AIDS, and who is now relatively healthy with AIDS, and I think about how you could never, ever know a glimpse of his true story just to look at him.

I think about how no one could ever know a glimpse of my true story to just to look at me.

Truth is, I've become convinced that every person has a story that can't be guessed at from the surface—they're stories that need to be told, if only someone was willing to listen.

A woman I admire recently posed the question, "why, as a society, are we not encouraging people to heal?" It's a good question, and it's something I've wondered myself for years, ever since I realized I had true stories that needed to be told in order for healing to come to pass. I’ve wondered, because some of them are stories that I can still barely share, having experienced that most people either don't want or don't know how to receive them.

The question at hand is not why we are inclined to keep our true stories to ourselves, but rather, why are we so inclined to try to shield ourselves from the brokenness of others (and consequently discourage people from healing)? It's pretty ironic, given that I have yet to get to know a person and then find that they haven't been broken in some way, themselves.

Every year, my church does a series of Sunday mornings in which our pastor interviews some folks who have been broken in one way or another. It's largely done to be authentic to the reality that a life of faith is not “perfect”-Christian-flavored peaches 'n' cream, and that it's disingenuous (not to mention unhealthy) to pretend it should be.

As a secondary effect, I imagine it can potentially be pretty cathartic for those being interviewed. I know from experience, though, that being in such an exposed situation might be much more than cathartic; it might be absolutely, terrifyingly necessary. Which is why it makes me sad to hear of the occasional complaint that, "this thing you’re doing up there on the stage— it isn't church." If you can't tell your story in church, where people are supposed to “be like Jesus” and therefore love you no matter what you've done or what has been done to you, where can you tell it?

So I guess it's no surprise that, having no such directive to love unconditionally, the rest of the world tends to be wary of people’s true stories (or tends to assume that one can guess at these stories, based on surface appearances). And I’m sure social scientists could point to some cultural, spiritual or other sorts of trends that have led to such mindsets. But none of that is the point, is it?

The point is that socially, we are somehow shamed into silence, when we should be encouraged to be open. Take, for example, the many women enduring some kind of abuse or exploitation who don't seek help because of shame, because the pain they live in somehow seems better than the pain of being exposed. Some cultures actually even hold to the belief that a woman who has been raped has been shamed, and that she ought to prefer death to being exposed and bringing that shame to her family. It's an extreme example, maybe, but it all stems from the same root problem, doesn't it? We aren't okay with being up-front-and-personal with the darker elements of that woman's story.

If we want to be healthier individuals with a healthier society, we must become a society that encourages people to heal. And this can only genuinely happen when people feel the freedom to share their true stories. So yes, it will probably take working through a good deal of discomfort to first enter into a world of brokenness, whether your own or someone else’s. But the thing is, the sense of shame, and the silence it causes—they’re holding us back.

I think about the woman on the phone in the hospital, and wonder where her life is now. Has she been able to tell anyone?

[photo by rwangsa on Flickr]

..Go CU...rah rah..

Sorry but this is hilarous:

"[Head Coach Steele] has a feeling he put together a better team than he thought he could in the first couple of years, not that much is expected of Campbell. Jeff Sagarin's preseason computer ranking lists the Fighting Camels at No. 244 among 245 college football teams.

Steele and his staff won't know for sure what they have until Saturday. 'It'll be a surprise for the kids, for us, for everybody,' Williams said. 'Heck, I don't know what's gonna happen.'"

I can't wait to witness this historic (non?-) event on Saturday. Bahaha.

The Fighting Camels are fierce. Grrr.

Balance? what?

I used to work for the Alliance of AIDS Services. We never had enough money. I remember being told if I wanted a stapler, I was going to have to buy it myself. I remember when we had to cut back on bus tickets we gave out, and how well that went over. I remember seeing some of the same people over and over, always in trouble. I remember frustrated conversations about how when it came down to it, we were a band-aid, a temporary fix. We were treating symptoms (in more ways than one).

I now work for a small nonprofit organization that was birthed out of a gift of $6 million. We have lots of money. We don't treat symptoms; we are trying to change the system. We spend money in ways that are structured (we hope) to change the system. We also spend unreal amounts of money on things like balloons, conferences, and awards dinners.

I don't like how some of our money is spent; it seems cavalier, really. Maybe it's because never in my life have I ever been around a lot of money, and so what is pennies to some people (people who are used to being in control of a lot of green) is a huge, huge amount to me. The strange thing is, we actually are more conscientious with how we use our money than most charitable organizations. Scary thought.

I wonder, now that I have been on both extreme ends of the spectrum, could I ever be happy with either side? Because I'm finding out that when I'm on one end, I'm wishing I were on the other. I'm either wishing we had more money, or wishing we didn't waste so much of it.

So I'm thinking that I'm going to have to figure out another way to be okay with whatever employment I happen to be fulfilling at the moment.

...and that's just my work balance, not to speak of the rest of my life....ay de mi....

oh, you Christian hipsters, you.

My friend and fellow abolitionist Mike was laughing that we are now a Mother Jones cliche...the magazine did an article on Hellraisers: The Next Generation, complete with with an artistic rendition of all the "types" of modern rabble-rousers.

#2 = "The Christian Hipster. Causes du jour: ending sex slavery, starting Bible study in a bar."

Love it :P

love, please

My Chelle just got back from a trip to Seattle and brought with her some awesome pics (Seattle seriously looks awesome and now I want to go, too).

I just love this one and had to post it.

Miracle Child

I can't not post this story about a little girl from my old home church. This church has experienced the unusual situation of having three lovely ladies struggling with brain tumors (and it's not a large church, either). One, from what I know, is still going back and forth in her battle. The second, our pastor's wife, went home to be with the Lord earlier this year (that may raise questions for some folks, so I will just point you to my pastor's blog and let him explain things).

The third and youngest is experiencing a miraculous recovery. Praise God! --

"Last week Cali had her much anticipated 3 month MRI visit combined with her post-transplant assessment. We are extremely happy to report that the MRI was clean and that her heart and lungs are perfectly fine!! Praise the Good Lord!! The day was a very long one for all three of our little angels but they came through it beautifully. The nurses just loved on little Cali and she was putting on quite a show for everyone. She was giving kisses and hugs to just about everybody which just lit the room up with smiles. Cali was also counting to 10, repeating every word possible, and even showed the doc. that she could stand up straight with no help at all. Doc. was very pleased with how well Cali is progressing, so pleased infact that he chose to reveal a heart touching bit of information about the night Cali first arrived at Duke with her tumor. He told the medical student side-kick that was making rounds with him that Cali was truly a "miracle child," because her condition was so bad on the night that she arrived that one of the doctors in the room pretty much gave up on Cali and left the room in heartache. That makes me cry just thinking about that statement. Looking at her now, and thinking about that night makes me fall on my knees and give thanks to God that he put his healing hand upon her. Cali is doing so very well and we want to thank everyone for keeping her in your prayers. God Bless and live each day expecting that there will be no tomorrow."

"Good sex" is definitely a matter of opinion.

I know that sex is taboo in some "proper" [aka conservative] circles, but I think that's a problem. Don't believe me? People--parents and mentors, especially--should be talking about this (regardless of whether they have a problem talking about sex, or don't, or just don't even care).

Not to mention the fact that it's absolutely shocking that anyone over the age of 18 could possibly be a virgin. I mean, really, doctors can't believe it (mine doesn't), so why should anyone else, right? ...I really don't get it.

Except, I do. That's the culture we live in. In-your-face sexuality is such a latent part of our society that many people 1) can't comprehend something that diverges from that, and 2) aren't even seeing it for what it is, most of the time (again, just read this).

Yes, I get bitter about our culture sometimes...my bad.

[musical milestone] *AHHHH!!*

So I have wanted to be able to accompany myself on guitar for YEARS, instead of depending on other people all the time...

I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!

I have learned one of my favorite songs -- Patty Griffin's "Making Pies" -- and I can play it, and sing it, at the same time...and without feeling very embarrassed.

This is an incredibly simple thing to some people, I know...but I can't believe it's actually finally happened. All these recent (work)nights of staying up til 1:30 in the morning because that's the only time I have to practice are finally paying off.

one day. watch out, world ;P

By His Power

Note: This post is best read while listening to Sufjan Steven's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL" ;-)

From time to time--sometimes for intellectual reasons, sometimes for hardship reasons, sometimes for no reason at all--a piece of me wants to question the whole God bit. I dance around it, really, not actually wanting to disbelieve that to which I've clung for most of my life. But in spite of my continuing determination to cling to faith “in things unseen,” I can't help but want proof, sometimes.

It's always been like that. And the proof I've always found--irrefutable proof, to me--is what I've seen in people's lives. Uncanny hope, victory against the odds, miraculous changes...and, every so often, I am blessed to find this proof in my own life.

For the past three and a half months, I've been struggling to recover from a reconstructive surgery for a ruptured ACL. Ironically, the struggle hasn't been physical, as I've been flying through my rehab (much to my physical therapist's constant surprise). The struggle has actually been related to some insurance mishaps--a situation that has left me trying to figure out how I'd pay for the $15,000+ of remaining medical bills, should it come to that.

It has been such a weight. At the time of my surgery, I was basically an intern, and definitely living on an intern's salary. So for the past three and a half months, I've been wavering between trying to stave off despair--what would I do if these bills came my way??--and trying to trust what I'd heard and believed so many times, that God is in control. I've been trying to live my life normally, but for three and a half months there has been this vast concern, just lurking in the background. I've prayed, usually more helplessly than cheerfully.

This morning, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that my insurance companies would be switching next week, due to a new job. And just as suddenly, it occurred to me that I had to finish my insurance appeal paperwork--today, if I wanted to get it in by the deadline. I dashed to my computer and worked on it most of the rest of the day, still trying not to ask, what happens if this doesn't work? What if it doesn't get there on time?

Several hours later, as I drove home, I couldn't help but dwell on what a heavy burden I felt. In spite of myself, my mind kept wandering to one idea--"why?" I know life isn't always fair, but it just didn't seem right. I had sustained the knee injury while training to become a better self defense instructor, a passion God had dumped in my lap about a year ago. And a big reason I had managed not to finish my insurance appeal earlier was because I had been investing countless hours to help organize some anti-human-trafficking efforts in my area.

I didn't blame God for such an unfair return on my hard work--that's life, sometimes. But it still sucked. It was still wearing and weighing me down.

As I pulled into my driveway, depressed, I again tried consoling myself with the idea that God is in control, and that He is going to take care of me, whatever that ends up meaning. This thought inspired a slight shimmer of peace, at least enough to soften the frown I had been wearing the whole drive home.

Coming inside, on the coffee table I saw two envelopes my roommate had left for me from the mail. One was pink, with a handwritten address but no return address; the other was from the hospital. Another bill. Always one to take the bad news first, I anxiously opened the bill.

But it wasn't a bill. It was a notice informing me that the hospital had reviewed my application for financial hardship, and had decided to dismiss 80% of the charges I had incurred.

Stunned with disbelief, I turned to the pink mystery envelop, and pulled from it a single sheet of paper. In large, colorful letters, were written the words, "It's all for Him," along with a single Bible verse: "For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power and everything is for his glory" (Romans 11:36).

...Except I could barely read through the verse, given that by this time, of course, my eyes were completely flooded. (I later found out it had been sent by a friend, who simply had felt led to mail the verse to me.)

Overwhelmed, shocked, grateful and awed beyond words, I paced my house, humming a beautiful Sufjan Stevens melody that had been in my head all day. Realizing I didn't actually know any of the words, I went to look them up. Sucker for symbolism that I am, I was halfway daring the lyrics to fit the moment, so I wasn't even that surprised at what I read:

When the revenant came down
We couldn't imagine what it was
In the spirit of three stars
The alien thing that took its form
Then to Lebanon, oh God
The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow
Oh, history involved itself
Mysterious shade that took its form
Or what it was, incarnation, three stars
Delivering signs and dusting from their eyes

So once again, I've found myself with the proof that my mind, and even my heart, sometimes crave - proof that God loves, that God cares, that God is. And I am so humbled.

Teens stripping online for charity....way to go, Virgin Mobile

Seriously?

Virgin has since changed its campaign (somewhat), after receiving massive criticism during a test run. But they obviously still don't get it...as if scribbling out the word "strip" (so that you can still read it) and saying "unzip me" is going to discourage any such videos á la the campaign's original intent.

As both a marketer and a nonprofit worker, I'm gonna say something I've thought for a long time: I think that sometimes, cause marketing is just shit.

And Virgin definitely crossed the line on this one.

CRAZY Japanese water art

how funny

So I'm distantly related to this guy through the Rand name, which apparently means that I have some (very distant) black cousins in Atlanta. Whoulda thunk it :)

Call + Response: The Film

"Never forget - justice is what love looks like in public!" -Dr. Cornel West

(*Give it a minute to load; it's worth it!)

Attn: wannabe Raleigh street performers

(putting in a plug for me dear ol' dad, the VP of SP..)

Streetlight Productions exists to help you improve your art of street performance. They do cool stuff for Raleigh's street performers (and those who want to become one), like offering deeply discounted street performance permits and workshops geared toward mastering the street art scene...

Just stick to the music, Bono!

...is what some people are saying (and have been saying).


I just don't know. Yes, part of me thinks it's a bit dodgy that he legally moved (or the band did? I can't remember which) so that his U2 money wouldn't have to go to Irish taxes. But then again, isn't he using that untaxed money for good? (Or as Shane Claiborne might ask, if he's using the money to further the kingdom of God rather than furthering the government's agenda, what's the problem? Though I'm not saying that's what he's doing.)

I know a lot of people, my father included, think some of Bono's philanthropic efforts are misguided. He does indeed have the power to influence a lot of people, and that influence shouldn't be taken lightly.

But really...he could be using his fame and fortune to glamorize a crappily hedonistic celebrity lifestyle, couldn't he?

That's all I'm saying.

(PS - somewhat unrelatedly, how's this for irony)

Mysterium fidei

...mystery of faith...




I just got back from the Jesus for President tour stop in Raleigh, and am fascinated. What an evening of beautiful storytelling, heartwrenching music and discomforting challenges.

There were heavy southern (American) accents, old timey bluegrass, and Middle Eastern wails. Letters from soldiers, and scorn of America as the world's god. There was love overflowing, and messages that would make my patriotic father furious, most likely.

Surprisingly, Shane Claiborne and friends touched on many struggles I've been dealing with for several years related to politics, patriotism, the role of the Church, and what the gospel of Christ really means for the world, and the United States of America, today.

Lots to think about.

breaking the musicfast!

More than a year ago (several?) I basically stopped buying music. For real. For the same reason that I try not to buy chocolate, or buy ice cream, or start watching a new series I've never watched online (where all the episodes are available at once): once I start, I very nearly can't stop. Pandora.com is probably the only thing that allowed me to do this; otherwise I would have died inside from lack of new music. But I think it's time for the fast to end, and I can't wait to start splurging on...

• Beyoncé! Somehow I own nothing of her music...I think she is one of the most talented pop (in the broad sense) music-makers out there today. girl power music at its best - love it.
• Over the Rhine. newly introduced to them and she's basically who I want to be.
• Emilliana Torrini. beautiful voice, entrancing music.
• Eisley's newest album...i'm still steaming from having gotten the time wrong for a recent show, and walking in right after they finished.
• The Album Leaf. chill and pretty.
• Sufjan Stevens. been listening to him for years...to the same 4 songs. dumb. no more.
• Patty Griffin...everything I don't already have :)
• Bjork
  
• Chris Thile
  
• Nickel Creek - everything! i only had one album, and I've lost even that one. not owning NC is like an insult to music.
• Rocky Votolato
  
• Mason Jennings. his music makes me feel so happy, haha
• The Frames. going backward from having listened to The Swell Season first, the Frames are just as great.
• Coldplay's newest. I feel silly even admitting that one.
• Ray LaMontagne...everything i don't already have.
• Rich Price.
• Damien Rice! how do i only have 2 songs?? ridiculous.
• ...and more Ray Charles, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Doris Day, Rosemary Clooney, Rachmaninoff, Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Turina, Mozart, Beethoven, Elgar..

And that's pretty much scratching the surface. mmmmm i can almost taste the forthcoming musical goodness now :)

Love & Loss

A dear friend of mine is working through his fourth month since his wife of many years passed away from cancer. By no means is he dealing with any kind of hopeless despair (his blog can show you why) but experiencing his grief and loss is certainly the most prominent feature of his life at this time.

At one point he said something I've heard many times before: "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."

That's something I've never really believed, at least not for my nature and personality. But, oddly enough, I've been having to concede that perhaps that is the only kind of loss of love I would accept if it meant having the kind of love that my friend and his wife so clearly shared when she was alive. I say odd, because I truly cannot imagine a more painful kind of loss - and that loss is only so great because the love was so great - and yet the greatness of the love makes the prospect of such pain worthwhile, or at least bearable.

But I have witnessed other kinds of love lost that I want nothing to do with; and there is where I don't believe it's "better to have loved and lost." There are some things, in my mind, that don't make the loss worthwhile.

Again, that's for myself, anyway. My concession there, though, has to be that maybe I can only say that because I've never been in love and so don't know what I'm missing. But still...from where I stand, it isn't always worth it.

Probably something people would say I need to figure out how to deal with, but oh well. :P

Here, have a time slot.

I have often had a hard time believing that it is both necessary and good that my life must be orchestrated around what can fit into specified blocks of time...30 minutes on this afternoon here, 2 hours on that evening there...

But, if I am to:

build relationships with the people around me like I want to,

be involved with social justice like I want to be,

earn a living wage like I have to,

and spend time just reading/writing/musicking/resting/vegging/exercising etc. like I need to,

(and do everything else that crops up in life that must be done)

...then I believe that partitioning my life into time slots is the only way to get to do it all.

I do believe that the American life is different from much of the world in its speed, and think that there are certainly some Americans who could do with a little less speed. If you're flying through a life based around your career (or anything else) at a breakneck speed and it is draining you, then you need to slow down.

But while I can still do all this and be energized rather than drained, then I will continue to do it. Especially because I think one day this will change (read: when I have a family) -- while I'm not accountable to anyone else (I mean, not to the level that you are when you have your own family), I want to be as completely involved in this stuff as I can be.

Yeah, spontaneity is kind of sacrificed when that is the kind of life you lead, in a way. Although...it makes me laugh that I intentionally try to schedule space into my week and month that has nothing actually scheduled in it, so that I can have time to either just relax/recoup or do something spontaneously fun...does scheduling opportunities for spontaneity mean it's no longer spontaneous??? ahhhhh :) haha.

And I have decided that sometime in the next year, I am going to try to realize a long-time goal of mine and seek a weekend (or more) of individual retreat at a monastic guest house. Preferably a really old one :)

It's all about the balance.

So, for this stage of my life, time slots it is, then.

Should I stay, or should I go?

...except, now that I think about it, that's not really an apt title for this post. Because my question isn't so much about "should I, or shouldn't I?"...

I've had a few recent conversations about how much I am loving getting ingrained into the fabric of my community (Raleigh...never thought I'd say that), but how I never like to make "life" plans more than 6 months out, because...I don't want it to be hard to pull up roots. Partly because there's a piece of me that longs to be a part of a world outside of the United States of America.

But the truth is, it would be hard for me to pull up roots; there's no getting around it. A friend I just had a beach weekend with was talking about how she's feeling pulled to something international, possibly, and all I can think is, "you just moved to North Carolina and are looking for your second job here - how can you even be thinking about leaving already?"

Oh, Melinda :)

A joke from this past weekend is about how "slow" I am - with getting ready, with getting places, with making decisions, with everything. 'Tis true, I own that one. Part of the problem is probably that I don't have a problem with that particular characteristic of mine, hehe. Anyway, maybe that just means that I do things in life slowly, and that this is okay - maybe I will slowly become a part of this community of Raleigh, NC, and one day will perhaps slowly grow into a totally new life somewhere else.

So really, it's not a matter of should I or shouldn't I (not yet, anyway) - just a matter of taking care to fulfill God's mission for me right here, right now. And hopefully He'll make it obvious when the "here" needs to change.

Arrrr!

My pirate name is:

Mad Jenny Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

(I think this is what happens when you're trying to do work at 11:30 at night..)

Come celebrate the 4th of July with the homeless!

The following is taken from the LoveWinsAlways blog.

---------------------------------

A lot of people have wanted to know some practical ways they could help in our mission of loving the poor, homeless and destitute of Raleigh, North Carolina. Here is your chance.

At 4pm on the Fourth of July, 2008 we are going to have a cookout in Moore Square (click here for a map) in downtown, Raleigh. There will be hot dogs, baked beans, watermelon, soft drinks and much more (we hope, anyway). If somebody could bring some guitars and such, that would be pretty cool too.

Why are we doing this, you ask? Several reasons:

• Because while no doubt you have friends and loved ones to spend the Fourth with, many of the homeless and poor do not. Bring your friends and loved ones with you.

• Because on holidays the soup kitchens are closed, so any free meals usually consist of bag lunches with peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Surely we can do better than that?

• Because when the poor go hungry, it ticks Jesus off.

• Because you need more friends who have less than you do.

• Because you will get to eat with some really cool people.

• Because things like friendship, community, dignity and happiness are important in the Kingdom of God.

• Because while everyone else is celebrating their allegiance to the American Empire (the same Empire that often says your worth is related to your net worth), we can show our ultimate allegiance to the Kingdom of God, which says these people are priceless and worth fighting for.

NOTE: The purpose of this event is not to win souls, to pass out tracts or to break out with the street preaching. Instead, we want to have fun, to meet new people and to show the love of God in the way of Jesus.

If this sounds like something you would like to be a part of, we need lots of food and help to pull this off. Leave a comment below or send me an email and I will send you a list of things we need.

i don't understand bored.

Really, I don't. I don't at all know how to relate to people who don't know what to do with their time and thus sometimes must wallow in that annoyance called boredom...seriously, I would be happy to take some of their disposable time off their hands (and I'm not talking about for purposes of getting the house clean or finally doing all the laundry).

Because I have come to the unsatisfactory but realistic conclusion that I will never be able to do everything I want at a given point in my life, because there are simply way too many things I want to do.

Right now, I'm:

• learning about cultural competence as it relates to the response to human trafficking
• developing a network of local faith communities to respond to local human trafficking
• painting a little bit
• going to a weekly homegroup for my church
• starting a journey group-discipleship thing with a couple other girls
• trying to learn how to be a booking agent for a music artist
• planning wall murals for a children's clinic
• teaching women's self-defense (on hiatus for a few more months until the ol' knee heals up!)
• working out sort of regularly (is that an oxymoron?)
  

But I ALSO want to:

• start writing articles again
• paint a lot more
• start a mixed media project
• get involved in community theater
• start/front a jazz band
• somehow find myself singing for a not-jazz band (even after years, I've never really figured out what that means...some kind of cross between Over the Rhine and Regina Spektor and Natasha Bedingfield and Fiona Apple and Patty Griffin and Schuyler Fisk)
• hike/bike the state parks and greenways
• really learn how to salsa
• work out very regularly
  
• start ballet again
• learn how to use my loop station and compose avant cello songs
  
• learn how to play guitar, at least enough to legitimately do open mic nights
• do Jubilee-type work full time
• learn to become a decent photographer
  

The frustrating thing is none of these things are out of the realm of doability in and of themselves - they're not those lofty dream-goals I had/I still have like "live in Spain" or "open a chocolate shop." The only solution I can wrap my brain around is that maybe I'll eventually get things out of my system so I can start spending pieces of my life on the next thing.

I can't help but think, though, that there are very few things on either of those lists I'll actually want to quit. I mean, the three things I was doing and am not doing now (writing articles, taking ballet and teaching self-defense) I want to go back to! How am I ever going to get to all the new things I want to do?

Basically, the likely reality is that there will be things in life that I really want to do, but they'll just have to get the shaft, because there is only so much of me to go around, and I'll have to get over it.

This post probably sounds like I'm trying to impress people because I'm "so very interesting, look at all the things I want to do!" but seriously, I'm just trying to work through said "get over it" process. Blah.

ShellyRhettLink

I would just like to put in plugs for my friends Shelly of the Shelly Moore Band and Rhett and Link of...Rhett & Link. (Okay, so I've never actually met Link...but it's almost like you just can't say Rhett anymore without also saying Link. Sorry, Rhett. 'n'Link.)

Both exceptionally talented groups, one is currently promoting their beautifully crafted album of heartfelt worship(ful) songs, and the other is launching their coverage of their Alka-Seltzer Great American Road Trip today. Personally, I think one is among the cream of the crop of Christian artists out there, and the other is going to soon be giving those FreeCreditReport.com and Embarq guys all a run for their money. How Shelly is going to pull it off I just don't know, but....kidding. I'm pretty sure their pictures give an idea of who would be doing what..

But you know what they both are? AWESOME. Check them out.

Halos? Really?

Corporate people tend to see cause marketing (when corporations and businesses align themselves with a cause or charity - like the partnership between McDonalds' and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital) as a great beneficial relationship, one that raises money and positive notoriety for the cause and boosts goodwill (and thus possibly sales) toward the corporation.

I've heard non-corporate people make scathing remarks about cause marketing as an empty, shallow ploy that exploits charity for the corporation's own gain.

I don't think it's ever so black-and-white, 100% of the time. I don't doubt that there are some businesses that, were cause marketing a nonexistent concept, are truly driven by selfish (or at the least, ignorant) people who would see no reason to help others if it doesn't help them -- but there are others that would engage in charitable practices anyway, because it's the right and socially responsible thing to do.

And I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a corporate marketing director working on cause marketing who is sniggering greedily about what an unwitting tool their charity is.

I do admit that it feels a bit odd to have a ceremony to "hand out the halos;" that seems taking it a bit far...but if cause marketing benefits a cause that could use the help (as most all causes could), does it matter if the company's intentions are less than purely altruistic?

Even if I wasn't a hippie...

...there's still no way I would ever understand the mindset that drives women to do this: http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/1093016.html

There is a 14-year-old girl who was forced to be a sex slave right here in Wake County, NC.

I encourage you to read this and other news about human trafficking going on in our country, and in our state. The abolitionist group I'm involved with has a wiki set up that includes state and national articles (see "Media Reports")...including a story from the N&O today about a sex trafficking case right here in Wake County.

ramble and muse..

I just had an interesting question/thought.

Since my "depressive period" three years ago, I have had to make a continual and active effort to never return there, to never indulge in those lines of thinking that I know can lead me there. In times of crisis it is necessarily a more concentrated effort, and that is where I find myself now, with my lovely big health insurance nightmare.

Anyway, my tendencies (or I think that's actually too strong of a word...but I can't think of a lesser one for now) being something I'm more conscious of these days, I've had the subject of depression on my mind more - well, because of that and also just because it's a subject that kind of fascinates me, as a matter of psychology and sociology.

ANYway, just now in the midst of one of said musings, it struck me how there would be so many more healthy and happy people (or at least, perhaps, healthier and happier) were it not for shame. When I look back on my own experiences, finally learning to be open with others about my hardship was hands down the first and biggest movement toward a recovery. The thing that prevented this step for nearly half a year was, quite irrefutably, shame. People thought I had things together. I didn't want anyone to know I was broken.

And then it struck me how so many women involved in some kind of abuse or trafficking or exploitation don't seek help because of shame, because the pain they live in somehow seems better than the pain of being exposed. Some cultures actually even hold to the belief that, for example, a woman who is raped has been shamed and she should rather die than be exposed and bring shame to her family. As if it was her choice to start with.

And so my question is, WHY? If our culture(s) didn't denigrate people who have fallen victim to depression, abuse, mental illness etc., I truly believe many individuals would feel so much freer to seek the help they need, be it medical, legal, or maybe just a conversation with a friend.

The real shame is how people respond to the broken. Brokenness in certain forms is disturbing to "non-broken" people who don't know how to deal with with it, and so they don't want to hear about it. And that's the sentiment that our society has built itself on (maybe it's better than 50 years ago, but there's still a long way to go), and those who are broken know this, they feel it, and so they keep quiet in their own little mental dungeons.

And the funny thing is, I don't actually believe that "non-broken" people exist. I'm not sure why over time, certain things got singled out to have shame attached to them, why there are some things that people just don't like to talk about. It took me over a year, I think, to be able to talk freely about depression, and now it's no big deal - to me. But I still get the feeling that for someone to speak freely about something like that, to someone who has never experienced anything similar, it is a bit shocking and uncomfortable. And I think that's a problem.

Slavery STILL Exists (i.e., if you want to stay in the dark, don't read this)

I have been digging through the world of human trafficking for the past half-year, and am continually becoming convinced that one of the greatest shames, one of the greatest tragedies, is that so many people in the United States and throughout the world have no idea that this is even going on.

Almost every one I know in this fight has a story similar to mine, and it's one with a common theme of shock. I mean, I'd always known about "sweatshops" and "sex slaves" and the like, but really, I had no idea...I didn't think about it much. I didn't know it was like this. I didn't know the trade of human beings is the third most active criminal enterprise worldwide, next only to drugs and firearms. I didn't know that numbers-wise, slavery captures many more lives today than did the transatlantic slave trade of a couple centuries ago.

* * *

Though not technically visually graphic, this video is disturbing, as it should be. But if you can't watch it, at least watch the second one, for Radiohead's "All I Need."

Communitas.

There's a big push in the Christian world (at least, among my generation) toward all things "community" and "relationships" and the like. I am intrigued by it all, from New Monasticism to Nieu Communities to less-hardcore versions like my church's "journey groups" (intentional, spiritually-focused relationships between three or four of the church body).

I can't say I embrace it all though, at least not practically. Part of me thrills at the thought of being refined by fire (as it surely would be for this girl, who loves her privacy dearly) through an intimate community of believers that reaches out to the surrounding community-at-large just as much as it grows closer and more connected to each other and God from within.

But...

The problem with the other (bigger) part of me is that, ironically, I have finally achieved what I have been aiming to achieve for the last 24 years. I am settled in a nice apartment in a lovely part of town with a great roommate and a wonderful church and great friends and a good job, and am heartily time-invested in several causes that are important to me...and the last thing I want to do is to shake all that up.

And I will admit something that I have never before dared to admit beyond the confines of my own mind: for several years, I've had a Jonah-esque fear that God may one day ask me let him shake my life up, and move me far, far away to who knows where, to do who knows what.

I've never admitted that aloud, because I have this dumb idea that I will jinx it into happening if I do (as if I could trick God into not asking, simply by never mentioning it...)

I think that's one reason I have been pretty adamant about not ever making big life plans for anything further than 6 months out - because if God did want me to do something totally uncomfortable, at least it might be less painful than if I had to be absolutely ripped away from the roots I had been so focused on growing..

That, and (and this might sound stupid, but it's honest) I have this idea that doing anything for God - like moving to a rural South American community, or joining a ministerial community in my own state, or what have you - means begging people for money, and the very thought of that makes my insides cringe. Fundraising makes me miserable - it rubs hard against the grain of my very personality, and I never want to have to do it.

Ah, me. Call me a coward, but I'm just not going to think about any of that much, for now.

proceso, no producto...

orrr, not.

I normally love that philosophy I first learned from from my favorite Spanish teacher, "process, not product." But as far as this new knee goes, I'm all about getting this process over and getting the final product.

However, good news is that apparently "I must be a fast healer" as my PT said today, as the process is going very well. Though, if there's one word that I would use to describe this whole process, it would be, irrefutably: weird.

Weird, because...

• One's first surgery experience is necessarily so, I think. I don't remember falling asleep, or waking up. And I never thought I could possibly be so glad for a bedpan as I was at about 2pm on April 24. Thank goodness I was on inhibition-reducing drugs, or else I would probably have refused it...and that just couldn't have ended well.

• When everything you do requires very slow, incremental movements (or in the first week, hardly any movement at all), you get into a time warp. I have been in a time warp for 12 days, almost two weeks since my surgery!! What?? How? (Everything takes so long to do, and with so much concentration and carefulness, that time actually goes by very quickly..and yet I never seem to be getting much done.)

• It's so strange that one week of sitting in a chair weakens you so much that you'll take months and months to recover your strength.

• I feel like an elderly person. In addition to my crutches I have a walker in the kitchen, a cane in the bathroom and a chair in the shower (the last three of which belong to my grandma...who apparently is getting around much better than I am these days). And now that I'm weaning off of one crutch, I am walking (shuffling) even more slowly now.

• Perhaps the strangest (and most wonderful) thing is that I have experienced next-to-no pain this whole time, and with minimal help from strong meds (which I quit after about six days anyway, because they were making me sick!) I think I can only attribute that to the prayers on my behalf, because that definitely makes no sense! So thank you if you prayed!...the doctors did a phenomenal job, or I have a super pain-resisting body, or something, but I am so grateful that on top of the many inconveniences, the only bodily discomfort I've really had to deal with was side affects from the drugs during the first week. Even PT isn't very bad...I didn't even remember to take Tylenol beforehand today and I was fine.

12 days down, about six months to go...but I seriously think I've about finished the hardest part, thank God!!!!!

(that picture was actually the day of the surgery...the Robogirl leg has been gone for about a week now, replaced with a very misshapen-but-getting-stronger-every-day appendage. I'll take that.)