Me pregunto yo,...

I often wonder what it is that makes us think we are alone in the rough edges of our lives. Why is it so easy to think that no one could even approach understanding? It's so foolish to think "no one knows." Even the words I've heard in some songs should teach me that. Besides, I have found time and time again that if I would just suck it up and open my mouth (my heart, really) to my friends, I'm not going to get a blank stare or a fake smile of sympathy. I'm going to be encouraged, even if just by virtue of the fact that I know they love me and are listening.

It's so dangerous to wallow in pain and hardship and yet not share it...'wallowing' is such an awkward, ugly word, but i think accurately decribes the sentiment I'm trying to convey here.

What I would say I don't understand is why it isn't easier. In the ideal world, bathed in righteousness and God's perfect love that casts out all fear, everyone in the community of believers would be so in tune with one another that sheer freedom with each other would characterize all our interactions. We would be so continuously connected in spirit that sharing in everything would be the most natural thing in the world, and happily we would tell something if we needed to. There would instinctively, automatically, be no barriers.

Thing is, though, I'm afraid I do understand....and that what I just described is heaven, more or less, and we as humans beings can only long for that perfect community.

That being said, I'll not neglect to rejoice in the measures of grace God has imparted to me over the years by way of my brothers and sisters.

As a very wise man once phrased it, "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."

:)

(Brought To You By Your Friendly Neighborhood Band)

OneLessFrame
* 7 p.m. this coming Tuesday, the 4th
* @ Beans and Screens (Main Street, Buies Creek)

On Walls

Last semester, a mentor-friend concluded an interesting conversation by suggesting to me that I start paying attention to how I "emotionally respond to each of my friends," as a kind of personal character study of sorts. Never was really quite sure what he meant by that or what it was supposed to accomplish. I think it's supposed to help me discover why I can be incredibly emotionally closed off in certain situations, or how to fix that, or...something like that.

I was about to say that I think I've pretty much gotten a lot of my internal motivations worked out and reconciled, but I bet that'd be pretty foolish to say...I still wish I would not become embarrassed when 'caught' being emotional or vulnerable. I wish I did not resent FEELING strongly in certain situations; I wish "feeling" was not such a dirty word to my subconscious. I wish I didn't have cause to worry about how my "theories," however unwillingly I hold to them, will cause me to respond when put to the test.

It might seem strange to some of you to consider me as one of those cold-hearted ice queens, because, well, I'm not really like that with any of you, but...some of you know what I mean, though I'm not really inclined to expound upon it at this point (this is where my disclaimer "Sorry, but sometimes I write for my benefit, not yours" comes in. author's privilege...). Ask me later.

Things are gonna have to change some day, I guess. Just kinda afraid of what it's gonna take..




I built these walls with blinders on my eyes
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame

-s.n.t.r.-

O Carolina Ballet,

How I have missed thee...'twas a most pleasant evening.



But I beseech thine artistic director--dare not cast again the lead with someone who holds more than thrice the proper age..

yeah, i like that :)

"If yo' my friend and yo' hoitin', I'm hoitin' too. Until yo' bettuh, we'll hoit togethuh."
~Buckwheat Zydeco as heard on NPR's Weekend America

I am blessed.

Whether I see them multiple times a day or pratically never at all, my friends bless me (really, even the ones i barely see these days...i miss you.)

I am far too tired to state that more eloquently, but i hope earnestness is revealed in the simplicity.

Poll: will blogspot be the death of melinda's "good" grades?

Pensaba que iría a ir al Oasis y estudiar; pensaba que aprovecharía de este último minuto. Pero. Casi nunca lo hago así, entonces…¿por qué cambia ahora?

Bromeo..bueno, en serio, sólo es que el español me hace falta porque las oportunidades para usarlo en este pueblito practicamente no existen y cada día me doy cuenta cuánto estoy olvidando y lo LAMENTO…¿cómo se dice “run-on sentence?” :)

Realmente, lo que querría decir es que esta noche pasó otra experiencia maravillosa y al mismo tiempo, pues…digamos, me dio goosebumps. Ya no tengo ganas para explicarlo explícitamente (y no importa tampoco, ya que más o menos nadie quien lee esto habría puesto comprenderlo, si sí lo hiciera…quizás tú, sarah, aunque no leerás esto por semanas, me imagino). Pero, digamos, era uno de esos momentos cuando estoy como sobrecargada con la majestad que es Nuestro Señor, y al mismo tiempo, el “terrible-ness.” Terribledad. Jeje. Es como lamento el estado triste del ser humano, de TODOS nosotros seres humanos, y al mismo tiempo me regocijo al Amor que absolutamente invalida esto. ¡Qué poder!!! Es decir, a veces siento profundamente el amor de Dios, pero este amor es tan infinito y tan fuertísimo, tan supernatural, que al mismo tiempo es terrible. Debo decir, terrible en el sentido como el Aslan de C.S. Lewis, si me entiendes—no es una mala cosa.

YA...me voy a estudiar por fin...






but what is love?
this is love,
that You would die for me;
when I'm falling down,
you save me
this is how I know what love is

~1 John 4:10, as brought to you by CoolHandLuke.

I'd just like to say,

Murder by Death's Sarah Balliet pretty much rocks. (*even in spite of bad scene-kid hair)

You know you want to..

No one would happen to want to go see Switchfoot and Eisley on November 4th at the Norva in VA, would they?


no? oh. well, okay...


it was worth a shot.

Nobody likes static...or do they?

The Bebo Norman song, "Where the Trees Stand Still," just came up on my iTunes rotation. I've always loved that song for it's musical simplicity and earnestness, though there continued to be something about it that didn't sit quite right with me. I couldn't figure it out, really, because it sure sounded all well and good.

But I just realized, though Bebo may sing, "now I just want to live where the trees stand still..."

...I don't.

Maybe it was written from the perspective of someone who's seen a lot more of life than I have. But a static, comfy-cozy-white-picket-fence life does not pull at my soul in the slightest..

Ironic, considering I'm rather scared to be on my own soon.

Note To Self

hush
the stillness would speak,
should you choose to listen
should you quit your pomp and circumstance
should you quietly deny the commotion that would command you,
running rampant about your life, your room, your mind

hushmaketime
sing no bold-yet-vacant lines~
utter naught but whispers, if need be
and give ear to that which calls
lay down your arms, your pen, their words,
and pick up His own
then with eyes drawn shut and heart laid bare, know freedom

for a moment...fall out of the fight, and into the silence~
one of which never was yours,
the other which longs to be
for the whisper in the wind to you would speak,
should you choose to listen

silence shines golden in the light of what is waiting
so h u s h...

I lied to you, Michelle.

I'm not going to do something productive before the game. Unless you consider "emotionally/intellectually/introspectively productive" a viable option.... :-)

I mentioned earlier that I've discovered I have a tendency to "look down" on certain groups of Christians, and for a ridiculous reason...but let me back up.

Pretty much my entire life I've encountered/been surrounded by Christians who are (supposedly) zealous in their faith, a trait (for lack of a better word) which is very much expressed in their words. For example, one will very frequently hear (or read, depending on the medium of comm.) these persons make frequent statements alluding to the goodness of God, His majesty, kindness, etc. One will hear petitions that [fill in the blank] would be for God's glory and His alone; one will hear oft-proclaimed thanksgiving for any number of blessings...or, even blessings in disguise. And so on and so forth; you get the picture.

I've recently discovered that, sadly, I have subconsciously conditioned myself to reject statements such as these as anything based on any kind of sincerity, if it comes from someone I don't know very intimately and whose sincerity I cannot blindly trust. I hear someone say in everyday, non-religious-themed conversation, "Praise God," and my first emotionally-based response is, "like they really have thought about that." I read someone's blog where someone thanked God for His amazing graciousness and faithfulness, and the first thing I think is, "suck up" (not necessarily to God, but to whomever may be reading). I know, I know...

Looking back, I realized that so many of those Christians who have crossed paths with me for one reason or another didn't back up what they said with their attitude, or with their actions. Or I could tell they were saying these things because they read that they were supposed to in "The Idiot's Guide For: Being a Good Little Christian," not because they really believed it. And this is why it's so hard for me to trust what people say.

And so, instead of rejoicing when those brothers and sisters whom I don't know very well rejoice, and instead of encouraging and being encouraged when they verbally seek for God to be glorified (and other things of that nature), I am immediately on my guard. Or, more accurately, I immediately assume the worst. Which happens to quietly, slyly manifest itself in my looking down on them before I even realize I am...

Perhaps it would behoove us to not ALWAYS take everything at face value, without any consideration, but I took it to the extreme. I really don't want to approach the community of believers, my community which sustains and encourages me, with pessimism and negativity.

¡Ay!

¡¡AYÚDAME!! MI PROFE NO SABE NADA DE LO QUE DEBEMOS ESTAR APRENDIENDO....

miento...no es cierto...pero, todavía...hemos pasado más que media hora hablando de un club que sirve solamente para una mitad de la clase. Y ahora estamos enseñándole como crear un aim screenname. Porque él no sabía lo que es.

Pensaba que esta clase serviría…vamos a ver. Espero que no me falte razón…

"If you could see it, then you'd understand.."

From the first lines of the opener til the last words of the finale, I was...enthralled.

Can words describe the outstanding artistic achievement that was last night's Coldplay concert? Perhaps, but I don' t think I'm going to try, because if you weren't there, it'd be hard to communicate, and if you were, then...you know. And if you think anything in this post is an exaggeration...well, I consider that your problem, not mine. :)

Except to say that last night I attended the very best concert/show/musical performance I have ever experienced--thank you, Chris Martin and Coldplay. (*Have to give props to the lighting/video techs too...talk about a show unto it self.) [Or, you could be Katie Beck and say, "this was the best thing that has happened to me in my 20 years of existence...well, besides getting saved. But this was second." ;) ]

Riding back home, drifting in and out sleep in the backseat and with Mae serenading me from the front, was just about the best way to end that night...Falling into my bed at 1:00 this morning, with the images and sounds sifting through my mind, I really felt like I had been dreaming..

Spectacular artistry. That's all I can say.

do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?

do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?

do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?

do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?

do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?




Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)


In the meantime...

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Te echo de menos, Costa Rica

Yo oigo mi casa llamando mi nombre
Asimismo mis queridos me llaman
Mis ojos padecen de una gran hambre
Para ver otra vez sus vistas que aman

* * *

I wrote that poem for one of my classes down there this summer...it's about being homesick. And I just got back from the "Spanish For Heritage Speakers" class that I'm auditing, the class that I was unreasonably nervous about attending.

Turns out (of course) I love it, and it put a different spin on that poem...

I hope I can go back one day.

What would it be like...

...to be Bono's kid?




Just my random thought of the day..

Memory Shuffle

Two posts in one day....can you tell i'm duty? :)


So i finally got with the program and downloaded iTunes. Good stuff. I like the 'party shuffle,' even if I don't know why it has that particular name... But with all of my music being played randomly, I'm experiencing an interesting phenomenon: reliving memories attached to certain songs.

It's always been a wonder to me how songs literally record themselves in our brains as soundtracks to our life, recalling experiences and emotions from the past into the present. It's kinda cool....and kinda eerie, depending on the memory..

Three cheers for diversity!

I grew up going to a neighborhood school where most of my friends were evenly split between black, white, and Philipino--actually, Philipinos prob took the largest place. And I didn't even know until about a month ago, when my dad told me, that my family had been among the minorities in that neighborhood....I spent most of the summer surrounded by central americans (it was wonderful)....My family just moved to a neighborhood where again they are the minority (it's a mainly black neighborhood, with some asian, latino, and caucasian)--too bad I won't be around there much....And I had lunch today with a Vietnamese chick from my dorm and a girl from Hong Kong who goes to my church.....some immigrants have fascinating stories, let me tell you.



I'm so glad to have finally gotten out of the WASP bubble that was my post-California, pre-college life.



Diversity. It's good for you.

"You're asking for it, you know..."

Mmmmm, yep.

I'll admit it; I'm a closet drama queen.

Drama makes life interesting--completely precludes any chance of being bored.

I, who decry drama as ridiculous and unneccesary, crave it deep down. (For the record, I know as a confirmed fact that I am not the only one, so there.) It makes you feel alive.

Why on God's green earth something insides me begs for change, for a change of emotional, mental, and experiential scenery, I have yet to appreciate.

Even as I stand in the face of one of the biggest impending changes of my life, i.e., the transition from the world of children and half-children to the supposed "real world" of adults, a part of me wants something else different. Now.

I suppose 'drama,' as we call it, is generally considered a bad thing; the word has a negative connotation in this context. Of course, it has its after-effect benefits--you learn, you grow, etc. And really, I think there can be "good" drama, although I think it's usually more confined to ourselves rather than to our interactions with and responses to others. Good drama, I'd say, tends to be more situational than relational. But what happens when your life equalizes and levels out? Bad or good, once it's gone, you are left with the feeling that your life is boring. (At least that's how it is to me.)

So why is it that when we are in the midst of all things dramatic, we eagerly anticipate the end of it (with either the end of turmoil with the bad, or a sense of completion with the good)?

Human complexities and paradoxes really get me.