I have to vent this. except, 'vent' has an angry connotation to it, and i am not angry. heartbroken is a more apt word for the moment
or not so much for the moment, but for this period of September-June. my apprenticeship, as they call it. The more earthly parts of me wonder how i ended up here--a far, far cry from the non-profit sector professional development I thought I was signing up for. I work with people living with HIV/AIDs, and some of them are healthy, some of them are not so much, and some of them, we are surprised to find as we arrive to work each morning, have (just barely) made it another day.
my heart is breaking for the people who suffer under this disease,
my heart is breaking for the maltreatment they experience at the hands of both individuals and whole communities,
my heart is breaking for those who are bitter, see no hope and wish only to die,
my heart is breaking for the failure of the Church to love my modern-day lepers,
my heart is breaking for the many people who are as ignorant as I was six months ago, or worse--those who are beligerantly condemning.
but more than anything else, so much more than any of that,
my heart is breaking for how little everyone around me knows of God and his Son. Clients and co-workers alike. If they see God at all, it's only as one who bestows his merciful love and wants nothing in return, a being who exists as assurance for poor mortals that their suffering will inevitably end one day. The name of God is merely used as a comfort; the name of Christ does not exist here at all, that I can see. Most times, I wonder if anyone here knows Christ -- is it really possible that I'm the only one??? How could that be?
So many people acknowledge God's sovereignty, it seems, but they dance around with only that idea and nothing more, and it's almost as though for that, they're further away from Christ than the aetheist himself. That's a cruel irony that hurts more than almost anything.
I could never do this for "real"...I am amazed at and admiring of believers who are called by God to go into any kind of social aid, be it medicine or social work. Today at lunch my dad asked if I would take a job here if they offered it--or I should say, he started to ask, but didn't finish, as my laughter interrupted him.
I'm not jaded or bitter; I've said numerous times and still maintain that I wouldn't go back and choose a different path if I had a chance, and I don't believe I could possibly regret my having been here once my time is over. I just don't have the heart to be in this beyond the end I have already been given. I recently remarked to a friend that I can hardly see how it's possible to work with such in-your-face mortality and hold onto both your faith and your emotional sanity. Maybe such a perpetual reminder of the believer's burden is a good thing, but...I just don't know how people handle it.
Regardless of how I may be alternately grateful for and disgusted with how I "deal," a certain brand of stoicism becomes something of an art here. I'm usually pretty good about keeping it all reined in, and this is only the second time I've broken down behind the closed door of my office, but I just have to say this.
and prayer is the only thing i have to abate the heartache, i think.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
good words
Thursday, February 22, 2007
whoooshh"wwh...whahappened?"
It's Thursday?
That's awfully exciting. Not because I particularly like Thursdays (certainly not this one, as I have to work late again), but because it's already Thursday...I feel like I just started the work week.
And it's been like that for weeks now, with my time crashing forward, measured in eyeblinks. I love it.
9 days from now I will be exactly 3/5 of the way through my apprenticeship. Before I know it, it'll be June and graduation...and then I can finally, finally start The Next Phase. Whatever the heck that is.
That's awfully exciting. Not because I particularly like Thursdays (certainly not this one, as I have to work late again), but because it's already Thursday...I feel like I just started the work week.
And it's been like that for weeks now, with my time crashing forward, measured in eyeblinks. I love it.
9 days from now I will be exactly 3/5 of the way through my apprenticeship. Before I know it, it'll be June and graduation...and then I can finally, finally start The Next Phase. Whatever the heck that is.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
oopsie daisy baby
I bet I'll never be stopping
the spilling of overgrown words
They fall out of my mouth, roll off my hand,
and who knows where they land but
I'll be saying them anyway, everyday always
Though they may seem not to fit,
though at the trying on of them
they seem too much meant for the sophisticate,
their pith and marrow fill my own bones
and make me feel strong and sharp and able,
helping me pretend that I am wise and
can handle the handfuls of whatnot,
can step over the wretched tripping clods
that let me forget-them-not,
that trip my baby feet and steal my baby breath
Funny though
how someone with such a supposed arsenal at her disposal
will dance around, weapon in hand,
that which she really means--
See me dancing and maybe I'm kicking up ramparts
to stall the running of marrow that matters
to the bones of my heart--
But who knows
maybe one day I'll be dancing up to the top of the walls
some strange melody lulling me to sense of safety
and with me singing away
like the Shakespearean apes,
I'll accidentally say everything I mean
the spilling of overgrown words
They fall out of my mouth, roll off my hand,
and who knows where they land but
I'll be saying them anyway, everyday always
Though they may seem not to fit,
though at the trying on of them
they seem too much meant for the sophisticate,
their pith and marrow fill my own bones
and make me feel strong and sharp and able,
helping me pretend that I am wise and
can handle the handfuls of whatnot,
can step over the wretched tripping clods
that let me forget-them-not,
that trip my baby feet and steal my baby breath
Funny though
how someone with such a supposed arsenal at her disposal
will dance around, weapon in hand,
that which she really means--
See me dancing and maybe I'm kicking up ramparts
to stall the running of marrow that matters
to the bones of my heart--
But who knows
maybe one day I'll be dancing up to the top of the walls
some strange melody lulling me to sense of safety
and with me singing away
like the Shakespearean apes,
I'll accidentally say everything I mean
Monday, February 19, 2007
lovely, dark and deep
Robert Frost was such a master at his craft.
His "Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening" has always spoken to me with its gently beautiful imagery, but I think the part that speaks to me most strongly is the last three lines, particularly the third-to-last. Something about "but I have promises to keep" has always called to mind such a tender affection for his family (how I've imagined it since I first read it) that it makes me want to close my eyes and smile.
That, and the fact that I will forever associate this poem with the song my friend wrote around it. It's so amazingly beautiful, and she wrote me into it, and we haven't played it in a couple years but now her senior composition recital is coming up and it's being revived as one of the selections. I just came back from rehearsal and I feel like dancing slowly through falling snow. :)
Everybody should come hear it and the rest of her showcase, March 19. :)
His "Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening" has always spoken to me with its gently beautiful imagery, but I think the part that speaks to me most strongly is the last three lines, particularly the third-to-last. Something about "but I have promises to keep" has always called to mind such a tender affection for his family (how I've imagined it since I first read it) that it makes me want to close my eyes and smile.
That, and the fact that I will forever associate this poem with the song my friend wrote around it. It's so amazingly beautiful, and she wrote me into it, and we haven't played it in a couple years but now her senior composition recital is coming up and it's being revived as one of the selections. I just came back from rehearsal and I feel like dancing slowly through falling snow. :)
Everybody should come hear it and the rest of her showcase, March 19. :)
I just love these words.
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteous;
No merit of my own I claim
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace;
In every high and story gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, his covenant, his blood
Sustain me in the raging flood;
When all supports are washed away,
He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When he shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in him be found,
Clothed in his righteousness alone,
Redeemed to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
Than Jesus’ blood and righteous;
No merit of my own I claim
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace;
In every high and story gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, his covenant, his blood
Sustain me in the raging flood;
When all supports are washed away,
He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When he shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in him be found,
Clothed in his righteousness alone,
Redeemed to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
the LONG (and short) of it
It's really cold in the apartment, but I'm glad because it means my roommate remembered to turn the heat down while we were both gone for the weekend....i'm proud of her :) (I won't tell you the $amount on our embarrassingly high power bill we received last month that is now prompting the turning down of the heat whenever we are gone.)
On the way home from my PA retreat, I ended up at my friend's house and consequently met her girlfriend, an encounter to which I had somewhat uncomfortably been trying to figure out how to respond. I don't want to act in a way that would imply approval on my part, right? Shouldn't be standoffish for obvious reasons; shouldn't be overeager, either, because that would look like I'm compensating for what my friend pretty much already knows are my views...what to do? Then I realized what a silly internal conversation this was, and was kind of ashamed, as I shouldn't have even been thinking about how I was going to "treat" her girlfriend. I should just show her some love like I would anyone else, because she is anyone else. Yes, it was confusing/discomforting to have the opposite of my belief acted out before me (particularly given that I kept forgetting her gf was a girl, and given they were publicly quite a touchy-feely couple, which I always find a little unsettling regardless of the sexuality of the pair), but I also think our society (not just the Church) has been erroneous in placing such a huge amount of focus on homosexuality relative to other issues. And that's as far as I'm going on that for now.
I wanted to run this evening, which would not be a remarkable statement for most people, but is for me, given that I hate running. Well, except when I find myself in a suddenly high-stress situation, in which case I feel the need to sprint for about five minutes...but that's it. But today, partly because I'd been cooped up in the car for so many hours this weekend, partly because I've been feeling generally unhealthy these past weeks (months) due to my total lack of exercise and ridiculously poor eating habits, I really wanted to run it out for at least half an hour (in case you missed the point I previously tried to make, this desire has never before presented itself in my entire life. Actually that's not true; it happened once before, my junior year of college). All that to say, once I got home, I was sorely disappointed to find that it is freaking cold (which had been counted on; had already been planning during the drive home what could be worn to compensate), and unreasonably blustery (not counted on; more than my non-running-loving self could muster up the courage to face). Darn it all, I hope my going to sleep tonight does not somehow reset this desire back to nil. They say running is the fastest way to get into shape. They say.
I have been contemplating of late just how much I crave everyday interaction with fellow believers, particularly in the workplace. I am wondering if I went from being in a completely "Christian-y" internship last year to purposefully jumping into a very "secular" program this year, just to soon end up back in the Christian-y world (at least for a spell), which honestly is what a lot of me wants right now. But if that is what God wants, I'll be okay with all these switchbacks.
I'm reading Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now, and while I do not espouse its rep of living up to its name, it has made me think (i.e., worry) even more than before about how scary it will be to be a parent, and how I'm afraid I will be at a total loss for how to relate to/do right by my children, and how every word I breathe to them will be accompanied by a running stream of prayer, mainly as a means of protecting my child from myself. I pray for them once in a while already, too, which sounds silly, but given my familial neuroses it cannot be a bad idea...at the very least, it can't hurt.
On the one hand, I think it's weird that the rm and I are tenaciously single, given that [we think] we are, minus some inevitable foibles, pretty awesome; pretty not-crazy-in-the-bad-way; pretty good catches. Please don't hold this against us; we are not conceited, I assure you. While we have our occasional insecurities, we just happen to have relatively healthy levels of esteem for ourselves, at least in the match-worthy department. I recognize that it's uncommon for a girl to say this about herself rather than a friend, but "it's pretty strange that I haven't been snapped up" is honestly part of our thought processes.
On the other hand, I was reminded again of how anytime I see in someone any characteristic I deem attractive in a man, my first instinct is to retreat, which is a very backwards way of going about things. For a second I thought I might not say that once I saw its punniness but I shall leave there because, let's face it, I like puns; my dad has been infecting me with that embarrassing sense of humor basically ever since I learned to talk. Anyway, yes, I'm pretty certain that "attract" being a part of the phrase "attractive characteristics," there is little sense in said characteristics causing the observer, me, to be driven away, that being quite the opposite of attract. But of course, that is a very basic (and admittedly hyper-sensitive) display of the choice I outlined in the first part of my "road to love" metaphor from earlier, the part about letting yourself start down the road in the first place. But anyway, yeah, dear God, when will I stop being my own worst enemy? Good grief.
Being at the beach this weekend and lamenting the terrible inadequacy of my point-and-shoot has renewed my desire to save up for a dSLR...something recently put more in my reach upon my realizing that there are good-quality amateur dSLR's for well below $1,000...que bueno :) I'm just going to try to not think about all the car repairs that must suck my bank account dry before I can even allow myself to look at cameras.
I am in the middle of a personal musical-and-otherwise-artistic renaissance of sorts, and am fairly bursting with it, I wish you could see! Maybe you will soon. And the poetry, ohmygoodnessthepoetry, it's always making my right hand twitch. I've got to learn to tocar la guitarra, or I will just die from the bottled-up words. Just die, yes. :P
and I applaud you, Brittany, for just up and doing that which I have only been able to threaten to do for years. although you do look a little weird.
On the way home from my PA retreat, I ended up at my friend's house and consequently met her girlfriend, an encounter to which I had somewhat uncomfortably been trying to figure out how to respond. I don't want to act in a way that would imply approval on my part, right? Shouldn't be standoffish for obvious reasons; shouldn't be overeager, either, because that would look like I'm compensating for what my friend pretty much already knows are my views...what to do? Then I realized what a silly internal conversation this was, and was kind of ashamed, as I shouldn't have even been thinking about how I was going to "treat" her girlfriend. I should just show her some love like I would anyone else, because she is anyone else. Yes, it was confusing/discomforting to have the opposite of my belief acted out before me (particularly given that I kept forgetting her gf was a girl, and given they were publicly quite a touchy-feely couple, which I always find a little unsettling regardless of the sexuality of the pair), but I also think our society (not just the Church) has been erroneous in placing such a huge amount of focus on homosexuality relative to other issues. And that's as far as I'm going on that for now.
I wanted to run this evening, which would not be a remarkable statement for most people, but is for me, given that I hate running. Well, except when I find myself in a suddenly high-stress situation, in which case I feel the need to sprint for about five minutes...but that's it. But today, partly because I'd been cooped up in the car for so many hours this weekend, partly because I've been feeling generally unhealthy these past weeks (months) due to my total lack of exercise and ridiculously poor eating habits, I really wanted to run it out for at least half an hour (in case you missed the point I previously tried to make, this desire has never before presented itself in my entire life. Actually that's not true; it happened once before, my junior year of college). All that to say, once I got home, I was sorely disappointed to find that it is freaking cold (which had been counted on; had already been planning during the drive home what could be worn to compensate), and unreasonably blustery (not counted on; more than my non-running-loving self could muster up the courage to face). Darn it all, I hope my going to sleep tonight does not somehow reset this desire back to nil. They say running is the fastest way to get into shape. They say.
On the drive home I was thinking about various "unrealized possibilities" in my life, and laughed to myself upon realizing the double entendre of the phrase, and how both meanings are very appropriate. Huh.
I have been contemplating of late just how much I crave everyday interaction with fellow believers, particularly in the workplace. I am wondering if I went from being in a completely "Christian-y" internship last year to purposefully jumping into a very "secular" program this year, just to soon end up back in the Christian-y world (at least for a spell), which honestly is what a lot of me wants right now. But if that is what God wants, I'll be okay with all these switchbacks.
I'm reading Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now, and while I do not espouse its rep of living up to its name, it has made me think (i.e., worry) even more than before about how scary it will be to be a parent, and how I'm afraid I will be at a total loss for how to relate to/do right by my children, and how every word I breathe to them will be accompanied by a running stream of prayer, mainly as a means of protecting my child from myself. I pray for them once in a while already, too, which sounds silly, but given my familial neuroses it cannot be a bad idea...at the very least, it can't hurt.
On the one hand, I think it's weird that the rm and I are tenaciously single, given that [we think] we are, minus some inevitable foibles, pretty awesome; pretty not-crazy-in-the-bad-way; pretty good catches. Please don't hold this against us; we are not conceited, I assure you. While we have our occasional insecurities, we just happen to have relatively healthy levels of esteem for ourselves, at least in the match-worthy department. I recognize that it's uncommon for a girl to say this about herself rather than a friend, but "it's pretty strange that I haven't been snapped up" is honestly part of our thought processes.
On the other hand, I was reminded again of how anytime I see in someone any characteristic I deem attractive in a man, my first instinct is to retreat, which is a very backwards way of going about things. For a second I thought I might not say that once I saw its punniness but I shall leave there because, let's face it, I like puns; my dad has been infecting me with that embarrassing sense of humor basically ever since I learned to talk. Anyway, yes, I'm pretty certain that "attract" being a part of the phrase "attractive characteristics," there is little sense in said characteristics causing the observer, me, to be driven away, that being quite the opposite of attract. But of course, that is a very basic (and admittedly hyper-sensitive) display of the choice I outlined in the first part of my "road to love" metaphor from earlier, the part about letting yourself start down the road in the first place. But anyway, yeah, dear God, when will I stop being my own worst enemy? Good grief.
Being at the beach this weekend and lamenting the terrible inadequacy of my point-and-shoot has renewed my desire to save up for a dSLR...something recently put more in my reach upon my realizing that there are good-quality amateur dSLR's for well below $1,000...que bueno :) I'm just going to try to not think about all the car repairs that must suck my bank account dry before I can even allow myself to look at cameras.
I am in the middle of a personal musical-and-otherwise-artistic renaissance of sorts, and am fairly bursting with it, I wish you could see! Maybe you will soon. And the poetry, ohmygoodnessthepoetry, it's always making my right hand twitch. I've got to learn to tocar la guitarra, or I will just die from the bottled-up words. Just die, yes. :P
and I applaud you, Brittany, for just up and doing that which I have only been able to threaten to do for years. although you do look a little weird.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
thoughts on You Know What
[no comments, please, on how this post's subject matter has nothing to do with today's holiday, what with all its commercialized glory and such...that is quite beside the point. not that there is a point; these are just some thoughts/opinions I've gathered over the years.]
- While it does make me sad to see how there are so many things mistakenly given the love-label, I've had to concede that, to an extent, real love may still look different for different people.
That being said, though,
- I don't understand how people can think they really love someone they've never met/barely know at all...that's just weird to me
- I don't think love can possibly reach its full potential unless it goes both ways...you may think you love me, but only when I love you back will you really know what love is. I don't care if that makes me sound vain :P
- I pray I never have to fall in love more than once. But I don't believe the idea is an impossibility, in general.
- I think the biggest barrier (and yet one so overlooked) to having a healthy relationship, between believers at least, is when you consistently love your significant other more than you love the Lord. seriously.
- I completely do not believe in "the One" philosophy, not just because there are already pressures enough without thinking like that, but also because I don't think God would be so cruel as to orchestrate our lives in a "one shot and you're out" kind of way. He's not like that with his love, so why would romantic love be different?
- I think love = something you decide to do (I hate to be so pragmatic, but this is just the way I see it). My (admittedly oversimplifying) analogy: at the beginning, you have to choose to let yourself walk down that road; then, there's a stretch during which you couldn't jump off the path, even if your life depended on it; and finally, further down the road you will at times have to choose to keep walking it.
That's enough for now.
So i counted, and I said the word "love" 13 times...if you're off throwing up somewhere, I apologize, I guess...even though what I'm really thinking is that you should get over it. :P
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Christmas Adventure
this was shot on location at my parents' house not one, but two Christmases ago...that fact that it has evolved into what you now see before you is a testament to just how much free time Rick Hinson has.
Monday, February 12, 2007
tre' cosa'
1. Once again, I find myself in an uncommon fence-sitting position regarding Valentine's Day, also known to the bitter as Singles' Awareness Day, that celebration of love and affection to some and a shameless corporate promoter/exploiter of materialism to others. This year, like every year since grade-school parties lost their charm (or really, existence), I am ambivalent. I neither look forward to the day nor loathe its coming. Sometimes I laugh because I wonder if don't I have better reason to march around bitterly spouting anti-V-day sentiments than most people, but really, I probably don't...especially since I consider myself actually better off for having never loved rather than having loved and lost. Personally.
My excited anticipation of/anxiousness about V-day is pretty much limited to the chocolate--I love it, but dread the impending icky feeling when I inevitably eat too much.
2. I just read about somebody who has this little anxiety that makes her want to abandon her plans for going out as they begin to near; she'd rather stay home, and can easily talk herself/rationalize her way out of going. It was very interesting, because I am the exact same way (just ask roommatechelle), and I'd never heard of anyone else having that weird personality quirk (not talking about depressed people who never want to go out, period--that's different).
I think it's mainly my introversion expressing itself, though generally in a detrimental way, I'd say, because I am in fact fairly split down the middle with the intro/extraversion, and the two parts tend to war with each other. Experience has taught me that if I want to stay out of trouble, when I feel most like abandoning my plans and staying in is actually when I most need to make myself leave the house. I think I'm definitely getting better about it, though...right roommatechelle? :)
3. Regardless of whether you're an extra- or intravert, regardless of your opinions on V-day, you just must agree that the video below is one of the most amazing things you've ever seen.
My excited anticipation of/anxiousness about V-day is pretty much limited to the chocolate--I love it, but dread the impending icky feeling when I inevitably eat too much.
2. I just read about somebody who has this little anxiety that makes her want to abandon her plans for going out as they begin to near; she'd rather stay home, and can easily talk herself/rationalize her way out of going. It was very interesting, because I am the exact same way (just ask roommatechelle), and I'd never heard of anyone else having that weird personality quirk (not talking about depressed people who never want to go out, period--that's different).
I think it's mainly my introversion expressing itself, though generally in a detrimental way, I'd say, because I am in fact fairly split down the middle with the intro/extraversion, and the two parts tend to war with each other. Experience has taught me that if I want to stay out of trouble, when I feel most like abandoning my plans and staying in is actually when I most need to make myself leave the house. I think I'm definitely getting better about it, though...right roommatechelle? :)
3. Regardless of whether you're an extra- or intravert, regardless of your opinions on V-day, you just must agree that the video below is one of the most amazing things you've ever seen.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
beauty in the Truth
Michelle wrote a post yesterday that encapsulates a lot of my own thoughts regarding the events of late, but I'll continue to add a few more here..
Mich and I sat up late last night talking out all of this, just trying to process everything. It is so hard to believe still...I hadn't even really understood until last night that, basically, a miracle will literally have to happen if Linda is to live more than a few months. I don't know why "inoperable brain tumor" hadn't made me realize this before, but for some reason, the past few days I've just kind of had my eyes closed to the gravity of the situation. I even let myself sleep through church Sunday because I didn't really want to hear them talk about it, I guess.
You get used to hearing prayer requests coming from somewhere far off...but it's unreal when something like this comes from one of your own.
The last time I saw Linda was two weeks ago last night, at Bible study. Then she and Brad were out the last week, because Brad was sick...last night, they were gone because she is sick in a very different way, and according to doctors, chances are such that she'll never be back. I can't even grasp that, not quite. Getting there, but not yet.
Brad sent out a long email to the church this morning, and I couldn't even get through it all the first time I tried to read it (not because it was sad, but because Brad mainly wrote to thank the church and to encourage us! Us! And because he was pointed in communicating that regardless of what he wants, and what we all want, he and his family are so graciously yielding, ultimately, to whatever it is that God intends.)
I cried the entire 45 minutes it took me to drive to work this morning...I really don't know why. Michelle and I are both overwhelmed with everything, including how profoundly/how personally we are affected by this, because while we know Brad and Linda better than a lot of people, maybe, we also don't know them as well as lot of other people. I think a lot of what's overwhelming to us is the strange mix of feelings -- sad, naturally, hopeful/at least trying to be, amazed that Brad continues to minister to his flock about this while it's his wife who's sick, grateful and touched that our church has rallied together and around the Talleys as the bride of Christ ought to, blessed to be a part of that. I think that's why we feel it so strongly, too--mich & I were talking about how amazing it is to really feel like we are ingrained into the fabric of this church family. And with Linda being woven into that fabric so deeply, I guess it only makes sense.
We gathered for prayer over at the church building tonight, and while God knows composure is a hard thing to maintain under those circumstances (at least for me), there was something incredibly and richly beautiful about the experience...I can't stop thinking about how, in a situation that is supposed to be very wrong, there are so many things that just seem right..
Mich and I sat up late last night talking out all of this, just trying to process everything. It is so hard to believe still...I hadn't even really understood until last night that, basically, a miracle will literally have to happen if Linda is to live more than a few months. I don't know why "inoperable brain tumor" hadn't made me realize this before, but for some reason, the past few days I've just kind of had my eyes closed to the gravity of the situation. I even let myself sleep through church Sunday because I didn't really want to hear them talk about it, I guess.
You get used to hearing prayer requests coming from somewhere far off...but it's unreal when something like this comes from one of your own.
The last time I saw Linda was two weeks ago last night, at Bible study. Then she and Brad were out the last week, because Brad was sick...last night, they were gone because she is sick in a very different way, and according to doctors, chances are such that she'll never be back. I can't even grasp that, not quite. Getting there, but not yet.
Brad sent out a long email to the church this morning, and I couldn't even get through it all the first time I tried to read it (not because it was sad, but because Brad mainly wrote to thank the church and to encourage us! Us! And because he was pointed in communicating that regardless of what he wants, and what we all want, he and his family are so graciously yielding, ultimately, to whatever it is that God intends.)
I cried the entire 45 minutes it took me to drive to work this morning...I really don't know why. Michelle and I are both overwhelmed with everything, including how profoundly/how personally we are affected by this, because while we know Brad and Linda better than a lot of people, maybe, we also don't know them as well as lot of other people. I think a lot of what's overwhelming to us is the strange mix of feelings -- sad, naturally, hopeful/at least trying to be, amazed that Brad continues to minister to his flock about this while it's his wife who's sick, grateful and touched that our church has rallied together and around the Talleys as the bride of Christ ought to, blessed to be a part of that. I think that's why we feel it so strongly, too--mich & I were talking about how amazing it is to really feel like we are ingrained into the fabric of this church family. And with Linda being woven into that fabric so deeply, I guess it only makes sense.
We gathered for prayer over at the church building tonight, and while God knows composure is a hard thing to maintain under those circumstances (at least for me), there was something incredibly and richly beautiful about the experience...I can't stop thinking about how, in a situation that is supposed to be very wrong, there are so many things that just seem right..
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
So....this is a strange thing to put up on here, partly because I'm having a hard time believing it...but my church really covets your prayers right now for our pastor and his wife. Over the weekend, she (Linda) was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor of the most aggressive kind of cancer. The biopsy was yesterday, and I believe that radiation treatment is to begin shortly. There isn't much more information at the moment.
Please pray for all the family that is at this moment gathered in Raleigh; for Brad as he copes with this heartbreaking news, that he would experience the resilience of heart that comes only from the Lord; for Linda, that she would experience the same, and that her body would respond positively to treatment; for all the medical staff engaged along every step of the process ahead; for our church, that we would know how to best support this couple we love so much...
I just thought of how it's strange not to want to pray "that God's will be done" for fear of what that might be, but still, to pour all of this entirely into his hands is surely the best thing anyone can do.
Please pray for all the family that is at this moment gathered in Raleigh; for Brad as he copes with this heartbreaking news, that he would experience the resilience of heart that comes only from the Lord; for Linda, that she would experience the same, and that her body would respond positively to treatment; for all the medical staff engaged along every step of the process ahead; for our church, that we would know how to best support this couple we love so much...
I just thought of how it's strange not to want to pray "that God's will be done" for fear of what that might be, but still, to pour all of this entirely into his hands is surely the best thing anyone can do.
Monday, February 05, 2007
2 seemingly unrelated but possibly related things
1) Does anyone else in Raleightown get bummed out by the fact that all the 'good' shows seem to come to Charlotte and Chapel "Thrill" only? Which would not be a problem, were said shows on a weekend night...but no. They are nearly always on a Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Or Thursday or Sunday. Or Monday.
...^ + day job + need at least 7 hours of sleep = I have to miss out on way too many fun shows.
2) I am again in a "let's move to England" phase (a recurring theme that varies in degrees of earnestness), the diction of which is interesting in and of itself, "let's" being a contraction for "let us," and "us" implying someone in addition to myself. An idea originally founded in tara shannon's proposition that we move there "one day/in two years." Well, Shannon my dear, I am looking for what to do/where to go in the coming months, but sadly/wonderfully you have gained an amazing job here in the States.
I wish I would stop being not-very-serious about it just try to move there for a bit. I always have this feeling that I would fit in better there; not sure what that means, exactly, but it goes beyond my having fair skin and freckles, I assure you. Too bad I have a phobia of moving alone to places where I know no one.
3) I know I said two, but here is a third: this morning as I was getting ready for work, I turned my head for something or another, why is not the point, the point is that as my head completed this turn I heard a crunching noise in my neck, and now I cannot turn my head at all to the left. At the time this was somewhat disconcerting; at the moment it is very annoying/me duele mucho, as you can imagine. Once again, not doing well with that "quit doing stupid/harmful things to body" resolution.
This time it really wasn't my fault, though...at least I've got that. But I'll tell ya, it makes for really awkward driving.
...^ + day job + need at least 7 hours of sleep = I have to miss out on way too many fun shows.
2) I am again in a "let's move to England" phase (a recurring theme that varies in degrees of earnestness), the diction of which is interesting in and of itself, "let's" being a contraction for "let us," and "us" implying someone in addition to myself. An idea originally founded in tara shannon's proposition that we move there "one day/in two years." Well, Shannon my dear, I am looking for what to do/where to go in the coming months, but sadly/wonderfully you have gained an amazing job here in the States.
I wish I would stop being not-very-serious about it just try to move there for a bit. I always have this feeling that I would fit in better there; not sure what that means, exactly, but it goes beyond my having fair skin and freckles, I assure you. Too bad I have a phobia of moving alone to places where I know no one.
3) I know I said two, but here is a third: this morning as I was getting ready for work, I turned my head for something or another, why is not the point, the point is that as my head completed this turn I heard a crunching noise in my neck, and now I cannot turn my head at all to the left. At the time this was somewhat disconcerting; at the moment it is very annoying/me duele mucho, as you can imagine. Once again, not doing well with that "quit doing stupid/harmful things to body" resolution.
This time it really wasn't my fault, though...at least I've got that. But I'll tell ya, it makes for really awkward driving.
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