really no cigar?

Alright, so my efforts thus far have proved unsuccessful in getting anyone to go with me to see Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin this Monday. I don't know why I'm putting it on here, except maybe it will miraculously serve as another means of convincing someone he or she needs to go to this? I have gone to shows by myself...it's not as fun...but I will probably do it if I have to...do you feel guilty yet? Don't -- you should feel excited, because they make pretty music. (You like music from Scrubs? Garden State? The Last Kiss? eh? you'll like this)

Go see her
and him
here
at 8:00 pm.
for $10.

But tell me first.

Confessions # ? + heartaches

first: I once wrote about God's grace being redemptive not only in our souls, but also our memories, instincts and personality. To say I'm grateful for this does not do it justice.

Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.

There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.

Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?

I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.

I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.

just like sheryl says

I know I'll never reach a point in my life where personal change will be unnecessary, but I go through times in which I am particularly and painfully aware of changes that need to take place in my heart. in my personality. in my habits. in every facet of my being, really.

The biggest one I can think of (perhaps because it is by far the longest-running?) is being absolutely adamant with myself that I spend some time exclusively with God, reading His book ("Life-Instruction-Manual-So-Why-Don't-We-Read-It" as we call it over here at 2B). Every day. Intentional time spent meditating on it, not just incidental--not just when I'm driving, or when it occurs to me, or when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep. I feel the need for this committment to communion all the time, and yet it's rare that I consistently feed this need.

Similarly, my prayer life sucks. Over the years, I have somewhat subconsciously fallen into the thinking (and this is a simplified explanation) that I don't need to pray about anything, really, as God is going to do whatever he wants/needs to do anyway. This is not true! If I have learned ANYthing from my roommate, it's the importance and effectiveness of prayer. Especially concerning guidance in my own life. Praying for other people's needs has always come a lot more easily than praying for my own (this is not out of selflessness, but out of the fact that it's just easier for me to think/worry about other people than about myself).

I need to be warmer. I used to be an all-around friendly person, but over the last two years or so, I've been saving that for friends, and have begun to give strangers the shaft. Maintaining my emotional reserve, plus staying focused on the task at hand...well, that's crap. It's un-Christlike. That's all that needs to be said.

I need to be more responsible with my time. Time wasted affects my availability to be there for and serve other people. Enough said there.

I need to be more responsible with my body. Maybe I think skipping exercise for two months and eating all junk for two weeks straight is fine now, but it won't be one day, and maybe I won't have time to break my bad habits then?.. Maybe it sounds pretty material, but I think it's important. Body = temple = not ours.

I need to remember that the people in my life won't be around forever...I am very privileged to have all four grandparents alive and now all living in the Triangle, but I rarely take time to hang out with them. Especially my grandfather who's in an Alzheimer's home, because his case is quite advanced and it makes me "uncomfortable." Well, it's called "get over yourself, Melinda." That's so hard, though...



Funny how I love the "idea" of change--I hate for things to be static. I love for new things to happen in my life, for things to get shaken up, even when it's unexpected. But when it's a change I'm supposed to actively affect? That's a whole different ballgame, sir. *Sigh.* That takes work.

blahdeeblahblahblah

I am so very glad that coolhandluke is back together and making new music. they never fail to move me... and for some reason, their music seems to consistently have more depth than just about anything else I ever listen to.

my cough/lack of voice has me banished from my office, so it looks like i've got another day ahead of catching up on life, which is exciting. Thank goodness. Maybe i'll actually, finally finish updating my resume.

I played the Robert Frost piece tonight @ my friend's senior composition showcase...i'm so proud of her. i adore that piece. i miss playing classical music. i miss playing in a band. i miss music so much. i'm trying to be ok with thinking that God has let the musica temporarily evaporate so that i can concentrate on looking for a job.

speaking of haciendome falta, i miss painting too. and photography. and playing outside! shoot! I really must find a way to quit working and just do whatever I want all the time.

I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least for a while, to not want to run away from the Triangle. I feel very pulled to stay here (and by "stay," I mean move back to Raleigh), but the idea of fresh starts in new places is enticing. but no, i don't think that's for me. yet.

I'm remembering now how I can't write everything I really want on here. Does it sound sad to admit that I really wish I had someone to whom I could easily tell everything, absolutely everything, knowing that that person wanted to hear every word and never wished I would go away? Ha. I'm not sure that's possible, as I am always wanting to say some ridiculous thing or another. It's kind of funny that my friends have learned when to ignore the nonsense that comes out of my mouth; saves some embarrassment.

A girl can dream, though.

I would also like to say, the proliferation of Scrubs reruns on cable (plus NEW episodes) matched against the total lack of new Office material is putting Scranton in the hotseat. what gives?

always back here.

this is where I am
this is never finishing a poem these days
this is never getting out what I want to say
this is thinking that it's all crap, all the unfinished words
and the crazy-talk thoughts that bear them
this is the swirling of weighty thoughts that craze me down
this is needing to get a life, get cleaned up,
this is needing to quit living for myself
so I can help somebody else
this is sick of I don't know what's going on
this is where the hell in heaven's name are you taking me?
this is clinging to your grace
this is clinging to your feet with my face pressed to the ground
this is always coming back to this
this is where I am

Green Eyes

I am awfully jealous of those who belong to the vagabond lifestlye, and get to visit out-of-state friends on a whim, or stay out late at night downtown, or go to music festivals like Bonnaroo and SXSW...

Sure, they also might still be in school or have no health insurance or what have you, but shoo'. I'm honestly happy to have exchanged flexibility for getting rid of that nasty black cloud called Schoolwork and getting a lovely thing called A Steady Income, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the ol' days of freedom like whoa...

d'oh

I wish i could say things in much fewer words than I tend to

i wish i could focus on my music and art and my job search and my relationships all at once and with equal weight rather than each piece of my life taking its turn in the rotation to the front burner

sometimes i wish my interests and talents had less breadth and more depth. jack of all trades and master of none, I feel sometimes, but maybe there's a reason for that?

on the upside, i am exercising more.

of fly traps and foolish teachers...et cetera.

I saw a car get pulled on my way home tonight, and the first thing I thought of was, "I'm witnessing a venus fly trap suck in its prey." No joke, that's the image I instantly saw. I'm all for police protection and such, but still, the sight of a police car on the road makes my insides shudder.

Just like reading David's psalms and such makes me feel better about feeling bipolar sometimes, something I read in one of Paul's Corinthian letters the other day made me feel better about how often I feel foolish for saying some of the things I do, but still feel compelled to say them. Ah ok yes 2 Cor. 11 -- "don't think that i have lost my wits to talk like this...i'm talking like a fool again...i know i sound like a madman, but..." I know that presented like this, it's a bit out of context, but reading it was so interesting to me...i've somehow never noticed this nuance before and I really appreciate it. It makes me "feel better," yes, but it also seems to cut down any excuse i have for being down on myself for those kinds of things--they obviously didn't let it hinder them.

Out of the blue today the younger sister of my childhood best friend, who died from an asthma attack a year or so after I moved here from CA, Myspaced me. She had been looking through old yearbooks, she said. I read some of her blog posts and it seems the loss of her sister is still something to which she's very far from being reconciled. it made my heart hurt a lot for her...i haven't responded yet. i think i'll be mulling over this one a bit longer.

Roommatechelle and i have often ruminated over the value of writing things down that we learn (in journaling, blogging, or whatever) because we are bound to forget it and need to be able to read back over it. This is true. I have now also found another edifying element of writing, specifically in the making of it public (not blogging, where maybe 5 people may read it, but publishing, where potentially many people see it): having lessons-learned scribblings put up by another as "words of wisdom" has an almost frightening element of accountability to it. One hopes that one could practice what one preaches -- but it's still kind of scary, in a good way, to think about. If that made any sense at all.

uh,

this is simply mesmerizing


and i accidentally stumbled upon a well-articulated argument against illegal downloading, originally found here courtesy of Lovedrug's Michael Shepard

and 'accidentally stumbled' is kind of redundant, isn't it

oh well

booo.

I hate having to admit that mine "is not a bad life," because there are times when I can appreciate that self-admission about as much as the annoying, unhelpful life advice we all sometimes get from well-meaning-but-not-very-thoughtful individuals.

I should feel bad for wanting to complain. I mean, I've written a freaking article on that, but....gosh, I would just like for people to listen and sympathize without my feeling greedy or foolish. And by sympathize, I actually mean contrive a way to fix all my issues/disappointments/uncertainties... :) Oh my.

The feeling I keep getting is just that I want to be more than "getting by" -- I want something explicitly happy to happen to me. Something better than having a weekend I actually don't have to go in to work, better than finally getting around to starting a painting, better than somehow having enough money to pay my bills yet again. I feel very selfish in saying that, but it's true. I want some kind of big happy thing, on the scale of:
-finding a job I can at least tolerate more (or, gasp, maybe even like??), which I must assume is inevitable lest I lose my mind
-meeting someone with whom i can realistically see myself spending the rest of my life, which history has shown both unpredictable and unlikely for the time being
-finding someone who can fill the shoes of roommatchelle the way she has, which I don't see as possible but I'm trying to keep an open mind
-win the lottery, which would be miraculously big in and of itself since I don't buy lottery tickets

These types of things are the types of things that have propelled me to want to move to Spain, to Portland, to London. Because big change = big distraction = forgetting momentarily that "no matter where I go, there I am."

And I'm sure one of the aforementioned individuals would like to point out Psalm 37:4, which I (1) try to do regardless of what I think God will give me, and (2) don't do very well/consistently anyway. And it's not like people ever take that verse out of context, no, not that one! :P

So in short...I've nothing to be depressed about, certainly, so I guess it's good that I'm not. Which actually is a pretty "big" thing, in a way. But I'm just a whiny human being today. Though I feel like this post has served its purpose, at least until the next time the steam builds up. Thanks for "listening." :)

some folly for your day

this post is dedicated to some men who, if i met them, i would marry, if they let me. not all of them together, of course, as i'm pretty convinced that polygamy is not sanctioned by God.

but yes, this guy, because he takes striking photgraphs, travels the world and writes some very good words,

and this* lady-respectin'/drum-bashin'/sample makin' guy of course because, um, if you are well acquainted with my music habits you have seen how obsessed i can be after i've been to a show. i don't really know what to say to that, except have you seen this guy go?
*i was at this show, so i'm pretty sure that was me he was looking out for, there at the end. isn't he just sweet?

[who knows what he really looks like beneath the ever-worn beard, but] this guy, simply because of his song "Hold You In My Arms." it's reason enough for me.

any of these three guys, okay just two as one is married, because these once-amateur filmmakers' passion for both art and social justice has done incredible, incredible things.

...and i have to put one more of my sometimes-obsession, in honor of his being the only celebrity in the world who has reduced me to the ranks of those with starstruck crushes. oh well.

el Señor nos promete

Contrary to what I had anticipated, last night just got worse and worse! For a while.

I declined my habit's request to play the iPod on the drive home from work. I've been listening to an audio version of A Tale of Two Cities, especially when I'm bored or want to be distracted, but my gut wouldn't let me go there last night...as much as I wanted to forget, I didn't want to forget on purpose.

So I thought, and thoughtandthoughtandthought, and then prayed that God would use this, use me, got scared, then prayed aloud, "You're going to have to hold my hand through this," then promptly burst into tears. Sobbed down highway 42, felt sick, drove to dear friends' house, they weren't home. Went directly to praise band practice instead, good thing, I was the only vocalist who showed. Noticed I was shaking a bit while pulling out the music, started singing, started to feel better. "Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place; though I walk in the wilderness, blessed be Your name...Your strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow; great is Thy faithfulness...And as I look upon your name, circumstances fade away. Now your glory steals my heart...Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art. Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, ruler of all."

I had another song on my brain last night too, though I couldn't quite place it, couldn't remember the words...went home, looked it up, remembered how much I do love Cool Hand Luke:

"Hey, it's me
I'm sorry it's so late
I can't sleep
I knew you'd be awake
You're always home
Waiting by the phone
For nights like these
When I'm feeling all alone
...You're the one who comforts me
When everyone has gone away
...I will keep on singing because You hear me
And I will keep on smiling because You're near me
I'll sleep well on a promise tonight."


And I did.