catharsis

So I just had my quarterly review for my work program, and the only words I can think of that describe the feelings I'm left with are "confused" and "frustrated"...

I finally have reached the point where I have to own that there is something very amiss with what I am doing, and I can't seem to define what that is. I'm not happy with what I'm doing at work/in life (it's all connected, I can't help it, no matter how hard I try to separate the two), and I'm struggling to figure out why.

Is it because I'm bored? Is it because I know I'm not doing a good job, because I'm bored? It could be because I'm definitely not a social worker at heart. It could be because I can't seem to connect with my clients, or it could be because I don't understand why I'm resisting connecting with them to start with. It could be because I'm not using my degree at all (which wouldn't bother me so much except that I love my degree). It could be because I've been here over two months and I still can't see why God led me here, either to this program or to this specific placement. It could be because I hate that when people ask what I do, I have to fake it if I want to show any enthusiasm. It could be because everyone talks about their program providing "safe spaces," and yet, my work/program are the two places in my life in which I don't feel safe. It could be because I feel like I'm being discouraged to pursue what I'm passionate about because that is what is "comfortable" to me. It could be because I want to shut it all down once I leave the office at the end of the day, but I feel like I'm not really supposed to do that. It could be because I feel uncomfortable all the time, which they say is good, but I don't want to agree. It could be because I don't feel free to share/explain any of these things to my supervisors. It could be because I'm accustomed to all my "personal growth experiences" being relegated to outside the realm of work, but now it's almost all work-related. It could be because I feel like sometimes all my emotional energy is spent on my job and I don't have enough left to work through my own personal situations. It could be because I feel like I'm on my own in all this, that no one in my outside-of-work support system relates to what I'm going through.

So it's all those things and more...

And what is most discouraging, right now, is that I'm physically tense, all I want to do is cry, and all I can think about is how I want this experience to be over with. Everything I've just written about is, simply put, wearing me more than I have the capacity to appreciate right now.