On the way home from my PA retreat, I ended up at my friend's house and consequently met her girlfriend, an encounter to which I had somewhat uncomfortably been trying to figure out how to respond. I don't want to act in a way that would imply approval on my part, right? Shouldn't be standoffish for obvious reasons; shouldn't be overeager, either, because that would look like I'm compensating for what my friend pretty much already knows are my views...what to do? Then I realized what a silly internal conversation this was, and was kind of ashamed, as I shouldn't have even been thinking about how I was going to "treat" her girlfriend. I should just show her some love like I would anyone else, because she is anyone else. Yes, it was confusing/discomforting to have the opposite of my belief acted out before me (particularly given that I kept forgetting her gf was a girl, and given they were publicly quite a touchy-feely couple, which I always find a little unsettling regardless of the sexuality of the pair), but I also think our society (not just the Church) has been erroneous in placing such a huge amount of focus on homosexuality relative to other issues. And that's as far as I'm going on that for now.
I wanted to run this evening, which would not be a remarkable statement for most people, but is for me, given that I hate running. Well, except when I find myself in a suddenly high-stress situation, in which case I feel the need to sprint for about five minutes...but that's it. But today, partly because I'd been cooped up in the car for so many hours this weekend, partly because I've been feeling generally unhealthy these past weeks (months) due to my total lack of exercise and ridiculously poor eating habits, I really wanted to run it out for at least half an hour (in case you missed the point I previously tried to make, this desire has never before presented itself in my entire life. Actually that's not true; it happened once before, my junior year of college). All that to say, once I got home, I was sorely disappointed to find that it is freaking cold (which had been counted on; had already been planning during the drive home what could be worn to compensate), and unreasonably blustery (not counted on; more than my non-running-loving self could muster up the courage to face). Darn it all, I hope my going to sleep tonight does not somehow reset this desire back to nil. They say running is the fastest way to get into shape. They say.
On the drive home I was thinking about various "unrealized possibilities" in my life, and laughed to myself upon realizing the double entendre of the phrase, and how both meanings are very appropriate. Huh.
I have been contemplating of late just how much I crave everyday interaction with fellow believers, particularly in the workplace. I am wondering if I went from being in a completely "Christian-y" internship last year to purposefully jumping into a very "secular" program this year, just to soon end up back in the Christian-y world (at least for a spell), which honestly is what a lot of me wants right now. But if that is what God wants, I'll be okay with all these switchbacks.
I'm reading Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now, and while I do not espouse its rep of living up to its name, it has made me think (i.e., worry) even more than before about how scary it will be to be a parent, and how I'm afraid I will be at a total loss for how to relate to/do right by my children, and how every word I breathe to them will be accompanied by a running stream of prayer, mainly as a means of protecting my child from myself. I pray for them once in a while already, too, which sounds silly, but given my familial neuroses it cannot be a bad idea...at the very least, it can't hurt.
On the one hand, I think it's weird that the rm and I are tenaciously single, given that [we think] we are, minus some inevitable foibles, pretty awesome; pretty not-crazy-in-the-bad-way; pretty good catches. Please don't hold this against us; we are not conceited, I assure you. While we have our occasional insecurities, we just happen to have relatively healthy levels of esteem for ourselves, at least in the match-worthy department. I recognize that it's uncommon for a girl to say this about herself rather than a friend, but "it's pretty strange that I haven't been snapped up" is honestly part of our thought processes.
On the other hand, I was reminded again of how anytime I see in someone any characteristic I deem attractive in a man, my first instinct is to retreat, which is a very backwards way of going about things. For a second I thought I might not say that once I saw its punniness but I shall leave there because, let's face it, I like puns; my dad has been infecting me with that embarrassing sense of humor basically ever since I learned to talk. Anyway, yes, I'm pretty certain that "attract" being a part of the phrase "attractive characteristics," there is little sense in said characteristics causing the observer, me, to be driven away, that being quite the opposite of attract. But of course, that is a very basic (and admittedly hyper-sensitive) display of the choice I outlined in the first part of my "road to love" metaphor from earlier, the part about letting yourself start down the road in the first place. But anyway, yeah, dear God, when will I stop being my own worst enemy? Good grief.
Being at the beach this weekend and lamenting the terrible inadequacy of my point-and-shoot has renewed my desire to save up for a dSLR...something recently put more in my reach upon my realizing that there are good-quality amateur dSLR's for well below $1,000...que bueno :) I'm just going to try to not think about all the car repairs that must suck my bank account dry before I can even allow myself to look at cameras.
I am in the middle of a personal musical-and-otherwise-artistic renaissance of sorts, and am fairly bursting with it, I wish you could see! Maybe you will soon. And the poetry, ohmygoodnessthepoetry, it's always making my right hand twitch. I've got to learn to tocar la guitarra, or I will just die from the bottled-up words. Just die, yes. :P
and I applaud you, Brittany, for just up and doing that which I have only been able to threaten to do for years. although you do look a little weird.
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