booo.

I hate having to admit that mine "is not a bad life," because there are times when I can appreciate that self-admission about as much as the annoying, unhelpful life advice we all sometimes get from well-meaning-but-not-very-thoughtful individuals.

I should feel bad for wanting to complain. I mean, I've written a freaking article on that, but....gosh, I would just like for people to listen and sympathize without my feeling greedy or foolish. And by sympathize, I actually mean contrive a way to fix all my issues/disappointments/uncertainties... :) Oh my.

The feeling I keep getting is just that I want to be more than "getting by" -- I want something explicitly happy to happen to me. Something better than having a weekend I actually don't have to go in to work, better than finally getting around to starting a painting, better than somehow having enough money to pay my bills yet again. I feel very selfish in saying that, but it's true. I want some kind of big happy thing, on the scale of:
-finding a job I can at least tolerate more (or, gasp, maybe even like??), which I must assume is inevitable lest I lose my mind
-meeting someone with whom i can realistically see myself spending the rest of my life, which history has shown both unpredictable and unlikely for the time being
-finding someone who can fill the shoes of roommatchelle the way she has, which I don't see as possible but I'm trying to keep an open mind
-win the lottery, which would be miraculously big in and of itself since I don't buy lottery tickets

These types of things are the types of things that have propelled me to want to move to Spain, to Portland, to London. Because big change = big distraction = forgetting momentarily that "no matter where I go, there I am."

And I'm sure one of the aforementioned individuals would like to point out Psalm 37:4, which I (1) try to do regardless of what I think God will give me, and (2) don't do very well/consistently anyway. And it's not like people ever take that verse out of context, no, not that one! :P

So in short...I've nothing to be depressed about, certainly, so I guess it's good that I'm not. Which actually is a pretty "big" thing, in a way. But I'm just a whiny human being today. Though I feel like this post has served its purpose, at least until the next time the steam builds up. Thanks for "listening." :)