Confessions # ? + heartaches

first: I once wrote about God's grace being redemptive not only in our souls, but also our memories, instincts and personality. To say I'm grateful for this does not do it justice.

Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.

There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.

Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?

I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.

I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.