lo siento

Just so you know, this will not be a cheery post so you read further at your own expense; I am in a terrible mood and have to quickly dissipate this somewhere harmless before it dissipates in someone's face...ahem. okay. i will probably just delete this later anyway because I feel bad when people hear me complain.

I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.

Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.


Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.

Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.