For the past three or four years, every few months or so I go through a lovely "restless stage" when I think I'm going to go crazy if something in my life doesn't change. Apparently I'm due for it again. Maybe this time it's because it's the first week of the year, maybe it's because the flu affects your brain cells in anomalous ways, maybe it's because I listen to too much Patty Griffin...maybe it's because of some other things. But it's back with a vengeance and goodness I've been in a weird mood.
It could also be the fact that January is the month I had declared to myself that I would start thinking about what I'm going to do when my "job" is over. Actually, the restless bug almost always brings with it phrases like "life" and "what am I going to do with it," which is why this article made me feel better. Although I felt a little less better upon thinking that such an approach is probably a cop-out....especially for us girls, for whom it's a little less acceptable to be young-adult-vagabonds, I think. And by that I mean [and this could just be me] that guys my age can hop from fake job to internship to road trip to fake job and they are excused as "finding themselves," but people are secretly worried about the potential patheticism of any girl who may do that, because let's face it, if she doesn't get married soon, she ought to be on the road to career-woman success, right?
Well, considering 1) I'm definitely not on a track for the one, 2) I don't really care to be on a track for the other (at least not right now), and 3) my roommate informed me today she thinks that our plan to find a sugardaddy to support the two of us just isn't going to work, I'm feeling kind of SOL. At least for tonight.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
soulsick
(distracted by what I think is the craze of life)
(confronting neglect to which I so easily return)
Remembering now, as I crash to a stop, it's so strange to talk to you alone; I can barely say your name aloud. The love song I wrote you, I meant every blessed burnt-out word; the miraculous scars you wrote on my heart could not, cannot help but cry out, but as for the rest, I feel like I've never been more than an affectionate stranger.
The quiet reminds me of how I hate to think that this will always be a piece of the character I won't shed while I'm here. How confusing! not to be hopeless but to be not hopeful of ever being cured of myself. Do I sell myself short? or you?
Do I really wish for the hound of heaven to be pressing ever at my heels?
Funny how all the terrible metaphors -- wasted talents, thankless heirs, whores who cry, they apply to me and nobody knows but you but you don't care at all. Except for as far as they keep me away from the reach of your arms.
I don't do you right. I live this life wrong. So thanks for the hope, for the grace, for the song you gave me to write to you, but bear with me still; one day the strangeness will fade into the crushing familiar I long for and I'll pray your name aloud without a single glance to the ground save for those weighted down, with a smile on my face, by my great love for you.
(confronting neglect to which I so easily return)
Remembering now, as I crash to a stop, it's so strange to talk to you alone; I can barely say your name aloud. The love song I wrote you, I meant every blessed burnt-out word; the miraculous scars you wrote on my heart could not, cannot help but cry out, but as for the rest, I feel like I've never been more than an affectionate stranger.
The quiet reminds me of how I hate to think that this will always be a piece of the character I won't shed while I'm here. How confusing! not to be hopeless but to be not hopeful of ever being cured of myself. Do I sell myself short? or you?
Do I really wish for the hound of heaven to be pressing ever at my heels?
Funny how all the terrible metaphors -- wasted talents, thankless heirs, whores who cry, they apply to me and nobody knows but you but you don't care at all. Except for as far as they keep me away from the reach of your arms.
I don't do you right. I live this life wrong. So thanks for the hope, for the grace, for the song you gave me to write to you, but bear with me still; one day the strangeness will fade into the crushing familiar I long for and I'll pray your name aloud without a single glance to the ground save for those weighted down, with a smile on my face, by my great love for you.
smore palabra play
Banished Words for 2007
and, I don't know what this says about me [and my questionable sense of humor, maybe?] that I really appreciate this, but...it makes me snicker
and, I don't know what this says about me [and my questionable sense of humor, maybe?] that I really appreciate this, but...it makes me snicker
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
grow yo brain.
The word of the day is klangfarbenmelodie, which officially (although, is wikipedia official?) means "a musical technique that involves breaking up a musical line or melody out from one instrument to between several instruments. It adds greater color and texture to a melodic line, instead of just one timbre in playing the line."
I happened upon this word which is great in and of itself as well as conceptually. I have only heard it used once (the technique, not the word), and didn't know there was a technical term for it, and think people should try using itcoughmorecoughoften.
I happened upon this word which is great in and of itself as well as conceptually. I have only heard it used once (the technique, not the word), and didn't know there was a technical term for it, and think people should try using itcoughmorecoughoften.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Judge not?
Clearly I have failed in my non-blogging endeavor. My newest resolution is to quit trying to quit, since each time I try, it never works. I suppose in the pre-webblog days I would have been posting my thoughts on church doors or something...or something.
Anyway, to the point. I have a question for you, and that is: to what extent do we withhold our judgement?
In recent years, I have found myself to be a considerably judgemental person (though not really any more than your average soul, I think). This "finding" has been the result of many judgements (which, of course, I rarely recognize as being such until later) being proven wrong via more information...basically, I tend to come to a lot of assumptions and "conclusions" that are only based on the reality I see, which is seldom reality at all.
I've said many times that I am constantly learning how pretty much everyone has some life conflict going on below the surface...and I think the thing is, we may never know how that affects what we see coming out of them. We'll never understand the full context of their actions/character (at least not until we better know them/their situations...and still, even then...), and so making an assumption regarding "why they did that" or "why they're like that" would usually be fairly ungracious, no?
Of course, some situations would seem pretty cut-and-dry. Most illegal activities, while perhaps explained by hidden motives or situations, are probably not truly justified by them. But still, often when I hear about a ruling or decision of some sort, I wonder if we really knew the full story...mistakes have been made, after all.
And then there are those situations/people that affect you personally. It's harder, isn't it, to take a step back and extend grace when you're closer than just an impartial observer, when your understanding of a situation actually does affect your life (i.e., when you can hardly help coming to some kind of "understanding," even if it happens to be the wrong one). What to do then? It's not easy to be 100% gracious.
questions, questions
So there's the whole biblical answer, which I have yet to really dig into...probably should do that...but I want to hear what anyone else out there thinks, anyone who read all the way down and cares to share...
Anyway, to the point. I have a question for you, and that is: to what extent do we withhold our judgement?
In recent years, I have found myself to be a considerably judgemental person (though not really any more than your average soul, I think). This "finding" has been the result of many judgements (which, of course, I rarely recognize as being such until later) being proven wrong via more information...basically, I tend to come to a lot of assumptions and "conclusions" that are only based on the reality I see, which is seldom reality at all.
I've said many times that I am constantly learning how pretty much everyone has some life conflict going on below the surface...and I think the thing is, we may never know how that affects what we see coming out of them. We'll never understand the full context of their actions/character (at least not until we better know them/their situations...and still, even then...), and so making an assumption regarding "why they did that" or "why they're like that" would usually be fairly ungracious, no?
Of course, some situations would seem pretty cut-and-dry. Most illegal activities, while perhaps explained by hidden motives or situations, are probably not truly justified by them. But still, often when I hear about a ruling or decision of some sort, I wonder if we really knew the full story...mistakes have been made, after all.
And then there are those situations/people that affect you personally. It's harder, isn't it, to take a step back and extend grace when you're closer than just an impartial observer, when your understanding of a situation actually does affect your life (i.e., when you can hardly help coming to some kind of "understanding," even if it happens to be the wrong one). What to do then? It's not easy to be 100% gracious.
questions, questions
So there's the whole biblical answer, which I have yet to really dig into...probably should do that...but I want to hear what anyone else out there thinks, anyone who read all the way down and cares to share...
Saturday, December 30, 2006
So the two adopted Apex twins who had been kidnapped by their birth mother were found in Canada yesterday.
I had no idea that there were such strong anti-adoption sentiments out there. For several years I've had the idea that one day when I have a family, I would like to be a home and family to a child who needs it, so it's strange to see that there are those who believe there are no children who do need such a thing.
The reason I want to adopt is because of one of my best friends who (because of adoption) found herself taken out of a household of abuse and brought into an amazingly loving family. How can these people honestly say that adoption should be abolished, that she should have been left with drug-addicted, abusive parents? That's absolutely insane. She would tell you differently, because she was five when she was adopted, and she remembers what it was like before.
I don't pretend that the adoption process is entirely neat and fair; there's plenty of reform that can/should be done. But there's no way that means the system should be abolished entirely. Too many kids need it, and the adults who are selfish enough to say their rights are being trampled on should try considering those children for once.
I had no idea that there were such strong anti-adoption sentiments out there. For several years I've had the idea that one day when I have a family, I would like to be a home and family to a child who needs it, so it's strange to see that there are those who believe there are no children who do need such a thing.
The reason I want to adopt is because of one of my best friends who (because of adoption) found herself taken out of a household of abuse and brought into an amazingly loving family. How can these people honestly say that adoption should be abolished, that she should have been left with drug-addicted, abusive parents? That's absolutely insane. She would tell you differently, because she was five when she was adopted, and she remembers what it was like before.
I don't pretend that the adoption process is entirely neat and fair; there's plenty of reform that can/should be done. But there's no way that means the system should be abolished entirely. Too many kids need it, and the adults who are selfish enough to say their rights are being trampled on should try considering those children for once.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
he decidido
I have decided (a word to be interpreted loosely and accorded little weight, most likely) that thenceforth, whenever I feel the need to throw my thoughts out on this blog, I will invest that feeling into more worthwhile written and artistic pursuits instead. We'll see what that actually looks like, or if it even works. Here goes...
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Christmastiiiiime is heerrrre
So, I just realized that one thing I probably should never do is live alone. Maybe that's because I'm thinking about how tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I have been working in my apartment all day with no human contact 'cept for one ring from me mum, but the telly is just not very good comp'ny and the loneliness is making me jus' a lit'le bit mad. (Aren't you proud, Michelle? This means there's hope for me yet.)
At least I have been ridiculously productive today. Plus I watched Mary Poppins for the first time since I was a kid and realized it's one of the cleverest and sweetest movies I've ever seen. Quite wonderful, actually.
Anyway,
feliz navidad :)
At least I have been ridiculously productive today. Plus I watched Mary Poppins for the first time since I was a kid and realized it's one of the cleverest and sweetest movies I've ever seen. Quite wonderful, actually.
Anyway,
feliz navidad :)
Friday, December 22, 2006
i would just like to say,
gooooooo,
and of course, 
Thank you; I am done cracking myself up now..
[i guess this is what happens when there are only 3 people in your whole building who have not yet left for the holidays, and you are one of them.]
Thursday, December 21, 2006
hey lookit :)
relevantmagazine.com just posted another article of mine; you should read it :) (not just because i wrote it but because it's important!)
A couple things surprised me...they took over a month to publish the other article I did, and they put this one up barely 24 hours after I had submitted it...a surprise that made me really hyper last night, haha
The other thing was how much they edited it, at least compared to my last one (the last one being too poetic in form to be edit-able, I suppose). But I always wondered what they meant when they said ''all articles will be edited for...tone." And now I wonder no longer, because they definitely changed the tone of mine. Not surprisingly, I guess, because the way I wrote it was a little more fiesty and heated, you might say, and they made it more reader-friendly. It's kind of weird because when I was reading it on the site, it felt like they took some of my voice out and put in bits of someone else's, plus one change they made did kind of annoy me, but I guess you can't be too picky. I'm just glad they let me put it out there.
plus, it makes me want to do this more :)...who knows, maybe if i get good, i'll actually make some money 10 or 15 years down the road :P
A couple things surprised me...they took over a month to publish the other article I did, and they put this one up barely 24 hours after I had submitted it...a surprise that made me really hyper last night, haha
The other thing was how much they edited it, at least compared to my last one (the last one being too poetic in form to be edit-able, I suppose). But I always wondered what they meant when they said ''all articles will be edited for...tone." And now I wonder no longer, because they definitely changed the tone of mine. Not surprisingly, I guess, because the way I wrote it was a little more fiesty and heated, you might say, and they made it more reader-friendly. It's kind of weird because when I was reading it on the site, it felt like they took some of my voice out and put in bits of someone else's, plus one change they made did kind of annoy me, but I guess you can't be too picky. I'm just glad they let me put it out there.
plus, it makes me want to do this more :)...who knows, maybe if i get good, i'll actually make some money 10 or 15 years down the road :P
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
perspective
one of my clients just happily said in passing,
"Anytime you wake up in the morning and you can walk, it's a good morning."
in spite of many things, i really am glad i'm working here right now.
in the spirit of said gladness + holiday time i thought of making a list of things i'm glad about but really at the moment i'm more interested in making a resolution list because i'm in the mood for a good laugh so here goes:
Melinda's 2007 Resolutions (author reserves the right to amend)
1. actually take care of my car
2. utilize my gym more than once a month
3. stop being crazy
4. improve my work ethic, at least at work
5. find work?
6. stop freaking out every time someone gets engaged/married
7. find a way to live in Spain without actually leaving the States
8. write articles for publications that actually pay
9. find a way to take dance lessons again
10. really learn to trust in/lean on/listen to the Lord
11. get a loop station and become the next Zoe Keating
12. be a much better friend
13. learn the constellations
14. go to Raven Rock at least once
15. own and appreciate the fact that i'm an emotional person
16. visit my aunt in New York for Thanksgiving
17. play outside a whole lot more
18. learn my cello craft more thoroughly
19. build and learn to play the hammer dulcimer
20. visit Portland
21. stop pretending I don't care about having "someone special"
22. save $
23. finally decide on a tattoo design
24. learn how to be truly honest
25. finish a song i'm proud of
26. volunteer more
27. quit doing brainless things like absent-mindedly poking my thumb into a blade to prove it's dull
28. paint
29. live somewhere that is not in the middle of nowhere
30. stop thinking of myself as a child instead of a woman
31. get "Christmas Shoes" banned from the radio
32. acquire the art of tact
33. go on a road trip to somewhere that is not the beach
34. write more letters
35. visit the mountains
36. finally fix up my bike and see about changing "that one great bike ride memory from 10 years ago" to something a bit more current
37. steadily decrease my need for chocolate, cereal, facebook and desserts and computers in general
38. stop buying more home decor than actually fits in my space
39. figure out what my book's about
40. trip it to DC to see my lovely :)
41. learn how to get the most out of my camera
42. somehow finally stage that late afternoon field+cello photo shoot i've seen in my brain for 2 years
yeah, ima do all of it
"Anytime you wake up in the morning and you can walk, it's a good morning."
in spite of many things, i really am glad i'm working here right now.
in the spirit of said gladness + holiday time i thought of making a list of things i'm glad about but really at the moment i'm more interested in making a resolution list because i'm in the mood for a good laugh so here goes:
Melinda's 2007 Resolutions (author reserves the right to amend)
1. actually take care of my car
2. utilize my gym more than once a month
3. stop being crazy
4. improve my work ethic, at least at work
5. find work?
6. stop freaking out every time someone gets engaged/married
7. find a way to live in Spain without actually leaving the States
8. write articles for publications that actually pay
9. find a way to take dance lessons again
10. really learn to trust in/lean on/listen to the Lord
11. get a loop station and become the next Zoe Keating
12. be a much better friend
13. learn the constellations
14. go to Raven Rock at least once
15. own and appreciate the fact that i'm an emotional person
16. visit my aunt in New York for Thanksgiving
17. play outside a whole lot more
18. learn my cello craft more thoroughly
19. build and learn to play the hammer dulcimer
20. visit Portland
21. stop pretending I don't care about having "someone special"
22. save $
23. finally decide on a tattoo design
24. learn how to be truly honest
25. finish a song i'm proud of
26. volunteer more
27. quit doing brainless things like absent-mindedly poking my thumb into a blade to prove it's dull
28. paint
29. live somewhere that is not in the middle of nowhere
30. stop thinking of myself as a child instead of a woman
31. get "Christmas Shoes" banned from the radio
32. acquire the art of tact
33. go on a road trip to somewhere that is not the beach
34. write more letters
35. visit the mountains
36. finally fix up my bike and see about changing "that one great bike ride memory from 10 years ago" to something a bit more current
37. steadily decrease my need for chocolate, cereal, facebook and desserts and computers in general
38. stop buying more home decor than actually fits in my space
39. figure out what my book's about
40. trip it to DC to see my lovely :)
41. learn how to get the most out of my camera
42. somehow finally stage that late afternoon field+cello photo shoot i've seen in my brain for 2 years
yeah, ima do all of it
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
traitors!
how come,
you can write things out
to try to make them go away
but your words just stare back and laugh
because they know that things will stay
very much the same because you'll never
really
be able to empty yourself onto paper
because it's not a sponge, only a mirror
yes you'll always be so full of something,
of thisthing or thatthing,
or of something else,
that you can barely take it
and with the mirror words laughing,
you get mad and throw down your pen
'cause you don't even want to write anymore
and you won't,
at least not until you can barely take it, again
you can write things out
to try to make them go away
but your words just stare back and laugh
because they know that things will stay
very much the same because you'll never
really
be able to empty yourself onto paper
because it's not a sponge, only a mirror
yes you'll always be so full of something,
of thisthing or thatthing,
or of something else,
that you can barely take it
and with the mirror words laughing,
you get mad and throw down your pen
'cause you don't even want to write anymore
and you won't,
at least not until you can barely take it, again
Glory
My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. prov. 4:20-22
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. isaiah 40:11
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. rom. 8:1-2
Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning...You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" psalm 30:4-5, 11-12
1 Honor the Lord, you heavenly beings;
honor the Lord for his glory and strength.
2 Honor the Lord for the glory of his name.
Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.
3 The voice of the Lord echoes above the sea.
The God of glory thunders.
The Lord thunders over the mighty sea.
4 The voice of the Lord is powerful;
the voice of the Lord is majestic.
5 The voice of the Lord splits the mighty cedars;
the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon.
6 He makes Lebanon’s mountains skip like a calf;
he makes Mount Hermon leap like a young wild ox.
7 The voice of the Lord strikes
with bolts of lightning.
8 The voice of the Lord makes the barren wilderness quake;
the Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.
9 The voice of the Lord twists mighty oaks
and strips the forests bare.
In his Temple everyone shouts, “Glory!”
10 The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
11 The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace.
psalm 29
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. isaiah 40:11
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. rom. 8:1-2
Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning...You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" psalm 30:4-5, 11-12
1 Honor the Lord, you heavenly beings;
honor the Lord for his glory and strength.
2 Honor the Lord for the glory of his name.
Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.
3 The voice of the Lord echoes above the sea.
The God of glory thunders.
The Lord thunders over the mighty sea.
4 The voice of the Lord is powerful;
the voice of the Lord is majestic.
5 The voice of the Lord splits the mighty cedars;
the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon.
6 He makes Lebanon’s mountains skip like a calf;
he makes Mount Hermon leap like a young wild ox.
7 The voice of the Lord strikes
with bolts of lightning.
8 The voice of the Lord makes the barren wilderness quake;
the Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.
9 The voice of the Lord twists mighty oaks
and strips the forests bare.
In his Temple everyone shouts, “Glory!”
10 The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
11 The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace.
psalm 29
Monday, December 18, 2006
stuck in a moment
i am quite stuck, don't know what to do right now except bite my nails, even though I don't, and type. I just found out my uncle passed away about an hour ago, which was sooner than expected, but expected all the same...I guess we had that, at least.
What was not expected, and what just hit me like a ton of bricks barely 10 minutes ago, was the news that the daughter of a dear friend, and a friend herself, just lost the baby she was carrying...of all days, on today, her birthday.
i can't really fathom this..
please pray for her family, for her husband, for her. her name is Jessie.
What was not expected, and what just hit me like a ton of bricks barely 10 minutes ago, was the news that the daughter of a dear friend, and a friend herself, just lost the baby she was carrying...of all days, on today, her birthday.
i can't really fathom this..
please pray for her family, for her husband, for her. her name is Jessie.
boooo
Not that I had my hopes up...But as for happier news, apparently Miss is coming out with a new album -- don't know how I missed that, but who cares! I'll take more whenever I can get it. :) Which, now that I look, isn't for over another month...dang it.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
i am: queen of random
- I just went through pictures from this semester and I've concluded that my hair grows way too fast; if I hadn't promised dad i wouldn't, i would chop it all off. not really though.
- So very wonderful
- Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer to a question I can't ask?
- oh, HELLO BIRTHDAY PRESENT!
- Is it really bad to skip out on a christmas party you said you would attend? Because that's what I'm going to do today...3 parties in one weekend is too much for the social recluse in me
- I think this could be another strange Christmas
- I really wish I could look at all the pretty christmas lights from the passenger seat instead of whipping my head back and forth while i drive....what a tease.
- I really wish I were a nightclub singer so I could have an excuse to do a Christmas show and sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" a la Judy Garland. beautiful.
And a handful of random pictures for your ocular pleasure:
happy birthday dillweed :)
One Less Dave reunion
me, Dirty Frank and El Amigo the Awesome White Elephant Gift
I am thankful for: Guardian Angel Thrift :)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
"beware of the diamond dogs..."
I've held the position for years that diamonds are not this girl's best friend--but this reinforces it even more...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
amor familiar
I just sent some of this to the church list and figured i'd put it on here too...My great-uncle, who has been very sick for several months due to an accident, has recently been taken off of life support and moved to hospice care. I'd love your prayers for peace for my family as we respond to this, and especially that the Lord would bring strength and comfort to his sisters, my grandmother and my great-aunt.
My great aunt's husband passed away only a couple months ago, so this might be pretty hard on them...the first time I've ever seen my grandmother even look like she was going to cry was at this past Thanksgiving when she was hugging her sister right after the blessing...They're putting brave faces forward, though. They're so strong; it's pretty incredible. I love my family so much. I may think my own family is crazy and screwed-up sometimes, but...I really do thank God he put me with the kinsfolk that he did. :)
I guess I'm getting to that age, you know....It's very strange.
I've yet to loose a family member to whom I was very close, and it might be five, 10 years before that happens...who knows. It's just a strange thing to think about.
Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not more sad. I guess it's just different...I come from a family of believers, and so it's like there's a built-in peace for times like these...not that it's not difficult for some...but there is just sure comfort to be found in the Lord when those you've lost are with Him.
which is all ironic, though, because in spite of everything I just said (and believe), my "greatest fear in life" is to lose my mom or my dad or my brother. especially my brother. Is that weird?--not that I love my parents any less than Justin but...i guess he's just not "supposed" to go before them. It's all just strange to me i guess, my approach to death, i mean...Death is not at all something of which I am personally afraid, but when it comes to my family...like when i was younger, that's what my nightmares were about. I'm afraid it would break me. But i really don't know why I ever think about that at all (and i really don't, honestly); there's no reason to. Because, O Death, where is thy sting?
ok ok this is a really weird post, sorry about that, i guess i just...i think about weird things sometimes. author's privilege.
My great aunt's husband passed away only a couple months ago, so this might be pretty hard on them...the first time I've ever seen my grandmother even look like she was going to cry was at this past Thanksgiving when she was hugging her sister right after the blessing...They're putting brave faces forward, though. They're so strong; it's pretty incredible. I love my family so much. I may think my own family is crazy and screwed-up sometimes, but...I really do thank God he put me with the kinsfolk that he did. :)
I guess I'm getting to that age, you know....It's very strange.
I've yet to loose a family member to whom I was very close, and it might be five, 10 years before that happens...who knows. It's just a strange thing to think about.
Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not more sad. I guess it's just different...I come from a family of believers, and so it's like there's a built-in peace for times like these...not that it's not difficult for some...but there is just sure comfort to be found in the Lord when those you've lost are with Him.
which is all ironic, though, because in spite of everything I just said (and believe), my "greatest fear in life" is to lose my mom or my dad or my brother. especially my brother. Is that weird?--not that I love my parents any less than Justin but...i guess he's just not "supposed" to go before them. It's all just strange to me i guess, my approach to death, i mean...Death is not at all something of which I am personally afraid, but when it comes to my family...like when i was younger, that's what my nightmares were about. I'm afraid it would break me. But i really don't know why I ever think about that at all (and i really don't, honestly); there's no reason to. Because, O Death, where is thy sting?
ok ok this is a really weird post, sorry about that, i guess i just...i think about weird things sometimes. author's privilege.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
i KNEW this would happen
iTunes is the devil.
Until about a month ago, I had refrained from putting ye olde credit card through the iTunes machine for fear that once I started, I would not have the strength to stop.
As it was foretold, so it has happened.
noipuedocan'tdejarstopdeitlo!!!!
Until about a month ago, I had refrained from putting ye olde credit card through the iTunes machine for fear that once I started, I would not have the strength to stop.
As it was foretold, so it has happened.
noipuedocan'tdejarstopdeitlo!!!!
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