On Walls

Last semester, a mentor-friend concluded an interesting conversation by suggesting to me that I start paying attention to how I "emotionally respond to each of my friends," as a kind of personal character study of sorts. Never was really quite sure what he meant by that or what it was supposed to accomplish. I think it's supposed to help me discover why I can be incredibly emotionally closed off in certain situations, or how to fix that, or...something like that.

I was about to say that I think I've pretty much gotten a lot of my internal motivations worked out and reconciled, but I bet that'd be pretty foolish to say...I still wish I would not become embarrassed when 'caught' being emotional or vulnerable. I wish I did not resent FEELING strongly in certain situations; I wish "feeling" was not such a dirty word to my subconscious. I wish I didn't have cause to worry about how my "theories," however unwillingly I hold to them, will cause me to respond when put to the test.

It might seem strange to some of you to consider me as one of those cold-hearted ice queens, because, well, I'm not really like that with any of you, but...some of you know what I mean, though I'm not really inclined to expound upon it at this point (this is where my disclaimer "Sorry, but sometimes I write for my benefit, not yours" comes in. author's privilege...). Ask me later.

Things are gonna have to change some day, I guess. Just kinda afraid of what it's gonna take..




I built these walls with blinders on my eyes
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame

-s.n.t.r.-