Some days,

I am antsier than others; some days, it's harder to focus on the matter at hand than on others.

These days, I'm all about the former.

Also, if you like dirty-gritty-sexy-but-solid rock, jump on the ol' Kings of Leon bandwagon, why don't ya (yes, that's a strange description, but you'll get over it). And, if you use Pandora (which you should) and don't have a Kings of Leon station, add it, for goodness' sake. Except, I'll warn you, it makes it really hard to want to sit in your office chair for hours at a time...

I wish I could find a Pandora station that magically inspired me to pay attention at work.

Also, my HR person is going to kill me if I don't turn in my retirement investment forms soon...and, I have buy a car, like, today. My mechanic gave me to the end of February before my trusty ol' Avalon was no longer safe to drive...dangit! The end of February is tomorrow! HOW did that happen??

In short, sometimes I really hate having to pretend I'm adult..

This post o' randomness was brought to you by: a girl distractedly looking forward to the weekend way more than she should...stupid weekdays that get in the way.. oh well :)

Happy Vday-plus-11

I haven't been to my myspace page in about a year, and yesterday was on there for a sec - I had totally forgotten about the song on my profile, "Shh" by Donora. It's from this pretty neat music vid by PostSecret, all re: matters of the heart - the good, the bad and the ugly. Enjoy the art!

No more Facebook for a while.

Michelle and I often agree that if something is going to be hard and we don't want to do it, there's a good chance that means we need to do it....

So, I'll be giving up Facebook for Lent. Is it really lame that Facebook is a significant enough piece of my life that it's worth giving it up for Lent? Uh, yep. Which is exactly why I need to do it (well. one reason anyway.)

Plus, I've always had an addictive personality, so as a bonus it'd be great to be able to break that pattern down at least some (and if you've seen my out-of-control Facebook lately, you know that addiction is the word). We shall see..

Anyway, all the email notifications are going off as of midnight tonight, so if you need to contact me....hopefully you already know how to. (And nobody better leave terrible stuff on my wall! Michelle, you're in charge of that hehe.)

Also, Nicole has demanded that if I nix the Facebooking, I have to blog more....I'm sure that won't be a problem, nic :) (PS, this blog is imported to Facebook automatically, so that doesn't count!)

So, giving up: Facebook.
Adding: for starters, the Lenten devotional I slacked off on last year...




Didn't originally think I would say this, but I'm actually looking forward to it. (Looking forward to a lot of things this "Bright Sadness" season...more on that to come in the weeks ahead.)

i am thinking...

...that words can be given as gifts or wielded as weapons.
...everyone knows that "sticks and stones" rhyme is a load of crap, but i only just realized that the words you let come out of your mouth can affect not only others, but yourself, too. The good ones and the bad ones.
...sometimes i get inspired by words completely apart from any context. I read the phrase "spice box" today and now I want to write either a poem or a stream-of-consciousness short story called Box of Spices. {yep. see my blog's title}

...I am blown away by the fact that i just took my paperwhites out of the dark recently, and they grew about one foot in about one week; I didn't know that was possible. quite an apt metaphor for my life these days.

...if my life could be blessed with one intangible quality this year, i would want it to be: balance

...guilt is a terrible thing to waste your energy on.

...one of the reasons i hate to watch the local news is because the frenetic B-roll makes me feel like I'm going to have an epileptic seizure

...life is often what you make of it, and I think we forget that.

...The Bachelor's hook this season is so wrong and I just hope that little boy somehow makes it out unscathed. The television industry is no stranger to questionable ethics, but I still can't believe a real child was used as a pawn for ratings. (I can't say I've watched it, but seriously? People consider that good entertainment?)

...continually trying to dismantle various expectations (of "what i want," "what should be," etc.) has served me pretty well over the years, but it's probably not the best or safest advice to pass on to others.

New favorites!

What a great day for discoveries! Roomie Emily and I had a lovely morning with some friends: homemade biscotti, Peruvian hot chocolate (it comes in bar form which you shave apart with a knife, then cook with milk and sugar...super yummy), the Natalie Merchant-y Eliza Rosbach, and the movie the Gospel of John, which was surprisingly intriguing rather than cheesy (even though Jesus is played by Desmond from Lost...weird).

And this wasn't discovered today, but speaking of Peruvian hot chocolate, I think everyone needs to know about the best chocolate shop everrr: Escazu, located on Glenwood South in downtown Raleigh. (It's next door to the hookah bar Casablanca that I've halfway been wanting to try...though we all know that the only reason I'm even slightly interested is because it's basically dessert-flavored smoke. But do I really want to puff Caterpillar-style on strawberry tobacco? My friends call me the hippie among us, but I'm not sure I'm quite that far out.) Anyway, Escazu = local confectioners who use Latin American flavorings, and it's nearly impossible to choose what you want because everything looks so incredible...KT and I are going to start a tradition of treating ourselves to Escazu after we work it out Latin-style with Zumba down the street (which, by the way, is probably the most fun aerobic exercise you'll ever do...thanks to Jana for that one!)

Back to later this morning: Em had to stop by the Fresh Market, which gave me a chance to peek through this Cameron Village shop I have been itching to get to, the Pirate's Chest (formerly the Carolina Antique Mall). It's simply great, and I can't wait until I have a real house and an excuse to decorate out of that store (besides World Market and 10,000 Villages). Lots of beautiful antique pieces, plus other random quirky stuff - but all laid out as vignettes (good), not row after overwhelming row (bad). Also, I used to work at a gifts-and-interior-decor store that had similar items (though all new, not antique), and I can definitely say that there are good-to-really-good buys to be had at the Pirate's Chest. (Not just furniture/decor...if you're a jewelry fiend like me, get thee to the Pirate's Chest. Think flea market jewelry, and slightly pricier-but-nicer.)

Plus, further evidence that I need to dig into more of Leonard Cohen's work: the oft-covered "Hallelujah" composer also wrote the pretty pretty song, "Dance Me to the End of Love," that has been covered by The Civil Wars (a promising side project from Joy Williams and John Paul White). Thanks to the beautiful Shelly for leaving it on my computer last night!

Oh, and happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

[Photo by Jinglchelle]

I am so tired of cancer...

I know that's an odd way to start a blog post, but it's true. I know so many people who have been (/are) hurt and affected by it. I'm not in a "questioning-God-frame-of-mind" at this point in my life, but if I was I'm sure that would be at the top of my list.

Two of the four funerals I went to last year were because of cancer. Most of my relatives that have passed away during my lifetime have done so as a result of cancer. And I know plenty of people who are still here with us, but struggling against this complex, monstrous disease of many forms, including my own dear sweet grandmother.

I hate it.

I'm glad to say that, though, because frankly, I've been beginning to worry lately if my compassion for these kinds of things was momentarily tapped out. I don't mean to sound macabre, but death (i.e. many deaths) has been so much a part of my life in the past two years, that recently it hasn't been affecting me the way it once did, or the way I think it should, in terms of an emotional compassionate response to those who are involved. When my mom told me my grandmother had cancer, I'm pretty sure she was a little confused by my response, because I acted like she had just told me she was headed to the grocery store.

I'm not at all saying that I think about it all the time, but I can't deny that death has been a theme in my life these past two years, and I worry how long it's going to continue, with aging relatives and all that...

And just for now I won't go into why I believe death does not need to be a journey ending in darkness for the person who experiences it directly....but for the rest of us, for those who perhaps have to watch (or maybe worse, don't have a chance to watch) and then are left behind, it can be dark sometimes. It's a very hard thing.

Sorry for the selfish downer post and I hope it doesn't make anyone feel bad...just had to get it out of my system for today so that I can get back to and focus on enjoying the full life of the living...

It's funny....

I often find myself getting all wistful and envious when I see pictures from or hear about friends who have traveled the world, finding adventures and meeting fascinating people all along the way....

I know this is partly because people like to say, "do it when you're young, before you're settled...it's now or never!" (invariably said by the people who consider themselves well past the "now" stage).

But, not until this weekend did it really occur to me that: 1) while I would have loved to have been "that girl" who was an international vagabond right out of college, what I gained by giving that up is turning out to be just as rewarding. I'm thriving in a career that I love because it challenges me personally, professionally and creatively, and I've been able to establish a lot of meaningful, life-enriching relationships with the people around me.

...and 2) I don't actually believe in "now or never" for most things, and certainly not that.


My second epiphany from the weekend is that for some people, what they love and what they're actually good at are different things, which tends to translate into what they do everyday (to make a buck) not being what they love. I happen to come very close to having the two be one and the same, and thank you God, that is freakin' awesome! Mmmhm. Really, thank you.

Introducing The Shiggles!

I hope you enjoy this world premiere performance of The Shiggles, the hottest new dance-pop group since Pussycat Dolls...obviously.

:)

For the Love of Art

I stumbled across this amazing set of Disneyworld photographs...

I've never been, but if it were possible for the place to be as magical as these photos, my life would suddenly become incomplete without a visit.


I would also like to point out, especially to any Eisley fans out there, that Sherri Dupree is a magnificent illustrator/amateur photographer. I love her work.

~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * +

and i am quite pleased to say that i am mixing up my own creative dish, to be served, possibly, starting in a few months [by my brother and myself]....i shall say no more for now because i don't want to give anything away yet (in case it falls flat like a bad souffle). but i am ex-ci-TED, capital TED.

Thankful

I am realizing more and more what a wonderful job I have. Sure, it might get a little tedious and boring every once in a while (whose job doesn't?), but mainly, it is a huge blessing in a whole lot of ways. I am so grateful.

And, I have reached a point in my life where I have many, many friends, probably more than the rest of my life combined. I LOVE it; my friends make my life so much the richer. I am very grateful.

I feel like my life is currently strangely void of major personal conflict and turmoil for once, and I am finding myself in a unique position (for me) to truly focus on giving to the people I love rather than getting from them. It's a strange but good state - I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully a long time. I am grateful for the opportunity...

Misery loves company ;)

Romans 7:15-25

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I've appreciated that passage for years, sometimes WAY more than at other times....today is one of those days. Paul's words are so twisting and crazy-sounding in and of themselves (well, the English version of his words, anyway), not even to speak of their meaning, that they perfectly capture one of my greatest inner turmoils.

"Wretched."

"Rescue me?..."

"Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is anyone else super grateful this passage got written and stuck in the Bible where we would see it centuries later? The fact that Paul was as screwed up as me (and like me, probably in ways not visible to the general public) always makes me feel better, somehow. :)

If I could kick myself, I would...

....for quitting my knee rehab way too early.

The first step: I am finally admitting to myself that not doing rehab for two months is not a "long break because I was busy;" that is quitting! Which is not an option if I want to have my knee back to normal.

AH! Moral and prayer support appreciated :) I think this moves to the top of my New Years Resolution list. My knee has regressed, and I know it's because I haven't been taking care of it during the healing process nearly as well as I should be. I absolutely must change this. There is NO way I'm going to let that freakin' expensive surgery be for nothing.

Denied!

This makes me laugh...
...partly because it reminds me of the e-card my favorite aunt sent this past December, explaining why no one was getting anything this year.

Birthday (Month) Musings

I don't know why, but I am tremendously excited to be turning twenty-five this month. I suddenly feel like I'm not a little girl anymore (a good thing, I think). A quarter of a century sounds quite grand to me, thank you.

Honestly, it's hard for me to understand why my nearing-30-years-old friends freak out about their age....they say that's because I'm "so young," of course. For some reason, I think of five years back as much younger, but five years ahead as not so much older at all. I don't know....maybe it bothers me that my "older" friends talk as they do because I'm losing my confidence that I won't feel just the same way when I reach that age.

I'd like to think I'll think the same way then as I do now, but let's face it...I'm just going to call it like I've been seeing it...there is apparently something terrible about being 30 and unmarried. I guess when you're 25, there's supposedly still so much promise ahead of you, but somehow in the intermittence of those short five years, promise turns into desperation -- if you're still single, that is. I keep telling my friends that no one on prime time tv (you know, where all is hip and chic) gets married until post-30, but that's usually when my friends roll their eyes at me.

I hate that so much of our hope for a happy life hangs on finding our soulmates. I really, really do. It's so distracting; it's so hard to focus on living for others and living for God when that deeply rooted desire is so consuming just because it's unfulfilled. I have friends who placate themselves (or try to) by remind themselves that the Lord is supposed to be our passion and portion and all that, and maybe that works for them...it doesn't seem to for me, because it just makes me feel more guilty -- because knowing that intellectually doesn't do much for me relationally or emotionally, which seems like another spiritual failing and I have enough guilt issues that I don't care to add to them by thinking about that..

Mainly, I love to enjoy the life God has given me, but the concerns of my older, likewise-single friends are scaring me into thinking this could one day cease to be the case...I don't want that. I'm not sure how to escape it, though. I'd rather be married before thirty, but if that doesn't happen, how am I supposed avoid the dreaded Bridget Jones singleton-as-pariah self-characterization? Please, please tell me that there are morally sound, content 30-year-olds out there who don't think their life is over because they're single but instead are still cheerfully optimistic about the future.

I'm so sleepy....I wonder if this post will make any sense at all in the morning..

Happy new year, friends.

Melinda's New Year's Resolutions Guidelines: 2009 Edition

Let's recap.

• Car care - I am doing somewhat better about taking care of my car. (I can only say that because I just took it in for maintenance for the first time this year...)
• Gym - I was doing the gym thing pretty regularly for a while, seeing how I wanted to be able to walk without a limp...I have since 100% lapsed in this, though. Must resume rehab so i can stop lying to my therapist.
• Move to Spain - this dream has been transferred to moving to London. Which will not happen in 2009, so this one doesn't even count yet.
• Get paid to write - I don't think I got one thing published this year, much less paid for. (I have started writing a children's novel, though. And by "started" I mean I have thrown away what I've started and am now just thinking about it.)
• Dance lessons - sadly, those didn't last long into 2008 :( Maybe I'll fit them in again once we get those eight-day weeks going!
• Be a better friend - I think the fact that I have gotten better at this in some ways, coupled with the fact that I made a lot more friends in 2008 and had less time to spend with each friend, means that I about broke even this year.
• Raven Rock - STILL haven't gone! wtc?
• Improve cello-ing - given that I actually practiced at home a couple times this year, I'm thinking I did alright.
• Volunteer - hah. Did that, then did that too much, then quit almost completely. "Balance" is my theme for 2009.
• Paint - not enough.
• Grow up - holy crap, I think that happened; I no longer feel like a child! It all started with a haircut..
• Save $ - yes!! wow! Getting a real job for the first time seems to help with that.
  
• Tattoo - not only did I finally decide on a design, I decided on it in three days and then got it! Still love it, ten months later...a good sign.
• Mountain trip - not once, but twice, heyyyy
• Decrease 3-C dependencies - cereal, chocolate, computers. I succeeded in one of the three! (A hint: I think the foods are a lost cause..) Of course, now I never answer my emails, oops.
  
• Figure out my book - hah! I forgot about that one. And look, it's happening anyway :) kinda. Well, not so much. Hello, 2009.
  
• Learn to use my camera - now that I have a camera that I actually like, this is finally in progress.
• Photo shoot - cello + field. Still a no. It WILL happen one day.

So in addition to all the ones above that are still left wanting and therefore are transferable to each new year until finally achieved, here are Melinda's 2009 Guidelines:

• Learn more French. It sounds pretty! (As of now, all I can say in French is, "Paris, I love you. Such is life. Let the good times role. The question is, will you?" Plus I can make propositions to men thanks to Moulin Rouge, but that hardly counts.)
  
• Learn more guitar. Starting with the Beatles. Mmm.
  
• Write a real song. Like, the kind that is finished, and not embarrassing.
  
• Plan the Big UK Trip. Try to exclude fantasies about marrying a Brit uncannily similar to James McAvoy.
• Sing in public. Whatever that means...at least once.
  
• Be hot AND healthy. I'm convinced it's possible...maybe this is the year!
  
• Learn to cook non-dessert foods; perhaps even plan a full meal once in a while, geez.
  
• Keep my bedroom, house and car neat and clean. For more than two days straight.
• Do whatever it takes to be able breathe better. This is probably related to the previous point, unfortunately.
  
• Live without cable.
• Be a better granddaughter.
  
• Go on a real date or two. Or heck, go crazy and maybe even more than two. Why not? Oh wait, I know why not ;)
  
• Visit my MD/VA friends!
• Hang out at a monastery for a week. Since I already have a room reserved, this is like one of those things you add to a to-do list that you've already done, so that you can feel accomplished...
• Play with little kids.
  
• Clean out all my personal and work email inboxes. Ugh.
• Start writing poetry again.
  

I should probably stop there...no need to make it unreasonably impossible. Kinda impossible is good enough, methinks.

Interesting column in the N&O today.

"Why are Christian neighbors so aloof?"

If I remember, I might even come back later and give my reaction..

After all, i AM a girl :P :)

I haven't had my wedding planned out since I was age 6. In fact, the only early wedding planning I've ever done (as in, it'll probably be at least several years before it's worth any serious consideration) is mainly in wondering how I could possibly arrange an elopement without making my family furious...

One chicken I have counted before it's hatched, though, is with kid names...I can't help it...I've been coming up with future-baby-names for years (odd, since the idea of having kids freaks me out kinda. I'm working on that..) And it may seem extreme that these are clearly more than mental notes (my memory's definitely not this good), but...see my blog title. I love words; names are words...it makes sense to me, anyway :)

So here's another glimpse into Melinda's psyche, or something. May you be entertained, or at least indulging enough to not make fun of me. :P

Boys

Aidan (but a friend already used this! hah oh well)
Brennan
Cadian
Connor
Hawken - really? I had forgotten this was on the list..not gonna lie, still kinda like it
Julian
Kellan - no, this has been on the list for years and has nothing to do with Twilight


annnd, the Girls list is tons longer (also odd, since I want a boy first)

Adriana or Ariana
Aubrey or Audra or Audrey
Aline - from one of my fav authors, Aline de Romanones
Avonlea - I think it's such a beautiful name, except it'd probably have to be spelled Avanlea or Evonlea because I'd hate for my kid to have Avon for a nickname...almost as bad as Mary Kay
Carmen
Elena
Elise
Ella
Elia or Elianna
Evelyn
Flynn - love this one
Gabrielle or Gabriella
Georgia
Irena - almost like me
Julian - almost like it better for a girl than a boy
Leila
London
Maeve
Margot
Mica
Natania
Natasha
Noel
Renata - i'd probably have to marry a latin or italian boy for that to work though :P
Rose
Sanna - as in short for hosanna...except it's probably no good, given how it sounds too much like a certain jolly elf
Sierra or Sienna
Sonia
Sophie
Tacy

Course, things change. When I was much younger, some of my favorite books were by a woman named Maud Hart Lovelace, and I declared to my mom that one day I wanted a daughter named Maud. Yikes.

Get thee to a nunnery!

...or, how about a monastery? I've just found out that I'm going to be spending the week after Easter at a Trappist monastery in South Carolina.

I suppose this is related to the previous post a bit, but it's not a sudden decision, exactly. I've wanted to do it for years.

I say "just found out," though, because I merely inquired about room availability for "any of the weeks in April"...and the next day got an email back saying they had made a reservation for me the week after Easter. I was a little bemused but decided to roll with it.

Oh, and Trappists don't talk, or not most of the time, anyway. I've been wanting a quiet week; looks like I'm going to get one in a big way.

I'm really, really excited. And a little scared (in a good way). Spiritual development and communion and fellowship aside (which I of course look forward to, though with some trepidation...maybe I'll explain later), I'm also ecstatic about spending a full week away from conventional society.

I picked April hoping the weather would be fairly mild (and also because their flower gardens might be picking up about then...I love absorbing God through nature's beauty). "Guestmaster" Brother Stephen picked the week of Easter Sunday; I'm going with it.

It's funny; I'm already reminded that I will be spending time in a community of humans, not otherworldly, perfect saints. About a year ago, the Mepkin Abbey monks were embroiled in a controversy for the inhumane treatment of their chickens (though sadly, the said practices are pretty standard for most farmers). Even though they've done away with those practices (because, they said, the controversy was disrupting their monastic life), that was a bit disappointing. But...who am I kidding? They are human. Was I looking to spend time with perfect, sinless creatures? I'd have to go into the isolated wilderness to commune with God for that one, and I'm definitely not ready for that.

Anyway, I've never done anything remotely close to this. I've never even been to a Catholic mass, except one Easter when I was 13, I think. Definitely have never spent more than a day around people without talking, much less five. Definitely have never eaten a vegetarian diet for more than one meal at a time. Definitely have never had so much free time to be quiet and alone with God with only myself as a possible distraction.

I can't wait to hear what I have to share when I get back...hopefully something.

You know you are too busy when...

You know you are too busy when you forget to open the email that's telling you it's time to pay your credit card bill.

Dang it!

A friend and I were joking the other day about how we need an extreme personal assistant to help us keep track of all our bills, insurance stuff, retirement plans, and to remind us to call Grandma on her birthday, bake for church this weekend and floss our teeth daily.

Seriously, I feel like I am constantly making efforts to become more organized, more responsible, more on top of things, but it never seems to be quite enough. AGHHH. I'm sure this is all part of learning to be an adult yadda yadda blah blah blah, but if I can barely handle things now (and half the time, I'm pretty sure I'm not) I don't want to think about what it will be like as my life gets more complicated.

Because I'm assuming it will. Our society, for all it's gadgetry and "self-helpthink" geared toward making our lives more simple, is still very steadily plodding along to more and more complexity, in my opinion.

Yeah, I'm sure it's been good for something. Well, I take that back; I'm not totally sure. Are more people really receiving more help to live better lives, or is all this complexity just shoving us toward bigger and better ways to increase our own comfort, financial success and sense of self-importance? Sometimes I question if it's really worth it.

I'm not going to lie; one reason I love reading books set in earlier time periods is because I love fantasizing about a time when our world had not be revolutionized by modern technology. Everything moved more slowly, I think, pre-internet and other tech advances. Yeah, we get more done, now...but at what cost? Our way of living has been forever changed, and (outside of medical advances) I really can't decide if the good outweighs the bad.

If you think I'm being melodramatic, let me tell you this: I have lived almost directly across the street from an acquaintance from church for more than a year now. Have we ever hung out, being about a 3-second walk from each other? Nope, because we didn't realize we were neighbors until last week! How did we not know this?? Once upon a time, there would have been no way to not know this.

Sigh...I love having cutting-edge medicine and DVDs, but other than that, I think modern life is too complicated for my taste.

all i want for Christmas...

...is to be able to breathe normally. Seriously, Santa, that would be great!

that, and to find my good capo, dangit.