I've said this how many times? Too many, I think, for me to still be able to say it. But I miss the art in my life. It's even more accurate in Spanish, me hace falta -- "it creates a lacking in me." And this vacancy is becoming a serious source of irritation.
My life, especially my creativity, is in danger of being consumed by my job, something which I plan to nip in the bud after this week. Given this is the first job I've ever had that I truly enjoy, I can tell it's something I'll have to be cautious about...which is weird. But what I really care about is getting involved in a church and a home group, and then finding a way to get tapped into--or even better, become a part of--"the artist community" of the United States. Whatever that means. But when you get even the tiniest taste of it, all you want is more. And I want it back. And I definitely want it more.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Racial reconciliation and the Church.
A Voice of Healing
(from 850 Words of Relevant)
The events surrounding what has become known as the Jena 6 case have recently underscored the racial tension in the United States. The story of six African-American high-school students, who were suspected of beating up a white classmate, suddenly became an evening-news fixture as the nation watched the details of the case unfold. Weeks before the fight broke out, several white students hung a noose from a tree at the high school, and tension escalated between the racially divided groups. When prosecutors only brought charges against the African-American youths (and many felt the charges were too severe), protestors took to the streets in the town, and suddenly a racial divide was apparent.
We recently had the chance to speak with Efrem Smith, pastor of Sanctuary Covenant in Minneapolis. Along with fostering a multiethnic community at his church, Smith hosts the Time for Reconciliation radio show and speaks on the topic of racial reconciliation.
What’s the vision of your church?
The vision of our church is a Christ-centered community that is multiethnic, that is urban, that is relevant and that is holistic, and that we would equip people in the city to be salt and light, and to be salt and light in a way that it reaches the hurting and the lost.
What are the biggest challenges the Church is facing right now in order to get to racial reconciliation?
Well, churches have to first—and it starts with leadership—come to the understanding that we live in a racialized society that in many ways is a distraction and goes against the kind of community that Christ makes possible through His death and resurrection. Sociologists say and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that Sunday morning at 11:00 is the most segregated hour in America. We have to see the Gospel message as wanting to do something about that and as going against that racialized norm of our society.
What are your expectations for the next generation coming up in the Church?
Well, I think that in this generation, in the emerging generation, there is a hunger, a desire, a genuine felt need for something other than what our grandparents and parents grew up in, in terms of a very rigid racial, racialized society rooted in individualism. And I expect this generation of youth and young adults especially to forge new identities and a new reality of what community is, and how we live life in an ever-increasing multiethnic, multicultural world.
What do you think the Church’s reaction should be to something like the Jena 6 case?
I think that the Church needs two things when you look at a situation like the Jena 6 situation. One is, the Church needs to be a voice of healing, of unity, of peace, of forgiveness. We need to uplift those things that I think are the real fruits of the spirit and that really model the work of Jesus Christ when He walked the earth.
The second thing, though, is the Church has to be prophetic and be honest that racism is still an injustice that has not gone away. And I think that there’s a segment—not all, but there’s a segment—of European Americans who live in a place of privilege and don’t recognize that race is still a very important issue in our country.
Is there a way to get that certain segment to recognize what’s going on?
Yes. I think that when we realize that based on Matthew chapter 1, the genealogy of Jesus, that Jesus walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. He wasn’t white. You can’t just make Him all African either, but He walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. When we realize that the first Christian community and church as we know it was multiethnic, and when we also realize and understand that the place we’re going to live eternally, heaven, is multiethnic, then I think we’re able to question, Well, then, why have we lifted up a Christ, a Church and a Gospel that is fundamentally Eurocentric in nature and Westernized? And when you’re not able to acknowledge that and deal with that, putting limits on how we view Jesus and how we view the Church, how we view the Good News, the Gospel message—I think when we understand them, we’ll get a better understanding of why the continued racial tension and issues that we see arise in something like the Jena 6 situation.
How do you think Christians need to react to encounters with racism?
Well, I think the very first counteractive move you can make against racism is to have authentic, deep, meaningful relationships with people of a different ethnicity. That you share meals with them, you share stories with them and you’re engaged in relationships with people that are different than you. That’s the most important move, that you’re truly loving your neighbor across racial lines as yourself. Because really, for that commandment to have meaning—because we’re in a racialized society—we have to say, “Love your neighbor across race as yourself” for that commandment to truly have meaning and power in our world today.
I think from that authentic relationship across race—loving your neighbor—it’s going to develop in you a compassion and a sensitivity to not tolerate racism, whether it’s institutional or individual. I think without a deep friendship, relationship across race, it’s hard to develop the proper sensitivity to speak out and act out against racism, whether it’s individual or institutional.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Defenders of the...feminine
I find it very ironic that, as a woman, I have never been passionate about women's issues. I'm certainly not an all-out feminist by modern standards, though by virtue of the fact that I'm a woman, there are naturally certain things I have strong opinions about...but not passionately so, for the most part.
And then this summer, I started taking classes in the Bushido Judo School's Women's Self-Defense program, and all of a sudden I find myself wildly taken up with the cause of women's safety and protection. My instructor, a man of course (it doesn't do much good to practice beating up on a woman), possesses a more acute sense of respect for women than almost anyone I've ever met, and it occurred to me: he's a man! I'm a woman; where's my sense of honor and love towards my fellow woman?
And so I've gotten on a kick (though I hope it's more than that) of advocacy for women's safety...it hasn't paid off too well with the women I already know, sadly. Most of my friends smile and say "yeah, that class sounds like a good idea," but I haven't been able to convey the importance of it yet. I guess it will take time, and understandably. Four months ago I was an ambivalent bystander, more or less, and only signed up for one class because I knew my mom would continue to harass me if I didn't. Hey, if harassment is what it takes to get the women I care about into a place where they better know how to protect themselves, I don't mind the job. And to anyone riding the fence, I'd like to say: you really don't know what you've been missing all this time until you go. Trust me.
In the meantime, I'm considering becoming a volunteer for Interact of Wake County, which "provides safety, support, and awareness to victims and survivors of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault." This is not the garden-weeding, kitchen-cleaning, boutique-fundraiser-cashiering I'm used to doing...this is really investing myself in the lives of people who have been hurt. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't really intimidate me, but to be honest, I think it's time I grow up. I say I want a "better world," and that I want to "share the love of Christ," but playing it safe isn't going to help any of that to happen.
And then this summer, I started taking classes in the Bushido Judo School's Women's Self-Defense program, and all of a sudden I find myself wildly taken up with the cause of women's safety and protection. My instructor, a man of course (it doesn't do much good to practice beating up on a woman), possesses a more acute sense of respect for women than almost anyone I've ever met, and it occurred to me: he's a man! I'm a woman; where's my sense of honor and love towards my fellow woman?
And so I've gotten on a kick (though I hope it's more than that) of advocacy for women's safety...it hasn't paid off too well with the women I already know, sadly. Most of my friends smile and say "yeah, that class sounds like a good idea," but I haven't been able to convey the importance of it yet. I guess it will take time, and understandably. Four months ago I was an ambivalent bystander, more or less, and only signed up for one class because I knew my mom would continue to harass me if I didn't. Hey, if harassment is what it takes to get the women I care about into a place where they better know how to protect themselves, I don't mind the job. And to anyone riding the fence, I'd like to say: you really don't know what you've been missing all this time until you go. Trust me.
In the meantime, I'm considering becoming a volunteer for Interact of Wake County, which "provides safety, support, and awareness to victims and survivors of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault." This is not the garden-weeding, kitchen-cleaning, boutique-fundraiser-cashiering I'm used to doing...this is really investing myself in the lives of people who have been hurt. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't really intimidate me, but to be honest, I think it's time I grow up. I say I want a "better world," and that I want to "share the love of Christ," but playing it safe isn't going to help any of that to happen.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
embracing my inner 16-year-old
So lately I have noticed that I have been getting (perhaps in response to a total lack of real candidates in my life?) silly little middle school crushes all over the place these days. And by all over the place I mean three, but three at once is two more at once than ever before, and three more than most times (did you get all that?) No, no identities will be given, since you don't know them anyway -- heck, I don't even know two of them (and never will...trust me. Thus, silly girl.)
Anyway, me and my analytical self have coped with feeling like I've reverted back to the typical girlhood I never actually had by realizing there are valuable lessons to be learned...at least in terms of recognizing what is attractive to me in guys. Well, recognizing isn't perhaps the best word, as I pretty much already knew. Better "reinforcing," maybe--reinforcing the fact that there are some things that attract me no matter how much I wish they didn't, or how glad I am they do.
Basically, and here comes the personal ad, I'm attracted most intensely to men* who are genuinely seeking to thrive in a relationship with Christ above all else. That relationship is the most important thing to me personally, so it follows. That's one of the attractions I'm grateful for, along with: guys who proactively honor and respect women, are patient, have an easygoing and good-natured sense of humor (though the more ironic and witty the better), get along well with all kinds of people, love the outdoors...and that's as far as my brain goes for now..
The rest fall in both the "I'm glad" and "I wish they didn't" categories, because haven't you noticed that what attracts you most in a person so often tends to become expressed in a manner that actually drives you away? Yes: guys who have an artistic spirit (especially in music and/or poetic and prosaic writing...kindred spirit, you know), are self-assured and confident, are slightly smarter than me in some ways, haven't had a perfect life, have strong convictions, are socially conscious, mentally flexible, introspective...and bigger than me (yes, it somehow doesn't seem to happen much and so I sometimes regret that one :P).
So if you meet all of these, you can call me at (919) 60--just kidding.
*(I'm TRYING to learn to say men instead of guys....it's not easy....not to be mean, but it's difficult for me to consider any male under the age of 30 as a "man"...probably because it's difficult for me to consider any female under the age of 30 as a "woman")
Anyway, me and my analytical self have coped with feeling like I've reverted back to the typical girlhood I never actually had by realizing there are valuable lessons to be learned...at least in terms of recognizing what is attractive to me in guys. Well, recognizing isn't perhaps the best word, as I pretty much already knew. Better "reinforcing," maybe--reinforcing the fact that there are some things that attract me no matter how much I wish they didn't, or how glad I am they do.
Basically, and here comes the personal ad, I'm attracted most intensely to men* who are genuinely seeking to thrive in a relationship with Christ above all else. That relationship is the most important thing to me personally, so it follows. That's one of the attractions I'm grateful for, along with: guys who proactively honor and respect women, are patient, have an easygoing and good-natured sense of humor (though the more ironic and witty the better), get along well with all kinds of people, love the outdoors...and that's as far as my brain goes for now..
The rest fall in both the "I'm glad" and "I wish they didn't" categories, because haven't you noticed that what attracts you most in a person so often tends to become expressed in a manner that actually drives you away? Yes: guys who have an artistic spirit (especially in music and/or poetic and prosaic writing...kindred spirit, you know), are self-assured and confident, are slightly smarter than me in some ways, haven't had a perfect life, have strong convictions, are socially conscious, mentally flexible, introspective...and bigger than me (yes, it somehow doesn't seem to happen much and so I sometimes regret that one :P).
So if you meet all of these, you can call me at (919) 60--just kidding.
*(I'm TRYING to learn to say men instead of guys....it's not easy....not to be mean, but it's difficult for me to consider any male under the age of 30 as a "man"...probably because it's difficult for me to consider any female under the age of 30 as a "woman")
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Lo Perdido
So I've been exploring and experiencing the concept of loss for a while, both theoretically and practically. One thing I've learned is it's all about perspective - for example, I felt the truly panicky impact of impending financial loss when I impacted the side of my brother's truck into the drive-thru menu at Burger King this weekend. But as I suddenly remember that my cousin would have turned 25 today were it not for the drunk driver who caused her life to end four and a half months ago, I am recalled to a much more profound sense of loss. And even that is more far-reaching than I can imagine, from her fiancee who is trying to pull his life back together to the drunk driver's young child whose mother sits in jail awaiting trial.
Not that I think I should always consider the fact that "it could be worse" -- "it will get better" is a much more rosy approach -- but I'll admit, that's often one way of how I get through things.
Loss is a part of life -- it just happens. How do we deal with it? The answer to that is, naturally, incredibly telling of the person we are at our very core.
And the ruminations will continue next time...
Not that I think I should always consider the fact that "it could be worse" -- "it will get better" is a much more rosy approach -- but I'll admit, that's often one way of how I get through things.
Loss is a part of life -- it just happens. How do we deal with it? The answer to that is, naturally, incredibly telling of the person we are at our very core.
And the ruminations will continue next time...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
me pregunto...
So I wonder how a person goes about getting a little numb, mainly as it seems that's what I've gone and done. Not totally numb, mind you, but just enough to notice. Just enough to notice that there's nothing really driving me right now except the fact that I have a new job and am soon to have a new place in a (sort-of) new city. And God knows I never wanted anything like that to be "what drives me." And I know I won't stay in that place...but still, it makes me wonder what it's gonna take to leave it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
a word is dead?...
So, back in the days when I felt compelled to spill my guts onto the internet, I longed for the day when I would be too busy with life to be bothered with it.
Now that day has come, I'm not so sure how I feel about it.
I haven't written a blog post, a poem, an article, nothing - in SOO long..
I haven't done any non-wedding-related music in even longer...
I haven't painted anything in about half as long.
I don't know how much more I can bear a schedule that stifles the creative urges....Either something's gotta change, or I'm going to have to resort to caffeine pills and not sleeping. Simple as that.
Now that day has come, I'm not so sure how I feel about it.
I haven't written a blog post, a poem, an article, nothing - in SOO long..
I haven't done any non-wedding-related music in even longer...
I haven't painted anything in about half as long.
I don't know how much more I can bear a schedule that stifles the creative urges....Either something's gotta change, or I'm going to have to resort to caffeine pills and not sleeping. Simple as that.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i'm done, apparently
I just forgot how old I was. Literally -- I just had a moment when knowledge of my age was necessary, and I experienced a few seconds of "twenty-two or twenty-three? twenty-two or twenty-three?"
I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many, many more years to come.
I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many, many more years to come.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
ON SINGLENESS yeah that's right.
[sparked by that question every woman loves to hear from her mother, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Gotta love it.]
In college, dating was by no means something I was disinterested in, but neither was it much of a priority (if you knew me then, I know you're just shocked). I always wondered why I didn't get all crazy and weepy about my lack of a love life, because it seemed like most girls who likewise didn't have one were at least pining for one, but I didn't exactly feel that way. Which was fine with me.
Come graduation, though, that story sure did change - suddenly my friends were getting married, and I wanted to, too! For the first time in my life, I was *not* okay with being alone. I wanted somebody to "share my experiences with" (okay, so part of my motive was honestly just to have someone to cushion the impending blow of the Real World)...plus "everyone" I knew was getting married, and it was contagious. I like weddings...but eventually, after five or six in a year....you start...to..get a little....antsy..
Now a year out, I'm tumbling around somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I'd love to be married four or five years from now, which means dating someone important...like..soon, but I'll admit, I really like being single right now...maybe too much. I don't know. Between work and, well, more work, I feel like I barely have enough time for myself as it is, and the idea of fitting someone else into my life-space doesn't even seem conceivable. And lets face it, boys make girls crazy and I like my crazy at the manageable level it's currently at, thank you. Plus, if ever there was a committment-phobe, I Am She. As in, I have a hard time committing to even just being nice to a guy, much less anything more....stop laughing and nodding, Michelle. Plus...I know everyone has neuroses, but I'm particularly afraid of mine, and am still trying to find a balance between working them out and understanding that I never completely will.
That said, I know about God's timing and all that (so now you can forget that comment you were going to leave), and it just happens that I've never once thought of myself as being one of the rare "called to lifelong singleness" ones - I pretty much know I'm going to be married. It's just a matter of when. 27, 30 or 37? My mid-fifties, never-married aunt looks to be nearing Marriage Land, which is so great! But I really don't want to wait that long.
When my mom popped the question, I gave her a flippantly exhasperated "I don't know, Mom," then backed up with my standard, "because my church and neighborhood consist of college students, at work there are only women and gay men, and basically all my guy friends are married or almost so." Which, of course, paints a picture of it having nothing to do with me or my own choices...which is not the real case. I've played a big role in my current status, for better or for worse.
Funny, I don't really know how to end this. Which is appropriate, I guess.
In college, dating was by no means something I was disinterested in, but neither was it much of a priority (if you knew me then, I know you're just shocked). I always wondered why I didn't get all crazy and weepy about my lack of a love life, because it seemed like most girls who likewise didn't have one were at least pining for one, but I didn't exactly feel that way. Which was fine with me.
Come graduation, though, that story sure did change - suddenly my friends were getting married, and I wanted to, too! For the first time in my life, I was *not* okay with being alone. I wanted somebody to "share my experiences with" (okay, so part of my motive was honestly just to have someone to cushion the impending blow of the Real World)...plus "everyone" I knew was getting married, and it was contagious. I like weddings...but eventually, after five or six in a year....you start...to..get a little....antsy..
Now a year out, I'm tumbling around somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I'd love to be married four or five years from now, which means dating someone important...like..soon, but I'll admit, I really like being single right now...maybe too much. I don't know. Between work and, well, more work, I feel like I barely have enough time for myself as it is, and the idea of fitting someone else into my life-space doesn't even seem conceivable. And lets face it, boys make girls crazy and I like my crazy at the manageable level it's currently at, thank you. Plus, if ever there was a committment-phobe, I Am She. As in, I have a hard time committing to even just being nice to a guy, much less anything more....stop laughing and nodding, Michelle. Plus...I know everyone has neuroses, but I'm particularly afraid of mine, and am still trying to find a balance between working them out and understanding that I never completely will.
That said, I know about God's timing and all that (so now you can forget that comment you were going to leave), and it just happens that I've never once thought of myself as being one of the rare "called to lifelong singleness" ones - I pretty much know I'm going to be married. It's just a matter of when. 27, 30 or 37? My mid-fifties, never-married aunt looks to be nearing Marriage Land, which is so great! But I really don't want to wait that long.
When my mom popped the question, I gave her a flippantly exhasperated "I don't know, Mom," then backed up with my standard, "because my church and neighborhood consist of college students, at work there are only women and gay men, and basically all my guy friends are married or almost so." Which, of course, paints a picture of it having nothing to do with me or my own choices...which is not the real case. I've played a big role in my current status, for better or for worse.
Funny, I don't really know how to end this. Which is appropriate, I guess.
Monday, May 07, 2007
I recommend to YOU:
I highly encourage anyone and everyone to read this book. I'm not even going to try to explain why or what my motives are, but rather will simply say: just go read it! I'd like to think it will change your life...even if only a little.
I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this though, but if you do, AND if you happen to be wondering why I never post real posts anymore, it's because I'm currently scrambling to simultaneously finish out my apprenticeship and find a new [read: real] job. I've temporarily had to forfeit (seems like) just about everything else going on in my life, which is a bummer. But I think exciting new turns are just around the corner; definitely not a bummer! If things work out how I'd like, this summer will find me back living full-time in Raleigh for the first time in five years...I'm muy emocionada :)
[= excited...but I do get emotional about it all too; what can you do, I'm a girlllll.]
:)
Oh and also, I must add a totally unrelated random bit, or else this wouldn't be a true Melinda post: apparently they've been together for a while, but I just today saw on la tele that John & Jessica are a couple. Now, either Jessica Simpson has for years successfully executed one of the most brilliant image acts of all time for commercial gain, or John Mayer is less of a man than I thought he was.
actually, I think the latter must hold true either way...boo, john. And I kind of liked some of your music, too...now it is a tainted like.
I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this though, but if you do, AND if you happen to be wondering why I never post real posts anymore, it's because I'm currently scrambling to simultaneously finish out my apprenticeship and find a new [read: real] job. I've temporarily had to forfeit (seems like) just about everything else going on in my life, which is a bummer. But I think exciting new turns are just around the corner; definitely not a bummer! If things work out how I'd like, this summer will find me back living full-time in Raleigh for the first time in five years...I'm muy emocionada :)
[= excited...but I do get emotional about it all too; what can you do, I'm a girlllll.]
:)
Oh and also, I must add a totally unrelated random bit, or else this wouldn't be a true Melinda post: apparently they've been together for a while, but I just today saw on la tele that John & Jessica are a couple. Now, either Jessica Simpson has for years successfully executed one of the most brilliant image acts of all time for commercial gain, or John Mayer is less of a man than I thought he was.
actually, I think the latter must hold true either way...boo, john. And I kind of liked some of your music, too...now it is a tainted like.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Beatboxing Flute and Cello @ Union Square
justine and I have some work to do if we're going to catch up.
ohhh, but CATCH UP WE WILL. watch out, new york. or maybe, buies creek.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
timing
People talk a lot about God's timing. Sometimes I wonder if we attribute too much to it -- confusion, disappointment, lacking, [insert another negatively connotated noun here]. Maybe some things just happen (obviously, not outside the realm of God's knowledge and control, but I'm just saying it's possible we look too much into things sometimes?...) Maybe we also ought to be attributing good things to God's timing. And by good, I don't mean actually negative stuff that we mask as good in the God-light just so we feel better.
But that's probably one of those heart-changes that requires God's help. Which we probably have to remember to ask for.
Anyway, at the risk of sounding like I'm doing said masking, this was all prompted by my recent thoughts of what my life is doing. Eh, that sounded passive, didn't it--okay, what I'm doing with my life. Up until early this year I've had my fingers into all kinds of various and random activities that made my life more complicated, more full and more fun. Now, I feel like I'm in a season of evaporation. My desire to write, whether articles, in my journal or on my blog, has trickled to a near-nothing [edit: after further thought, I realized that's not true...the mental scribblings are still scrawling about just as much as ever; it's just that these days I feel so distractingly guilty if I ever indulge them into life that I can hardly focus once I begin]; all my musical projects have essentially faded into nonexistence; my friends are harder to get ahold of and hang out with; even my involvement with the church has declined, more via circumstances there than by my own explicit choice.
I don't mean to lump all of those things together and label them as "good" or "bad"; from where I stand, until I understand more, they simply "are." And all of it comes at a time when working on what happens to me in the next few months is very important. Essentially, where will I be working and where will I live? (What will I do; where will I go? to be more esoteric...) Nearly everything else in life seems to have taken a backseat, whether by my own choice or not (mainly not). So, I am curious, and I am embracing this season.
One thing I am doing more...reading. It is nice. It occurs to me that everything I've been doing has been output, and this one source of input has been neglected for quite a while. It is nice.
Currently reading:
Finding Manana: Memoirs of a Cuban Exodus
The Backward Life
Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith Through the Streets of America
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True
But that's probably one of those heart-changes that requires God's help. Which we probably have to remember to ask for.
Anyway, at the risk of sounding like I'm doing said masking, this was all prompted by my recent thoughts of what my life is doing. Eh, that sounded passive, didn't it--okay, what I'm doing with my life. Up until early this year I've had my fingers into all kinds of various and random activities that made my life more complicated, more full and more fun. Now, I feel like I'm in a season of evaporation. My desire to write, whether articles, in my journal or on my blog, has trickled to a near-nothing [edit: after further thought, I realized that's not true...the mental scribblings are still scrawling about just as much as ever; it's just that these days I feel so distractingly guilty if I ever indulge them into life that I can hardly focus once I begin]; all my musical projects have essentially faded into nonexistence; my friends are harder to get ahold of and hang out with; even my involvement with the church has declined, more via circumstances there than by my own explicit choice.
I don't mean to lump all of those things together and label them as "good" or "bad"; from where I stand, until I understand more, they simply "are." And all of it comes at a time when working on what happens to me in the next few months is very important. Essentially, where will I be working and where will I live? (What will I do; where will I go? to be more esoteric...) Nearly everything else in life seems to have taken a backseat, whether by my own choice or not (mainly not). So, I am curious, and I am embracing this season.
One thing I am doing more...reading. It is nice. It occurs to me that everything I've been doing has been output, and this one source of input has been neglected for quite a while. It is nice.
Currently reading:
Finding Manana: Memoirs of a Cuban Exodus
The Backward Life
Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith Through the Streets of America
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True
Monday, April 09, 2007
lo siento
Just so you know, this will not be a cheery post so you read further at your own expense; I am in a terrible mood and have to quickly dissipate this somewhere harmless before it dissipates in someone's face...ahem. okay. i will probably just delete this later anyway because I feel bad when people hear me complain.
I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.
Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.
Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.
Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.
I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.
Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.
Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.
Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Christos anesti! Cristo ha resucitado! El Messieh kahm! Khrishti unjal! Le Christ est ressuscite! Christus ist erstanden! Cristo e' risorto! Ha Masheeha houh kam! Christus is opgestaan! Hristos diril-di! Ukristu uvukile! Jesu Kristi ebiliwo! Kristus telah bangkit! Cristos vaskres!
He is risen indeed!
He is risen indeed!
Monday, April 02, 2007
tick tick goes the brain
I never really thought of myself as a skittish person, but apparently....yes. Just ask roommatechelle: she startles me at least once a week simply by walking into the room. Or, for another example, there's the other day when we were on a walk, and I jumped/exclaimed because I thought a cat was coming at me...but it was my shadow. my shadow...i'd say that's the epitome of skittishness. I'm a walking cliché. Literally.
I don't really know why I felt like sharing that, except that I hope you laughed. I'm pretty sure, that's one of the main reasons for my being here on earth. (Melinda lives her normal life = people laugh...at least that's what seems to happens most days...)
Unrelatedly;
I've been thinking about self-destructive behavior lately. There are so many forms of it--You're on a quest for physical perfection. You drink too much. You dwell on [whatever] far more than is necessary. You don't take your medication. You seclude yourself. You're financially reckless. You refuse to ask for help...and on and on.
Funny thing, though, about "self-destructive" behavior: its negative effects may not be, probably are not, limited to yourself.
I think life is very much based on choices. Yes, we get dealt awkward, inconvenient, poor hands, but I think the vast majority of the time, we have choices to make within those situations, decisions that can be made toward the better, or toward or the worse. Maybe we can't fix everything...but surely we can at least minimize the pain/trouble we cause ourselves and others?
It's common sense. Or is it? So many of our actions would seem to indicate otherwise (mine included; this is far from a lecture).
Just a [possibly random/abstruse] thought.
I don't really know why I felt like sharing that, except that I hope you laughed. I'm pretty sure, that's one of the main reasons for my being here on earth. (Melinda lives her normal life = people laugh...at least that's what seems to happens most days...)
Unrelatedly;
I've been thinking about self-destructive behavior lately. There are so many forms of it--You're on a quest for physical perfection. You drink too much. You dwell on [whatever] far more than is necessary. You don't take your medication. You seclude yourself. You're financially reckless. You refuse to ask for help...and on and on.
Funny thing, though, about "self-destructive" behavior: its negative effects may not be, probably are not, limited to yourself.
I think life is very much based on choices. Yes, we get dealt awkward, inconvenient, poor hands, but I think the vast majority of the time, we have choices to make within those situations, decisions that can be made toward the better, or toward or the worse. Maybe we can't fix everything...but surely we can at least minimize the pain/trouble we cause ourselves and others?
It's common sense. Or is it? So many of our actions would seem to indicate otherwise (mine included; this is far from a lecture).
Just a [possibly random/abstruse] thought.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
really no cigar?
Alright, so my efforts thus far have proved unsuccessful in getting anyone to go with me to see Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin this Monday. I don't know why I'm putting it on here, except maybe it will miraculously serve as another means of convincing someone he or she needs to go to this? I have gone to shows by myself...it's not as fun...but I will probably do it if I have to...do you feel guilty yet? Don't -- you should feel excited, because they make pretty music. (You like music from Scrubs? Garden State? The Last Kiss? eh? you'll like this)
Go see her
and him
here
at 8:00 pm.
for $10.
But tell me first.
Go see her
and him
here
at 8:00 pm.
for $10.
But tell me first.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Confessions # ? + heartaches
first: I once wrote about God's grace being redemptive not only in our souls, but also our memories, instincts and personality. To say I'm grateful for this does not do it justice.
Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.
There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.
Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?
I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.
I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.
Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.
There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.
Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?
I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.
I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
just like sheryl says
I know I'll never reach a point in my life where personal change will be unnecessary, but I go through times in which I am particularly and painfully aware of changes that need to take place in my heart. in my personality. in my habits. in every facet of my being, really.
The biggest one I can think of (perhaps because it is by far the longest-running?) is being absolutely adamant with myself that I spend some time exclusively with God, reading His book ("Life-Instruction-Manual-So-Why-Don't-We-Read-It" as we call it over here at 2B). Every day. Intentional time spent meditating on it, not just incidental--not just when I'm driving, or when it occurs to me, or when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep. I feel the need for this committment to communion all the time, and yet it's rare that I consistently feed this need.
Similarly, my prayer life sucks. Over the years, I have somewhat subconsciously fallen into the thinking (and this is a simplified explanation) that I don't need to pray about anything, really, as God is going to do whatever he wants/needs to do anyway. This is not true! If I have learned ANYthing from my roommate, it's the importance and effectiveness of prayer. Especially concerning guidance in my own life. Praying for other people's needs has always come a lot more easily than praying for my own (this is not out of selflessness, but out of the fact that it's just easier for me to think/worry about other people than about myself).
I need to be warmer. I used to be an all-around friendly person, but over the last two years or so, I've been saving that for friends, and have begun to give strangers the shaft. Maintaining my emotional reserve, plus staying focused on the task at hand...well, that's crap. It's un-Christlike. That's all that needs to be said.
I need to be more responsible with my time. Time wasted affects my availability to be there for and serve other people. Enough said there.
I need to be more responsible with my body. Maybe I think skipping exercise for two months and eating all junk for two weeks straight is fine now, but it won't be one day, and maybe I won't have time to break my bad habits then?.. Maybe it sounds pretty material, but I think it's important. Body = temple = not ours.
I need to remember that the people in my life won't be around forever...I am very privileged to have all four grandparents alive and now all living in the Triangle, but I rarely take time to hang out with them. Especially my grandfather who's in an Alzheimer's home, because his case is quite advanced and it makes me "uncomfortable." Well, it's called "get over yourself, Melinda." That's so hard, though...
Funny how I love the "idea" of change--I hate for things to be static. I love for new things to happen in my life, for things to get shaken up, even when it's unexpected. But when it's a change I'm supposed to actively affect? That's a whole different ballgame, sir. *Sigh.* That takes work.
The biggest one I can think of (perhaps because it is by far the longest-running?) is being absolutely adamant with myself that I spend some time exclusively with God, reading His book ("Life-Instruction-Manual-So-Why-Don't-We-Read-It" as we call it over here at 2B). Every day. Intentional time spent meditating on it, not just incidental--not just when I'm driving, or when it occurs to me, or when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep. I feel the need for this committment to communion all the time, and yet it's rare that I consistently feed this need.
Similarly, my prayer life sucks. Over the years, I have somewhat subconsciously fallen into the thinking (and this is a simplified explanation) that I don't need to pray about anything, really, as God is going to do whatever he wants/needs to do anyway. This is not true! If I have learned ANYthing from my roommate, it's the importance and effectiveness of prayer. Especially concerning guidance in my own life. Praying for other people's needs has always come a lot more easily than praying for my own (this is not out of selflessness, but out of the fact that it's just easier for me to think/worry about other people than about myself).
I need to be warmer. I used to be an all-around friendly person, but over the last two years or so, I've been saving that for friends, and have begun to give strangers the shaft. Maintaining my emotional reserve, plus staying focused on the task at hand...well, that's crap. It's un-Christlike. That's all that needs to be said.
I need to be more responsible with my time. Time wasted affects my availability to be there for and serve other people. Enough said there.
I need to be more responsible with my body. Maybe I think skipping exercise for two months and eating all junk for two weeks straight is fine now, but it won't be one day, and maybe I won't have time to break my bad habits then?.. Maybe it sounds pretty material, but I think it's important. Body = temple = not ours.
I need to remember that the people in my life won't be around forever...I am very privileged to have all four grandparents alive and now all living in the Triangle, but I rarely take time to hang out with them. Especially my grandfather who's in an Alzheimer's home, because his case is quite advanced and it makes me "uncomfortable." Well, it's called "get over yourself, Melinda." That's so hard, though...
Funny how I love the "idea" of change--I hate for things to be static. I love for new things to happen in my life, for things to get shaken up, even when it's unexpected. But when it's a change I'm supposed to actively affect? That's a whole different ballgame, sir. *Sigh.* That takes work.
Monday, March 19, 2007
blahdeeblahblahblah
I am so very glad that coolhandluke is back together and making new music. they never fail to move me... and for some reason, their music seems to consistently have more depth than just about anything else I ever listen to.
my cough/lack of voice has me banished from my office, so it looks like i've got another day ahead of catching up on life, which is exciting. Thank goodness. Maybe i'll actually, finally finish updating my resume.
I played the Robert Frost piece tonight @ my friend's senior composition showcase...i'm so proud of her. i adore that piece. i miss playing classical music. i miss playing in a band. i miss music so much. i'm trying to be ok with thinking that God has let the musica temporarily evaporate so that i can concentrate on looking for a job.
speaking of haciendome falta, i miss painting too. and photography. and playing outside! shoot! I really must find a way to quit working and just do whatever I want all the time.
I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least for a while, to not want to run away from the Triangle. I feel very pulled to stay here (and by "stay," I mean move back to Raleigh), but the idea of fresh starts in new places is enticing. but no, i don't think that's for me. yet.
I'm remembering now how I can't write everything I really want on here. Does it sound sad to admit that I really wish I had someone to whom I could easily tell everything, absolutely everything, knowing that that person wanted to hear every word and never wished I would go away? Ha. I'm not sure that's possible, as I am always wanting to say some ridiculous thing or another. It's kind of funny that my friends have learned when to ignore the nonsense that comes out of my mouth; saves some embarrassment.
A girl can dream, though.
I would also like to say, the proliferation of Scrubs reruns on cable (plus NEW episodes) matched against the total lack of new Office material is putting Scranton in the hotseat. what gives?
my cough/lack of voice has me banished from my office, so it looks like i've got another day ahead of catching up on life, which is exciting. Thank goodness. Maybe i'll actually, finally finish updating my resume.
I played the Robert Frost piece tonight @ my friend's senior composition showcase...i'm so proud of her. i adore that piece. i miss playing classical music. i miss playing in a band. i miss music so much. i'm trying to be ok with thinking that God has let the musica temporarily evaporate so that i can concentrate on looking for a job.
speaking of haciendome falta, i miss painting too. and photography. and playing outside! shoot! I really must find a way to quit working and just do whatever I want all the time.
I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least for a while, to not want to run away from the Triangle. I feel very pulled to stay here (and by "stay," I mean move back to Raleigh), but the idea of fresh starts in new places is enticing. but no, i don't think that's for me. yet.
I'm remembering now how I can't write everything I really want on here. Does it sound sad to admit that I really wish I had someone to whom I could easily tell everything, absolutely everything, knowing that that person wanted to hear every word and never wished I would go away? Ha. I'm not sure that's possible, as I am always wanting to say some ridiculous thing or another. It's kind of funny that my friends have learned when to ignore the nonsense that comes out of my mouth; saves some embarrassment.
A girl can dream, though.
I would also like to say, the proliferation of Scrubs reruns on cable (plus NEW episodes) matched against the total lack of new Office material is putting Scranton in the hotseat. what gives?
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