Lo Perdido

So I've been exploring and experiencing the concept of loss for a while, both theoretically and practically. One thing I've learned is it's all about perspective - for example, I felt the truly panicky impact of impending financial loss when I impacted the side of my brother's truck into the drive-thru menu at Burger King this weekend. But as I suddenly remember that my cousin would have turned 25 today were it not for the drunk driver who caused her life to end four and a half months ago, I am recalled to a much more profound sense of loss. And even that is more far-reaching than I can imagine, from her fiancee who is trying to pull his life back together to the drunk driver's young child whose mother sits in jail awaiting trial.

Not that I think I should always consider the fact that "it could be worse" -- "it will get better" is a much more rosy approach -- but I'll admit, that's often one way of how I get through things.

Loss is a part of life -- it just happens. How do we deal with it? The answer to that is, naturally, incredibly telling of the person we are at our very core.

And the ruminations will continue next time...

me pregunto...

So I wonder how a person goes about getting a little numb, mainly as it seems that's what I've gone and done. Not totally numb, mind you, but just enough to notice. Just enough to notice that there's nothing really driving me right now except the fact that I have a new job and am soon to have a new place in a (sort-of) new city. And God knows I never wanted anything like that to be "what drives me." And I know I won't stay in that place...but still, it makes me wonder what it's gonna take to leave it.

a word is dead?...

So, back in the days when I felt compelled to spill my guts onto the internet, I longed for the day when I would be too busy with life to be bothered with it.


Now that day has come, I'm not so sure how I feel about it.


I haven't written a blog post, a poem, an article, nothing - in SOO long..
I haven't done any non-wedding-related music in even longer...
I haven't painted anything in about half as long.


I don't know how much more I can bear a schedule that stifles the creative urges....Either something's gotta change, or I'm going to have to resort to caffeine pills and not sleeping. Simple as that.

i'm done, apparently

I just forgot how old I was. Literally -- I just had a moment when knowledge of my age was necessary, and I experienced a few seconds of "twenty-two or twenty-three? twenty-two or twenty-three?"

I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many, many more years to come.

ON SINGLENESS yeah that's right.

[sparked by that question every woman loves to hear from her mother, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Gotta love it.]

In college, dating was by no means something I was disinterested in, but neither was it much of a priority (if you knew me then, I know you're just shocked). I always wondered why I didn't get all crazy and weepy about my lack of a love life, because it seemed like most girls who likewise didn't have one were at least pining for one, but I didn't exactly feel that way. Which was fine with me.

Come graduation, though, that story sure did change - suddenly my friends were getting married, and I wanted to, too! For the first time in my life, I was *not* okay with being alone. I wanted somebody to "share my experiences with" (okay, so part of my motive was honestly just to have someone to cushion the impending blow of the Real World)...plus "everyone" I knew was getting married, and it was contagious. I like weddings...but eventually, after five or six in a year....you start...to..get a little....antsy..

Now a year out, I'm tumbling around somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I'd love to be married four or five years from now, which means dating someone important...like..soon, but I'll admit, I really like being single right now...maybe too much. I don't know. Between work and, well, more work, I feel like I barely have enough time for myself as it is, and the idea of fitting someone else into my life-space doesn't even seem conceivable. And lets face it, boys make girls crazy and I like my crazy at the manageable level it's currently at, thank you. Plus, if ever there was a committment-phobe, I Am She. As in, I have a hard time committing to even just being nice to a guy, much less anything more....stop laughing and nodding, Michelle. Plus...I know everyone has neuroses, but I'm particularly afraid of mine, and am still trying to find a balance between working them out and understanding that I never completely will.

That said, I know about God's timing and all that (so now you can forget that comment you were going to leave), and it just happens that I've never once thought of myself as being one of the rare "called to lifelong singleness" ones - I pretty much know I'm going to be married. It's just a matter of when. 27, 30 or 37? My mid-fifties, never-married aunt looks to be nearing Marriage Land, which is so great! But I really don't want to wait that long.

When my mom popped the question, I gave her a flippantly exhasperated "I don't know, Mom," then backed up with my standard, "because my church and neighborhood consist of college students, at work there are only women and gay men, and basically all my guy friends are married or almost so." Which, of course, paints a picture of it having nothing to do with me or my own choices...which is not the real case. I've played a big role in my current status, for better or for worse.

Funny, I don't really know how to end this. Which is appropriate, I guess.

I recommend to YOU:

I highly encourage anyone and everyone to read this book. I'm not even going to try to explain why or what my motives are, but rather will simply say: just go read it! I'd like to think it will change your life...even if only a little.

I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this though, but if you do, AND if you happen to be wondering why I never post real posts anymore, it's because I'm currently scrambling to simultaneously finish out my apprenticeship and find a new [read: real] job. I've temporarily had to forfeit (seems like) just about everything else going on in my life, which is a bummer. But I think exciting new turns are just around the corner; definitely not a bummer! If things work out how I'd like, this summer will find me back living full-time in Raleigh for the first time in five years...I'm muy emocionada :)

[= excited...but I do get emotional about it all too; what can you do, I'm a girlllll.]

:)

Oh and also, I must add a totally unrelated random bit, or else this wouldn't be a true Melinda post: apparently they've been together for a while, but I just today saw on la tele that John & Jessica are a couple. Now, either Jessica Simpson has for years successfully executed one of the most brilliant image acts of all time for commercial gain, or John Mayer is less of a man than I thought he was.

actually, I think the latter must hold true either way...boo, john. And I kind of liked some of your music, too...now it is a tainted like.

Beatboxing Flute and Cello @ Union Square

justine and I have some work to do if we're going to catch up.

ohhh, but CATCH UP WE WILL. watch out, new york. or maybe, buies creek.

Speed Painting by Nexx -

one of my favorite artists, and...another one of my favorite artists.

timing

People talk a lot about God's timing. Sometimes I wonder if we attribute too much to it -- confusion, disappointment, lacking, [insert another negatively connotated noun here]. Maybe some things just happen (obviously, not outside the realm of God's knowledge and control, but I'm just saying it's possible we look too much into things sometimes?...) Maybe we also ought to be attributing good things to God's timing. And by good, I don't mean actually negative stuff that we mask as good in the God-light just so we feel better.

But that's probably one of those heart-changes that requires God's help. Which we probably have to remember to ask for.

Anyway, at the risk of sounding like I'm doing said masking, this was all prompted by my recent thoughts of what my life is doing. Eh, that sounded passive, didn't it--okay, what I'm doing with my life. Up until early this year I've had my fingers into all kinds of various and random activities that made my life more complicated, more full and more fun. Now, I feel like I'm in a season of evaporation. My desire to write, whether articles, in my journal or on my blog, has trickled to a near-nothing [edit: after further thought, I realized that's not true...the mental scribblings are still scrawling about just as much as ever; it's just that these days I feel so distractingly guilty if I ever indulge them into life that I can hardly focus once I begin]; all my musical projects have essentially faded into nonexistence; my friends are harder to get ahold of and hang out with; even my involvement with the church has declined, more via circumstances there than by my own explicit choice.

I don't mean to lump all of those things together and label them as "good" or "bad"; from where I stand, until I understand more, they simply "are." And all of it comes at a time when working on what happens to me in the next few months is very important. Essentially, where will I be working and where will I live? (What will I do; where will I go? to be more esoteric...) Nearly everything else in life seems to have taken a backseat, whether by my own choice or not (mainly not). So, I am curious, and I am embracing this season.

One thing I am doing more...reading. It is nice. It occurs to me that everything I've been doing has been output, and this one source of input has been neglected for quite a while. It is nice.

Currently reading:
Finding Manana: Memoirs of a Cuban Exodus
The Backward Life
Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith Through the Streets of America
Between the Dreaming and the Coming True

lo siento

Just so you know, this will not be a cheery post so you read further at your own expense; I am in a terrible mood and have to quickly dissipate this somewhere harmless before it dissipates in someone's face...ahem. okay. i will probably just delete this later anyway because I feel bad when people hear me complain.

I watched Crash last night with friends, and I can't get over/understand why that movie upset me so much. It made me very angry; I went to bed angry; hours later, I even woke up angry. I'm still trying to figure out what that's all about. The best I can come up with at the moment is that the movie paints a pretty realistic picture of racism in America, i.e. it's everywhere and in everyone, even latently in those who have the best of intentions.

Racism has for years been a source of anger for me, though in the limited scope of racism toward Latinos. This past year, friends have opened my eyes to racism toward African Americans, and consequently my scope has been broadening toward the subject in general. Racism, prejudice, whatever--I really don't care about the semantics. It all sucks. It's so much the opposite of Christ and what he has called us to do and be, that I can't help but be frustrated. It makes me angry when I recognize the disparities of behavior in my own person, and in the people I love...I'm no blatant racist, clearly, and neither are any of my good friends -- but I think it's inescapable that race affects our lives and our behavior in ways I'd rather not dwell on. I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not trying to be some hyper-sensitive white person because of the whole white guilt thing; I don't feel guilty for anything beyond my own actions. I just don't know what to do when people I know make comments that would unquestionably make other people I know very uncomfortable. It happens almost every day. And I don't know where you draw the line!... It's so complicated, because it's so ingrained in our culture and society that we don't even notice it...and we definitely don't talk about it. Not much.


Okay, and of course there's the other stand-by, the fact that I hate my job, resent it sometimes even, and pretty much dread ever coming in...except, those aren't actually the most adequate ways to describe it. Yes, I've come to resent having to work 2-3 nights a week/several weekends a month in addition to my regular workday, but that's a technicality. The main problem is how this job sucks the heart out of me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being surrounded by hopelessness, false gospels and feel-good spirituality; I'm tired of wondering every day if I did right by God or if I actually denied the faith; I'm tired of trying to avoid my boss because she embodies so many of the things that rub me the wrong way; I'm tired of feeling isolated, and attacked; I'm tired of feeling the need to have a smile constantly plastered on my face; I'm so tired of wondering how I've helped anybody here at all. I know that I have certainly grown through my experiences here, and I am eternally grateful for that, but I usually feel like I'm worthless to most of the people here. I can't be angry at God because he made it pretty clear to me that "this is where I'm supposed to be," as they say, but somehow, that doesn't always turn out to be the balm I'd hoped for. I'm tired of feeling like I can't win because all I want to do is to be done with this whole thing and rest, and that makes me feel selfish.

Okay. Hopefully I won't go off on anyone now. If you happen to want to say a little prayer for me, I would love it. Sorry to be such a downer today.

Christos anesti! Cristo ha resucitado! El Messieh kahm! Khrishti unjal! Le Christ est ressuscite! Christus ist erstanden! Cristo e' risorto! Ha Masheeha houh kam! Christus is opgestaan! Hristos diril-di! Ukristu uvukile! Jesu Kristi ebiliwo! Kristus telah bangkit! Cristos vaskres!


He is risen indeed!

tick tick goes the brain

I never really thought of myself as a skittish person, but apparently....yes. Just ask roommatechelle: she startles me at least once a week simply by walking into the room. Or, for another example, there's the other day when we were on a walk, and I jumped/exclaimed because I thought a cat was coming at me...but it was my shadow. my shadow...i'd say that's the epitome of skittishness. I'm a walking cliché. Literally.

I don't really know why I felt like sharing that, except that I hope you laughed. I'm pretty sure, that's one of the main reasons for my being here on earth. (Melinda lives her normal life = people laugh...at least that's what seems to happens most days...)

Unrelatedly;

I've been thinking about self-destructive behavior lately. There are so many forms of it--You're on a quest for physical perfection. You drink too much. You dwell on [whatever] far more than is necessary. You don't take your medication. You seclude yourself. You're financially reckless. You refuse to ask for help...and on and on.

Funny thing, though, about "self-destructive" behavior: its negative effects may not be, probably are not, limited to yourself.

I think life is very much based on choices. Yes, we get dealt awkward, inconvenient, poor hands, but I think the vast majority of the time, we have choices to make within those situations, decisions that can be made toward the better, or toward or the worse. Maybe we can't fix everything...but surely we can at least minimize the pain/trouble we cause ourselves and others?

It's common sense. Or is it? So many of our actions would seem to indicate otherwise (mine included; this is far from a lecture).

Just a [possibly random/abstruse] thought.

really no cigar?

Alright, so my efforts thus far have proved unsuccessful in getting anyone to go with me to see Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin this Monday. I don't know why I'm putting it on here, except maybe it will miraculously serve as another means of convincing someone he or she needs to go to this? I have gone to shows by myself...it's not as fun...but I will probably do it if I have to...do you feel guilty yet? Don't -- you should feel excited, because they make pretty music. (You like music from Scrubs? Garden State? The Last Kiss? eh? you'll like this)

Go see her
and him
here
at 8:00 pm.
for $10.

But tell me first.

Confessions # ? + heartaches

first: I once wrote about God's grace being redemptive not only in our souls, but also our memories, instincts and personality. To say I'm grateful for this does not do it justice.

Pride has been something with which I've struggled, in one form or another, for many years. Perhaps not in such blatant ways as are easily observed, but it creeps out of my mouth frequently (usually in the form of my casually dropping evidence of my sharp intellect and vast knowledge/skill/talent/compassion/etc. (good grief), and I notice it. And continue to do it. It's silly, juvenile and self-serving...basically a more sublte version of fishing for compliments. Which they say is tied to insecurity, interestingly enough. I don't tend to think of myself as insecure in most respects, but maybe there's something to that worth looking into.

There was a season in my life in which people used to call me out/challenge me on [fill-in-the-blank], and I'm realizing that has declined. I miss that. Maybe God thinks I'm hard enough on myself right now and can't handle outside criticism, but somehow I doubt that's the case.

Second: During some wandering-mouse-hand internet scoping today, I ended up reading the bitterly aggressive thoughts of someone who happens to strongly opposes the basic tenets of Christianity, and it brought tears to my eyes, because...well, because people without the Holy Spirit don't get it; they can't. I know that sounds Christianese, which I usually avoid, but there's no avoiding this. I really do believe the Spirit of God dwells in us (howevever you may wish to qualify what that means...I'm pretty sure it will always be a mystery to me) whom God has redeemed, and that some people will try to reason it away as adamantly as they can. I'm rambling here...but what I really mean to say is that some people, because of their conditioning (social, familial, whatever), are probably going to be more predisposed to accepting the concept of Christ and salvation, even though they can't possibly "get" what it all means; while some people are going to fight and fight, scales on their eyes, until...until what? Until God decides to miraculously step in and change their names to Paul?

I know everyone needs Christ, needs the Lord, regardless of where they come from...but for some reason, people like the writer mentioned above really wring my heart. I work with so many of them. They are not ambivalent; they are opposed. I hear their distaste for and rejection of Christ in their voices, and it breaks my heart over and over again.

I know I keep writing about this...I can't help it. I think it's something with which I'll be wrestling for a long time.

just like sheryl says

I know I'll never reach a point in my life where personal change will be unnecessary, but I go through times in which I am particularly and painfully aware of changes that need to take place in my heart. in my personality. in my habits. in every facet of my being, really.

The biggest one I can think of (perhaps because it is by far the longest-running?) is being absolutely adamant with myself that I spend some time exclusively with God, reading His book ("Life-Instruction-Manual-So-Why-Don't-We-Read-It" as we call it over here at 2B). Every day. Intentional time spent meditating on it, not just incidental--not just when I'm driving, or when it occurs to me, or when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep. I feel the need for this committment to communion all the time, and yet it's rare that I consistently feed this need.

Similarly, my prayer life sucks. Over the years, I have somewhat subconsciously fallen into the thinking (and this is a simplified explanation) that I don't need to pray about anything, really, as God is going to do whatever he wants/needs to do anyway. This is not true! If I have learned ANYthing from my roommate, it's the importance and effectiveness of prayer. Especially concerning guidance in my own life. Praying for other people's needs has always come a lot more easily than praying for my own (this is not out of selflessness, but out of the fact that it's just easier for me to think/worry about other people than about myself).

I need to be warmer. I used to be an all-around friendly person, but over the last two years or so, I've been saving that for friends, and have begun to give strangers the shaft. Maintaining my emotional reserve, plus staying focused on the task at hand...well, that's crap. It's un-Christlike. That's all that needs to be said.

I need to be more responsible with my time. Time wasted affects my availability to be there for and serve other people. Enough said there.

I need to be more responsible with my body. Maybe I think skipping exercise for two months and eating all junk for two weeks straight is fine now, but it won't be one day, and maybe I won't have time to break my bad habits then?.. Maybe it sounds pretty material, but I think it's important. Body = temple = not ours.

I need to remember that the people in my life won't be around forever...I am very privileged to have all four grandparents alive and now all living in the Triangle, but I rarely take time to hang out with them. Especially my grandfather who's in an Alzheimer's home, because his case is quite advanced and it makes me "uncomfortable." Well, it's called "get over yourself, Melinda." That's so hard, though...



Funny how I love the "idea" of change--I hate for things to be static. I love for new things to happen in my life, for things to get shaken up, even when it's unexpected. But when it's a change I'm supposed to actively affect? That's a whole different ballgame, sir. *Sigh.* That takes work.

blahdeeblahblahblah

I am so very glad that coolhandluke is back together and making new music. they never fail to move me... and for some reason, their music seems to consistently have more depth than just about anything else I ever listen to.

my cough/lack of voice has me banished from my office, so it looks like i've got another day ahead of catching up on life, which is exciting. Thank goodness. Maybe i'll actually, finally finish updating my resume.

I played the Robert Frost piece tonight @ my friend's senior composition showcase...i'm so proud of her. i adore that piece. i miss playing classical music. i miss playing in a band. i miss music so much. i'm trying to be ok with thinking that God has let the musica temporarily evaporate so that i can concentrate on looking for a job.

speaking of haciendome falta, i miss painting too. and photography. and playing outside! shoot! I really must find a way to quit working and just do whatever I want all the time.

I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least for a while, to not want to run away from the Triangle. I feel very pulled to stay here (and by "stay," I mean move back to Raleigh), but the idea of fresh starts in new places is enticing. but no, i don't think that's for me. yet.

I'm remembering now how I can't write everything I really want on here. Does it sound sad to admit that I really wish I had someone to whom I could easily tell everything, absolutely everything, knowing that that person wanted to hear every word and never wished I would go away? Ha. I'm not sure that's possible, as I am always wanting to say some ridiculous thing or another. It's kind of funny that my friends have learned when to ignore the nonsense that comes out of my mouth; saves some embarrassment.

A girl can dream, though.

I would also like to say, the proliferation of Scrubs reruns on cable (plus NEW episodes) matched against the total lack of new Office material is putting Scranton in the hotseat. what gives?

always back here.

this is where I am
this is never finishing a poem these days
this is never getting out what I want to say
this is thinking that it's all crap, all the unfinished words
and the crazy-talk thoughts that bear them
this is the swirling of weighty thoughts that craze me down
this is needing to get a life, get cleaned up,
this is needing to quit living for myself
so I can help somebody else
this is sick of I don't know what's going on
this is where the hell in heaven's name are you taking me?
this is clinging to your grace
this is clinging to your feet with my face pressed to the ground
this is always coming back to this
this is where I am

Green Eyes

I am awfully jealous of those who belong to the vagabond lifestlye, and get to visit out-of-state friends on a whim, or stay out late at night downtown, or go to music festivals like Bonnaroo and SXSW...

Sure, they also might still be in school or have no health insurance or what have you, but shoo'. I'm honestly happy to have exchanged flexibility for getting rid of that nasty black cloud called Schoolwork and getting a lovely thing called A Steady Income, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the ol' days of freedom like whoa...

d'oh

I wish i could say things in much fewer words than I tend to

i wish i could focus on my music and art and my job search and my relationships all at once and with equal weight rather than each piece of my life taking its turn in the rotation to the front burner

sometimes i wish my interests and talents had less breadth and more depth. jack of all trades and master of none, I feel sometimes, but maybe there's a reason for that?

on the upside, i am exercising more.

of fly traps and foolish teachers...et cetera.

I saw a car get pulled on my way home tonight, and the first thing I thought of was, "I'm witnessing a venus fly trap suck in its prey." No joke, that's the image I instantly saw. I'm all for police protection and such, but still, the sight of a police car on the road makes my insides shudder.

Just like reading David's psalms and such makes me feel better about feeling bipolar sometimes, something I read in one of Paul's Corinthian letters the other day made me feel better about how often I feel foolish for saying some of the things I do, but still feel compelled to say them. Ah ok yes 2 Cor. 11 -- "don't think that i have lost my wits to talk like this...i'm talking like a fool again...i know i sound like a madman, but..." I know that presented like this, it's a bit out of context, but reading it was so interesting to me...i've somehow never noticed this nuance before and I really appreciate it. It makes me "feel better," yes, but it also seems to cut down any excuse i have for being down on myself for those kinds of things--they obviously didn't let it hinder them.

Out of the blue today the younger sister of my childhood best friend, who died from an asthma attack a year or so after I moved here from CA, Myspaced me. She had been looking through old yearbooks, she said. I read some of her blog posts and it seems the loss of her sister is still something to which she's very far from being reconciled. it made my heart hurt a lot for her...i haven't responded yet. i think i'll be mulling over this one a bit longer.

Roommatechelle and i have often ruminated over the value of writing things down that we learn (in journaling, blogging, or whatever) because we are bound to forget it and need to be able to read back over it. This is true. I have now also found another edifying element of writing, specifically in the making of it public (not blogging, where maybe 5 people may read it, but publishing, where potentially many people see it): having lessons-learned scribblings put up by another as "words of wisdom" has an almost frightening element of accountability to it. One hopes that one could practice what one preaches -- but it's still kind of scary, in a good way, to think about. If that made any sense at all.