Hmmm…I now see what it is like to have a “real” life and to not actually have time (nor inclination, often) to blog! Yes.
Maybe I’m in good moods most of the time, and that’s why my bad moods are so dreadful and make me feel like my life has hit rock bottom. Because once in a while, in the midst of a bad mood, I actually remember that my life has not. Which is kind of an annoying thing to remember, when you are stewing or want to cry (or are crying).
This post was brought to you by Melinda’s personal Listen For the Echoes bank account.
Ps, Raleigh people…I am sorry I have been MIA for like two months. Hope we hang soon. We just can’t go anywhere fun unless it’s your house, fyi. :)
Friday, June 30, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
I think,...
that my skepticism towards all things Christian-labeled beyond myself and the people whose hearts I know is, realistically, something I seriously need to get over. I don't know what experiences could have scarred me for me to be so pessimistic, but something must have happened that I don't remember, because it's like I have to fight this urge to distrust everyone. I anticipate trite phrases and fake smiles and hypocrisy. I expect cliches and shallowness. I really hate that.
I visited a new church tonight, and the fact that I didn't leave feeling dumber or dirtier or (unjustifiably) holier and more enlightened compared to what I was around, has to be a good sign. We shall see where this goes.
I still want to shed my pessimism, though (and accept what "is" with the Body and move on). When compounded with my introverted nature, it most certainly is not conducive to the fellowship I am craving.
I visited a new church tonight, and the fact that I didn't leave feeling dumber or dirtier or (unjustifiably) holier and more enlightened compared to what I was around, has to be a good sign. We shall see where this goes.
I still want to shed my pessimism, though (and accept what "is" with the Body and move on). When compounded with my introverted nature, it most certainly is not conducive to the fellowship I am craving.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
yo quiero escribir
So, my Dad googled my name the other day to see what came up, and he saw my article on Relevantmagazine.com, and also saw a bunch of other links to it…I was curious and found a number of blogs linked to it, as well as the “Emergency Ministries” (whatever that may be) website…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a slightly-better-than-average scribe...I really couldn't tell how good that piece was, so the response I received was definitely appreciated. That, plus all the comments, emails, and facebook messages I got in response to it, further enforces the compulsion I’ve felt for a long time: I WANT TO WRITE.
I want to write [more]. I swear one day I really am going to work up to that book I keep talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a slightly-better-than-average scribe...I really couldn't tell how good that piece was, so the response I received was definitely appreciated. That, plus all the comments, emails, and facebook messages I got in response to it, further enforces the compulsion I’ve felt for a long time: I WANT TO WRITE.
I want to write [more]. I swear one day I really am going to work up to that book I keep talking about.
Monday, April 17, 2006
I am Native American.
No, really, I am. Ignore the blonde hair, blue eyes and freckles--technically, as I am 1/16 Cherokee, I just barely meet the "blood quantum" required for enrollment with the Cherokee tribe.
And theoretically speaking, if my life were very different than it is and my brother and I had at one point ended up as candidates for adoption, we could have found ourselves being forced to live on a reservation with people we’d never met, regardless of the wishes of my immediate, non-Native-American family members. (see article)
Anyone who knows me also knows that the last thing I am is racist, so obviously I would have nothing against N.A. tribes wishing to preserve their customs, heritage, etc. But, as highly as I value each race's heritage and uniqueness, there is something that I value infinitely higher: humanity. Just simple, freakin' humanity. There is nothing humane about placing children in a home where they are exposed to physical harm just because of an outdated, nearly 30-year-old law that has been expanded well beyond its original context and intent.
I've known for several years that I will eventually want to adopt at least one child. For the past year or so, in spite of the trend to adopt children from 3rd world countries, I've really think I will adopt from the States. Sometimes I don't think people realize that just because a child is in the United States doesn't necessarily mean he or she is living any better than a child in Developing Country X. (again, just read the article)
Everyone's heard the stories about American parents who had to go to insane measures, time, expense, etc. to be able to bring their child home from China.
What doesn't make sense to me is how screwed-up the adoption system is just in America itself. Why do social services/adoption agencies have such bad reps when it comes to facilitating good adoptions? Why do we hear so many stories of healthy families put through hell just because of the occasional "know-it-all" SS rep who thinks he/she knows what's best for the children they barely even know? I know it probably boils down to selfish people who have their "rights," plus impersonal governmental standards and laws that are full of unrealistic, bureaucratic red tape.
It really gets under my skin, if you didn't notice.
And theoretically speaking, if my life were very different than it is and my brother and I had at one point ended up as candidates for adoption, we could have found ourselves being forced to live on a reservation with people we’d never met, regardless of the wishes of my immediate, non-Native-American family members. (see article)
Anyone who knows me also knows that the last thing I am is racist, so obviously I would have nothing against N.A. tribes wishing to preserve their customs, heritage, etc. But, as highly as I value each race's heritage and uniqueness, there is something that I value infinitely higher: humanity. Just simple, freakin' humanity. There is nothing humane about placing children in a home where they are exposed to physical harm just because of an outdated, nearly 30-year-old law that has been expanded well beyond its original context and intent.
I've known for several years that I will eventually want to adopt at least one child. For the past year or so, in spite of the trend to adopt children from 3rd world countries, I've really think I will adopt from the States. Sometimes I don't think people realize that just because a child is in the United States doesn't necessarily mean he or she is living any better than a child in Developing Country X. (again, just read the article)
Everyone's heard the stories about American parents who had to go to insane measures, time, expense, etc. to be able to bring their child home from China.
What doesn't make sense to me is how screwed-up the adoption system is just in America itself. Why do social services/adoption agencies have such bad reps when it comes to facilitating good adoptions? Why do we hear so many stories of healthy families put through hell just because of the occasional "know-it-all" SS rep who thinks he/she knows what's best for the children they barely even know? I know it probably boils down to selfish people who have their "rights," plus impersonal governmental standards and laws that are full of unrealistic, bureaucratic red tape.
It really gets under my skin, if you didn't notice.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us,
“…so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures, we might have hope.” Romans 15:4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought I buried you deep
I buried you in my skin
And when the night’s at its darkest
You come back to me again
I thought I’d leave you behind
I turned and I ran away
But in the silence between my steps
Your footsteps follow me
You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go
I tried to gather the shards
That you’d left scattered all over me
They’d broken off underneath the surface
You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go
But ghosts I see right through
And I can see through you
So all you’ll ever do
Is be a shade I see tomorrow through
You haunt me
You come back to make me feel alone
But you’re only what breaks me
So that someday I’ll be whole
You come back to haunt me
~Justin McRoberts
* * *
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:2-3
"…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light. Job 33:28
"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.” Jeremiah 33:6-7
[We pray that you will be] strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:11-12
You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear." O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:57-58
"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?...” Isaiah 51:12-13
[if you actually got this far,] feel free to add more…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought I buried you deep
I buried you in my skin
And when the night’s at its darkest
You come back to me again
I thought I’d leave you behind
I turned and I ran away
But in the silence between my steps
Your footsteps follow me
You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go
I tried to gather the shards
That you’d left scattered all over me
They’d broken off underneath the surface
You come back to haunt me
You come back and make me feel alone
You come back to haunt me like the fear I can’t let go
But ghosts I see right through
And I can see through you
So all you’ll ever do
Is be a shade I see tomorrow through
You haunt me
You come back to make me feel alone
But you’re only what breaks me
So that someday I’ll be whole
You come back to haunt me
~Justin McRoberts
* * *
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:2-3
"…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light. Job 33:28
"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.” Jeremiah 33:6-7
[We pray that you will be] strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:11-12
You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear." O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:57-58
"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?...” Isaiah 51:12-13
[if you actually got this far,] feel free to add more…
Friday, April 07, 2006
proof that blogging is good for melinda...and a thought that changed the world
Within the past year or so, I’ve gotten very used to the concept of having stark internal contradictions, but I can’t say I’ve gotten used to each one in particular…
On one point, it is so strange, it is just so strange, that you can at once reject something as ridiculous, and have it be an inseparable part of you. That you can lament how it’s manifest in someone else’s life, and yet be unable to stop it within your own. That you can wholeheartedly declare you will have no part of it, all the while forgetting, somehow, that it has been with you for a long time, and is not looking to leave.
You’d think I would be used to that, since that’s really the way sin works, too. Hm.
That really makes me think, now, and I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it this way before…but maybe it’s possible for God’s grace to extend even further than the realm of sin, and into our own personality, memory and even instinct. What a wonderful measure of grace, of mercy, that would be.
Maybe it’s possible that I have too narrow a perception of “sin,” and the “grace” that wipes it out. Maybe Christ saved us in one fell swoop from eternal damnation because of sin, but maybe God also continually saves us from ourselves in this life, from everything that is not of Him, which is nearly everything we are, ever since shortly after the Beginning…
Wait a second…
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
oh
So I’m slow. That’s okay, Bono’s probably already long-figured everything I’ll ever come across, anyway…
On one point, it is so strange, it is just so strange, that you can at once reject something as ridiculous, and have it be an inseparable part of you. That you can lament how it’s manifest in someone else’s life, and yet be unable to stop it within your own. That you can wholeheartedly declare you will have no part of it, all the while forgetting, somehow, that it has been with you for a long time, and is not looking to leave.
You’d think I would be used to that, since that’s really the way sin works, too. Hm.
That really makes me think, now, and I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it this way before…but maybe it’s possible for God’s grace to extend even further than the realm of sin, and into our own personality, memory and even instinct. What a wonderful measure of grace, of mercy, that would be.
Maybe it’s possible that I have too narrow a perception of “sin,” and the “grace” that wipes it out. Maybe Christ saved us in one fell swoop from eternal damnation because of sin, but maybe God also continually saves us from ourselves in this life, from everything that is not of Him, which is nearly everything we are, ever since shortly after the Beginning…
Wait a second…
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
oh
So I’m slow. That’s okay, Bono’s probably already long-figured everything I’ll ever come across, anyway…
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
who wrote this? who taught them to end a press release like that????
"McCARTNEY OFFERS COBAIN/LOVE DAUGHTER INTERNSHIP2006-04-05 16:26:19 -
Print article
Refer to a friend
SIR PAUL McCARTNEY's designer daughter STELLA has offered the daughter of KURT COBAIN and COURTNEY LOVE an internship at her New York store.The kind-hearted 34-year-old knows what it's like to grow up with famous parents,
and so decided to give 13-year-old FRANCES BEAN the summer (06) job. An insider tells British newspaper The Daily Telegraph, 'Stella knows how difficult it can be to have famous parents, so she's keen to help out Kurt and Courtney Love's daughter in any way she can. Frances is 13 and dreams of a career in fashion, so this ought to be an interesting experience for her.' NIRVANA frontman Cobain killed himself in 1994."
oh that just cracks me up
Print article
Refer to a friend
SIR PAUL McCARTNEY's designer daughter STELLA has offered the daughter of KURT COBAIN and COURTNEY LOVE an internship at her New York store.The kind-hearted 34-year-old knows what it's like to grow up with famous parents,
and so decided to give 13-year-old FRANCES BEAN the summer (06) job. An insider tells British newspaper The Daily Telegraph, 'Stella knows how difficult it can be to have famous parents, so she's keen to help out Kurt and Courtney Love's daughter in any way she can. Frances is 13 and dreams of a career in fashion, so this ought to be an interesting experience for her.' NIRVANA frontman Cobain killed himself in 1994."
oh that just cracks me up
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Note To Self, No.2: Confessions of a Privileged Young American
I hate not knowing where I'll end up after I graduate.
Concern for my physical safety is not even a factor to be taken into account. I am pretty much guaranteed a job of one kind or another. I had the opportunity to further my education. I had the financial resources to get this far.
I hate doing schoolwork when I'd rather be focusing on my job search.
I got to spend four years on the exclusive purpose of growing as a person and providing for a higher quality of life later on. I live in a country and come from an environment where substantial financial comfort is a very real possibility for me.
I am wondering if I will be able to find inexpensive-enough shoes for the spring formal.
I would be ashamed for a homeless woman to find out how many pairs of shoes I own. I have shoes for every season, and every occasion. I have shoes.
I am annoyed by the soft pudge that has formed around my middle, but can also still be heard remarking that "I am starving!".
I have fancy health facilities at my fingertips. I will never know what it is like to cry from hunger. I will never have to dig through someone's refuse to try to find nourishment.
I am impatient for a God-fearing companion to find me and love me as his own for the rest of our lives.
I have never found myself abused. I have never known the deep pain of betrayal. I have never felt the anguish of thinking I was utterly alone.
I wish my bank account would allow me to bulk up my new music files more often. I regret that I can afford to see either Eisely or Mutemath this month, but not both.
I have the luxury of even considering spending money on entertainment. I have a nice computer. I have an iPod.
I worry about being able to find a good apartment and roommates, and dread the possibility of having to move back home.
I have an extensive family network, supportive family who can be a safety net if I need it. I'll never literally worry about having a roof over my head.
I get frustrated with how much money I have to put into my car. I am currently annoyed that I don't have enough cash to fix my radio or cigarette lighter. I am envious of people with CD players in their dashes. I sometimes imagine how nice it would be to have a newer-than-a-'95 car.
I have a fully-automated Avalon with working AC and leather seats. Every person in my immediate family has a car for his or her exclusive use, and that's the middle-class norm in my country.
I hate the thought of maybe having to leave the church family I've come to love.
I've been able to take advantage of opportunities for incredible growth, publicly corporate worship, personally and spiritually edifying relationships, and prayer support whenever I should ask for it. I know I can rest in the assurance that the Lord will provide a form of community wherever I go. I have been given the Holy Spirit to guide me, incercede for me, and otherwise counter my sinful nature. I know the joy of Christ and the peace of the Father.
I get frustrated with my headache-inducing TMJ disorder.
I belong to a family that can afford quality medical care. I live in a society where it is readily available. I do not have a health problem that in any way hinders my day-to-day activities. I do not have a health problem that is not easily treated.
I hate not having the time to relax whenever I should need it. I really hope I'll be able to get to my "Fun Things To Do In Spare Time" list after I've gotten settled in an apartment and job.
I can be confident of eventually having both a job and an apartment. It's unlikely I will ever have to work my fingers to the bone just to survive. I will have a 401(K). The word "retirement" is a viable part of my vocabulary; it will not be a dream born out of wishful thinking. I am not of a financial background or on a job path that will necesitate my forfeiting free time or friendships. If I were actually responsible and efficient with my time, I could easily afford to spend some of it in front of a t.v., or behind a book, or out in the fresh air.
I hate how my parents' marital problems have affected me.
I have two still-married parents who love me unconditionally and have always been intentional in showing me this. I have two Christ-following parents who raised me to fear God, were smart enough to teach me how to stay out of trouble, and cared enough to plant seeds for growth I would not reap until years later.
I am often burdened by my personal brand of suffering, whatever it happens to be at the moment, and secretly feel entitled to some sympathy.
I do not live in daily fear for my life. I have never felt the physical humiliation and psychological and emotional devastation of a rape. I have not experienced the loss of a family member or dear friend. I do not wake up wondering if I will eat today; I do not fall asleep hating myself for the drug addiciton that is wrecking my life. I never had to face abuse or endure neglect from my parents. I do not fear that my house will be the next one hit. I do not know the grief of losing a child. I have never been in danger because of being a Christian. I have never wondered what it feels like to be loved. I do not have to face the daily torments of a terminal illness. I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I flirted with thoughts of taking it. I am not locked into an unrelenting, desperate economic situation with no hope of escape. I do not ache from cheating my soul by selling my body; I do not ache from cheating my future mate by having given it away. I am not holed up in a dank cell because I opposed my tyranic government. I have never had to watch helplessly as my community died off. I have never been ostracized or ridiculed for any of my sins.
I'm not trying to sound self-righteous in these realizations, and neither am I trying to depress anyone. I'm just trying to be realistic. I need to be reminded; I want it to be difficult to forget that not only am I privileged, but I am extremely blessed--and undoubtedly more so than I realize. Shame on me for ever feeling justified in complaining about my life, when there are so many people who have less, suffer more, and still live with praise for the Lord ever on their lips!
God forbid I get distracted by my shiny, middle-class Americana and forget.
Concern for my physical safety is not even a factor to be taken into account. I am pretty much guaranteed a job of one kind or another. I had the opportunity to further my education. I had the financial resources to get this far.
I hate doing schoolwork when I'd rather be focusing on my job search.
I got to spend four years on the exclusive purpose of growing as a person and providing for a higher quality of life later on. I live in a country and come from an environment where substantial financial comfort is a very real possibility for me.
I am wondering if I will be able to find inexpensive-enough shoes for the spring formal.
I would be ashamed for a homeless woman to find out how many pairs of shoes I own. I have shoes for every season, and every occasion. I have shoes.
I am annoyed by the soft pudge that has formed around my middle, but can also still be heard remarking that "I am starving!".
I have fancy health facilities at my fingertips. I will never know what it is like to cry from hunger. I will never have to dig through someone's refuse to try to find nourishment.
I am impatient for a God-fearing companion to find me and love me as his own for the rest of our lives.
I have never found myself abused. I have never known the deep pain of betrayal. I have never felt the anguish of thinking I was utterly alone.
I wish my bank account would allow me to bulk up my new music files more often. I regret that I can afford to see either Eisely or Mutemath this month, but not both.
I have the luxury of even considering spending money on entertainment. I have a nice computer. I have an iPod.
I worry about being able to find a good apartment and roommates, and dread the possibility of having to move back home.
I have an extensive family network, supportive family who can be a safety net if I need it. I'll never literally worry about having a roof over my head.
I get frustrated with how much money I have to put into my car. I am currently annoyed that I don't have enough cash to fix my radio or cigarette lighter. I am envious of people with CD players in their dashes. I sometimes imagine how nice it would be to have a newer-than-a-'95 car.
I have a fully-automated Avalon with working AC and leather seats. Every person in my immediate family has a car for his or her exclusive use, and that's the middle-class norm in my country.
I hate the thought of maybe having to leave the church family I've come to love.
I've been able to take advantage of opportunities for incredible growth, publicly corporate worship, personally and spiritually edifying relationships, and prayer support whenever I should ask for it. I know I can rest in the assurance that the Lord will provide a form of community wherever I go. I have been given the Holy Spirit to guide me, incercede for me, and otherwise counter my sinful nature. I know the joy of Christ and the peace of the Father.
I get frustrated with my headache-inducing TMJ disorder.
I belong to a family that can afford quality medical care. I live in a society where it is readily available. I do not have a health problem that in any way hinders my day-to-day activities. I do not have a health problem that is not easily treated.
I hate not having the time to relax whenever I should need it. I really hope I'll be able to get to my "Fun Things To Do In Spare Time" list after I've gotten settled in an apartment and job.
I can be confident of eventually having both a job and an apartment. It's unlikely I will ever have to work my fingers to the bone just to survive. I will have a 401(K). The word "retirement" is a viable part of my vocabulary; it will not be a dream born out of wishful thinking. I am not of a financial background or on a job path that will necesitate my forfeiting free time or friendships. If I were actually responsible and efficient with my time, I could easily afford to spend some of it in front of a t.v., or behind a book, or out in the fresh air.
I hate how my parents' marital problems have affected me.
I have two still-married parents who love me unconditionally and have always been intentional in showing me this. I have two Christ-following parents who raised me to fear God, were smart enough to teach me how to stay out of trouble, and cared enough to plant seeds for growth I would not reap until years later.
I am often burdened by my personal brand of suffering, whatever it happens to be at the moment, and secretly feel entitled to some sympathy.
I do not live in daily fear for my life. I have never felt the physical humiliation and psychological and emotional devastation of a rape. I have not experienced the loss of a family member or dear friend. I do not wake up wondering if I will eat today; I do not fall asleep hating myself for the drug addiciton that is wrecking my life. I never had to face abuse or endure neglect from my parents. I do not fear that my house will be the next one hit. I do not know the grief of losing a child. I have never been in danger because of being a Christian. I have never wondered what it feels like to be loved. I do not have to face the daily torments of a terminal illness. I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I flirted with thoughts of taking it. I am not locked into an unrelenting, desperate economic situation with no hope of escape. I do not ache from cheating my soul by selling my body; I do not ache from cheating my future mate by having given it away. I am not holed up in a dank cell because I opposed my tyranic government. I have never had to watch helplessly as my community died off. I have never been ostracized or ridiculed for any of my sins.
I'm not trying to sound self-righteous in these realizations, and neither am I trying to depress anyone. I'm just trying to be realistic. I need to be reminded; I want it to be difficult to forget that not only am I privileged, but I am extremely blessed--and undoubtedly more so than I realize. Shame on me for ever feeling justified in complaining about my life, when there are so many people who have less, suffer more, and still live with praise for the Lord ever on their lips!
God forbid I get distracted by my shiny, middle-class Americana and forget.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My newest discovery
(discovered during my weekend of moronic slackdom): Zoe Keating
She's actually from Rasputina to whom Billy introduced me last month, but Keating's solo work hits me closer in preference....it's so ridiculously layered and rich that just about all I can do is sit dumbly with my mouth hanging open. She's incredibly inspiring--even if you're not a cellist, I can't see how you wouldn't be amazed.
She's actually from Rasputina to whom Billy introduced me last month, but Keating's solo work hits me closer in preference....it's so ridiculously layered and rich that just about all I can do is sit dumbly with my mouth hanging open. She's incredibly inspiring--even if you're not a cellist, I can't see how you wouldn't be amazed.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Fever, of the cabin variety
I don't think I have ever loved the outdoors so much as I have since going to CR. I can't believe I actually disliked going on nature excursions with my family when I was little...oh to be able to do that again!
There is a hawk sitting on a tree outside my window. I really hope that A) I get a job here, and B) I get to keep this awesome office. Having a lake right next to me is probably what helps me be able to stand sitting at a desk for most of the day.
I still freaking want to go to Ravenrock. Andrew Tatum found the most beautiful little abandoned beagle puppy there yesterday; his name is Tucker and he's adorable. :) I miss my Danny.
Too bad I didn't like science enough to want to pursue my early veterinary dreams. I just love those darn animals, garsh. I just love creation. I think I'm turning into a treehugger. hmm.
There is a hawk sitting on a tree outside my window. I really hope that A) I get a job here, and B) I get to keep this awesome office. Having a lake right next to me is probably what helps me be able to stand sitting at a desk for most of the day.
I still freaking want to go to Ravenrock. Andrew Tatum found the most beautiful little abandoned beagle puppy there yesterday; his name is Tucker and he's adorable. :) I miss my Danny.
Too bad I didn't like science enough to want to pursue my early veterinary dreams. I just love those darn animals, garsh. I just love creation. I think I'm turning into a treehugger. hmm.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
2 months from today: Graduation, the official end of life as i know it
This school year I've had a running mental list of all the things I want to do once I've graduated and gotten settled in a job/apartment. Goes something like...
make my Costa Rica scrapbook (even if a year late)
learn how to salsa north-american style, and find somewhere to do it
make enough money to start buying music again (2-3 CDs a year is killing me..)
find a classical chamber group I can kick some notes around with
write articles to submit to ________ (okay, probably relevant..)
find a small community theater group who will let me work with them (so that i can finally find out if i suck or not, so that if i do, at least i will know it and can put an end to the sad, wistful feeling i get in my stomach every time i leave after the end of a play)
learn about astronomy and learn as much of the map of the night sky as i can
read for fun without guilt (definitely looking foward to this)
consistently exercise at least 3 days a week
relearn all the music theory I've forgotten, and learn as much new theory as i can stand
volunteer saturdays as a translator with Habitat for Humanity
get a dog
considering I'm supposed to be a student of media, actually make the time to be a consumer of it (i.e. of news articles and broadcasts) so I don't feel like such an ignorant moron
go see the musicals at Memorial
go to museums more than once every two years
play outside more
I know it's fairly unrealistic to want to do all these things...but sometimes dreaming about it keeps me from pulling my hair out these days, so hey. :)
make my Costa Rica scrapbook (even if a year late)
learn how to salsa north-american style, and find somewhere to do it
make enough money to start buying music again (2-3 CDs a year is killing me..)
find a classical chamber group I can kick some notes around with
write articles to submit to ________ (okay, probably relevant..)
find a small community theater group who will let me work with them (so that i can finally find out if i suck or not, so that if i do, at least i will know it and can put an end to the sad, wistful feeling i get in my stomach every time i leave after the end of a play)
learn about astronomy and learn as much of the map of the night sky as i can
read for fun without guilt (definitely looking foward to this)
consistently exercise at least 3 days a week
relearn all the music theory I've forgotten, and learn as much new theory as i can stand
volunteer saturdays as a translator with Habitat for Humanity
get a dog
considering I'm supposed to be a student of media, actually make the time to be a consumer of it (i.e. of news articles and broadcasts) so I don't feel like such an ignorant moron
go see the musicals at Memorial
go to museums more than once every two years
play outside more
I know it's fairly unrealistic to want to do all these things...but sometimes dreaming about it keeps me from pulling my hair out these days, so hey. :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Tengo Una Duda
Not to be at all associated with the previous post, but I have another question:
Adults always say that no matter how hard you try, you'll still become your parents; specifically, the parent of your own gender.
Does that HAVE to be true? I really just don't believe it. There will always be influences, and strong ones, to be sure (but if/once they're recognized, can't they be curbed, if they're bad?)...but I just cannot believe that our uncontrollable destiny is to turn into our parents.
Adults always say that no matter how hard you try, you'll still become your parents; specifically, the parent of your own gender.
Does that HAVE to be true? I really just don't believe it. There will always be influences, and strong ones, to be sure (but if/once they're recognized, can't they be curbed, if they're bad?)...but I just cannot believe that our uncontrollable destiny is to turn into our parents.
Moving Forward 101 (?..)
Every man and every woman is fallible in some way, and this will be expressed every single day of our lives...so no wonder God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, would set the model for forgiveness!--so that we can move on with our lives, without hating ourselves or hating other people. We are imperfect beings. Even the redeemed are still very much human.
I don't think forgiveness should ever be withheld by the follower of Christ, as he can rightfully call upon the Lord's strength and love to aid him. I also don't think it's wrong for the contrite heart to anticipate and even expect forgiveness, at least from other believers.
I don't suppose either of those situations have been severely tested in my life, so one might say I "just don't understand." Maybe not...but I still can't deny that God's is an understanding so much greater than my own, and yet Christ still commanded this of us. That's got to mean something.
All of that is "obvious" of course--but in that sneaky little way of being "obvious" to know, yet not so obvious to do.
It really doesn't always seem that simple, does it--not when you get into the dark and painful corners of someone's life. I've got a question for the more biblically well-versed: if someone sincerely pleas for forgiveness, we probably dare not refuse. But what if someone not only doesn't ask, but doesn't admit to the crime to begin with? Or isn't sincere? The king pardoned his indebted servant, until he found out that the servant's repentance was pretty shallow--and then the king revoked the pardon.
We're to forgive our brother "seventy-seven" times...but do we consider the circumstances? (That's not a leading question; that's a "Melinda really doesn't know" question.) I mean, people have met the murderer of a loved one...and forgave. People have been betrayed and cheated by dear friends, and even without an apology, forgave. People have been deeply hurt, and yet God must have given them what it took to forgive, because it's happened.
Maybe we're simply always "supposed" to forgive because it's "the right thing to do." But even if that's not it...isn't it self-destructive not to do it? It's so strange that one can continue to be held in bondage by something that would seem to be within the scope of one's own (Spirit-influenced) choice.
I know whole books have been written on this...but answers on here would still really be great..
I don't think forgiveness should ever be withheld by the follower of Christ, as he can rightfully call upon the Lord's strength and love to aid him. I also don't think it's wrong for the contrite heart to anticipate and even expect forgiveness, at least from other believers.
I don't suppose either of those situations have been severely tested in my life, so one might say I "just don't understand." Maybe not...but I still can't deny that God's is an understanding so much greater than my own, and yet Christ still commanded this of us. That's got to mean something.
All of that is "obvious" of course--but in that sneaky little way of being "obvious" to know, yet not so obvious to do.
It really doesn't always seem that simple, does it--not when you get into the dark and painful corners of someone's life. I've got a question for the more biblically well-versed: if someone sincerely pleas for forgiveness, we probably dare not refuse. But what if someone not only doesn't ask, but doesn't admit to the crime to begin with? Or isn't sincere? The king pardoned his indebted servant, until he found out that the servant's repentance was pretty shallow--and then the king revoked the pardon.
We're to forgive our brother "seventy-seven" times...but do we consider the circumstances? (That's not a leading question; that's a "Melinda really doesn't know" question.) I mean, people have met the murderer of a loved one...and forgave. People have been betrayed and cheated by dear friends, and even without an apology, forgave. People have been deeply hurt, and yet God must have given them what it took to forgive, because it's happened.
Maybe we're simply always "supposed" to forgive because it's "the right thing to do." But even if that's not it...isn't it self-destructive not to do it? It's so strange that one can continue to be held in bondage by something that would seem to be within the scope of one's own (Spirit-influenced) choice.
I know whole books have been written on this...but answers on here would still really be great..
Sunday, February 26, 2006
there's just so much...
I've feel like I've got so many things going on in my head that I can hardly begin to process them all...because the thought of my impending life changes is rushing at me so fast I can hardly catch my breath..
The internal sense I've got right now is as if I'm in a car that's supposed to be breaking for a stopsign, but the breaking hasn't started yet--and so in relation to the sign, I feel like I'm moving at lightening speed, absolutely hurtling towards it (even though I haven't actually speed up). And...that's a poor analogy that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but myself, but oh well. Sometimes my logic is my own, I suppose..
I'm tired of hearing all these post-graduate horror stories. I mean, of course I know I'm going to "make it" (i.e. not have a nervous breakdown and need to be committed as a result of financial and relational destitution) but I really would rather do more than "make it." It would be pretty wonderful if I didn't hate my life for the next year or two.
I'm just saying, I've always heard that college is four of the best years of your life. Came true. I've also heard that the year after college is one of the worst. Just can't believe that yet.
Besides, God seems to be sending me some...well, odd messages these days. And I'm not quite sure what to make of them...
The internal sense I've got right now is as if I'm in a car that's supposed to be breaking for a stopsign, but the breaking hasn't started yet--and so in relation to the sign, I feel like I'm moving at lightening speed, absolutely hurtling towards it (even though I haven't actually speed up). And...that's a poor analogy that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but myself, but oh well. Sometimes my logic is my own, I suppose..
I'm tired of hearing all these post-graduate horror stories. I mean, of course I know I'm going to "make it" (i.e. not have a nervous breakdown and need to be committed as a result of financial and relational destitution) but I really would rather do more than "make it." It would be pretty wonderful if I didn't hate my life for the next year or two.
I'm just saying, I've always heard that college is four of the best years of your life. Came true. I've also heard that the year after college is one of the worst. Just can't believe that yet.
Besides, God seems to be sending me some...well, odd messages these days. And I'm not quite sure what to make of them...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Nuevos retos cada dia
Try having to read a letter with no punctuation, no capitalization, and tons of misspellings...all in a foreign language.
in a way, kinda like...hebrew, spanish-style.
ay de mi :)
in a way, kinda like...hebrew, spanish-style.
ay de mi :)
Even YOU can be Jack Bauer...
...with the right ringtone.
The office just got a new Cisco phone system with about a bajillion different rings, one of which is the official CTU's "beep-beep...BEEEEPbeeeep," for all you 24-lovers out there. (I will not be using that one, as I have been boycotting 24 ever since they killed Jack's wife in the last five minutes of season one.)
My favorites so far are:
-"Beam me up, Scottie!"
-Smeagol's "Not list'ning, not list'ning!"
-Tim the Toolman Taylor's infamous grunt
-the Bonanza theme
-Chewbaca noises (don't know what else to call them...)
-*beep beep* "Kirk to Enterprise."
-Scooby giggling
So, which one should I go for? :P
The office just got a new Cisco phone system with about a bajillion different rings, one of which is the official CTU's "beep-beep...BEEEEPbeeeep," for all you 24-lovers out there. (I will not be using that one, as I have been boycotting 24 ever since they killed Jack's wife in the last five minutes of season one.)
My favorites so far are:
-"Beam me up, Scottie!"
-Smeagol's "Not list'ning, not list'ning!"
-Tim the Toolman Taylor's infamous grunt
-the Bonanza theme
-Chewbaca noises (don't know what else to call them...)
-*beep beep* "Kirk to Enterprise."
-Scooby giggling
So, which one should I go for? :P
Sunday, February 19, 2006
why I want to go home, Part II
...Because then all measures of separation would pass away between me and the God who never fails to meet me where I am in my time of need, the Lord who would show me something like:
Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? (Job 14:4) Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. (Ps. 51:5)
Dead in trespasses and sins,...by nature the children of wrath, just as the others. (Eph. 2:1, 3) I am carnal, sold under sin. What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. For I know that in me (this is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells. (Rom. 7:14-15, 18)
Through one man sin entered the world, ...by one man's disobedience many were made sinners. (Rom. 5:12, 19) If by one man's offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many. (Rom. 5:15)
The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. (Rom. 8:2)
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Cor. 15:57)
That was what I read in my devotions right after writing the previous post. By the time I read this, my thoughts had progressed somewhat beyond the specific lamentations of that post, and into the general mourning (yes, mourning) of my shortcomings that can (and do) get me down so often. So you can see the timeliness of those passages.
Love never fails, God is love...hello. Why I still always find myself surprised by the way He moves, I have no idea, but...the active and seen presence of the Lord in one's life is an amazing thing to experience.
I will falter again, and again; I know this because I know myself. I will fight against self-loathing, and I will struggle in accepting the grace which renders that fight entirely irrelevant and unnecessary. I will doubt my righteousness, I will distrust my intentions, and I will be suspicious of my motives. My heart will cry out against its unworthiness and my soul will grieve its human ties. But thanks be to God, who gives me the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ--not only eternally, but daily. Hourly.
Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? (Job 14:4) Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. (Ps. 51:5)
Dead in trespasses and sins,...by nature the children of wrath, just as the others. (Eph. 2:1, 3) I am carnal, sold under sin. What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. For I know that in me (this is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells. (Rom. 7:14-15, 18)
Through one man sin entered the world, ...by one man's disobedience many were made sinners. (Rom. 5:12, 19) If by one man's offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many. (Rom. 5:15)
The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. (Rom. 8:2)
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Cor. 15:57)
That was what I read in my devotions right after writing the previous post. By the time I read this, my thoughts had progressed somewhat beyond the specific lamentations of that post, and into the general mourning (yes, mourning) of my shortcomings that can (and do) get me down so often. So you can see the timeliness of those passages.
Love never fails, God is love...hello. Why I still always find myself surprised by the way He moves, I have no idea, but...the active and seen presence of the Lord in one's life is an amazing thing to experience.
I will falter again, and again; I know this because I know myself. I will fight against self-loathing, and I will struggle in accepting the grace which renders that fight entirely irrelevant and unnecessary. I will doubt my righteousness, I will distrust my intentions, and I will be suspicious of my motives. My heart will cry out against its unworthiness and my soul will grieve its human ties. But thanks be to God, who gives me the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ--not only eternally, but daily. Hourly.
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