I lied to you, Michelle.

I'm not going to do something productive before the game. Unless you consider "emotionally/intellectually/introspectively productive" a viable option.... :-)

I mentioned earlier that I've discovered I have a tendency to "look down" on certain groups of Christians, and for a ridiculous reason...but let me back up.

Pretty much my entire life I've encountered/been surrounded by Christians who are (supposedly) zealous in their faith, a trait (for lack of a better word) which is very much expressed in their words. For example, one will very frequently hear (or read, depending on the medium of comm.) these persons make frequent statements alluding to the goodness of God, His majesty, kindness, etc. One will hear petitions that [fill in the blank] would be for God's glory and His alone; one will hear oft-proclaimed thanksgiving for any number of blessings...or, even blessings in disguise. And so on and so forth; you get the picture.

I've recently discovered that, sadly, I have subconsciously conditioned myself to reject statements such as these as anything based on any kind of sincerity, if it comes from someone I don't know very intimately and whose sincerity I cannot blindly trust. I hear someone say in everyday, non-religious-themed conversation, "Praise God," and my first emotionally-based response is, "like they really have thought about that." I read someone's blog where someone thanked God for His amazing graciousness and faithfulness, and the first thing I think is, "suck up" (not necessarily to God, but to whomever may be reading). I know, I know...

Looking back, I realized that so many of those Christians who have crossed paths with me for one reason or another didn't back up what they said with their attitude, or with their actions. Or I could tell they were saying these things because they read that they were supposed to in "The Idiot's Guide For: Being a Good Little Christian," not because they really believed it. And this is why it's so hard for me to trust what people say.

And so, instead of rejoicing when those brothers and sisters whom I don't know very well rejoice, and instead of encouraging and being encouraged when they verbally seek for God to be glorified (and other things of that nature), I am immediately on my guard. Or, more accurately, I immediately assume the worst. Which happens to quietly, slyly manifest itself in my looking down on them before I even realize I am...

Perhaps it would behoove us to not ALWAYS take everything at face value, without any consideration, but I took it to the extreme. I really don't want to approach the community of believers, my community which sustains and encourages me, with pessimism and negativity.

¡Ay!

¡¡AYÚDAME!! MI PROFE NO SABE NADA DE LO QUE DEBEMOS ESTAR APRENDIENDO....

miento...no es cierto...pero, todavía...hemos pasado más que media hora hablando de un club que sirve solamente para una mitad de la clase. Y ahora estamos enseñándole como crear un aim screenname. Porque él no sabía lo que es.

Pensaba que esta clase serviría…vamos a ver. Espero que no me falte razón…

"If you could see it, then you'd understand.."

From the first lines of the opener til the last words of the finale, I was...enthralled.

Can words describe the outstanding artistic achievement that was last night's Coldplay concert? Perhaps, but I don' t think I'm going to try, because if you weren't there, it'd be hard to communicate, and if you were, then...you know. And if you think anything in this post is an exaggeration...well, I consider that your problem, not mine. :)

Except to say that last night I attended the very best concert/show/musical performance I have ever experienced--thank you, Chris Martin and Coldplay. (*Have to give props to the lighting/video techs too...talk about a show unto it self.) [Or, you could be Katie Beck and say, "this was the best thing that has happened to me in my 20 years of existence...well, besides getting saved. But this was second." ;) ]

Riding back home, drifting in and out sleep in the backseat and with Mae serenading me from the front, was just about the best way to end that night...Falling into my bed at 1:00 this morning, with the images and sounds sifting through my mind, I really felt like I had been dreaming..

Spectacular artistry. That's all I can say.

do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?

do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?

do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?

do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?

do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?




Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)


In the meantime...

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Te echo de menos, Costa Rica

Yo oigo mi casa llamando mi nombre
Asimismo mis queridos me llaman
Mis ojos padecen de una gran hambre
Para ver otra vez sus vistas que aman

* * *

I wrote that poem for one of my classes down there this summer...it's about being homesick. And I just got back from the "Spanish For Heritage Speakers" class that I'm auditing, the class that I was unreasonably nervous about attending.

Turns out (of course) I love it, and it put a different spin on that poem...

I hope I can go back one day.

What would it be like...

...to be Bono's kid?




Just my random thought of the day..

Memory Shuffle

Two posts in one day....can you tell i'm duty? :)


So i finally got with the program and downloaded iTunes. Good stuff. I like the 'party shuffle,' even if I don't know why it has that particular name... But with all of my music being played randomly, I'm experiencing an interesting phenomenon: reliving memories attached to certain songs.

It's always been a wonder to me how songs literally record themselves in our brains as soundtracks to our life, recalling experiences and emotions from the past into the present. It's kinda cool....and kinda eerie, depending on the memory..

Three cheers for diversity!

I grew up going to a neighborhood school where most of my friends were evenly split between black, white, and Philipino--actually, Philipinos prob took the largest place. And I didn't even know until about a month ago, when my dad told me, that my family had been among the minorities in that neighborhood....I spent most of the summer surrounded by central americans (it was wonderful)....My family just moved to a neighborhood where again they are the minority (it's a mainly black neighborhood, with some asian, latino, and caucasian)--too bad I won't be around there much....And I had lunch today with a Vietnamese chick from my dorm and a girl from Hong Kong who goes to my church.....some immigrants have fascinating stories, let me tell you.



I'm so glad to have finally gotten out of the WASP bubble that was my post-California, pre-college life.



Diversity. It's good for you.

"You're asking for it, you know..."

Mmmmm, yep.

I'll admit it; I'm a closet drama queen.

Drama makes life interesting--completely precludes any chance of being bored.

I, who decry drama as ridiculous and unneccesary, crave it deep down. (For the record, I know as a confirmed fact that I am not the only one, so there.) It makes you feel alive.

Why on God's green earth something insides me begs for change, for a change of emotional, mental, and experiential scenery, I have yet to appreciate.

Even as I stand in the face of one of the biggest impending changes of my life, i.e., the transition from the world of children and half-children to the supposed "real world" of adults, a part of me wants something else different. Now.

I suppose 'drama,' as we call it, is generally considered a bad thing; the word has a negative connotation in this context. Of course, it has its after-effect benefits--you learn, you grow, etc. And really, I think there can be "good" drama, although I think it's usually more confined to ourselves rather than to our interactions with and responses to others. Good drama, I'd say, tends to be more situational than relational. But what happens when your life equalizes and levels out? Bad or good, once it's gone, you are left with the feeling that your life is boring. (At least that's how it is to me.)

So why is it that when we are in the midst of all things dramatic, we eagerly anticipate the end of it (with either the end of turmoil with the bad, or a sense of completion with the good)?

Human complexities and paradoxes really get me.

I'm accidentally writing a song,

for the first time in over a year and a half. Thank you, KT, for triggering my giving voice to something that's been in the back of my mind for a time.

I've written a lot of words down since I started to bother with writing poetry (which is really only since I came to college), but it's rare--well, practically a non-existant occurance--for me to be able to hear a sound fit to accompany them, much less have a melody spring up alongside them at exactly the same time. So, no real songs started for a year and a half, not to mention the fact that I've never even finished one, ever...I hope I don't get sick of this one before I finish it, which has been a problem..

I really, really wish I had more time/opportunity to enjoy, make and be a part of music.


* * *

On sort of another note..

As I was writing in my notebook today, I looked back on some old poems in there, and couldn't help but laugh that I can't even remember what inspired some of them--not specifically, anyway. Of course, there are some lines which surpass the immediate situations in which they were written, because those situations were indelibly printed on my mind and on my heart. But it's strange to think that for some other poems, which seemingly were born out of extreme...whatever (can't think of what to call it), I can't even remember precisely why I wrote them.

Makes me wonder how, a few years down the road, I will view everything that happens now...although I do think it's easy to recognize the big things, the main themes, that are going to stick with you for the rest of your life..

I know we're all broken, but...

I just recently learned of another broken engagement...
I'll be honest with you; that scares me.

Do people come to realize they're actually not as sure as they once thought they were? Can things happen that completely revoke the solidness and assurance that was there before? Or was there not any of that to begin with?

It's difficult for me to think of a broken engagement as anything less than a kind of divorce. And i'm not just talking about the really stupid, young, immature people who don't give the idea of engagement and marriage the gravity it merits; I'm also talking about people who seem to have good heads on their shoulders and good intentions in their hearts, but still fall apart. I didn't begin to hear of such brokenness until maybe a couple of years ago, and now it seems a frighteningly common occurance....Maybe it's always been like that and I was just too naive (more than I am now, which sometimes hardly seems possible, considering how ridiculous I can still be) to realize it before then.

In my idealized mind, it seems to me like promising yourself to someone would be something that you considered so carefully and prayerfully (over time, not in an all-nighter of reflection) and something you would be so utterly sure of, that backing out would never ever even need to be an option.

I'd like to think it would be that way.

But I know things happen. I just don't want to believe that they do.

Of course, I don't know most things. Anybody out there who can speak to me from experience, personal or otherwise? Because the last thing I need is another reason to be scared..

If your glass heart should crack,

and for a second you turn back,
oh no, be strong...

...and i know it aches,
and your heart, it breaks,
and you can only take so much
walk on, walk on


* * *


let the past be past. build a bridge and get over it....and then burn it. move on.

Are these really ever safe to say to people? Our past should inform us, and of course we cannot escape the influence of it...it just shouldn't hold us captive. But who is right? The person whose experiences, and all the resulting reflections/emotions/actions, can never be purely communicated (and therefore never fully justified/explained) to another human being? Or a person who stands outside of the frame rather than inside, viewing all from a unique vantage point which potentially offers something that needs to be shared?

Every time I think I know what I think, somebody says something and unwittingly proves me wrong.

I'm confused.

enter my head, enter my heart,

...and i bet you'll find a piece of yourself.

That's what i've found a number of times, anyway--that what i'm thinking/feeling/going through is probably similar to, if not exactly the same as, what someone else is experiencing.

I had another one of those goosebump-inducing realizations of this last night.
If you know what i mean, you know how uncanny it is..


Enter my head, and you'll also find a myriad of other random thoughts that have been swirling around as of late..like,

-i still think too much about how other people will respond to certain things about me, namely certain actions

-i'm still finding out what a frighteningly relationally jealous person i can be

-one of my greatest fears is not being alone, but rather being not-alone and then screwing it up (or someone/something else doing so)

-wondering about how to deal with all of the above

-we're often blind to the worst parts of us and need other people to remedy that (mainly only talking from personal experience)

-being a real, true friend and sister might mean biting the bullet and taking risks, and just trusting to God anyway

-i wonder if any parents can really understand the full extent to which they affect their children

-communication is key, to understate and be absolutely cliche....and this includes recognizing what does NOT need to be said

-one of my other biggest fears is....i'm scared of what will happen if i'm ever significantly cut off from my friendships because a job so requires it...and i even just mean geographically, which, let's face it, is more of a detriment to any friendship than we would like to think, and certainly more than we can help

-being bitter never did anyone any favors, but sometimes it's so hard for us to even realize that we're in that place...or maybe hard to even care...but mainly especially hard to do anything about it when we do realize and care (semi-talking from pers.exp. again)

-i'm happy....but i'm also tired of wondering about a number of things, and tired of being scared of other people as well as of myself


well that was a glimpse, wasn't it

worth more than a thousand

As part of my unpacking-from-the-move/packing-for-Campbell process, I came across a plastic tub full of years' worth of photographs (I always intend to scrapbook, because it really is more enjoyable in that form, but who has patience and time for that?????).

Almost uncanny, all the memories and feelings evoked by these simple pieces of paper:

early puppy years of Danny...trips to the mountains back when my grandparents lived there...visits to Florida...pictures with bad hair and braces...pictures of "husky" Justin and toothpick me...old and new ski trips to Utah...the multitude of family gathering pics...youth camps...Pawley's Island...high school orchestra concerts...the accident...senior portraits...high school graduation...freshman Chickie X-mas party at Northeast (Chickie days. whoa.)...Halloween, college-style...my first onelessframe gig...

and that's barely half.

As part of this process, I've also been shifting through random books, crafts and momentos of my childhood. Oh, nostalgia.

Oh, memory! What a double-edged sword it is, no? I doubt there's a person alive who doesn't have both unwanted memories he wishes would just fade away and never resurface, and profoundly dear memories that will be treasured by the soul forever.

As I get older, I think I'm starting to realize the kind of responsiblity we have in how we respond to our memories...

you know what really stinks?

putting stuff on the roof of your car and then driving away.

...and the greatest of these is love

I am so incredibly blessed to have the brother I do in Justin. Our relationship is so tight and without conflict that sometimes people don't even believe me when I tell them that's how it is. There are some things which I don't know how I would get through without him.

This past year, I have really been impacted with just how important talking things out is....keeping heart-matter from getting out probably never did anyone any good. Not that it's always easy to get/let out, at least not for me; on the contrary, I've found that it's usually difficult and often frightening, depending on the context. But always worth it...

Today, surrounded by our favorite Bo's meal, Justin and I hit upon both some heartbreaking aspects and some strangely uplifting aspects of our family...and were struck with the awesome responsibility of being called to love someone. We never concluded that loving someone is always a calling, but that at least in some cases it definitely is, and sometimes it can bring more pain than joy. And that for someone to stay true to that calling in the midst of pain and in the absence of encouragement really is something.

* * *

'Cause love is different than you think
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think

churnin' like buttah

...is how i've (for some reason) chosen to qualify the state of my mind at this moment. (ohhh how i'm enjoying these last few days of intellectual freedom...before i return to Campbell, land of guilt-laden pondering and writing, so laden because I always know there's something else I should be doing....bleh.)

I just spent the past two hours talking to my dad about an amalgam of political, social, and spiritual/theological themes. (Sidenote: I look foward to more and more convos like that with him, and with friends, even though it does sometimes frustrate me that I have allowed myself to be ignorant and uninformed on many topics, and therefore can usually only offer very few carefully-reached opinions; the bulk of what comes out of my mouth is a barrage of questions. One day I hope to be able to offer both the questioning and its counterpart: to define what i really think and believe, and to be able to freakin back it up.)

Anyway. Some of the stuff he says just seems so contrary to what I would naturally think, conditioned as i am by society, peers, etc....but it all made so much sense!! I didn't really "like" some of what he had to say--because honestly, some of it just goes against the grain--but i cannot deny that what he put forth was pretty solid. I tried punching holes.....not my forte, I know, but I'm also not an idiot...and I gained about zero ground. And now I'm left with this seeming contradiction of not being satisfied with the endpoints of his arguments, but not being able to deny them, either. I guess I'm also partially wrestling with the practical vs. the theoretical.

I'll purposefully leave that vague, mainly because I'm lazy. But man, I wish a bunch more people had been privy to that conversation...I would so love to hear my dad in dialogue with any number of my more thoughtful friends, just to hear how they would object and how he would respond.

Hmmm.



My head is full of thoughts, but not just about politics and the like. There's also thoughts on...

my future: my impending career, my calling(s), where I'll end up, with whom I'll end up

friends: friends who are hurting, friends who merit far more than I give, friends who have given me more than i deserve myself, the necessary basis of unconditional love in all our relationships and what that really means

my responsibility as: a citizen, a human, a friend, a follower of Christ, and as a member of a community on every level, from my immediate, biological family, right up to the world in general

the level of value/worth of: money, time, discipline, sacrifices


About half of these things have been on my mind for months or years, while I've kind of been smacked with the other half in the last 36 hours or so. It will be interesting to see where all that goes.


For those of you who somehow aren't bored/sick of "hearing" me talk, read the previous entry, and follow the instructions at the end. =-P

doors, questions, love....welcome to a little reverse stream-of-consciousness

I once told a friend that, at least for me, growing in Christ and understanding the mystery of God is a lot like opening a door, only to find that it leads to about seven more doors, each of which leads to about a dozen more doors.... you get the picture. "Understanding," as we humans tend to think of it, cannot ever be fully, truly achieved with regards to God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit, at least not here. I can never even hope to comprehend the complexity that IS God.

And this is an enormous comfort to me. If I could definitively reach an explanation, if I could somehow completely and "correctly" encapsulate in word or thought every aspect of all things heavenly, I would suddenly have been able to reduce God to...me, for all intents and purposes. If I could fully explain and rationalize God, what would then be left of his greatness, that which inspires awe and fear and adoration in the hearts of his people? And so I gladly revel in the fact that my life of faith will always be a continual search for more, to know God more deeply and purely.

Okay, so i really said all of that to preface this: as a result of the above, I naturally find myself with a lot more questions than answers. I don't doubt that some questions could be answered, or at least better informed, through more study and more teaching. But, there are other questions of infinite proportions that I believe simply cannot and will not be answered on Earth. And in the past (and still sometimes every now and then), this has been something that has stopped me in my tracks when I want to be able to explain how I can possibly believe what I do to someone who disagrees (and i'm not talking about small points of doctrine or anthing like that--I'm talking about why I put my faith and trust in Christ).

And that's why I think it's absolutely beautiful and amazing to see how God can orchestrate different things in our lives ("things" meaning absolutely anything: a Bible verse shared, a conversation, a sermon, a reunion with someone, an answered prayer, a movie that strikes you, a book that speaks to you, witnessing an event, a long-awaited reconciliation or healing, etc.) that, for those looking for "proof," MORE than compensate for any questiones we may have.

I guess I'm kind of going backwards in this post and retracing my steps of thought....what spawned all of the above ramblings is that today, God yet again reminded me of His nearness and greatness, and His unconditional, personal, relentless love for me...this particular time, through Brad's sermon. It wasn't so much the content and the ideas presented themselves, as it was more of a God-sent confirmation of something that had recently been on my mind. It was so simple, really....and yet I was overwhelmed, as if God had just plopped down in the chair next to me, drew me into a tight hug, and said cheerily, "Hey, I'm still right here!....where I've always been, and always will be!" And the thing that floors me is that this happens SO much....and not even just in times of need, or doubt, or pain, but also in happiness and peace. It's like He doesn't make Himself known to me simply to reassure me---He does it because it's just a part of His nature, because He desires intimacy with me, because He loves me with a love that is beyond understanding. That's pretty much mindblowing, if you ask me (aaand there goes another door).

I think THAT is what I want people to know....forget doctrine, forget the newest theory or archaelogical discovery; I think you have to talk to people, you have to get to know them, you have to look inside their lives to really see.


so that post went all over the place....but i would very much appreciate outside thoughts.

(that was a blatant petition for comments, people, which i don't do often, so you should humor me...)

by the way,

there's this minor band coming to town September 10. You've probably never heard of them because they're so little-known, and wouldn't like them if you had (mediocre talent and all that).


But nevertheless...Coldplay, anyone?

Tell me if you're interested.

if these walls could talk..

i doubt they would say much, at least to me, as they don't know me very well. nor will they ever get the chance to know me well, as this new house is more my parents' new house than mine.

that is a decently sobering thought. good thing in less than 2 weeks i escape back to school where i can maintain my semi-independence-yet-dependence-when-necessary status.

although, dang...why couldn't they have moved into the awesome house back when i wanted to live at home??

c'est la vie!