Attn: wannabe Raleigh street performers

(putting in a plug for me dear ol' dad, the VP of SP..)

Streetlight Productions exists to help you improve your art of street performance. They do cool stuff for Raleigh's street performers (and those who want to become one), like offering deeply discounted street performance permits and workshops geared toward mastering the street art scene...

Just stick to the music, Bono!

...is what some people are saying (and have been saying).


I just don't know. Yes, part of me thinks it's a bit dodgy that he legally moved (or the band did? I can't remember which) so that his U2 money wouldn't have to go to Irish taxes. But then again, isn't he using that untaxed money for good? (Or as Shane Claiborne might ask, if he's using the money to further the kingdom of God rather than furthering the government's agenda, what's the problem? Though I'm not saying that's what he's doing.)

I know a lot of people, my father included, think some of Bono's philanthropic efforts are misguided. He does indeed have the power to influence a lot of people, and that influence shouldn't be taken lightly.

But really...he could be using his fame and fortune to glamorize a crappily hedonistic celebrity lifestyle, couldn't he?

That's all I'm saying.

(PS - somewhat unrelatedly, how's this for irony)

Mysterium fidei

...mystery of faith...




I just got back from the Jesus for President tour stop in Raleigh, and am fascinated. What an evening of beautiful storytelling, heartwrenching music and discomforting challenges.

There were heavy southern (American) accents, old timey bluegrass, and Middle Eastern wails. Letters from soldiers, and scorn of America as the world's god. There was love overflowing, and messages that would make my patriotic father furious, most likely.

Surprisingly, Shane Claiborne and friends touched on many struggles I've been dealing with for several years related to politics, patriotism, the role of the Church, and what the gospel of Christ really means for the world, and the United States of America, today.

Lots to think about.

breaking the musicfast!

More than a year ago (several?) I basically stopped buying music. For real. For the same reason that I try not to buy chocolate, or buy ice cream, or start watching a new series I've never watched online (where all the episodes are available at once): once I start, I very nearly can't stop. Pandora.com is probably the only thing that allowed me to do this; otherwise I would have died inside from lack of new music. But I think it's time for the fast to end, and I can't wait to start splurging on...

• Beyoncé! Somehow I own nothing of her music...I think she is one of the most talented pop (in the broad sense) music-makers out there today. girl power music at its best - love it.
• Over the Rhine. newly introduced to them and she's basically who I want to be.
• Emilliana Torrini. beautiful voice, entrancing music.
• Eisley's newest album...i'm still steaming from having gotten the time wrong for a recent show, and walking in right after they finished.
• The Album Leaf. chill and pretty.
• Sufjan Stevens. been listening to him for years...to the same 4 songs. dumb. no more.
• Patty Griffin...everything I don't already have :)
• Bjork
  
• Chris Thile
  
• Nickel Creek - everything! i only had one album, and I've lost even that one. not owning NC is like an insult to music.
• Rocky Votolato
  
• Mason Jennings. his music makes me feel so happy, haha
• The Frames. going backward from having listened to The Swell Season first, the Frames are just as great.
• Coldplay's newest. I feel silly even admitting that one.
• Ray LaMontagne...everything i don't already have.
• Rich Price.
• Damien Rice! how do i only have 2 songs?? ridiculous.
• ...and more Ray Charles, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Doris Day, Rosemary Clooney, Rachmaninoff, Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Turina, Mozart, Beethoven, Elgar..

And that's pretty much scratching the surface. mmmmm i can almost taste the forthcoming musical goodness now :)

Love & Loss

A dear friend of mine is working through his fourth month since his wife of many years passed away from cancer. By no means is he dealing with any kind of hopeless despair (his blog can show you why) but experiencing his grief and loss is certainly the most prominent feature of his life at this time.

At one point he said something I've heard many times before: "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."

That's something I've never really believed, at least not for my nature and personality. But, oddly enough, I've been having to concede that perhaps that is the only kind of loss of love I would accept if it meant having the kind of love that my friend and his wife so clearly shared when she was alive. I say odd, because I truly cannot imagine a more painful kind of loss - and that loss is only so great because the love was so great - and yet the greatness of the love makes the prospect of such pain worthwhile, or at least bearable.

But I have witnessed other kinds of love lost that I want nothing to do with; and there is where I don't believe it's "better to have loved and lost." There are some things, in my mind, that don't make the loss worthwhile.

Again, that's for myself, anyway. My concession there, though, has to be that maybe I can only say that because I've never been in love and so don't know what I'm missing. But still...from where I stand, it isn't always worth it.

Probably something people would say I need to figure out how to deal with, but oh well. :P

Here, have a time slot.

I have often had a hard time believing that it is both necessary and good that my life must be orchestrated around what can fit into specified blocks of time...30 minutes on this afternoon here, 2 hours on that evening there...

But, if I am to:

build relationships with the people around me like I want to,

be involved with social justice like I want to be,

earn a living wage like I have to,

and spend time just reading/writing/musicking/resting/vegging/exercising etc. like I need to,

(and do everything else that crops up in life that must be done)

...then I believe that partitioning my life into time slots is the only way to get to do it all.

I do believe that the American life is different from much of the world in its speed, and think that there are certainly some Americans who could do with a little less speed. If you're flying through a life based around your career (or anything else) at a breakneck speed and it is draining you, then you need to slow down.

But while I can still do all this and be energized rather than drained, then I will continue to do it. Especially because I think one day this will change (read: when I have a family) -- while I'm not accountable to anyone else (I mean, not to the level that you are when you have your own family), I want to be as completely involved in this stuff as I can be.

Yeah, spontaneity is kind of sacrificed when that is the kind of life you lead, in a way. Although...it makes me laugh that I intentionally try to schedule space into my week and month that has nothing actually scheduled in it, so that I can have time to either just relax/recoup or do something spontaneously fun...does scheduling opportunities for spontaneity mean it's no longer spontaneous??? ahhhhh :) haha.

And I have decided that sometime in the next year, I am going to try to realize a long-time goal of mine and seek a weekend (or more) of individual retreat at a monastic guest house. Preferably a really old one :)

It's all about the balance.

So, for this stage of my life, time slots it is, then.

Should I stay, or should I go?

...except, now that I think about it, that's not really an apt title for this post. Because my question isn't so much about "should I, or shouldn't I?"...

I've had a few recent conversations about how much I am loving getting ingrained into the fabric of my community (Raleigh...never thought I'd say that), but how I never like to make "life" plans more than 6 months out, because...I don't want it to be hard to pull up roots. Partly because there's a piece of me that longs to be a part of a world outside of the United States of America.

But the truth is, it would be hard for me to pull up roots; there's no getting around it. A friend I just had a beach weekend with was talking about how she's feeling pulled to something international, possibly, and all I can think is, "you just moved to North Carolina and are looking for your second job here - how can you even be thinking about leaving already?"

Oh, Melinda :)

A joke from this past weekend is about how "slow" I am - with getting ready, with getting places, with making decisions, with everything. 'Tis true, I own that one. Part of the problem is probably that I don't have a problem with that particular characteristic of mine, hehe. Anyway, maybe that just means that I do things in life slowly, and that this is okay - maybe I will slowly become a part of this community of Raleigh, NC, and one day will perhaps slowly grow into a totally new life somewhere else.

So really, it's not a matter of should I or shouldn't I (not yet, anyway) - just a matter of taking care to fulfill God's mission for me right here, right now. And hopefully He'll make it obvious when the "here" needs to change.

Arrrr!

My pirate name is:

Mad Jenny Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

(I think this is what happens when you're trying to do work at 11:30 at night..)

Come celebrate the 4th of July with the homeless!

The following is taken from the LoveWinsAlways blog.

---------------------------------

A lot of people have wanted to know some practical ways they could help in our mission of loving the poor, homeless and destitute of Raleigh, North Carolina. Here is your chance.

At 4pm on the Fourth of July, 2008 we are going to have a cookout in Moore Square (click here for a map) in downtown, Raleigh. There will be hot dogs, baked beans, watermelon, soft drinks and much more (we hope, anyway). If somebody could bring some guitars and such, that would be pretty cool too.

Why are we doing this, you ask? Several reasons:

• Because while no doubt you have friends and loved ones to spend the Fourth with, many of the homeless and poor do not. Bring your friends and loved ones with you.

• Because on holidays the soup kitchens are closed, so any free meals usually consist of bag lunches with peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Surely we can do better than that?

• Because when the poor go hungry, it ticks Jesus off.

• Because you need more friends who have less than you do.

• Because you will get to eat with some really cool people.

• Because things like friendship, community, dignity and happiness are important in the Kingdom of God.

• Because while everyone else is celebrating their allegiance to the American Empire (the same Empire that often says your worth is related to your net worth), we can show our ultimate allegiance to the Kingdom of God, which says these people are priceless and worth fighting for.

NOTE: The purpose of this event is not to win souls, to pass out tracts or to break out with the street preaching. Instead, we want to have fun, to meet new people and to show the love of God in the way of Jesus.

If this sounds like something you would like to be a part of, we need lots of food and help to pull this off. Leave a comment below or send me an email and I will send you a list of things we need.

i don't understand bored.

Really, I don't. I don't at all know how to relate to people who don't know what to do with their time and thus sometimes must wallow in that annoyance called boredom...seriously, I would be happy to take some of their disposable time off their hands (and I'm not talking about for purposes of getting the house clean or finally doing all the laundry).

Because I have come to the unsatisfactory but realistic conclusion that I will never be able to do everything I want at a given point in my life, because there are simply way too many things I want to do.

Right now, I'm:

• learning about cultural competence as it relates to the response to human trafficking
• developing a network of local faith communities to respond to local human trafficking
• painting a little bit
• going to a weekly homegroup for my church
• starting a journey group-discipleship thing with a couple other girls
• trying to learn how to be a booking agent for a music artist
• planning wall murals for a children's clinic
• teaching women's self-defense (on hiatus for a few more months until the ol' knee heals up!)
• working out sort of regularly (is that an oxymoron?)
  

But I ALSO want to:

• start writing articles again
• paint a lot more
• start a mixed media project
• get involved in community theater
• start/front a jazz band
• somehow find myself singing for a not-jazz band (even after years, I've never really figured out what that means...some kind of cross between Over the Rhine and Regina Spektor and Natasha Bedingfield and Fiona Apple and Patty Griffin and Schuyler Fisk)
• hike/bike the state parks and greenways
• really learn how to salsa
• work out very regularly
  
• start ballet again
• learn how to use my loop station and compose avant cello songs
  
• learn how to play guitar, at least enough to legitimately do open mic nights
• do Jubilee-type work full time
• learn to become a decent photographer
  

The frustrating thing is none of these things are out of the realm of doability in and of themselves - they're not those lofty dream-goals I had/I still have like "live in Spain" or "open a chocolate shop." The only solution I can wrap my brain around is that maybe I'll eventually get things out of my system so I can start spending pieces of my life on the next thing.

I can't help but think, though, that there are very few things on either of those lists I'll actually want to quit. I mean, the three things I was doing and am not doing now (writing articles, taking ballet and teaching self-defense) I want to go back to! How am I ever going to get to all the new things I want to do?

Basically, the likely reality is that there will be things in life that I really want to do, but they'll just have to get the shaft, because there is only so much of me to go around, and I'll have to get over it.

This post probably sounds like I'm trying to impress people because I'm "so very interesting, look at all the things I want to do!" but seriously, I'm just trying to work through said "get over it" process. Blah.

ShellyRhettLink

I would just like to put in plugs for my friends Shelly of the Shelly Moore Band and Rhett and Link of...Rhett & Link. (Okay, so I've never actually met Link...but it's almost like you just can't say Rhett anymore without also saying Link. Sorry, Rhett. 'n'Link.)

Both exceptionally talented groups, one is currently promoting their beautifully crafted album of heartfelt worship(ful) songs, and the other is launching their coverage of their Alka-Seltzer Great American Road Trip today. Personally, I think one is among the cream of the crop of Christian artists out there, and the other is going to soon be giving those FreeCreditReport.com and Embarq guys all a run for their money. How Shelly is going to pull it off I just don't know, but....kidding. I'm pretty sure their pictures give an idea of who would be doing what..

But you know what they both are? AWESOME. Check them out.

Halos? Really?

Corporate people tend to see cause marketing (when corporations and businesses align themselves with a cause or charity - like the partnership between McDonalds' and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital) as a great beneficial relationship, one that raises money and positive notoriety for the cause and boosts goodwill (and thus possibly sales) toward the corporation.

I've heard non-corporate people make scathing remarks about cause marketing as an empty, shallow ploy that exploits charity for the corporation's own gain.

I don't think it's ever so black-and-white, 100% of the time. I don't doubt that there are some businesses that, were cause marketing a nonexistent concept, are truly driven by selfish (or at the least, ignorant) people who would see no reason to help others if it doesn't help them -- but there are others that would engage in charitable practices anyway, because it's the right and socially responsible thing to do.

And I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a corporate marketing director working on cause marketing who is sniggering greedily about what an unwitting tool their charity is.

I do admit that it feels a bit odd to have a ceremony to "hand out the halos;" that seems taking it a bit far...but if cause marketing benefits a cause that could use the help (as most all causes could), does it matter if the company's intentions are less than purely altruistic?

Even if I wasn't a hippie...

...there's still no way I would ever understand the mindset that drives women to do this: http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/1093016.html

There is a 14-year-old girl who was forced to be a sex slave right here in Wake County, NC.

I encourage you to read this and other news about human trafficking going on in our country, and in our state. The abolitionist group I'm involved with has a wiki set up that includes state and national articles (see "Media Reports")...including a story from the N&O today about a sex trafficking case right here in Wake County.

ramble and muse..

I just had an interesting question/thought.

Since my "depressive period" three years ago, I have had to make a continual and active effort to never return there, to never indulge in those lines of thinking that I know can lead me there. In times of crisis it is necessarily a more concentrated effort, and that is where I find myself now, with my lovely big health insurance nightmare.

Anyway, my tendencies (or I think that's actually too strong of a word...but I can't think of a lesser one for now) being something I'm more conscious of these days, I've had the subject of depression on my mind more - well, because of that and also just because it's a subject that kind of fascinates me, as a matter of psychology and sociology.

ANYway, just now in the midst of one of said musings, it struck me how there would be so many more healthy and happy people (or at least, perhaps, healthier and happier) were it not for shame. When I look back on my own experiences, finally learning to be open with others about my hardship was hands down the first and biggest movement toward a recovery. The thing that prevented this step for nearly half a year was, quite irrefutably, shame. People thought I had things together. I didn't want anyone to know I was broken.

And then it struck me how so many women involved in some kind of abuse or trafficking or exploitation don't seek help because of shame, because the pain they live in somehow seems better than the pain of being exposed. Some cultures actually even hold to the belief that, for example, a woman who is raped has been shamed and she should rather die than be exposed and bring shame to her family. As if it was her choice to start with.

And so my question is, WHY? If our culture(s) didn't denigrate people who have fallen victim to depression, abuse, mental illness etc., I truly believe many individuals would feel so much freer to seek the help they need, be it medical, legal, or maybe just a conversation with a friend.

The real shame is how people respond to the broken. Brokenness in certain forms is disturbing to "non-broken" people who don't know how to deal with with it, and so they don't want to hear about it. And that's the sentiment that our society has built itself on (maybe it's better than 50 years ago, but there's still a long way to go), and those who are broken know this, they feel it, and so they keep quiet in their own little mental dungeons.

And the funny thing is, I don't actually believe that "non-broken" people exist. I'm not sure why over time, certain things got singled out to have shame attached to them, why there are some things that people just don't like to talk about. It took me over a year, I think, to be able to talk freely about depression, and now it's no big deal - to me. But I still get the feeling that for someone to speak freely about something like that, to someone who has never experienced anything similar, it is a bit shocking and uncomfortable. And I think that's a problem.

Slavery STILL Exists (i.e., if you want to stay in the dark, don't read this)

I have been digging through the world of human trafficking for the past half-year, and am continually becoming convinced that one of the greatest shames, one of the greatest tragedies, is that so many people in the United States and throughout the world have no idea that this is even going on.

Almost every one I know in this fight has a story similar to mine, and it's one with a common theme of shock. I mean, I'd always known about "sweatshops" and "sex slaves" and the like, but really, I had no idea...I didn't think about it much. I didn't know it was like this. I didn't know the trade of human beings is the third most active criminal enterprise worldwide, next only to drugs and firearms. I didn't know that numbers-wise, slavery captures many more lives today than did the transatlantic slave trade of a couple centuries ago.

* * *

Though not technically visually graphic, this video is disturbing, as it should be. But if you can't watch it, at least watch the second one, for Radiohead's "All I Need."

Communitas.

There's a big push in the Christian world (at least, among my generation) toward all things "community" and "relationships" and the like. I am intrigued by it all, from New Monasticism to Nieu Communities to less-hardcore versions like my church's "journey groups" (intentional, spiritually-focused relationships between three or four of the church body).

I can't say I embrace it all though, at least not practically. Part of me thrills at the thought of being refined by fire (as it surely would be for this girl, who loves her privacy dearly) through an intimate community of believers that reaches out to the surrounding community-at-large just as much as it grows closer and more connected to each other and God from within.

But...

The problem with the other (bigger) part of me is that, ironically, I have finally achieved what I have been aiming to achieve for the last 24 years. I am settled in a nice apartment in a lovely part of town with a great roommate and a wonderful church and great friends and a good job, and am heartily time-invested in several causes that are important to me...and the last thing I want to do is to shake all that up.

And I will admit something that I have never before dared to admit beyond the confines of my own mind: for several years, I've had a Jonah-esque fear that God may one day ask me let him shake my life up, and move me far, far away to who knows where, to do who knows what.

I've never admitted that aloud, because I have this dumb idea that I will jinx it into happening if I do (as if I could trick God into not asking, simply by never mentioning it...)

I think that's one reason I have been pretty adamant about not ever making big life plans for anything further than 6 months out - because if God did want me to do something totally uncomfortable, at least it might be less painful than if I had to be absolutely ripped away from the roots I had been so focused on growing..

That, and (and this might sound stupid, but it's honest) I have this idea that doing anything for God - like moving to a rural South American community, or joining a ministerial community in my own state, or what have you - means begging people for money, and the very thought of that makes my insides cringe. Fundraising makes me miserable - it rubs hard against the grain of my very personality, and I never want to have to do it.

Ah, me. Call me a coward, but I'm just not going to think about any of that much, for now.

proceso, no producto...

orrr, not.

I normally love that philosophy I first learned from from my favorite Spanish teacher, "process, not product." But as far as this new knee goes, I'm all about getting this process over and getting the final product.

However, good news is that apparently "I must be a fast healer" as my PT said today, as the process is going very well. Though, if there's one word that I would use to describe this whole process, it would be, irrefutably: weird.

Weird, because...

• One's first surgery experience is necessarily so, I think. I don't remember falling asleep, or waking up. And I never thought I could possibly be so glad for a bedpan as I was at about 2pm on April 24. Thank goodness I was on inhibition-reducing drugs, or else I would probably have refused it...and that just couldn't have ended well.

• When everything you do requires very slow, incremental movements (or in the first week, hardly any movement at all), you get into a time warp. I have been in a time warp for 12 days, almost two weeks since my surgery!! What?? How? (Everything takes so long to do, and with so much concentration and carefulness, that time actually goes by very quickly..and yet I never seem to be getting much done.)

• It's so strange that one week of sitting in a chair weakens you so much that you'll take months and months to recover your strength.

• I feel like an elderly person. In addition to my crutches I have a walker in the kitchen, a cane in the bathroom and a chair in the shower (the last three of which belong to my grandma...who apparently is getting around much better than I am these days). And now that I'm weaning off of one crutch, I am walking (shuffling) even more slowly now.

• Perhaps the strangest (and most wonderful) thing is that I have experienced next-to-no pain this whole time, and with minimal help from strong meds (which I quit after about six days anyway, because they were making me sick!) I think I can only attribute that to the prayers on my behalf, because that definitely makes no sense! So thank you if you prayed!...the doctors did a phenomenal job, or I have a super pain-resisting body, or something, but I am so grateful that on top of the many inconveniences, the only bodily discomfort I've really had to deal with was side affects from the drugs during the first week. Even PT isn't very bad...I didn't even remember to take Tylenol beforehand today and I was fine.

12 days down, about six months to go...but I seriously think I've about finished the hardest part, thank God!!!!!

(that picture was actually the day of the surgery...the Robogirl leg has been gone for about a week now, replaced with a very misshapen-but-getting-stronger-every-day appendage. I'll take that.)

well, shoot haha

So not only am I getting my knee cut up tomorrow, but to add insult to injury (hmm..no pun intended), I just found my first gray hair. I am SHOCKED I tell you, SHOCKED!

hehe :P It's all good though...that's actually funny to me. Especially considering that only a few days ago did I tell my hairstylist that if I got my dad's genes, I wouldn't see any gray until I was in my 40's.

Thanks Mom ;)

Where's the line?

My somewhat recent (if a year is recent) foray into the world of social justice has kind of messed up my life. And I'm not talking in that euphemistic way of describing "how glad I am to have found my calling and I'll never be the same yaddayadda..." I suppose that is true, but when I think of "messed up," I really am thinking in terms of inconvenience. Discomfort. Annoyance. Irritation.

It's really incovenient that: my conscience won't allow me to shop at Victoria's Secret anymore, because the word "sweatshop" has a much more robust meaning to me these days.

It's annoying that: I feel as if I'll be more apt to be perceived as prudish these days, because my work against modern slavery has opened my eyes to how our society distorts and abuses sexuality in a way that contributes to so much harm in so, so many ways.

It's irritating that: my work in women's safety and abolitionism has replaced my inoculation to violence with an aversion to it, to the extent that my television and cinema entertainment choices have become more limited.

It sucks that: my most recent attendance at a show of a certain favorite 80's party band was probably my last, because for the first time I found myself unable to brush off or excuse their explicit raunchiness-as-performance-shtick.

...and I could go on. But not indefinitely, because I haven't yet become willing to be a martyr for the idea of social justice itself...

I've been wrestling with a concept that is at the foundation of my abolition group Jubilee - "standing for justice, rejoicing in freedom" - freedom in both the physical sense and all the metaphysical senses. One Jubilee woman once shared about a friend who was completely obsessed with only eating slow (local) foods, buying only free-trade items, taking great care to never accidentally support anything that directly or indirectly harmed anyone or anything...and if you consider what it would take to live that way, that is not freedom...that is being chained down by an idea.

But of course it's not a bad idea, right? I mean, you're being a responsible, caring, "good person." But I just think that something is lost when you make your life almost impossible to live for the sake of never having anything to do with something even remotely tainted.

But do I think it's okay to let some things slide? Well, I can't say that I do. But I do let things slide; I choose to not research every little thing I buy/do/eat/etc. because I don't want to go crazy.

...But part of me really wishes I had the fortitude and discipline to be like that stringently conscious woman.

...But part of me doesn't want to hear about another favorite company that uses sweatshops or another entertaining t.v. show that has faulty sexual morals, because I don't want to feel compelled to sacrifice yet one more thing...nor do I think a life burdened by solid sacrifices is any way to live, particularly if I claim to have freedom in Christ.

...But then I'm struck with how unfair it is that I have the choice to either sacrifice enjoyment/convenience or to let things slide, whereas so many others in the world do not.

But, but, but.........clearly I have not resolved this issue in my mind. I wonder if I ever will?..

it's time

"it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again"




[love it]

twitter THIS. what.

So I've seen twitterings all over the place lately, and I finally felt like I had to know what it is. I've intentionally avoided it up til now, because: as a "communications professional," I am forever being inundated with webinars, newsletters, emails, etc etc etcetcetectetdcet about Social Freakin' Media. I promise, it is the buzzword in the communications sector...and I am sick of it! Now, I like my Facebook to keep up with people, but beyond that I just don't like the idea of using the faceless (no pun intended) internet for what I consider to be essentially faux-relationship building. And at the risk of sounding hypocritical, this blog is mainly for catharsis and practice...I'm not exactly trying to find life-long friends here.

I tried to explain this to my father the other day (specifically, telling him I found LinkedIn to be useless to me), at which he point he proceeded to lecture me on how, if I want to advance myself professionally, I really need to learn how to use it (and he would be happy to teach me).

AHHH!

* * *

In other news - this season is the first time I've watched AI in about...mmm, probably four or five years, and I have to say, Jason Castro wins me over just about every time. No hay más remedio.

But until last night, I have never before actually been sad about an American Idol contestant getting the boot. I'm sorry, Michael Johns. And I can't believe I ever used to like Ryan "I'm going to make you think we'll give you a break like at last year's Idol Gives Back, and then crush this falsely-raised hope beneath my Gucci shoe" Seacrest...what a jerk. That's too sensationalist, even for Idol.

Target is creepy

I don't often have occasion to go to Target...partly because I feel this need to not allow myself to get attached to it...like there's something slightly weird about it.

Even before you go into the store (like I had to do today), you see these commercials practically designed to hypnotize you. And then once you get inside the store and make a purchase...I feel like somehow, likely in a very cute way, you are supporting The Man.

Seriously, every time I go into a Target it reminds me of that "Josie & the Pussycats" movie because of the subliminal messages. hah.

Oprah's Big Give - what do YOU think?

"Bundles of CASH...what would YOU do?"
-from "Oprah's Big Give" website

Now, Oprah's Big Give is a new show this season that "defies television convention with the bold idea of people competing to give rather than get."

And I just can't decide what I think about it.

Are some lives being changed for the better? I'm sure of it. Is this something Oprah cooked up because it was a sure-fire ratings coup? I doubt that was the only motivation...I mean, there are obvious pros to the show. I just wonder if the less-obvious cons outweigh them.

Is the "good feeling" produced by the show worth it, or is it just going to be a fad that will fade as does the show's novelty (or existence)? Does it just boil down to yet another an exploitation of the warm fuzzies for the sake of a successful sweeps run?

Similarly, some folks even question the value of American Idol's wildly popular "Idol Gives Back" show, saying that the amount of money spent promoting it isn't justified by the amount donated (though I would insert that SOME money definitely does have to be spent on promotion).

Questions, questions...if you're so inclined to respond, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

listen: porn is *not* okay.

I just have to say this - call it ranting if you like; I call it pleading.

I spend a lot of my time trying to make this world in which I live safer for other women, through helping with self-defense/rape prevention training and through the anti-human trafficking movement (a.k.a., the modern abolitionist movement). So I've become quite familiar with a lot of the stories and the issues that thread their way through the huge problems of sexual assault and sex trafficking (which overlap, of course).

There are a lot of causes for both of these problems, but one that really, really breaks my heart is the porn industry - because there are so many people, good people, who don't grasp the harm they're inflicting by engaging with the porn industry.

It's common, especially in this age of accessibility. It's so common that it's easy to joke about and write off--I know there are plenty of people who don't want to admit it's wrong, and plenty more who seriously don't see the big deal, period. But let me break it down for you:

1) Both the supply of and demand for porn create a need for "talent." Some individuals supply this of their own free will; some do not. Trafficked women and children are sexually exploited every day, in ways that you don't want to imagine, for the sake of sustaining the porn industry (as well as all other markets of the sex industry).
2) Maybe you personally think you respect women, but the porn industry feeds an incredibly dangerous mindset of contempt and disregard for women (again, like all other aspects of the sex industry). This mindset is what allows for unspeakable things to be done to women for the sake of money, pleasure and power.

So to anyone who is a porn consumer, or anyone who is involved with the production of it, I have no condemnation for you here, because I'm a completely imperfect person myself and am in no place to judge you. But what I do have for you here is a plea - please, commit to stop; commit to getting out. Find a way. You're contributing to something so much bigger than yourself. And it's something evil; there's no way around it.

(It's actually a bigger issue than just pornography and even bigger than the sex industry, but I don't have the energy to go into it right now....you can read this post (especially the end) by my friend Traci to see more of what I'm talking about.)

sfjoweghsl&*@#dj

I hope for the sake of The Frames & Marketa Irglova that they have a bunch of fans in the Triangle who can afford these kinds of ridiculous ticket prices, because it would be a disappointment to any artist to have a "sold-out show" in a half-empty theater.

Meymandi has 1,700 seats. They were all sold in less than one week. If that is because there are a lot of people who recognize and appreciate Glen Hansard & Marketa's amazing artistry, then that's okay.

If it is because a bunch of scalpers are trying to capitalize on an Oscar win, and thus effectively separating said Oscar-winners from the people for whom they made the music (aka, people who enjoy it), then that is not okay.

It's not that I'm complaining about missing the opportunity to see some of my favorite musicians. It's that I'm struck with the irony of Glen Hansard's Oscar speech closer, "Make art! Make art!"

...because the trouble is, SCALPERS RUIN ART.

it's official - she's going under the knife!

And under the drill, and...just going under, period. I had already decided that if I liked the Duke ACL specialist I met with on Monday, I'd go ahead and schedule my surgery with him, and that's what happened. I definitely feel like I'm in good hands, and he was also just a nice guy, which is kind of important to me in a doctor for some reason. Plus, they're slightly more innovative in their ACL reconstruction methods there.

It was kinda cool too because the resident who first attended me used to do tae kwon do and had done something similar to his knee, so he understood and was able to help me explain the mechanics of my injury to Dr. Garrett. I think I'm his first kickboxing ACL injury, go me ;) hehe.

Turns out I was correct about my left knee too, which I strained back in December: it was a similar kind of strain, except without the actual tear. I.e., I'm going to insist that my physical therapist work with me on both knees...it only makes sense, since my l. knee didn't have a chance to get back to 100% before I messed up the other one.

Anyway, April 24 is the day!

Kinda weird.

when Sunday School meets real life

The ironic thing about clichés is that, even though we're inclined to disregard them (or even look down on them), the very fact that they're based in truth is why they became clichés to begin with.

A big cliché in the Christian faith is "to surrender"...to surrender your life to Christ, to surrender your problems to God, to surrender what you want and think is best and to trust in the Lord instead.

I've heard that language all my life, literally - but like most of the "Sunday school lessons" I've learned since I was old enough to talk, it's so much more easily said than done.

What does that mean, to surrender? Seriously, what? hah. It's a continual process, I do know that for sure. I mean, there's the beginning, that first decision to trust in God and his promise of redemption...but then it's like the rest of your life is a continual series of chances to keep surrendering...or to hold back, whether you mean to or not. Not that God's redemption is conditional on your being able to keep it together, thank goodness, since there's this little thing called being human that kind of gets in the way sometimes..

But the irony about this is that things have a way of getting so much easier when you "give it up to God," and yet it's pretty hard to do sometimes. really hard sometimes.

melindapoesía.

I think it was sophomore year of college when I started writing poems. Can't say that I would actually call what I wrote back then "poetry," but you have to start somewhere, no?

It's so interesting to go back and re-read your own poems. For some, I know without even thinking what it is that inspired them. And then some of them were clearly (to me) written in times of great internal distress...and yet I have absolutely no idea what they're about. Kind of puts things in perspective!..

I decided to finally put them in one public place - not all of them, but the last few years' worth of finished poems, anyway.

It's been a long while since I've written any. Or written anything at all, for that matter. Not sure why that is, although I suspect it's because my life has been pretty darn good for the past half year or so. Not much apparent need for catharsis, you know.

Of course, if the past month or so is any indication, that may change soon, but that's okay; I enjoy writing and have long since accepted that my (and, probably most people's) inclination and inspiration to write almost always comes from a source of irritation (or worse).

* * *

A couple weeks ago I had the privilege of visiting my dear friend and former pastor and had a fascinating and basically life-changing conversation with him (which somehow always seems to happen when I get to really talk with him). Which I'll probably write about later. Anyway, at one point in our conversation, he recalled a friend telling him, "You are a poet."

To which he replied, "Well, I feel too damn disturbed to be of any use to anybody!"

To which his friend replied, "I've never met a poet who wasn't disturbed!"

Annnd I think that's just fine. Don't believe I could have put it better myself.

let the "games" begin.

As many of you already know, my little knee injury from a few weeks ago turned out to be a torn ACL that requires surgery. And that equals Melinda having a jolly time running to this appointment and that appointment and making this phone call to the insurance company and another call to the insurance company and another call...it's lovely...but something I'm really excited about is I have an appointment on Monday with this guy. He and his nurse are going to "talk with me about their ACL protocol," whatever that means; I just hope it includes "I'd be happy to be your surgeon" because I seriously can't imagine finding better credentials! As a friend told me last night, if you're gonna get hurt, the Triangle is the place to do it. hah :)

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words and encouragement...I'm dealing with the whole idea much better now and am pressing ahead to move this thing along! Of course, the hardest part is potentially a month or two away, yet (the post-surgery rehab). I apologize in advance for the complaining that will inevitably slip past my lips once that starts...but hopefully the attitude I have now will somehow carry me through the coming 6-9 (-12?) months. Because, I am weirdly chipper about the whole thing right now, hah. I think that's because of all the people - including people who just met me! - who are being awesome support with the whole thing. Thanks! :)

a spattering of thoughts

I'm only one week into my doctor-ordered inactivity, and I'm already going stir crazy with boredom...ah me. Three to four days a week of Muay Thai, self-defense and ballet training once upon a time, and now I sit and watch tv and movies all evening. I would write, but my computer is broken, and I would read, but all my books are kind of depressing for some reason. I've definitely got to come up with another plan, because I can almost feel my life wasting away as it gets sucked into that tube of so-called entertainment. There are precious few moments of real, worthwhile entertainment to be had from a television set.

Though, there's something to be said for a season of silence and reflection, but that's a hard, uncomfortable place to go, most times. Which is probably why I should go there. shoot. I'll have to think about that one..

The job isn't so hot right now. I like what I do in and of itself, but lately my position has morphed into something that could only be reasonably handled by two people (which is why I shouldn't be blogging right now). Since I am only one, I'm pretty overwhelmed and frustrated (which is why I am blogging right now). Last night my dad told me that "something is wrong with my job description" if I am ever at a point where I am able to fulfill 100% of my responsibilities. That seems like a jacked-up way of looking at it, but okay. I know this is the "real world," but I still find it strange that people would prefer you to do a bunch of stuff at a mediocre level rather than do fewer things at an excellent level. But that's just me.

Also, I've learned lately (both at and outside of work) that I don't deal with negative people well. As much as I try to shore up myself against the world, I'm still a sensitive person as they say, and have to make a conscious effort not to absorb negativity that is around me. A coworker was, as usual, venting in my office the other day and I told her I couldn't take it anymore and to get out. She thought I was just being funny...I let her think that, but, yeah, I wasn't. hah. I mean, venting is necessary for most of us...but not constantly. yech. I'm thankful most of the people in my life tend more toward the positive....(though I feel compelled to say to my wonderful roommate Emily, I'm sorry you have to bear the brunt of my complaining and whining; I guess I just have to get it out of my system sometimes :P)

One thing Emily and I have complained about regretted together is the lack of community that settles into your life after the undergraduate years. For most of us, college means living 24/7 with constant access to your friends, in some form or fashion...and then suddenly jobs, relocations, marriages and even just laziness get in the way, and before you know it, what was once a simple showing up at your friend's apartment to hang out is now a complex production full of timing issues, rescheduling and cancellations.

I'm surviving just fine without everything else that was great about college...but I do miss the community, I miss the ready fellowship. I'm trying, but it's a difficult thing to recreate.

Annnnd now it's definitely time for me to get back to work! hehe.

When the couch potato dives headfirst into a contact sport...

...there are bound to be some laughs.

Especially when that's all you can do, because you still can't believe it.

As in these days, I laugh all the time (in disbelief/irony/fun/bewilderment) at the fact that I, previously the total non-athlete, have been training in Muay Thai for the past few months, and am loving it.

Prior to that, my physical activity mainly consisted of going to the gym about ten times a year (maybe). I mean, I "played" soccer when I was very little...I did gymnastics (and Jazzercise! yeah!), and tried out for track and volleyball in middle and high school. (Can't really say why, since I hate to run and am no good with a ball...)

And that would be it. Well, that's not totally true - I like walking park trails, I like to play catch with my dad, and my roommate and I are re-learning how to ride our bikes after a decade of un-use...

Hah.

So yeah, every once in a while, I think of how odd it is to find boxing gloves on my hands a few nights a week, and to constantly discover inexplicable bruises and scrapes all over my body.

And being only recently initiated to the active world of which sports-related injuries are a natural part, I find it very strange that this Valentine's day will find me hanging out with an orthopedic surgeon. But, since my right knee is currently quite a different shape from my left knee, that is where I will be.

Not that anyone likes to get hurt, but I have never before been so scowl-on-my-face mad about being injured, because it means I don't get to play for a while...I want to play!!! (er...fight?)

But I'll be back. Muwahaha.

warning: rambling post ahead

GRR, I guess it is just one of those days where you're bound to be in a funk and you just have to be okay with it. Of course, I'm sure I could do something about it if I were, say, on vacation at a luxurious island resort :) But since I'm at the office, I'll have to make do with that.

That didn't make much sense but I don't care too much today!

My brain (or, probably more likely, the human brain) works in such weird ways...last night I finished a book called Marley and Me, a book a journalist published a few years ago about life with his crazy Labrador. I had started the book a few months ago as a lite-lit break from all the heady readings I've been doing lately about social justice and women's issues and such. Anyway, as a fellow dog-lover who has a similarly insane pooch, I unexpectedly ended up loving the book, which is very well written. ANYway, I had been putting off the last chapter for about a month, because I knew what it would contain. And last night I decided that if I couldn't handle it in a book I wouldn't be able to handle it in real life, so I finished it.

And cried my eyes out. Geez. And back to the point about weird-brain-workings, reading about Marley dying (in case you didn't figure that part out) naturally made me think of how much I'll miss my own aging puppy when he leaves us in an inevitably short few years, which made me think and grieve again over my family's loss of my cousin Joanna earlier this year. And continuing into this morning, I'm thinking about the dirty little secrets and disappointing truths about the nonprofit sector that most people outside the NGO world assume don't exist, and about the infuriating (to me) divisiveness that often appears to be the predominant feature of the modern-day Church, and I'm reading about inadequate legislation for labor-and-sex-trafficked victims, and about heartbreaking stories of trafficking, rape and domestic abuse survivors, and non-survivors. And I'm reading the blog update of a little baby girl with frustrating brain tumor treatment, and thinking about the two other women I know fighting the side effects of inoperable brain tumors, and wondering why the husband of one of them--my friend and former pastor--hasn't updated his blog in five days.

Just had to get that out...

The past 12 hours have reminded me of a lesson I learned repeatedly when I worked at the Alliance of AIDS Services - that if you're not careful, you can let yourself get distracted from the good things in life by the seemingly overpowering and overshadowing bad things. It's hard when you're burdened to work for the good, because that often means working in the face of the bad, which can almost seem to sap away your hope sometimes.

But you just can't let that happen; you have to believe with everything you've got that there is always more hope.

(preaching to myself, here.)

Jesus Christ Sold Here!

- from last Sunday's PostSecret: -


I don't really get it, either.

(But I'm sure the folks who manufactured these stickers had no motive other than to seriously impact the world.)

Waste not, want not

So I've been unusually tired of late...yawned my way through an entire meeting this morning (and considering only two other people were part of the meeting, I'm thinking they noticed.)

And a muscle in my right shoulder has been twitching off and on all morning...I can see it jumping maniacally beneath my shirt. I always love it when that happens.

But I'm not buying the "you're getting old" shtick...At seven days shy of my 24th year, I personally think I am barely even approaching my "peak," as depressing people call it. I knowww, everyone says, "once you near 30, you'll understand..."

I doubt that, though. Maybe if I lived in the Middle Ages I would, but come on. Why spend your young years worrying about how they're going to come to an end someday, as if there was something you could do about that?

And to the people who make it sound like your life just goes downhill after age 30 (or 40, or 50), I say: obviously you've not observed enough truly "older" people, because then you would surely see (as I have) that even though some parts of life do get crappier, the parts that get better can more than make up for it. Otherwise, "middle and old age" and "happiness" would be mutually exclusive ideas, which they certainly are not.

On the other end, sometimes I feel pressure to "grow up," to prove that I'm an "adult" (whatever that means). But you know what, I'm a responsible person who contributes to society; so what if I happen to indulge in a little silly girlishness now and then? What is the hurry?

So you can have your regrets and your rushing; I'm not about to waste my youth. Thanks but no thanks.

Don't let your gift cards go to waste!

You know that sometimes you don't get around to using up every last dollar (or any dollars, sometimes!) of all those gift cards...850 Words of Relevant mentioned a neat solution out there:

Gift Card Giver

The National Retail Federation found that 81 percent of Americans received a gift card last year, and TowerGroup says that the gift card industry has become a 45 billion dollar operation. With millions of dollars on gift cards going unspent, GiftCardGiver.com wants to use them to help others. If you have unused gift cards (or cards with just a few dollars left on them), you can write the remaining balance on the card and send it to Gift Card Giver. They’ll distribute them to non-profit organizations that will put them into the hands of people in need.

Resolutions are more like guidelines....

So let's see how I did for the 2007 resolutions I posted in December 2006....

Melinda's 2007 Resolutions

1. actually take care of my car
No; in fact, I have been avoiding my maintenance schedule because I'm afraid of what it will tell me ($). I hope you're not reading this Dad
2. utilize my gym more than once a month
Nope, though with ballet and kickboxing I feel like I started to make up for that (at least in the last few months of 2007)
3. stop being crazy
I at least feel slightly less crazy (the bad kind); I began to embrace the good craziness. There is a difference, my friends.
4. improve my work ethic, at least at work
Reached this in part, if not in full...changing to a job i actually like has helped.
5. find work?
DONE whoo hoo! Why was there a question mark?
6. stop freaking out every time someone gets engaged/married
Pretty much got that one down, maybe.
7. find a way to live in Spain without actually leaving the States
no comment
8. write articles for publications that actually pay
I only wrote one article during 2007, so....maybe 2008 is the year.
9. find a way to take dance lessons again
YES i am a ballerinaaaa
10. really learn to trust in/lean on/listen to the Lord
jury's still out
11. get a loop station and become the next Zoe Keating
got the loop station! have yet to try using it. kind of need an amp first...
12. be a much better friend
oo i think i still have a long way to go
13. learn the constellations
i totally forgot about this one
14. go to Raven Rock at least once
no, dang it
15. own and appreciate the fact that i'm an emotional person
got pretty close I think
16. visit my aunt in New York for Thanksgiving
nope
17. play outside a whole lot more
ahhhh, no
18. learn my cello craft more thoroughly
not so much
19. build and learn to play the hammer dulcimer
uh..
20. visit Portland
right
21. stop pretending I don't care about having "someone special"
actually not sure where I even stand on that any more
22. save $
It probably doesn't count if you foolishly squander it all before you really need it
23. finally decide on a tattoo design
I did get closer, at least
24. learn how to be truly honest
Made a little progress, I hope
25. finish a song i'm proud of
i guess? It's mainly finished.
26. volunteer more
Yes.
27. quit doing brainless things like absent-mindedly poking my thumb into a blade to prove it's dull
um..
28. paint
yes, horrah!
29. live somewhere that is not in the middle of nowhere
YES thank God!!
30. stop thinking of myself as a child instead of a woman
still in progress
31. get "Christmas Shoes" banned from the radio
ha...sorry Mike, wherever you are
32. acquire the art of tact
I don't know how to gauge that....em, Michelle?
33. go on a road trip to somewhere that is not the beach
unless you count going to Charlotte by yourself, i guess not
34. write more letters
not so much
35. visit the mountains
nooo :(
36. finally fix up my bike and see about changing "that one great bike ride memory from 10 years ago" to something a bit more current
fix bike: check! ride bike: I thought about it a lot
37. steadily decrease my need for chocolate, cereal, facebook and desserts and computers in general
I just ate cereal and am currently eating chocolate as I write this. and I already used my computer to look at facebook this morning...so I basically sucked this one up
38. stop buying more home decor than actually fits in my space
yep. moving to a smaller space + running out of $ will do that to you
39. figure out what my book's about
oh....i quit wanting to write a book, so..
40. trip it to DC to see my lovely :)
yep! at least on the side of a business trip, anyway
41. learn how to get the most out of my camera
no, DANG it...
42. somehow finally stage that late afternoon field+cello photo shoot i've seen in my brain for 2 years
no again...dang it.

So, overall, I'm happy that I even did some of these. Perhaps a list of 2008 Guidelines will soon follow...

Enjoy music.

Another take on one of my favorite songs...





I think if I could ever be a part of a song like this, that's as close as I'd come to being able to quit music and live off of that memory forever.

who knew?

I just had an exciting (to me) and potentially important epiphany.

For some odd reason, ever since the sixth grade when I realized I had a modest talent and great love for writing, I have operated under the belief that Writing is this great, monolithic, all-encompassing thing at its core. Either you like "it," you're good at "it," or you're not.

So not true. Duh.

At the spurring on of teachers, I almost considered pursuing a career in journalism, but something always made me hesitate. I always felt that wrapped up in such a career would be many bits and angles that are pretty unappealing to my personality. Probably still true. At any rate, I thought that I could probably do it; I just wouldn't like it.

My day job requires some minor writing for our website, a task I rarely look forward to. That sentiment always perplexed me ("but I love to write!") until, um, this morning, when it occurred to me that nothing's wrong; I just don't like that kind of writing because I'm not good at it...because I don't like it.

I imagine that many years pass before a journalist has the privilege of covering exclusively those topics that he or she really cares about. I can't stand writing about things that don't interest me personally. And so I could never be a journalist, at least not a good one, because I would probably be miserable. Forget perseverance; you can't *truly* excel in something you don't even like. Quality without passion will simply never reach highest quality. At least in my opinion.

My epiphany: There's no shame in that! I used to think that if you called yourself A Real Writer, you should be able to do it all--from news reports to opinion pieces to novels (to poetry, even if just as poetic prose). WHERE did I get such an idea? Let's quash that feeling of inadequacy right there...geez.

Of course, the catch is that if I only ever write about what interests me, that severely limits readership (take this blog for example, or this very post, even...heh). Which means it's unlikely I'll ever get paid a dime for my musings. But I'm okay with that now. It's kind of freeing. :)

bet you can't see it just once

The ONCE DVD is coming out today! Hoorah!

not that you should care. but this is my blog, after all.

So maybe things aren't so shabby these days, artistically speaking...I finally finished the painting I started a year ago, and started another canvas project...I got to have some fun recording in a studio again [I think there are few things as exhilarating and fulfilling as hearing yourself recorded for posterity]...and I'm still on track for making all of my Christmas gifts this year. Can't complain. :)

I came dangerously close to my life becoming boring, though, something that hasn't happened since high school. I've finally reached the point in life where there is no foreseeable "next thing," except the workaday life that will continue on indefinitely (the glamour and excitement of which has worn off since I am no longer really new to this job).

But hopefully I have managed to nip this near-boredom in the bud. I'm going to start kickboxing soon, heck yeah. Ballet and kickboxing, what an odd pair that will make. Maybe I will even put them together and create a new dance craze and make instruction videos.

Melinda's Balletboxing...I can see it now.

come baaaack!

I've said this how many times? Too many, I think, for me to still be able to say it. But I miss the art in my life. It's even more accurate in Spanish, me hace falta -- "it creates a lacking in me." And this vacancy is becoming a serious source of irritation.

My life, especially my creativity, is in danger of being consumed by my job, something which I plan to nip in the bud after this week. Given this is the first job I've ever had that I truly enjoy, I can tell it's something I'll have to be cautious about...which is weird. But what I really care about is getting involved in a church and a home group, and then finding a way to get tapped into--or even better, become a part of--"the artist community" of the United States. Whatever that means. But when you get even the tiniest taste of it, all you want is more. And I want it back. And I definitely want it more.

Racial reconciliation and the Church.

A Voice of Healing

(from 850 Words of Relevant)

The events surrounding what has become known as the Jena 6 case have recently underscored the racial tension in the United States. The story of six African-American high-school students, who were suspected of beating up a white classmate, suddenly became an evening-news fixture as the nation watched the details of the case unfold. Weeks before the fight broke out, several white students hung a noose from a tree at the high school, and tension escalated between the racially divided groups. When prosecutors only brought charges against the African-American youths (and many felt the charges were too severe), protestors took to the streets in the town, and suddenly a racial divide was apparent.

We recently had the chance to speak with Efrem Smith, pastor of Sanctuary Covenant in Minneapolis. Along with fostering a multiethnic community at his church, Smith hosts the Time for Reconciliation radio show and speaks on the topic of racial reconciliation.

What’s the vision of your church?
The vision of our church is a Christ-centered community that is multiethnic, that is urban, that is relevant and that is holistic, and that we would equip people in the city to be salt and light, and to be salt and light in a way that it reaches the hurting and the lost.

What are the biggest challenges the Church is facing right now in order to get to racial reconciliation?
Well, churches have to first—and it starts with leadership—come to the understanding that we live in a racialized society that in many ways is a distraction and goes against the kind of community that Christ makes possible through His death and resurrection. Sociologists say and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that Sunday morning at 11:00 is the most segregated hour in America. We have to see the Gospel message as wanting to do something about that and as going against that racialized norm of our society.

What are your expectations for the next generation coming up in the Church?
Well, I think that in this generation, in the emerging generation, there is a hunger, a desire, a genuine felt need for something other than what our grandparents and parents grew up in, in terms of a very rigid racial, racialized society rooted in individualism. And I expect this generation of youth and young adults especially to forge new identities and a new reality of what community is, and how we live life in an ever-increasing multiethnic, multicultural world.

What do you think the Church’s reaction should be to something like the Jena 6 case?
I think that the Church needs two things when you look at a situation like the Jena 6 situation. One is, the Church needs to be a voice of healing, of unity, of peace, of forgiveness. We need to uplift those things that I think are the real fruits of the spirit and that really model the work of Jesus Christ when He walked the earth.

The second thing, though, is the Church has to be prophetic and be honest that racism is still an injustice that has not gone away. And I think that there’s a segment—not all, but there’s a segment—of European Americans who live in a place of privilege and don’t recognize that race is still a very important issue in our country.

Is there a way to get that certain segment to recognize what’s going on?
Yes. I think that when we realize that based on Matthew chapter 1, the genealogy of Jesus, that Jesus walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. He wasn’t white. You can’t just make Him all African either, but He walked the earth as a multiethnic human being. When we realize that the first Christian community and church as we know it was multiethnic, and when we also realize and understand that the place we’re going to live eternally, heaven, is multiethnic, then I think we’re able to question, Well, then, why have we lifted up a Christ, a Church and a Gospel that is fundamentally Eurocentric in nature and Westernized? And when you’re not able to acknowledge that and deal with that, putting limits on how we view Jesus and how we view the Church, how we view the Good News, the Gospel message—I think when we understand them, we’ll get a better understanding of why the continued racial tension and issues that we see arise in something like the Jena 6 situation.

How do you think Christians need to react to encounters with racism?
Well, I think the very first counteractive move you can make against racism is to have authentic, deep, meaningful relationships with people of a different ethnicity. That you share meals with them, you share stories with them and you’re engaged in relationships with people that are different than you. That’s the most important move, that you’re truly loving your neighbor across racial lines as yourself. Because really, for that commandment to have meaning—because we’re in a racialized society—we have to say, “Love your neighbor across race as yourself” for that commandment to truly have meaning and power in our world today.

I think from that authentic relationship across race—loving your neighbor—it’s going to develop in you a compassion and a sensitivity to not tolerate racism, whether it’s institutional or individual. I think without a deep friendship, relationship across race, it’s hard to develop the proper sensitivity to speak out and act out against racism, whether it’s individual or institutional.

Author: Harbor Partin

Defenders of the...feminine

I find it very ironic that, as a woman, I have never been passionate about women's issues. I'm certainly not an all-out feminist by modern standards, though by virtue of the fact that I'm a woman, there are naturally certain things I have strong opinions about...but not passionately so, for the most part.

And then this summer, I started taking classes in the Bushido Judo School's Women's Self-Defense program, and all of a sudden I find myself wildly taken up with the cause of women's safety and protection. My instructor, a man of course (it doesn't do much good to practice beating up on a woman), possesses a more acute sense of respect for women than almost anyone I've ever met, and it occurred to me: he's a man! I'm a woman; where's my sense of honor and love towards my fellow woman?

And so I've gotten on a kick (though I hope it's more than that) of advocacy for women's safety...it hasn't paid off too well with the women I already know, sadly. Most of my friends smile and say "yeah, that class sounds like a good idea," but I haven't been able to convey the importance of it yet. I guess it will take time, and understandably. Four months ago I was an ambivalent bystander, more or less, and only signed up for one class because I knew my mom would continue to harass me if I didn't. Hey, if harassment is what it takes to get the women I care about into a place where they better know how to protect themselves, I don't mind the job. And to anyone riding the fence, I'd like to say: you really don't know what you've been missing all this time until you go. Trust me.

In the meantime, I'm considering becoming a volunteer for Interact of Wake County, which "provides safety, support, and awareness to victims and survivors of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault." This is not the garden-weeding, kitchen-cleaning, boutique-fundraiser-cashiering I'm used to doing...this is really investing myself in the lives of people who have been hurt. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't really intimidate me, but to be honest, I think it's time I grow up. I say I want a "better world," and that I want to "share the love of Christ," but playing it safe isn't going to help any of that to happen.

embracing my inner 16-year-old

So lately I have noticed that I have been getting (perhaps in response to a total lack of real candidates in my life?) silly little middle school crushes all over the place these days. And by all over the place I mean three, but three at once is two more at once than ever before, and three more than most times (did you get all that?) No, no identities will be given, since you don't know them anyway -- heck, I don't even know two of them (and never will...trust me. Thus, silly girl.)

Anyway, me and my analytical self have coped with feeling like I've reverted back to the typical girlhood I never actually had by realizing there are valuable lessons to be learned...at least in terms of recognizing what is attractive to me in guys. Well, recognizing isn't perhaps the best word, as I pretty much already knew. Better "reinforcing," maybe--reinforcing the fact that there are some things that attract me no matter how much I wish they didn't, or how glad I am they do.

Basically, and here comes the personal ad, I'm attracted most intensely to men* who are genuinely seeking to thrive in a relationship with Christ above all else. That relationship is the most important thing to me personally, so it follows. That's one of the attractions I'm grateful for, along with: guys who proactively honor and respect women, are patient, have an easygoing and good-natured sense of humor (though the more ironic and witty the better), get along well with all kinds of people, love the outdoors...and that's as far as my brain goes for now..

The rest fall in both the "I'm glad" and "I wish they didn't" categories, because haven't you noticed that what attracts you most in a person so often tends to become expressed in a manner that actually drives you away? Yes: guys who have an artistic spirit (especially in music and/or poetic and prosaic writing...kindred spirit, you know), are self-assured and confident, are slightly smarter than me in some ways, haven't had a perfect life, have strong convictions, are socially conscious, mentally flexible, introspective...and bigger than me (yes, it somehow doesn't seem to happen much and so I sometimes regret that one :P).

So if you meet all of these, you can call me at (919) 60--just kidding.


*(I'm TRYING to learn to say men instead of guys....it's not easy....not to be mean, but it's difficult for me to consider any male under the age of 30 as a "man"...probably because it's difficult for me to consider any female under the age of 30 as a "woman")

Lo Perdido

So I've been exploring and experiencing the concept of loss for a while, both theoretically and practically. One thing I've learned is it's all about perspective - for example, I felt the truly panicky impact of impending financial loss when I impacted the side of my brother's truck into the drive-thru menu at Burger King this weekend. But as I suddenly remember that my cousin would have turned 25 today were it not for the drunk driver who caused her life to end four and a half months ago, I am recalled to a much more profound sense of loss. And even that is more far-reaching than I can imagine, from her fiancee who is trying to pull his life back together to the drunk driver's young child whose mother sits in jail awaiting trial.

Not that I think I should always consider the fact that "it could be worse" -- "it will get better" is a much more rosy approach -- but I'll admit, that's often one way of how I get through things.

Loss is a part of life -- it just happens. How do we deal with it? The answer to that is, naturally, incredibly telling of the person we are at our very core.

And the ruminations will continue next time...

me pregunto...

So I wonder how a person goes about getting a little numb, mainly as it seems that's what I've gone and done. Not totally numb, mind you, but just enough to notice. Just enough to notice that there's nothing really driving me right now except the fact that I have a new job and am soon to have a new place in a (sort-of) new city. And God knows I never wanted anything like that to be "what drives me." And I know I won't stay in that place...but still, it makes me wonder what it's gonna take to leave it.

a word is dead?...

So, back in the days when I felt compelled to spill my guts onto the internet, I longed for the day when I would be too busy with life to be bothered with it.


Now that day has come, I'm not so sure how I feel about it.


I haven't written a blog post, a poem, an article, nothing - in SOO long..
I haven't done any non-wedding-related music in even longer...
I haven't painted anything in about half as long.


I don't know how much more I can bear a schedule that stifles the creative urges....Either something's gotta change, or I'm going to have to resort to caffeine pills and not sleeping. Simple as that.

i'm done, apparently

I just forgot how old I was. Literally -- I just had a moment when knowledge of my age was necessary, and I experienced a few seconds of "twenty-two or twenty-three? twenty-two or twenty-three?"

I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many, many more years to come.

ON SINGLENESS yeah that's right.

[sparked by that question every woman loves to hear from her mother, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Gotta love it.]

In college, dating was by no means something I was disinterested in, but neither was it much of a priority (if you knew me then, I know you're just shocked). I always wondered why I didn't get all crazy and weepy about my lack of a love life, because it seemed like most girls who likewise didn't have one were at least pining for one, but I didn't exactly feel that way. Which was fine with me.

Come graduation, though, that story sure did change - suddenly my friends were getting married, and I wanted to, too! For the first time in my life, I was *not* okay with being alone. I wanted somebody to "share my experiences with" (okay, so part of my motive was honestly just to have someone to cushion the impending blow of the Real World)...plus "everyone" I knew was getting married, and it was contagious. I like weddings...but eventually, after five or six in a year....you start...to..get a little....antsy..

Now a year out, I'm tumbling around somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I'd love to be married four or five years from now, which means dating someone important...like..soon, but I'll admit, I really like being single right now...maybe too much. I don't know. Between work and, well, more work, I feel like I barely have enough time for myself as it is, and the idea of fitting someone else into my life-space doesn't even seem conceivable. And lets face it, boys make girls crazy and I like my crazy at the manageable level it's currently at, thank you. Plus, if ever there was a committment-phobe, I Am She. As in, I have a hard time committing to even just being nice to a guy, much less anything more....stop laughing and nodding, Michelle. Plus...I know everyone has neuroses, but I'm particularly afraid of mine, and am still trying to find a balance between working them out and understanding that I never completely will.

That said, I know about God's timing and all that (so now you can forget that comment you were going to leave), and it just happens that I've never once thought of myself as being one of the rare "called to lifelong singleness" ones - I pretty much know I'm going to be married. It's just a matter of when. 27, 30 or 37? My mid-fifties, never-married aunt looks to be nearing Marriage Land, which is so great! But I really don't want to wait that long.

When my mom popped the question, I gave her a flippantly exhasperated "I don't know, Mom," then backed up with my standard, "because my church and neighborhood consist of college students, at work there are only women and gay men, and basically all my guy friends are married or almost so." Which, of course, paints a picture of it having nothing to do with me or my own choices...which is not the real case. I've played a big role in my current status, for better or for worse.

Funny, I don't really know how to end this. Which is appropriate, I guess.

I recommend to YOU:

I highly encourage anyone and everyone to read this book. I'm not even going to try to explain why or what my motives are, but rather will simply say: just go read it! I'd like to think it will change your life...even if only a little.

I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this though, but if you do, AND if you happen to be wondering why I never post real posts anymore, it's because I'm currently scrambling to simultaneously finish out my apprenticeship and find a new [read: real] job. I've temporarily had to forfeit (seems like) just about everything else going on in my life, which is a bummer. But I think exciting new turns are just around the corner; definitely not a bummer! If things work out how I'd like, this summer will find me back living full-time in Raleigh for the first time in five years...I'm muy emocionada :)

[= excited...but I do get emotional about it all too; what can you do, I'm a girlllll.]

:)

Oh and also, I must add a totally unrelated random bit, or else this wouldn't be a true Melinda post: apparently they've been together for a while, but I just today saw on la tele that John & Jessica are a couple. Now, either Jessica Simpson has for years successfully executed one of the most brilliant image acts of all time for commercial gain, or John Mayer is less of a man than I thought he was.

actually, I think the latter must hold true either way...boo, john. And I kind of liked some of your music, too...now it is a tainted like.