a bit of comedy for your pleasure

or perhaps more nonsense than anything; I suppose I might be easily amused :)

For one, the News and Observer, for all its roots in Southern propriety, is not so proper as to be above hosting a column lauding a certain article of masculine apparel. Yes, this past week "Check It Out," quite often my favorite part of the paper for its endearing tongue-in-cheekiness, was dedicated to the passing of a beloved and loyal jockstrap (in two segments, mind you).

Moving along, I recently decided that it is absolutely necessary that I take care of the formidable stack of dirty laundry piling up in my room, as my heart quite jumped into my throat one night when I turned out the light to go to bed and for a second thought there was a person crouching in my room, upon seeing the silhouette which darkened my window.

Lastly, I wouldn't be surprised if Cary, North Carolina, is one of the few places in the country where one can go to a movie and choose bewteen nearly a dozen types of beer, four types of gourmet cookies, and red or white wine. Oh and gourmet coffee, of course.

Speaking of the movie, I absolutely loved Pride and Prejudice, even though it departed from the book quite a bit more than I had anticipated (which, to be sure, was not even close to how far off the vast majority of book-inspired movies are). At any rate, lovely movie; bordered on the brink of a level of unlikely romanticism beyond even my taste, but never quite got there, fortunately. I think I would be hard-pressed to find any boy or man who could tolerate it without making fun, and equally pressed to find any girl or woman who wouldn't enjoy it thoroughly.

Annnd my dad has just informed me that I have somehow managed to lock myself out of my bedroom, and that he's having quite a time trying to jimmy it open. Oops.

Driven to Distraction...hopefully

downside of iPod: assists in reminding one of all the shows one wants to see but probably can't/won't

ohh COLDPLAY come BACK!




* * *


i miss everyone



especially right now my dear future-fellow-crazy-cat-lady Sarah who in four short days is leaving all of us behind in NC :(
i mean, grad school? who does that? ;)

So, :

Take these shoes / Click clacking down some dead end street / Take these shoes / And make them fit / Take this shirt / Polyester white trash made in nowhere / Take this shirt / And make it clean, clean / Take this soul / Stranded in some skin and bones / Take this soul / And make it sing / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, Yahweh / Still I'm waiting for the dawn / Take these hands / Teach them what to carry / Take these hands / Don't make a fist / Take this mouth / So quick to criticise / Take this mouth / Give it a kiss / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, Yahweh /Still I'm waiting for the dawn / Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up / The sun is coming up on the ocean / This love is like a drop in the ocean / This love is like a drop in the ocean / Yahweh, Yahweh / Always pain before a child is born / Yahweh, tell me now / Why the dark before the dawn? / Take this city / A city should be shining on a hill / Take this city / If it be your will / What no man can own, no man can take / Take this heart / Take this heart / Take this heart / And make it break


For whatever reason this song is just striking a chord with me right now [as i listen to it on my IPOD, aka the gift from Justin the Incredible Brother...not that he wasn't already. :) ] ....haven't heard it in awhile, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Which of course is none too hard to do, apparently, looking at the last 12 months and how they have both brought back a resurrection of my juvenile sappiness (which i thought had abandoned me a few years ago) and also engendered what i guess might be called growing pains...

It's been a weird Christmas break...new house, new traditions, less family in town, last Christmas break, last Christmas at "home" period, thoughts on graduation, closer to graduation, "real life" approaching (or encroaching, depending on how generous and adult I'm feeling), oh crap. And oh joy.

Etc. etc. etc. = tip of iceberg, naturally, but anyway...in spite of my normal Christmastime fanaticism of every single year I can remember since my birth, the Christmas spirit seemed not inclined to visit me until the actual day was already half over. Very, very strange. I guess I attribute some of this to the above reasons.

In keeping with my normal blogging habits, i'm not going to get around to half of what i even intended to write about because A) It would probably not be nearly as interesting as i think B) i'm tired.


To continue my iPod commentary (hmmm...this could be fun...everyone should try to identify the songs I refer to on here occassionally, and then readers you may or may not know will be oh-so-impressed with your musical savvy and probably want to meet you, they'll be so impressed...It might even be as fun as CatchPhrase, the ultimate party game.): anyway, so girls may indeed speak in code, but boys speak in rhythm?? What? I'm, like, sooo not even gonna go there. And if you have to ask, then I'm so not telling you; you should just know.

Sheesh.

10 days

...must certainly be a personal record of non-postedness, excepting, perhaps, Costa Rica.

I am glad that i have not missed the lack of high-speed internet, though. This lack of regret is partially due, of course, to the opportunity I have seized to indulge in frivoulous, non-edifying reading (i.e., not related to school, theology, or philosophy). God bless you, Gutenberg...

And it's back to work at the store tomorrow, cutting into my laziness but bringing a welcome financial relief.

I'm so glad i'm not going anywhere for Christmas this year. I'd like to enjoy my last one at home, in more than one sense...

I'm only indirectly a fan of change, I think, in that I'll admit to its great merits but still fight against the discomfort it brings.

These four weeks will be the longest period of time I will ever live inside this new house. How odd.

To thine own self be true.

...And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou cans't not be false to any man.

Hamlet



Just a little thought of the day. There are many more, of course, but final exam week inherently precludes pithy posts ;)

In the midst of this day/week that is essentially the most impossible of my semester, given everything I'm supposed to accomplish, I just had a $250 civil penalty cleared. At least internally, I'm ecstatic. I needed that so much...

I am continuously grateful that God sees fit that little pieces of hope and encouragement pop up just when you need it most--a random kind word from a friend, a good test grade, an extension on a deadline, $250 that you don't go further into debt...

Phew. Praise God.

once again i have demonstrated that how i think i did on a test is usually the opposite of how i actually did



(i hate complaining on here, but if you can't do it here, where can you?)

I think i've been more academically frustrated this semester than any other....i used to get picked on for being the "smart kid"....those days are long past...and i know i could try a lot harder, but these days, when i DO try hard, i still get mediocre results :/

it's funny, but now that the end of schoolwork is actually on the horizon, i loathe having to do it a HECK of a lot more than before...here's another item to go on my list for why i'm finally ready to get out of here.

It'd probably help, too, if i actually thought my classes were worth anything to me this semester. But alas, they are not turning out to be so. Quite a disappointment. Here's hoping for a good final semester...

Sleepless

I'm supposed to be resting, but once again my brain has demonstrated that it can't allow this until it has been unpacked; ergo, here I am.

The last few days I've come to the conclusion that essentially, mine has been quite a backwards conversion experience.

When I "accepted Christ," I was young, about 10 years old. There was no struggle, no guilt, no wrestling to understand; the decision was expected, in a sense, given my familial background, but it was also sincerely meant. It was simple, and entirely unemotional. To be sure, the full significance of what I had done could not have been truly felt, given my youth, but as much as any 10-year-old could have been, I was aware of what I was doing.

I remember thinking, for most of my childhood and adolescence, that I no testimony. I had always heard the extreme dark-to-light type testimonies, and thought that since mine was so much simpler and non-life-changing (*at that point), I really didn't have that much to work out or talk about. After all, I came from a Christian background, was a good kid, and my "official" (i.e., verbal) placement of trust in Christ really hadn't changed much of the way I lived, because there really was no "darkness" for me to come out of, so to speak.

Fortunately for me, that did not remain to be true. I think God has propelled my life in such a way that over the course of time, I eventually came into my own kind of darkness that I needed to allow myself to be saved from. High school brought some heady issues to the forefront of my life which were to be the backdrop for a lot of my searching later on, although I was still yet to really face anything truly difficult (or so hindsight revealed). With my entrance into college came a lot of questioning, which I welcomed as necessary; I've been very glad to actually be formulating my own opinions and beliefs rather than accepting, without challenge, everything I've been taught. Not to say I've rejected what I've been taught (although that has happened on occasion), but I've been coming into an understanding of why I believe what I believe. I imagine most thinking young adults go through this.

Coupled with this questioning mindset, my extremely introspective nature has drawn me into many realizations about myself over the past few years...realizations that have produced a lot of self-doubt, a lot of guilt, and a drop in my confidence in who I am. Warrented or not, those are still things I struggle with now; in fact, a lot of it has really surfaced this semester and come to a defining point, as I find myself fighting more than ever to see myself as God sees me.

I've never been in a place where I've doubted my salvation; the cognitive reality of God's gift of grace is something I've never had cause to question. But it's as if over a decade later, that decision I made to accept grace is just now coming to fruition, as I work out the idea of it all with fear and trembling, and as I struggle to take hold of it for myself and believe in its total redemption...It's strange, too, to know the ultimate ending of the story, and yet still be living in the midst of the irresolution of it.

It has been an intriguing, painful, humbling, and beautiful process. It continues to be so still...

a thrill of hope

I am sick but surrounded by Christmas spirit and it's loverly :)



Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth

...Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born!

outlet parte dos :)

Restless is a welcome state,
if wisdom reigns
and movement's truly prized above complacency
It can wake you from a worthless slumber of complacency

Restless is a friend, a foe
I know it grows me,
though contradiction hides itself inside:
Would I skirt it if I found I could?
No doubt I'd try, in spite of what I've learned

Restless is a dull old tune
Annoying, nagging,
waiting, always waiting,
for that something new which only sometimes comes

Restless is a question mark
Sparking rich anticipation into our bones
as we grope about for light in inky dark
Who knows what light some new day dawning surely brings?

Restless is a common place
Unbiased, bonding every soul with common fate of wandering
(Go ahead, just have a thought, a single care,
and it is sure to find you there among your thorns and petals--
Dare not hope for an escape)

Restless is an angry word,
fighting for its suicide
Yet knowing life denies this,
every
single
time

*sigh*

I wish my life weren't so busy...



I really miss having more time to fellowship with friends...the time is approaching when we will go our separate ways, and I want to be able to do a better job of making the most of the remaining time.

ok i can't help but be a sap about it--sue me.

i like artistic outlets...

Your face seeking truth
so close to mine
I'd rather not lie to you
But the truth is, I don't know what I'm doing
Such undefined sense of duty,
lines shrouded in ambiguity--
It's doubtful time will remedy entirely
those potential discrepancies
between what is right and what I do
I doubt you mind, I doubt you know,
I doubt you realize I don't know
what I should be doing
But bonds are strengthening all the while,
in spite of weak grasp of duty
So I'm clambering to somehow continue
whatever it is I do that's right
So that I might have a hope of being true to you

rambling: my specialty

i just got an image in my head of what my life is like right now: me, tripping along a sea of shifting mini tectonic plates...i wish you could see what i see right now because it would probably make you laugh. But there's nary a stable step; i always have to watch where i'm going, because if i don't, i won't be standing for long. and it gets the best of me sometimes; a lot of times it doesn't; and sometimes i don't much care that things are moving out from under my feet at all and i just let myself fall down, letting the shifting ground carry me where it will.

My life works like this. I think it always will, but it is just much more pronounced at this period of my life [well, i'm sure that it's more pronounced for just about every senior on the brink of graduating from life as he or she knows it... i always forget my experience is not so very exclusive to me :)]. I learn new things every day, I change my mind all the time, unexpected things bodyslam me and knock the wind out, unexpected things plop themselves into my lap and laugh at how amazed i am by their beauty. Everything shifts, everything always changes. Thank goodness our Father is nothing if not constant, because i might go crazy if He weren't.



Grace's CameLink launched today, a ministry of sorts that puts the college students in touch with the families...since those are pretty much the two biggest groups at our church. And i am thrilled that this is finally coming about. Michelle and Mary Jane and I have been working through a lot to get this thing off the ground, and i cannot describe to you the sense of fulfillment and joy i have to see this really, actually happening. I really believe it is going to be very good for this church. Praise God!!!!!!!!!!



On a final note, I am quite confused about my role....my role in my relationships with friends, and with family. And my role in my future--what the hell am i doing? With any of this? Whoops there i go starting to write what's really in my head; i best watch out. Can't shock too many people at once. :) But back to roles--I probably should get used to uncertainty in this context, since there is sure to always be a measure of it in my life.



Lied, this is my final note: I was watching Smallville with my dad Thursday, and this Kryptonian was talking about the duplicity of humans. I remembered how i used to think, "oh, duplicity...such a lamentable vice of those non-Christians..." Now, fortunately, i don't kid myself anymore, and very much recognize how a Christian faith and duplicity are not at all mutually exclusive. I'd suggest that if all of us actually lived out our lives as we truly are internally, everyone would have a lot to be shocked about. And so, once again, I thank God for His liberal and undeserved grace that frees, not because it gives us license to do whatever we want, but because it both cleanses and allows for mistakes. If that makes any sense. It grows us. Grace is alive; it continually redeems...i suppose that's sanctification, isn't it?


I've wandered into realms in which i am unqualified to continue, at least on 3 hours' sleep. Plus: it's just time to shut up, period. This has been an unedited, stream-of-consciousness spillling of my brain, something i don't allow to reach the internet very often. If you bothered to wade in this far, I salute you (or maybe question your time management skills?...)

Goodnight.

[tonos opuestos]

Qué glorioso era ese fin de semana…¡y la cosa más gloriosa es que apenas lo ha comenzado! Es una cosa maravillosa no tener clases los viernes…pude ir a mi casa (bueno, realmente, es la casa de mis padres) en Raleigh anoche, y pasar tiempo con mi abuelita hoy…no le he visto en casi un año. Me siento como debe ser domingo por la noche…pero qué dicha, sólo es viernes :)

No sé que hacer con mi español…está disminuyendo, yo sé, por la falta de usa…esto lamento muchíííísimo. Tengo un poco de un don, me supongo, en comparación con todos los cuales que no lo hablan…pero…no soy prodigio. Sé que si continuo así, hay un posibilidad que lo perderé completamente, más o menos—he oído de eso pasando. No lo suporto…no puedo permitir que eso pase :(

¿Pero que hacer? Quizás abandonaré mis planes de pos-graduación (espera…...¡no hay! aun mejor), me mudaré a un país hispanohablante, y me casaré con un nativo…eso es mi sugestión.

tienen otros?

EEEEK

time is flying by too fast
and i feel like deadlines creep up on me almost every day now
and the room of my floor is suffocating from the junk covering it
and my bed never stops calling my name
and i don't think i've been to the gym in over a month and a half
and i must do my laundry soon before i find myself with no pants
and there are always so many places to go and things to be done


promises to keep?
miles to go before i sleep?

you could say that again (maybe...every night)




and to top it all off, i'm homesick, which i think has happened only one other time in my entire college career...good thing i'm going home tomorrow :)

Things that make you go ____________

At this moment, a dear and old friend of mine is on her way to the funeral of another good friend of hers. Her friend was killed this past Saturday morning by a hit-and-run driver coming down the wrong way on a one-way road...She was coming home from her late-night shift at the hospital where she worked.

I just found out the guy has turned himself in, which has gotten me thinking about it all again. It's so weird...They'd been friends since the fourth grade, grown up in church together, and then suddenly there's no more. I'd met her. It's difficult to wrap your brain around the idea that a person doesn't exist on Earth anymore, especially someone as young as myself, so I can hardly imagine what the people who were close to her are going through.

It's made stranger by the fact that this whole incident has called to mind a night about eight years ago, when I found out that my best friend had died from an asthma attack. That was even more surreal for me...it had been about a year since my family had moved from San Diego to Raleigh, and I was watching the Stargate movie with my parents when I got a call from a friend I hadn't talked to since we'd left...in fact, I hadn't talked to anyone since we'd left, not even Jennifer. Just silly juvenile flippancy, I guess.

But I sure didn't know how to respond then. I was only 13, and hadn't yet had those deep experiences that serve to connect your soul to someone else's, but still, I knew that she had been my best friend. And even though the cross-country move had diminished my chance of ever seeing her again, that night and that phone call blew it out of water entirely.

Everyone has those moments that are indelibly etched into their memory, those patches of time whose details are raised above the surface of every other normal day...I remember talking to my friend Anya about our other friends, and wondering if she thought badly of me for being able to change the subject from Jennifer so quickly (I mean, what is a 13-year-old supposed to do with that?). I remember wondering why I didn't cry...and I remember doing crunches later that night and suddenly bursting into tears. I remember thinking, in my little-stained 13-year-old mind, that I would be tortured for life because I would remember her every time I heard her quite-common name, or heard anything about Stargate (which in my house, was every week).

And I remember that this did not happen. Pretty quickly life went on as normal--the whole event settled into the back of my mind, not a very deeply-wounding event because of the distance (not just physically, but also temporally). But it still was surreal then, just as it always is now whenever sparked into remembrance for whatever reason.

The loss of a "loved one," as our society has labled it--something from which I have been spared thus far...though it has always, for as long as I can remember, been my greatest fear. Not heights, not spiders, not failure, not death (my own, anyway)...the thought of the loss of a person dear to my heart is about the only thing that truly saps the life out of my own. Funny though, that this has diminished with age...I guess that only makes sense.

Done reminiscing...just want to say, a mi amiga mayor de Carolina del Norte, te amo, chiquita, tengo suerte por tener tu amistad...hang in there.

LEA!

I want to read more, but more importantly, I need to read more. I have a fear that when I graduate I will feel quite inadequately educated with regard to many things.

I want to read a lot more theology and philosophy because there are so many ideas out there I've barely even tasted, as they've only been flashed at me in little spurts over the past few years. I want to be exposed to so much more, and actually have time to sift through it and try to understand it. (On my own time, though...not in a classroom.)

I want to read a lot more fiction, too, because I dearly miss the richness of the imagination that overflows from a good novel--the freedom you can bask in when the author takes your mind captive and ushers you into another world altogether. ooooo i miss it.

Sometimes I just wish I had the machine they used on the Matrix to download masses of information into your brain in no time at all...that would take care of the theology and philosophy i want to know, so that i could have all the time in the world to spend on fiction...to catch up on the classics, indulge in the frivolous, and enjoy the contemporary.

Funny how reading was the first thing i was ever passionately interested in, since kindergarten, and it's such a small part of my life now...stupid college.

it'd be nice if i don't end up just living for the weekend. here's hoping.

I got caught singing in the shower again this morning; Pocahontas this time. Why oh why do i have to live right next to the lobby?

I am sad i will be missing Switchfoot and EiSLeYyyyy this weekend, which is partly my fault, in a way, but not entirely. I will have to keep thinking about the Mae/Mutemath concert in a couple of weeks to keep this weekend's test-studying, pig-pen-aka-my-room-cleaning, brochure and website-designing, and mountains-of-clothes-laundering drudgery from getting too annoying.

I've had one really good conversation so far to kick off the weekend; it's nice to have people think outloud for you sometimes. Or, well, a lot of times. keep it coming, people.

love blinds

[it's a curious thing, the brain. amazing how many contradictory ideas it can hold at once.]


I've realized of late just how much i tend to think of my dearest friends as, for lack of a better word, perfect. As in, for some foolish reason, i'm always surprised to find that my friends do stupid things, hurt people, hurt themselves, have their priorities screwed up, are selfish, immature, etc....especially when i realize that it's nothing new; they've always been like that, to an extent.

(No, nothing particular "triggered" this. And please don't be offended. If you know me well, you know that when I am being blunt, I am the furthest from being flippant or mean-spirited. I just prefer to speak the truth as i see it, which tends to be in a much more positive light than people sometimes realize..)

Okay, no more danged disclaimers. What i mean is that, even though i know i personally do/am all the above things at one time or another, i love my friends so much and think so highly of them that i basically think they can do no wrong. Some of you know how i put people up on pedestals seen through rose-colored glasses and all that (yeah, i know you know...because i otherwise wouldn't have ever been lectured for it ;)). But the truth is, i have all of you on pedestals.

But...now that I'm realizing this about myself, i'm not coming to any bitter disappointment of any sort, not by any means. When my friends' humanity comes through, it's almost like that makes me appreciate them even more. As little sense as that makes.



But

"it was a blessed day / the day that i met you"

...pretty much expresses my reigning sentiment, if nothing else in this post makes sense.



I've a bad feeling that a number of you, if not all, won't really get what i mean with most of this. I'm really having trouble articulating what is passing through my mind tonight.

what can we do? and how do we do it?

i'm speaking in general, universal terms, really.

click on the lower right-hand link that pops up


and ptiheinnske

(you can hardly help it, anyway)

I wasn't feeling well last night, so instead of partaking in any All Hallow's Eve festivities I holed up in my room and in keeping with Reformation Day, I watched Luther. I would very much like to recommend this to everyone (watching Luther, not holing up), whether they believe in Christ or not.




To change the topic entirely, I present you with: A Breakdown of Melinda's Eve-of-Graduation Sentiments


Logical Melinda: 100% Agreement
Emotive Melinda: 35% Agreement
65% Kicking and Screaming




That is all. Thank you.

glimpses

every once in a while when i'm out and about in the world, this weird thing comes over me where i'll look at the person i'm passing, or see someone through the window of their house, or their car....or maybe i'll read a random blog of someone i rarely talk to or haven't talked to in ages, or hear a piece of a conversation as i walk by a table...and i'll wonder what's going on in their head, what hidden secrets are laying waste of their hearts, or what quiet joys they are treasuring, or if they are bored, or if they are having a pithy realization about something profound

or whatever.

i don't know why it's strange, but it is, when i remember that everyone else's life is just as detailed as mine. like the individuals outside my own immediate world just aren't very real or full to me unless i make a conscious effort to remember them as such.

i know that made very little sense at all, but that's often what comes out naturally, unlike the semi-premeditated structured cheese found in the post below. when i don't rein it in, my brain flies around illogically, irrationally, and most of all non-linearly, just to spite me sometimes, i think :) but i kinda like it like that (most times) because it keeps me entertained..


definitely going to stop the rambling now




----------EDIT-------------------------------------

ps, i've noticed my readers pretty much *suck* at commenting...does that mean i'm supposed to comment on other people's more? or just make more friends who are as stuck on blogging as myself...

On Living

"Life is hard."

I learned that from Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled, in my Ethics in Mass Media class on Monday, September 20. Just kidding...that was a part of the day's lecture, but obviously, no one needs a book to tell you life's hard--to make that observation, all anyone's got to do is live.

The thing is, I could never trade these three words. Not for the world.

An easy life, to me, speaks of a life devoid of growth--a stagnant life characterized by complacency and missed opportunities. An isolated, glassy pool, placid, calm, unrippled by wind or creature, entirely still. Imagine floating on that...no dangers, no worries, with complete and unfettered serenity.

After a while, though, I imagine we would start to get bored. After a little bit longer of a while, we would notice (or maybe we wouldn't notice it right away?) a growing feeling of weakness, muscles that give way far too easily after such a lack of use. Our brain would begin to haze in the absence of stimulation. Our heart would begin to numb over, begin to forget what it was like to feel, it hadn't been touched in so long.

Now picture yourself thrashing about in a tumultuous, storm-struck ocean. Again, your muscles seem weak beyond reason, but that's because you've been fighting just to keep your mouth and lungs from filling up with water. The waves tower, they terrify, they crash down upon your head with little reason and even less mercy. All you can think about is the shock of bright blue that you know will come soon, because you remember it; you've seen it before.

And then it finally does. Clouds part and are swiftly shattered by warm, inviting rays; that bright blue sky fills your soul with wonder and relief, and you rejoice at the amazing feeling that can only come after fighting such a storm. You're sore, maybe, and surely tired, but you know you have grown stronger for it.

And there is no lack of stimulation, here in this particular ocean. Some days you'll explore all the experiences to be had in its rolling waters; some days you'll just lie on your back and enjoy white streaks of cloud chasing each other. Some nights, awestruck by the divine beauty offered to the soul, you'll drink in glorious, otherworldly colors as they stretch across the expanse of the sky and fade into a dark, twinkling velvet. Other nights you may see in the distance a patch of sky kneading itself into a swirling mass of rain and wave.

Storm or sunset, you've never felt so alive.


Life may be hard. But that's a cop-out when unaccompanied by an admission of everything else it would offer us, should we choose to see it that way.

So maybe I would trade those three words, after all, for three more...

Life is rich.

Wow..

what a crazy weekend.

and what a great song:

Secret of the Easy Yoke
by David Bazan of Pedro the Lion

I could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud Your praise
The members' faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find You anywhere

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen You
And some days I don't love You at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
But if all that's left is duty
I'm falling on my sword
At least then, I would not serve
an unseen distant Lord

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen You
And some days I don't love You at all

If this is only a test,
I hope that I'm passing
'Cause I'm losing steam
And I just want to trust You

Peace be still..

Nutshell

My soul,
she looks into her mirror,
speaking words of contradiction
to herself about what she sees
She knows not what she speaks
Won't someone interpret those escaping words?
She can't understand why she'll feel what she does--

which is everything,

which is nothing

She fights it all, she fights herself,
she can't let go (but should she?)
She'll pin this thing to the ground with thought,
this "thing" of a thousand things
but her grip grows weak
because her right hand does not know her left--
Together they are called Contradict and Confuse;
apart, Sense and Self

My soul,
her steps fly in every direction,
going everywhere at once and yet getting nowhere,
seemingly gaining no ground
Years compound the complications
of so much beauty and so much pain
that she's lost which way's up
And she's tired of hurting, tired of waiting,
tired of hoping, feeling, fearing,
tired of fearing
Her back is heavy-laden with the burden of self-doubt
and distrust in her own mind;
Her guilt and foolishness bend her to the ground,
as all the while she still believes it need not be so,
that she does it to herself
Does she do it to herself?

My soul,
she won't despair, but still she sighs
and wonders how much time it takes to move
and wonders if there are words somewhere that might make sense,
that might speak clarity into being

You'll find little reason or rhyme here, because--
my soul,
her face is drawn with the absence of it

Every Motive Suspect?

A friend's post (scroll up) called to mind one of the long bus-ride conversations of which I had the privilege to be a part in Costa Rica this summer.

There might have been refreshingly cold air whipping past me as I pitched along a cave-dark mountain "road." Or there might have been thick, sticky air that would have lain stagnant among the masses of warm bodies crowding around me, were it not for the relief of the slightly-cooler breezes coming from the window. I might have looked out onto absolutely lush, rolling pastures straight out of Tolkien's (well, Jackson's) Hobbiton, or I might have seen a shimmering glimpse of sea from over the tops of mountains on the other side of a valley.

Whatever might have surrounded me outside, on the inside my mind was searching itself, searching my heart--and coming up with what I felt to be some very disheartening news: everything I do, no matter how altruistic or selfless I may think it, comes down to making myself feel good. Along the course of this conversation with my traveling partner-in-crime, I "decided" that I do good for people because it makes me happy to see them happy and encouraged, it makes me feel fulfilled to know I effected someone positively. I "decided" that whatever I don't do that could hurt someone, I don't do because I'll feel bad later if I think I hurt/disappointed them.

Now, though, I think that's a pretty crappy way of looking at things. If I were to continue with that line of thinking, I could logically have no choice but to grieve everything I ever did with respect to anyone else. And grief necesitated by logic leaves no room for grace. So scratch that theory.

I don't really feel like writing more, so suffice it to say that right there is just one more way that God's illogical grace is completely, entirely vital.


Sometimes I don't understand how people don't see that...

Is frustration irrelevant?

I get frustrated pretty frequently these days.

I get frustrated with my poor academic performance thus far in the semester.
I get frustrated with my "health problems."
I get frustrated with my supposed inabilities and my irresponsibility.
I get frustrated with my friendships that are not where I want them to be.
I get frustrated with my job and my boss.
I get frustrated with other things I'm not going to mention on here.

I also get frustrated with my own propensity to be negative when it comes to my own life, and to complain rather than rejoice.

And then last night, as I was reading Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel, I came across his inclusion of a quote by the English mystic Julian of Norwich: "The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love."

I've been thinking a lot about God's "furious" love, as Manning calls it, mainly because of my own unending encounters with it. But...I have in no way been responding to it like I should have.

Way to put me in my place, there, Julian.

ESTOY TAN EMOCIONADAAAA

ONE HOUR FROM NOW I WILL BE LOOKING AT MY COSTA RICA PICTURES

a mi

memyduelethroatlaandgargantamyytmjlahurttmj
.....solo quiero poder freakin cantar......

and i'm getting tired of it, yo.

but for now it's okay because i just had the most amazing final fall break with two wonderful ladies

(not actually a fall break foto...for some reason, i think the only photographs taken this weekend were by katie through the car window)

Go away, TMJ!

I've finally come to terms with the fact that four happy years of being temporomandibular joint disorder-free have come to end, and I must go see my old friend the orthodontist.

Oh well.

Hmmm...to keep this from completely being a pity-post, let's see...well, I have been VERY productive today! Yesss!!



oh ps--if you see me chomping down on gum, which i am wont to do about 95% of my waking hours, smack me on the head. well, better just say something...choking is bad.

"Introspection" is my middle name

-Every time I start to believe that I'm decently mature, thoughtful, logical, and improving, I suddenly do something that makes me seem like I might as well be watching TRL and going to the mall (ironically enough, two things I never really did even when I was younger).
-I'm realizing I might not have quite as much self-confidence as I thought I did....weird.
-I still don't truly understand my role as a friend to my friends, as a sister to my brother(s), and as a daughter to my parents. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do/who I'm supposed to be for any of these people. I know I'm called to love--but the details of how that is to be manifested are confusing.
-I wonder why it's very easy for me to be optimistic for everyone else, but when it comes to me, it doesn't happen nearly as often.
-I don't know what I want "to do"...except help people.
-It's probably really silly that I've spent a good deal of my young adult life trying to convince other people and myself that I'm not interested in having a relationship of the "significant" kind right now.
-God is incredible with his blessings, even in the face of my undeservedness. (is that a word?)
-I'm so happy with my life with my friends right now, that I'm terrified of moving away (or of them leaving...)
-I want to be so, so much more passionate in my faith...well, I want my faith to be me, if I may be so obscure...I want to know the Father, the Son, and the Spirit so much more intimately.
-I am not one of those people who can't stand the thought of staying in college a day longer, nor am i one of those who can't stand the thought of ever leaving. I am entirely divided--between wanting to graduate and not, between wanting to be independent/an adult and not...
-I just realized the above really doesn't matter, seeing as how it's about to happen regardless :)
-I love the people in my life so much that I just can't say it enough...did i already say that? :P
-I spend a lot of time trying to put my life together/live it in accordance with God, his character, and his will...and that I tend to focus so much on that, that I'm not even focused on God HIMSELF...Does anyone know at all what I mean by that?
-I still have yet to change from the "Him" mentality to the "You" mentality, and this makes me feel terribly...something. I'm not sure what.
-I'm excited about the prospects God has for my life, even if i don't know what they are...
-Liberation is not instantaneous, but rather a process.

Witty Title

I would like to extend a sincere and hearty thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night. Well, at least to the two or three of you who both were there and read this blog.

There's nothing like a good night's play to put me in high spirits. For whatever reason, I really, really did not want to play last night...truly for no good reason, either (that I can think of) except that I was tired and just being a jerk. Leave it to my boys, and Beans and Screens, and Tyler-being-awesome-on-sound, and everyone who showed, to turn that around...so thanks.

I think I might get to work on my song some more tonight and that makes me happy. Except oh I'm probably not going to be able to sing it. mmmm not gonna think about that

***

I was recently convicted--wait, honestly, isn't there a better word for that? How about...the Lord had caused me to feel quite strongly my need for giving more of myself. And so either He's put in my path more opportunities to serve, or has opened my eyes to see those which were already there...but either way, wow, it's not easy. And it's not at all comfortable to think about how selfish I am, much less was. I just pray that God will continue to provide me with the strength and skill to meet the challenge...and I rejoice in knowing that He will do just that, because He promises it.

There's still one sacrifice of service left to be fully offered, though. And that is--don't laugh, I'm being entirely serious--my academic work. I know that by doing my work efficiently, doing it well, and doing it on time if not earlier, I am:

1) More adequately preparing myself for my participation in the workforce, which will ultimately be a form of service. (I don't think that's a stretch, regardless if whether one is in ministry, or in sales. I should think we should be able to serve our employers and collegues by doing the absolute best job we can. And at the very least, it's a testament to our faith. Why should poor quality work be linked to our Father via a believer?)

2) Opening up time that can be better spent serving others, or even simply opening up time in which I am available to serve, should others need it of me (it's easier for me to focus on this one because it is more immediate)

And, for me (and for everyone else who's human, I imagine), it is indeed a sacrifice. A sacrifice of will, and of discipline, and of a loss of what I call "fun"...


If I won't do it for my own sake, I hope I'll do it for others'...

Spanish is much pleasing to me.

I decided that would be pleasing to me to write a post as if I was a native spanish speaker translating literally to english. This will be difficult, I believe, because even that first sentence was hard for to write, and not even am I translating everything completely literally. But I think it will be good practice, because to think in spanish first is not a task easily done, and also it is quite difficult to think in idiomatic phrases of spanish, in time of ones of english. And also, it always gives me laugh to read those freetranslations.com messes that many people use, and I imagine that this maybe will be similar.

I ask myself what I should write about...one thing that comes to the mind is how emotional I am that this thing of my internship is working well. I have a meeting with TransWorldRadio the Wednesday that comes, for to take a tour of the facilities, to sit in a meeting of the department of spanish (that has its U.S. headquarters in Cary--what happiness, no?), and to talk with the chair of the department after. Really, I have absolutely no idea of that which I will be doing. Should be interesting. Probably I should stop dreaming of to obtain a job there after the university and to live between Cary and here and to continue going to my church...but I prefer to be optimistic in this, if not realistic.

What a blessing it was that this internship practically fell from the sky. Really, I owe the majority of the thanks to my mother, who decided to look for opportunities of internship while I was in Costa Rica. Although I still do not know exactly that which I desire to do, how fortunate that this seems to combine the three directions that I have been considering recently, those of public relations, spanish, and ministry. Let us see.

Buenos Dias

So my posts were kinda starting to go on a downer streak...well, that sounds depressing. But lets just say I want to impart a little more cheeriness than I have been. :) So here's for a bunch of randomness...or at least something a little less dramatic..

I would just like to say, I love to read. And I have come to the conclusion that it will be this, not blogger.com, which will be the death of my good grades...I have gotten into the terrible habit of reading myself to sleep every night. Which has led to my getting about 5, maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, and that is just not cutting it. I'm too old for that. (I mean, I'm 21, yo. Ancient.) This is precisely why I literally abstained from pleasure reading for two entire years. Yes, the first two years of my college career I read nothing for fun outside of Christmas and summer breaks.

And then I could hold back no longer, and I have suffered for it (or my time management has), but oh! Though guilty pleasure it may be, it is a truly rich one, and I would be most hard-pressed to give it up again. But anyway, what brought on this commentary is that once again I failed miserably to stay alert, or even awake, in class today. And this bothers me greatly, especially since I know my professors see me (though for some reason, it's rare they choose to call me out). And these days, generally speaking, I actually do want to know whats going on, and want to learn, and understand. Which is hard to do, since that whole retaining-info-while-sleeping thing doesn't work so well for me.

I must find a better way...


On another note, I went to a giant family reunion in Garner this Saturday, and to my surprise, ended up having quite a good time. Only one--count it, one--person asked me if I was married yet. Shocking. Although I was a little miffed that it took a family reunion for me to find out that my own brother has his first girlfriend (no, Justin, you can't rely on your MySpace to communicate with your sister. Dork).

On yet another note, I have been struggling fiercely (in accordance with my superhero moniker, Melinda Fierce, so graciously bestowed upon me by Zach) to not become downhearted with my ever-increasingly-failing voice. This semester has been harder than normal, with these past two weeks in particular. Ever since coming to Buies Creek (quite literally the allergy capital of the country) three years ago, I have developed a strange form of allergy that pretty much attacks my nasal cavity down to my vocal folds---oh, you know, only like the key parts for someone who sings. Anyway, I'm used to having a limited-even-more-than-normal range until about Christmastime, but...eh. It's especially frustrating this fall. Even my comfortable range, I'm struggling to get out anything sometimes and it makes me so sad. :( I really should probably see a doctor again--the last one was ZERO help ("Um, just drink more water!"), and the one before that couldn't find anything wrong with me. But time and money are such mean inhibitors these days.... I guess I just need to learn to accept. And be patient for next semester.


I have high hopes of soon picking up my paycheck so that i can finally get my Costa Rica pics developed...Stay tuned for some beautiful sunsets, amazing waterfalls, and...and..I don't remember what else. Hey, it's only been, what, two months? Yeah...




Hmm. I haven't written a post like that in a very long time.

Me pregunto yo,...

I often wonder what it is that makes us think we are alone in the rough edges of our lives. Why is it so easy to think that no one could even approach understanding? It's so foolish to think "no one knows." Even the words I've heard in some songs should teach me that. Besides, I have found time and time again that if I would just suck it up and open my mouth (my heart, really) to my friends, I'm not going to get a blank stare or a fake smile of sympathy. I'm going to be encouraged, even if just by virtue of the fact that I know they love me and are listening.

It's so dangerous to wallow in pain and hardship and yet not share it...'wallowing' is such an awkward, ugly word, but i think accurately decribes the sentiment I'm trying to convey here.

What I would say I don't understand is why it isn't easier. In the ideal world, bathed in righteousness and God's perfect love that casts out all fear, everyone in the community of believers would be so in tune with one another that sheer freedom with each other would characterize all our interactions. We would be so continuously connected in spirit that sharing in everything would be the most natural thing in the world, and happily we would tell something if we needed to. There would instinctively, automatically, be no barriers.

Thing is, though, I'm afraid I do understand....and that what I just described is heaven, more or less, and we as humans beings can only long for that perfect community.

That being said, I'll not neglect to rejoice in the measures of grace God has imparted to me over the years by way of my brothers and sisters.

As a very wise man once phrased it, "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."

:)

(Brought To You By Your Friendly Neighborhood Band)

OneLessFrame
* 7 p.m. this coming Tuesday, the 4th
* @ Beans and Screens (Main Street, Buies Creek)

On Walls

Last semester, a mentor-friend concluded an interesting conversation by suggesting to me that I start paying attention to how I "emotionally respond to each of my friends," as a kind of personal character study of sorts. Never was really quite sure what he meant by that or what it was supposed to accomplish. I think it's supposed to help me discover why I can be incredibly emotionally closed off in certain situations, or how to fix that, or...something like that.

I was about to say that I think I've pretty much gotten a lot of my internal motivations worked out and reconciled, but I bet that'd be pretty foolish to say...I still wish I would not become embarrassed when 'caught' being emotional or vulnerable. I wish I did not resent FEELING strongly in certain situations; I wish "feeling" was not such a dirty word to my subconscious. I wish I didn't have cause to worry about how my "theories," however unwillingly I hold to them, will cause me to respond when put to the test.

It might seem strange to some of you to consider me as one of those cold-hearted ice queens, because, well, I'm not really like that with any of you, but...some of you know what I mean, though I'm not really inclined to expound upon it at this point (this is where my disclaimer "Sorry, but sometimes I write for my benefit, not yours" comes in. author's privilege...). Ask me later.

Things are gonna have to change some day, I guess. Just kinda afraid of what it's gonna take..




I built these walls with blinders on my eyes
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame

-s.n.t.r.-

O Carolina Ballet,

How I have missed thee...'twas a most pleasant evening.



But I beseech thine artistic director--dare not cast again the lead with someone who holds more than thrice the proper age..

yeah, i like that :)

"If yo' my friend and yo' hoitin', I'm hoitin' too. Until yo' bettuh, we'll hoit togethuh."
~Buckwheat Zydeco as heard on NPR's Weekend America

I am blessed.

Whether I see them multiple times a day or pratically never at all, my friends bless me (really, even the ones i barely see these days...i miss you.)

I am far too tired to state that more eloquently, but i hope earnestness is revealed in the simplicity.

Poll: will blogspot be the death of melinda's "good" grades?

Pensaba que iría a ir al Oasis y estudiar; pensaba que aprovecharía de este último minuto. Pero. Casi nunca lo hago así, entonces…¿por qué cambia ahora?

Bromeo..bueno, en serio, sólo es que el español me hace falta porque las oportunidades para usarlo en este pueblito practicamente no existen y cada día me doy cuenta cuánto estoy olvidando y lo LAMENTO…¿cómo se dice “run-on sentence?” :)

Realmente, lo que querría decir es que esta noche pasó otra experiencia maravillosa y al mismo tiempo, pues…digamos, me dio goosebumps. Ya no tengo ganas para explicarlo explícitamente (y no importa tampoco, ya que más o menos nadie quien lee esto habría puesto comprenderlo, si sí lo hiciera…quizás tú, sarah, aunque no leerás esto por semanas, me imagino). Pero, digamos, era uno de esos momentos cuando estoy como sobrecargada con la majestad que es Nuestro Señor, y al mismo tiempo, el “terrible-ness.” Terribledad. Jeje. Es como lamento el estado triste del ser humano, de TODOS nosotros seres humanos, y al mismo tiempo me regocijo al Amor que absolutamente invalida esto. ¡Qué poder!!! Es decir, a veces siento profundamente el amor de Dios, pero este amor es tan infinito y tan fuertísimo, tan supernatural, que al mismo tiempo es terrible. Debo decir, terrible en el sentido como el Aslan de C.S. Lewis, si me entiendes—no es una mala cosa.

YA...me voy a estudiar por fin...






but what is love?
this is love,
that You would die for me;
when I'm falling down,
you save me
this is how I know what love is

~1 John 4:10, as brought to you by CoolHandLuke.

I'd just like to say,

Murder by Death's Sarah Balliet pretty much rocks. (*even in spite of bad scene-kid hair)

You know you want to..

No one would happen to want to go see Switchfoot and Eisley on November 4th at the Norva in VA, would they?


no? oh. well, okay...


it was worth a shot.

Nobody likes static...or do they?

The Bebo Norman song, "Where the Trees Stand Still," just came up on my iTunes rotation. I've always loved that song for it's musical simplicity and earnestness, though there continued to be something about it that didn't sit quite right with me. I couldn't figure it out, really, because it sure sounded all well and good.

But I just realized, though Bebo may sing, "now I just want to live where the trees stand still..."

...I don't.

Maybe it was written from the perspective of someone who's seen a lot more of life than I have. But a static, comfy-cozy-white-picket-fence life does not pull at my soul in the slightest..

Ironic, considering I'm rather scared to be on my own soon.

Note To Self

hush
the stillness would speak,
should you choose to listen
should you quit your pomp and circumstance
should you quietly deny the commotion that would command you,
running rampant about your life, your room, your mind

hushmaketime
sing no bold-yet-vacant lines~
utter naught but whispers, if need be
and give ear to that which calls
lay down your arms, your pen, their words,
and pick up His own
then with eyes drawn shut and heart laid bare, know freedom

for a moment...fall out of the fight, and into the silence~
one of which never was yours,
the other which longs to be
for the whisper in the wind to you would speak,
should you choose to listen

silence shines golden in the light of what is waiting
so h u s h...

I lied to you, Michelle.

I'm not going to do something productive before the game. Unless you consider "emotionally/intellectually/introspectively productive" a viable option.... :-)

I mentioned earlier that I've discovered I have a tendency to "look down" on certain groups of Christians, and for a ridiculous reason...but let me back up.

Pretty much my entire life I've encountered/been surrounded by Christians who are (supposedly) zealous in their faith, a trait (for lack of a better word) which is very much expressed in their words. For example, one will very frequently hear (or read, depending on the medium of comm.) these persons make frequent statements alluding to the goodness of God, His majesty, kindness, etc. One will hear petitions that [fill in the blank] would be for God's glory and His alone; one will hear oft-proclaimed thanksgiving for any number of blessings...or, even blessings in disguise. And so on and so forth; you get the picture.

I've recently discovered that, sadly, I have subconsciously conditioned myself to reject statements such as these as anything based on any kind of sincerity, if it comes from someone I don't know very intimately and whose sincerity I cannot blindly trust. I hear someone say in everyday, non-religious-themed conversation, "Praise God," and my first emotionally-based response is, "like they really have thought about that." I read someone's blog where someone thanked God for His amazing graciousness and faithfulness, and the first thing I think is, "suck up" (not necessarily to God, but to whomever may be reading). I know, I know...

Looking back, I realized that so many of those Christians who have crossed paths with me for one reason or another didn't back up what they said with their attitude, or with their actions. Or I could tell they were saying these things because they read that they were supposed to in "The Idiot's Guide For: Being a Good Little Christian," not because they really believed it. And this is why it's so hard for me to trust what people say.

And so, instead of rejoicing when those brothers and sisters whom I don't know very well rejoice, and instead of encouraging and being encouraged when they verbally seek for God to be glorified (and other things of that nature), I am immediately on my guard. Or, more accurately, I immediately assume the worst. Which happens to quietly, slyly manifest itself in my looking down on them before I even realize I am...

Perhaps it would behoove us to not ALWAYS take everything at face value, without any consideration, but I took it to the extreme. I really don't want to approach the community of believers, my community which sustains and encourages me, with pessimism and negativity.

¡Ay!

¡¡AYÚDAME!! MI PROFE NO SABE NADA DE LO QUE DEBEMOS ESTAR APRENDIENDO....

miento...no es cierto...pero, todavía...hemos pasado más que media hora hablando de un club que sirve solamente para una mitad de la clase. Y ahora estamos enseñándole como crear un aim screenname. Porque él no sabía lo que es.

Pensaba que esta clase serviría…vamos a ver. Espero que no me falte razón…

"If you could see it, then you'd understand.."

From the first lines of the opener til the last words of the finale, I was...enthralled.

Can words describe the outstanding artistic achievement that was last night's Coldplay concert? Perhaps, but I don' t think I'm going to try, because if you weren't there, it'd be hard to communicate, and if you were, then...you know. And if you think anything in this post is an exaggeration...well, I consider that your problem, not mine. :)

Except to say that last night I attended the very best concert/show/musical performance I have ever experienced--thank you, Chris Martin and Coldplay. (*Have to give props to the lighting/video techs too...talk about a show unto it self.) [Or, you could be Katie Beck and say, "this was the best thing that has happened to me in my 20 years of existence...well, besides getting saved. But this was second." ;) ]

Riding back home, drifting in and out sleep in the backseat and with Mae serenading me from the front, was just about the best way to end that night...Falling into my bed at 1:00 this morning, with the images and sounds sifting through my mind, I really felt like I had been dreaming..

Spectacular artistry. That's all I can say.

do you ever get frustrated with the discrepancy between what you say you want to do and what you actually do?

do you ever feel sad when you remember that God in no way consumes all aspects of your life, which He more than merits?

do you ever feel like you're not even close to fulfilling your grace-given potential?

do you ever get afraid that God grieves your stubbornness?

do you ever feel like sometimes you waste the Father's time with what He's entrusted to you?




Not to sound defeatist (on the contrary, it is definitely a thought that brings me joy and inspires courage), but...I can't wait til I get to go home. :)


In the meantime...

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Te echo de menos, Costa Rica

Yo oigo mi casa llamando mi nombre
Asimismo mis queridos me llaman
Mis ojos padecen de una gran hambre
Para ver otra vez sus vistas que aman

* * *

I wrote that poem for one of my classes down there this summer...it's about being homesick. And I just got back from the "Spanish For Heritage Speakers" class that I'm auditing, the class that I was unreasonably nervous about attending.

Turns out (of course) I love it, and it put a different spin on that poem...

I hope I can go back one day.

What would it be like...

...to be Bono's kid?




Just my random thought of the day..

Memory Shuffle

Two posts in one day....can you tell i'm duty? :)


So i finally got with the program and downloaded iTunes. Good stuff. I like the 'party shuffle,' even if I don't know why it has that particular name... But with all of my music being played randomly, I'm experiencing an interesting phenomenon: reliving memories attached to certain songs.

It's always been a wonder to me how songs literally record themselves in our brains as soundtracks to our life, recalling experiences and emotions from the past into the present. It's kinda cool....and kinda eerie, depending on the memory..

Three cheers for diversity!

I grew up going to a neighborhood school where most of my friends were evenly split between black, white, and Philipino--actually, Philipinos prob took the largest place. And I didn't even know until about a month ago, when my dad told me, that my family had been among the minorities in that neighborhood....I spent most of the summer surrounded by central americans (it was wonderful)....My family just moved to a neighborhood where again they are the minority (it's a mainly black neighborhood, with some asian, latino, and caucasian)--too bad I won't be around there much....And I had lunch today with a Vietnamese chick from my dorm and a girl from Hong Kong who goes to my church.....some immigrants have fascinating stories, let me tell you.



I'm so glad to have finally gotten out of the WASP bubble that was my post-California, pre-college life.



Diversity. It's good for you.

"You're asking for it, you know..."

Mmmmm, yep.

I'll admit it; I'm a closet drama queen.

Drama makes life interesting--completely precludes any chance of being bored.

I, who decry drama as ridiculous and unneccesary, crave it deep down. (For the record, I know as a confirmed fact that I am not the only one, so there.) It makes you feel alive.

Why on God's green earth something insides me begs for change, for a change of emotional, mental, and experiential scenery, I have yet to appreciate.

Even as I stand in the face of one of the biggest impending changes of my life, i.e., the transition from the world of children and half-children to the supposed "real world" of adults, a part of me wants something else different. Now.

I suppose 'drama,' as we call it, is generally considered a bad thing; the word has a negative connotation in this context. Of course, it has its after-effect benefits--you learn, you grow, etc. And really, I think there can be "good" drama, although I think it's usually more confined to ourselves rather than to our interactions with and responses to others. Good drama, I'd say, tends to be more situational than relational. But what happens when your life equalizes and levels out? Bad or good, once it's gone, you are left with the feeling that your life is boring. (At least that's how it is to me.)

So why is it that when we are in the midst of all things dramatic, we eagerly anticipate the end of it (with either the end of turmoil with the bad, or a sense of completion with the good)?

Human complexities and paradoxes really get me.

I'm accidentally writing a song,

for the first time in over a year and a half. Thank you, KT, for triggering my giving voice to something that's been in the back of my mind for a time.

I've written a lot of words down since I started to bother with writing poetry (which is really only since I came to college), but it's rare--well, practically a non-existant occurance--for me to be able to hear a sound fit to accompany them, much less have a melody spring up alongside them at exactly the same time. So, no real songs started for a year and a half, not to mention the fact that I've never even finished one, ever...I hope I don't get sick of this one before I finish it, which has been a problem..

I really, really wish I had more time/opportunity to enjoy, make and be a part of music.


* * *

On sort of another note..

As I was writing in my notebook today, I looked back on some old poems in there, and couldn't help but laugh that I can't even remember what inspired some of them--not specifically, anyway. Of course, there are some lines which surpass the immediate situations in which they were written, because those situations were indelibly printed on my mind and on my heart. But it's strange to think that for some other poems, which seemingly were born out of extreme...whatever (can't think of what to call it), I can't even remember precisely why I wrote them.

Makes me wonder how, a few years down the road, I will view everything that happens now...although I do think it's easy to recognize the big things, the main themes, that are going to stick with you for the rest of your life..

I know we're all broken, but...

I just recently learned of another broken engagement...
I'll be honest with you; that scares me.

Do people come to realize they're actually not as sure as they once thought they were? Can things happen that completely revoke the solidness and assurance that was there before? Or was there not any of that to begin with?

It's difficult for me to think of a broken engagement as anything less than a kind of divorce. And i'm not just talking about the really stupid, young, immature people who don't give the idea of engagement and marriage the gravity it merits; I'm also talking about people who seem to have good heads on their shoulders and good intentions in their hearts, but still fall apart. I didn't begin to hear of such brokenness until maybe a couple of years ago, and now it seems a frighteningly common occurance....Maybe it's always been like that and I was just too naive (more than I am now, which sometimes hardly seems possible, considering how ridiculous I can still be) to realize it before then.

In my idealized mind, it seems to me like promising yourself to someone would be something that you considered so carefully and prayerfully (over time, not in an all-nighter of reflection) and something you would be so utterly sure of, that backing out would never ever even need to be an option.

I'd like to think it would be that way.

But I know things happen. I just don't want to believe that they do.

Of course, I don't know most things. Anybody out there who can speak to me from experience, personal or otherwise? Because the last thing I need is another reason to be scared..

If your glass heart should crack,

and for a second you turn back,
oh no, be strong...

...and i know it aches,
and your heart, it breaks,
and you can only take so much
walk on, walk on


* * *


let the past be past. build a bridge and get over it....and then burn it. move on.

Are these really ever safe to say to people? Our past should inform us, and of course we cannot escape the influence of it...it just shouldn't hold us captive. But who is right? The person whose experiences, and all the resulting reflections/emotions/actions, can never be purely communicated (and therefore never fully justified/explained) to another human being? Or a person who stands outside of the frame rather than inside, viewing all from a unique vantage point which potentially offers something that needs to be shared?

Every time I think I know what I think, somebody says something and unwittingly proves me wrong.

I'm confused.

enter my head, enter my heart,

...and i bet you'll find a piece of yourself.

That's what i've found a number of times, anyway--that what i'm thinking/feeling/going through is probably similar to, if not exactly the same as, what someone else is experiencing.

I had another one of those goosebump-inducing realizations of this last night.
If you know what i mean, you know how uncanny it is..


Enter my head, and you'll also find a myriad of other random thoughts that have been swirling around as of late..like,

-i still think too much about how other people will respond to certain things about me, namely certain actions

-i'm still finding out what a frighteningly relationally jealous person i can be

-one of my greatest fears is not being alone, but rather being not-alone and then screwing it up (or someone/something else doing so)

-wondering about how to deal with all of the above

-we're often blind to the worst parts of us and need other people to remedy that (mainly only talking from personal experience)

-being a real, true friend and sister might mean biting the bullet and taking risks, and just trusting to God anyway

-i wonder if any parents can really understand the full extent to which they affect their children

-communication is key, to understate and be absolutely cliche....and this includes recognizing what does NOT need to be said

-one of my other biggest fears is....i'm scared of what will happen if i'm ever significantly cut off from my friendships because a job so requires it...and i even just mean geographically, which, let's face it, is more of a detriment to any friendship than we would like to think, and certainly more than we can help

-being bitter never did anyone any favors, but sometimes it's so hard for us to even realize that we're in that place...or maybe hard to even care...but mainly especially hard to do anything about it when we do realize and care (semi-talking from pers.exp. again)

-i'm happy....but i'm also tired of wondering about a number of things, and tired of being scared of other people as well as of myself


well that was a glimpse, wasn't it

worth more than a thousand

As part of my unpacking-from-the-move/packing-for-Campbell process, I came across a plastic tub full of years' worth of photographs (I always intend to scrapbook, because it really is more enjoyable in that form, but who has patience and time for that?????).

Almost uncanny, all the memories and feelings evoked by these simple pieces of paper:

early puppy years of Danny...trips to the mountains back when my grandparents lived there...visits to Florida...pictures with bad hair and braces...pictures of "husky" Justin and toothpick me...old and new ski trips to Utah...the multitude of family gathering pics...youth camps...Pawley's Island...high school orchestra concerts...the accident...senior portraits...high school graduation...freshman Chickie X-mas party at Northeast (Chickie days. whoa.)...Halloween, college-style...my first onelessframe gig...

and that's barely half.

As part of this process, I've also been shifting through random books, crafts and momentos of my childhood. Oh, nostalgia.

Oh, memory! What a double-edged sword it is, no? I doubt there's a person alive who doesn't have both unwanted memories he wishes would just fade away and never resurface, and profoundly dear memories that will be treasured by the soul forever.

As I get older, I think I'm starting to realize the kind of responsiblity we have in how we respond to our memories...

you know what really stinks?

putting stuff on the roof of your car and then driving away.

...and the greatest of these is love

I am so incredibly blessed to have the brother I do in Justin. Our relationship is so tight and without conflict that sometimes people don't even believe me when I tell them that's how it is. There are some things which I don't know how I would get through without him.

This past year, I have really been impacted with just how important talking things out is....keeping heart-matter from getting out probably never did anyone any good. Not that it's always easy to get/let out, at least not for me; on the contrary, I've found that it's usually difficult and often frightening, depending on the context. But always worth it...

Today, surrounded by our favorite Bo's meal, Justin and I hit upon both some heartbreaking aspects and some strangely uplifting aspects of our family...and were struck with the awesome responsibility of being called to love someone. We never concluded that loving someone is always a calling, but that at least in some cases it definitely is, and sometimes it can bring more pain than joy. And that for someone to stay true to that calling in the midst of pain and in the absence of encouragement really is something.

* * *

'Cause love is different than you think
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think

churnin' like buttah

...is how i've (for some reason) chosen to qualify the state of my mind at this moment. (ohhh how i'm enjoying these last few days of intellectual freedom...before i return to Campbell, land of guilt-laden pondering and writing, so laden because I always know there's something else I should be doing....bleh.)

I just spent the past two hours talking to my dad about an amalgam of political, social, and spiritual/theological themes. (Sidenote: I look foward to more and more convos like that with him, and with friends, even though it does sometimes frustrate me that I have allowed myself to be ignorant and uninformed on many topics, and therefore can usually only offer very few carefully-reached opinions; the bulk of what comes out of my mouth is a barrage of questions. One day I hope to be able to offer both the questioning and its counterpart: to define what i really think and believe, and to be able to freakin back it up.)

Anyway. Some of the stuff he says just seems so contrary to what I would naturally think, conditioned as i am by society, peers, etc....but it all made so much sense!! I didn't really "like" some of what he had to say--because honestly, some of it just goes against the grain--but i cannot deny that what he put forth was pretty solid. I tried punching holes.....not my forte, I know, but I'm also not an idiot...and I gained about zero ground. And now I'm left with this seeming contradiction of not being satisfied with the endpoints of his arguments, but not being able to deny them, either. I guess I'm also partially wrestling with the practical vs. the theoretical.

I'll purposefully leave that vague, mainly because I'm lazy. But man, I wish a bunch more people had been privy to that conversation...I would so love to hear my dad in dialogue with any number of my more thoughtful friends, just to hear how they would object and how he would respond.

Hmmm.



My head is full of thoughts, but not just about politics and the like. There's also thoughts on...

my future: my impending career, my calling(s), where I'll end up, with whom I'll end up

friends: friends who are hurting, friends who merit far more than I give, friends who have given me more than i deserve myself, the necessary basis of unconditional love in all our relationships and what that really means

my responsibility as: a citizen, a human, a friend, a follower of Christ, and as a member of a community on every level, from my immediate, biological family, right up to the world in general

the level of value/worth of: money, time, discipline, sacrifices


About half of these things have been on my mind for months or years, while I've kind of been smacked with the other half in the last 36 hours or so. It will be interesting to see where all that goes.


For those of you who somehow aren't bored/sick of "hearing" me talk, read the previous entry, and follow the instructions at the end. =-P

doors, questions, love....welcome to a little reverse stream-of-consciousness

I once told a friend that, at least for me, growing in Christ and understanding the mystery of God is a lot like opening a door, only to find that it leads to about seven more doors, each of which leads to about a dozen more doors.... you get the picture. "Understanding," as we humans tend to think of it, cannot ever be fully, truly achieved with regards to God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit, at least not here. I can never even hope to comprehend the complexity that IS God.

And this is an enormous comfort to me. If I could definitively reach an explanation, if I could somehow completely and "correctly" encapsulate in word or thought every aspect of all things heavenly, I would suddenly have been able to reduce God to...me, for all intents and purposes. If I could fully explain and rationalize God, what would then be left of his greatness, that which inspires awe and fear and adoration in the hearts of his people? And so I gladly revel in the fact that my life of faith will always be a continual search for more, to know God more deeply and purely.

Okay, so i really said all of that to preface this: as a result of the above, I naturally find myself with a lot more questions than answers. I don't doubt that some questions could be answered, or at least better informed, through more study and more teaching. But, there are other questions of infinite proportions that I believe simply cannot and will not be answered on Earth. And in the past (and still sometimes every now and then), this has been something that has stopped me in my tracks when I want to be able to explain how I can possibly believe what I do to someone who disagrees (and i'm not talking about small points of doctrine or anthing like that--I'm talking about why I put my faith and trust in Christ).

And that's why I think it's absolutely beautiful and amazing to see how God can orchestrate different things in our lives ("things" meaning absolutely anything: a Bible verse shared, a conversation, a sermon, a reunion with someone, an answered prayer, a movie that strikes you, a book that speaks to you, witnessing an event, a long-awaited reconciliation or healing, etc.) that, for those looking for "proof," MORE than compensate for any questiones we may have.

I guess I'm kind of going backwards in this post and retracing my steps of thought....what spawned all of the above ramblings is that today, God yet again reminded me of His nearness and greatness, and His unconditional, personal, relentless love for me...this particular time, through Brad's sermon. It wasn't so much the content and the ideas presented themselves, as it was more of a God-sent confirmation of something that had recently been on my mind. It was so simple, really....and yet I was overwhelmed, as if God had just plopped down in the chair next to me, drew me into a tight hug, and said cheerily, "Hey, I'm still right here!....where I've always been, and always will be!" And the thing that floors me is that this happens SO much....and not even just in times of need, or doubt, or pain, but also in happiness and peace. It's like He doesn't make Himself known to me simply to reassure me---He does it because it's just a part of His nature, because He desires intimacy with me, because He loves me with a love that is beyond understanding. That's pretty much mindblowing, if you ask me (aaand there goes another door).

I think THAT is what I want people to know....forget doctrine, forget the newest theory or archaelogical discovery; I think you have to talk to people, you have to get to know them, you have to look inside their lives to really see.


so that post went all over the place....but i would very much appreciate outside thoughts.

(that was a blatant petition for comments, people, which i don't do often, so you should humor me...)

by the way,

there's this minor band coming to town September 10. You've probably never heard of them because they're so little-known, and wouldn't like them if you had (mediocre talent and all that).


But nevertheless...Coldplay, anyone?

Tell me if you're interested.

if these walls could talk..

i doubt they would say much, at least to me, as they don't know me very well. nor will they ever get the chance to know me well, as this new house is more my parents' new house than mine.

that is a decently sobering thought. good thing in less than 2 weeks i escape back to school where i can maintain my semi-independence-yet-dependence-when-necessary status.

although, dang...why couldn't they have moved into the awesome house back when i wanted to live at home??

c'est la vie!