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Favorite Things: Passage Consignment

2009-06-12T16:40:00.004-04:00

So I live practically within walking distance of this little tienda I pass by every time I go downtown, Passage Consignment Shoppe...finally went in on my lunchbreak today (ok, and yesterday...I needed more more time to look!)

I've shopped thrift stores, and I've shopped second-string deparment stores like TJ Max and Ross....this awesome little store is like the best of both (and then some).

They've got home furnishings like you might find at an antique mall (though my first stop for that would be the Pirate's Chest in Cameron Village)....but the best part about Passage is, in my opinion, their consignment clothing (or their women's clothing, at any rate - didn't look at men's). Their clothing is by and large a lot prettier, cheaper and higher quality than second-string dpt stores, and they have a nicer variety to ruffle through than do most thrift stores I've seen (it's not as cheap as thrift, but that's because the clothes are a lot newer/nicer/in better shape).

It was such a find, in fact, that I declared to the owner (coincidentally, my old Alliance of AIDS Services colleague John Paul Womble, for those of you who know him) that this was my new favorite store! Seriously, if you are a Raleigh woman, and you like pretty clothes for cheap, you're missing out if you don't try this place.

Finding a Job In the Nonprofit World

2009-06-03T19:40:00.011-04:00

I don't pretend to be a know-it-all when it comes to this topic, but lately I've had enough people asking me about it that I figured I'd post everything I've learned in the last couple years. (Some of this is obviously just for North Carolinians.)

In no particular order:

►Get involved in the local nonprofit scene through volunteerism, if you're not already. This helps begin to establish your cred with nonprofits, and it may open up some networking doors.

If you need some inspiration:

Look through these listings of NC nonprofits (by county or field)
Volunteermatch.org
In Wake County, get up with my friends at ME-3!

►Become familiar with the Philanthropy Journal. They are more or less the nonprofit news source in North Carolina, and if you want a job with a nonprofit, you should try to be reasonably in-the-know with the sector.

►Consider a nonprofit fellowship. This is especially something to consider if you're looking for an entry-level position.

I did Public Allies (an AmeriCorps partner program) for two years, and not only did it change my life overall, it also led directly to my current job (PR & Communications Director for NCGives).
There are also fellowships at a few foundations in NC. (I don't know which ones off the top of my head; if you want to know, email me at work.)

►Get your network on. The nonprofit sector is no different from the rest of the job world in this respect.

A cheap way to start this is with Philanthropy Journal's Lunch 'N' Learns (each one is in a different location around the state).
If you have a bit more cash to spare, you might consider the statewide nonprofit conference.
The NC Center for Nonprofits also lists several nonprofit networking groups throughout the state (I haven't participated in any of them but it's probably a place to start, if there's one in your area).

►Get educated. I've personally done Duke's Nonprofit Management program and highly recommend it. There's also several degree programs at NCSU, and other programs around the state.

And of course,
►Try ye olde internet jobsearch.

And finally, the headhunters at Capability Company may be a source to tap into, particularly if you're looking for a beyond-entry-level position.

Hope this was helpful!

Favorite Things: Amelia Cafe

2009-04-21T13:02:00.003-04:00

If you find yourself in Durham looking for a cool cafe kind of place for lunch, drinks or dessert (and don't mind splurging on "cool cafe prices" - think Panera, or a little bit higher for some items), check out Amelia Cafe (in Brightleaf Square).

I had a meeting in Durham this morning, and another one this afternoon, with about four hours in between...thus, a cafe with wifi was in order. Luckily, I managed to escape the chaos and confusion that I usually experience when trying to find my way around Durham, and found myself at Amelia. It's one of those places where you imagine everything must be tasty - it sure looks like it! Their lunch menu isn't on the website but it's usual cafe fare plus some French crepe dishes...and their desserts look a-mazing. If I'm here long enough, my resolve just might weaken...

I wasn't originally thrilled with having to kill half a day mobile-officing it, but honestly, I've been sitting outside for the past few hours with gorgeous weather, free wifi, charming view (I'm sure there are differing opinions about Brightleaf, but you can't say it's not cute), and my laptop plugged into a lampost (yes)....and it's been the best working afternoon I've spent in a while!

One week!

2009-04-06T16:54:00.004-04:00

Sorry for the lack of blogging [Nicole and Michelle]. My home computer is still refusing to connect to the internet. I'm going to start a new ad campaign and see if I can get royalties out of it: "I'm a PC...but I wish I was a Mac!"

So, about this time next week I will be rolling into Moncks Corner, South Carolina, home of Mepkin Abbey. I'll be spending about four days of retreat among this community of Trappist monks (along with, possibly: random parishioners, tourists to their acclaimed gardens and maybe fellow retreatants...I'll be taking up one of their 9 guest rooms).

I have very little idea of what to expect, but I'm actually very fine with that. My plans are very limited (kind of on purpose), and thus far all I've thought about is this:

Bring: my journal (of course), Robert Benson's Living Prayer and In Constant Prayer, and possibly Mere Discipleship and something by Thomas Merton (whose monastary founded this one)
Buy: an iPod adapter for Lucy's auxiliary input (Lucy being the new Element...when did I grow up enough to have a real car??)
Oops: Probably should have scheduled to have that initial new-used car maintence done this week. Oh well.
Don't: use technology any more than absolutely necessary next week. Phone calls for emergencies only (I think I'm just going to turn it completely off, except for maybe a few minutes at night to check messages). Ipod for car trip only...maybe :) Will still bring headphones, perhaps...
Spend: a lot of time outside (hopefully it will not rain as much as has been predicted), and not much money in the gift shop. (Yes, there is a gift shop at the monastery...monks have to support themselves somehow!)

I've gotten more or less the same response from every one I've talked to about this: "that is so cool! I don't know anyone else who's ever done that!" So that makes me a little curious, and I have a question to put to you, if you're reading this: if you were in my shoes, what do you imagine you'd be thinking/doing in the week leading up to such a journey?

Of course, most of you are probably reading this on Facebook, and so I probably won't see your response until Easter when Lent is over. :P You can always reply directly on my blog, you know ;)

And, come to think of it, feel free to say a prayer for me this and next week!...for safe traveling and good health...that I will somehow adjust quickly to being quiet (in many senses) so as to make the most of my time there, sans distractions...that my heart and mind will be in an open and ready state for whatever God may have for me...

I can hardly believe it's already, suddenly, this close. I'm excited :)

A Contemplative Adventure

2009-03-10T16:23:00.005-04:00

In just less than five weeks, I'll be spending about four days at Mepkin Abbey, hanging out (by myself?) and doing who knows what. (If you know who Thomas Merton is...Mepkin is the Trappist monastery founded by Merton's own brothers from Gethsemani in Kentucky).

I am so, so looking forward to this...

..no work stress..
..no demands for my time..
..no computers..
..no media or advertisements or commercialism..
..no distractions but my own mind (which is distracting enough, for sure)..

Just me, nature, God and a bunch of monks. Who don't generally talk. (The monks, that is...I'm counting on God talking.)

I'm especially glad to be going for Easter Week - it just seems like a good ending for this season of Lent.

I'll also be giving the world a play-by-play of monastic life via Twitter.

(So just kidding...i don't think Hugh reads this but that was for him :P)

fairchocolate

2009-03-05T09:52:00.010-05:00

As a try-to-be-socially-conscious chocolate freak, I was excited to see this (from the Not For Sale blog):

In a landmark announcement Cadbury Chocolate, one of the major chocolate manufactures primarily operating in the U.K. stated that they would certify that their dairy-milk chocolate is Fair Trade by the end of summer 2009. In a statement issued Today, Chief Executive for Cadbury, Todd Stitzer said:
"This is an historic moment for our company. I am proud that the nation’s favourite chocolate bar will display the FAIRTRADE Mark. I was in Ghana last month and saw how vital it is that businesses support their partners and the communities they live in. We believe that by joining forces with the Fairtrade Foundation, we can further improve living standards and conditions for farmers and farming communities, and create a sustainable supply of high quality cocoa for Cadbury."

I think it's kind of strange that they're so proud about it and yet are only doing this for one of their lines...but, a step in the right direction is better than no step at all!

Now if only America's biggest brands would get on board...check out the 2009 Chocolate Co. Scorecard.

videos are fun.

2009-03-02T14:13:00.005-05:00

This first one is from Valentines' Day dinner...Julie was demonstrating to Julianne, Robyn and me the many languages in which one can say "I love you" (from a card she had been saving for two years):

And this second one is quite historic - a peek at the first ceremonial ritual conducted by two founding Shannonites of the new religion Shannonism...(you'll have to forgive the camera-shaking; despite the awesome solemnity of the moment, I couldn't help but be moved):

Some days,

2009-02-27T12:00:00.003-05:00

I am antsier than others; some days, it's harder to focus on the matter at hand than on others.

These days, I'm all about the former.

Also, if you like dirty-gritty-sexy-but-solid rock, jump on the ol' Kings of Leon bandwagon, why don't ya (yes, that's a strange description, but you'll get over it). And, if you use Pandora (which you should) and don't have a Kings of Leon station, add it, for goodness' sake. Except, I'll warn you, it makes it really hard to want to sit in your office chair for hours at a time...

I wish I could find a Pandora station that magically inspired me to pay attention at work.

Also, my HR person is going to kill me if I don't turn in my retirement investment forms soon...and, I have buy a car, like, today. My mechanic gave me to the end of February before my trusty ol' Avalon was no longer safe to drive...dangit! The end of February is tomorrow! HOW did that happen??

In short, sometimes I really hate having to pretend I'm adult..

This post o' randomness was brought to you by: a girl distractedly looking forward to the weekend way more than she should...stupid weekdays that get in the way.. oh well :)

Happy Vday-plus-11

2009-02-25T13:50:00.006-05:00

I haven't been to my myspace page in about a year, and yesterday was on there for a sec - I had totally forgotten about the song on my profile, "Shh" by Donora. It's from this pretty neat music vid by PostSecret, all re: matters of the heart - the good, the bad and the ugly. Enjoy the art!

No more Facebook for a while.

2009-02-24T16:03:00.005-05:00

Michelle and I often agree that if something is going to be hard and we don't want to do it, there's a good chance that means we need to do it....

So, I'll be giving up Facebook for Lent. Is it really lame that Facebook is a significant enough piece of my life that it's worth giving it up for Lent? Uh, yep. Which is exactly why I need to do it (well. one reason anyway.)

Plus, I've always had an addictive personality, so as a bonus it'd be great to be able to break that pattern down at least some (and if you've seen my out-of-control Facebook lately, you know that addiction is the word). We shall see..

Anyway, all the email notifications are going off as of midnight tonight, so if you need to contact me....hopefully you already know how to. (And nobody better leave terrible stuff on my wall! Michelle, you're in charge of that hehe.)

Also, Nicole has demanded that if I nix the Facebooking, I have to blog more....I'm sure that won't be a problem, nic :) (PS, this blog is imported to Facebook automatically, so that doesn't count!)

So, giving up: Facebook.
Adding: for starters, the Lenten devotional I slacked off on last year...

Didn't originally think I would say this, but I'm actually looking forward to it. (Looking forward to a lot of things this "Bright Sadness" season...more on that to come in the weeks ahead.)

i am thinking...

2009-02-16T22:33:00.002-05:00

...that words can be given as gifts or wielded as weapons.
...everyone knows that "sticks and stones" rhyme is a load of crap, but i only just realized that the words you let come out of your mouth can affect not only others, but yourself, too. The good ones and the bad ones.
...sometimes i get inspired by words completely apart from any context. I read the phrase "spice box" today and now I want to write either a poem or a stream-of-consciousness short story called Box of Spices. {yep. see my blog's title}

...I am blown away by the fact that i just took my paperwhites out of the dark recently, and they grew about one foot in about one week; I didn't know that was possible. quite an apt metaphor for my life these days.

...if my life could be blessed with one intangible quality this year, i would want it to be: balance

...guilt is a terrible thing to waste your energy on.

...one of the reasons i hate to watch the local news is because the frenetic B-roll makes me feel like I'm going to have an epileptic seizure

...life is often what you make of it, and I think we forget that.

...The Bachelor's hook this season is so wrong and I just hope that little boy somehow makes it out unscathed. The television industry is no stranger to questionable ethics, but I still can't believe a real child was used as a pawn for ratings. (I can't say I've watched it, but seriously? People consider that good entertainment?)

...continually trying to dismantle various expectations (of "what i want," "what should be," etc.) has served me pretty well over the years, but it's probably not the best or safest advice to pass on to others.

New favorites!

2009-02-14T14:09:00.024-05:00

What a great day for discoveries! Roomie Emily and I had a lovely morning with some friends: homemade biscotti, Peruvian hot chocolate (it comes in bar form which you shave apart with a knife, then cook with milk and sugar...super yummy), the Natalie Merchant-y Eliza Rosbach, and the movie the Gospel of John, which was surprisingly intriguing rather than cheesy (even though Jesus is played by Desmond from Lost...weird).

And this wasn't discovered today, but speaking of Peruvian hot chocolate, I think everyone needs to know about the best chocolate shop everrr: Escazu, located on Glenwood South in downtown Raleigh. (It's next door to the hookah bar Casablanca that I've halfway been wanting to try...though we all know that the only reason I'm even slightly interested is because it's basically dessert-flavored smoke. But do I really want to puff Caterpillar-style on strawberry tobacco? My friends call me the hippie among us, but I'm not sure I'm quite that far out.) Anyway, Escazu = local confectioners who use Latin American flavorings, and it's nearly impossible to choose what you want because everything looks so incredible...KT and I are going to start a tradition of treating ourselves to Escazu after we work it out Latin-style with Zumba down the street (which, by the way, is probably the most fun aerobic exercise you'll ever do...thanks to Jana for that one!)

Back to later this morning: Em had to stop by the Fresh Market, which gave me a chance to peek through this Cameron Village shop I have been itching to get to, the Pirate's Chest (formerly the Carolina Antique Mall). It's simply great, and I can't wait until I have a real house and an excuse to decorate out of that store (besides World Market and 10,000 Villages). Lots of beautiful antique pieces, plus other random quirky stuff - but all laid out as vignettes (good), not row after overwhelming row (bad). Also, I used to work at a gifts-and-interior-decor store that had similar items (though all new, not antique), and I can definitely say that there are good-to-really-good buys to be had at the Pirate's Chest. (Not just furniture/decor...if you're a jewelry fiend like me, get thee to the Pirate's Chest. Think flea market jewelry, and slightly pricier-but-nicer.)

Plus, further evidence that I need to dig into more of Leonard Cohen's work: the oft-covered "Hallelujah" composer also wrote the pretty pretty song, "Dance Me to the End of Love," that has been covered by The Civil Wars (a promising side project from Joy Williams and John Paul White). Thanks to the beautiful Shelly for leaving it on my computer last night!

Oh, and happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

[Photo by Jinglchelle]

I am so tired of cancer...

2009-02-04T13:35:00.002-05:00

I know that's an odd way to start a blog post, but it's true. I know so many people who have been (/are) hurt and affected by it. I'm not in a "questioning-God-frame-of-mind" at this point in my life, but if I was I'm sure that would be at the top of my list.

Two of the four funerals I went to last year were because of cancer. Most of my relatives that have passed away during my lifetime have done so as a result of cancer. And I know plenty of people who are still here with us, but struggling against this complex, monstrous disease of many forms, including my own dear sweet grandmother.

I hate it.

I'm glad to say that, though, because frankly, I've been beginning to worry lately if my compassion for these kinds of things was momentarily tapped out. I don't mean to sound macabre, but death (i.e. many deaths) has been so much a part of my life in the past two years, that recently it hasn't been affecting me the way it once did, or the way I think it should, in terms of an emotional compassionate response to those who are involved. When my mom told me my grandmother had cancer, I'm pretty sure she was a little confused by my response, because I acted like she had just told me she was headed to the grocery store.

I'm not at all saying that I think about it all the time, but I can't deny that death has been a theme in my life these past two years, and I worry how long it's going to continue, with aging relatives and all that...

And just for now I won't go into why I believe death does not need to be a journey ending in darkness for the person who experiences it directly....but for the rest of us, for those who perhaps have to watch (or maybe worse, don't have a chance to watch) and then are left behind, it can be dark sometimes. It's a very hard thing.

Sorry for the selfish downer post and I hope it doesn't make anyone feel bad...just had to get it out of my system for today so that I can get back to and focus on enjoying the full life of the living...

It's funny....

2009-01-26T00:21:00.002-05:00

I often find myself getting all wistful and envious when I see pictures from or hear about friends who have traveled the world, finding adventures and meeting fascinating people all along the way....

I know this is partly because people like to say, "do it when you're young, before you're settled...it's now or never!" (invariably said by the people who consider themselves well past the "now" stage).

But, not until this weekend did it really occur to me that: 1) while I would have loved to have been "that girl" who was an international vagabond right out of college, what I gained by giving that up is turning out to be just as rewarding. I'm thriving in a career that I love because it challenges me personally, professionally and creatively, and I've been able to establish a lot of meaningful, life-enriching relationships with the people around me.

...and 2) I don't actually believe in "now or never" for most things, and certainly not that.

My second epiphany from the weekend is that for some people, what they love and what they're actually good at are different things, which tends to translate into what they do everyday (to make a buck) not being what they love. I happen to come very close to having the two be one and the same, and thank you God, that is freakin' awesome! Mmmhm. Really, thank you.

Introducing The Shiggles!

2009-01-23T12:18:00.003-05:00

I hope you enjoy this world premiere performance of The Shiggles, the hottest new dance-pop group since Pussycat Dolls...obviously.

For the Love of Art

2009-01-19T11:19:00.004-05:00

I stumbled across this amazing set of Disneyworld photographs...

I've never been, but if it were possible for the place to be as magical as these photos, my life would suddenly become incomplete without a visit.

I would also like to point out, especially to any Eisley fans out there, that Sherri Dupree is a magnificent illustrator/amateur photographer. I love her work.

~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * + ~ - * +

and i am quite pleased to say that i am mixing up my own creative dish, to be served, possibly, starting in a few months [by my brother and myself]....i shall say no more for now because i don't want to give anything away yet (in case it falls flat like a bad souffle). but i am ex-ci-TED, capital TED.

Thankful

2009-01-16T09:42:00.002-05:00

I am realizing more and more what a wonderful job I have. Sure, it might get a little tedious and boring every once in a while (whose job doesn't?), but mainly, it is a huge blessing in a whole lot of ways. I am so grateful.

And, I have reached a point in my life where I have many, many friends, probably more than the rest of my life combined. I LOVE it; my friends make my life so much the richer. I am very grateful.

I feel like my life is currently strangely void of major personal conflict and turmoil for once, and I am finding myself in a unique position (for me) to truly focus on giving to the people I love rather than getting from them. It's a strange but good state - I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully a long time. I am grateful for the opportunity...

Misery loves company ;)

2009-01-15T11:10:00.005-05:00

Romans 7:15-25
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I've appreciated that passage for years, sometimes WAY more than at other times....today is one of those days. Paul's words are so twisting and crazy-sounding in and of themselves (well, the English version of his words, anyway), not even to speak of their meaning, that they perfectly capture one of my greatest inner turmoils.

"Wretched."

"Rescue me?..."

"Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is anyone else super grateful this passage got written and stuck in the Bible where we would see it centuries later? The fact that Paul was as screwed up as me (and like me, probably in ways not visible to the general public) always makes me feel better, somehow. :)

If I could kick myself, I would...

2009-01-13T16:50:00.002-05:00

....for quitting my knee rehab way too early.

The first step: I am finally admitting to myself that not doing rehab for two months is not a "long break because I was busy;" that is quitting! Which is not an option if I want to have my knee back to normal.

AH! Moral and prayer support appreciated :) I think this moves to the top of my New Years Resolution list. My knee has regressed, and I know it's because I haven't been taking care of it during the healing process nearly as well as I should be. I absolutely must change this. There is NO way I'm going to let that freakin' expensive surgery be for nothing.

Denied!

2009-01-09T14:46:00.002-05:00

This makes me laugh...
...partly because it reminds me of the e-card my favorite aunt sent this past December, explaining why no one was getting anything this year.

Birthday (Month) Musings

2009-01-01T01:28:00.004-05:00

I don't know why, but I am tremendously excited to be turning twenty-five this month. I suddenly feel like I'm not a little girl anymore (a good thing, I think). A quarter of a century sounds quite grand to me, thank you.

Honestly, it's hard for me to understand why my nearing-30-years-old friends freak out about their age....they say that's because I'm "so young," of course. For some reason, I think of five years back as much younger, but five years ahead as not so much older at all. I don't know....maybe it bothers me that my "older" friends talk as they do because I'm losing my confidence that I won't feel just the same way when I reach that age.

I'd like to think I'll think the same way then as I do now, but let's face it...I'm just going to call it like I've been seeing it...there is apparently something terrible about being 30 and unmarried. I guess when you're 25, there's supposedly still so much promise ahead of you, but somehow in the intermittence of those short five years, promise turns into desperation -- if you're still single, that is. I keep telling my friends that no one on prime time tv (you know, where all is hip and chic) gets married until post-30, but that's usually when my friends roll their eyes at me.

I hate that so much of our hope for a happy life hangs on finding our soulmates. I really, really do. It's so distracting; it's so hard to focus on living for others and living for God when that deeply rooted desire is so consuming just because it's unfulfilled. I have friends who placate themselves (or try to) by remind themselves that the Lord is supposed to be our passion and portion and all that, and maybe that works for them...it doesn't seem to for me, because it just makes me feel more guilty -- because knowing that intellectually doesn't do much for me relationally or emotionally, which seems like another spiritual failing and I have enough guilt issues that I don't care to add to them by thinking about that..

Mainly, I love to enjoy the life God has given me, but the concerns of my older, likewise-single friends are scaring me into thinking this could one day cease to be the case...I don't want that. I'm not sure how to escape it, though. I'd rather be married before thirty, but if that doesn't happen, how am I supposed avoid the dreaded Bridget Jones singleton-as-pariah self-characterization? Please, please tell me that there are morally sound, content 30-year-olds out there who don't think their life is over because they're single but instead are still cheerfully optimistic about the future.

I'm so sleepy....I wonder if this post will make any sense at all in the morning..

Happy new year, friends.

Melinda's New Year's Resolutions Guidelines: 2009 Edition

2008-12-29T15:06:00.008-05:00

Let's recap.

Car care - I am doing somewhat better about taking care of my car. (I can only say that because I just took it in for maintenance for the first time this year...)
Gym - I was doing the gym thing pretty regularly for a while, seeing how I wanted to be able to walk without a limp...I have since 100% lapsed in this, though. Must resume rehab so i can stop lying to my therapist.
Move to Spain - this dream has been transferred to moving to London. Which will not happen in 2009, so this one doesn't even count yet.
Get paid to write - I don't think I got one thing published this year, much less paid for. (I have started writing a children's novel, though. And by "started" I mean I have thrown away what I've started and am now just thinking about it.)
Dance lessons - sadly, those didn't last long into 2008 :( Maybe I'll fit them in again once we get those eight-day weeks going!
Be a better friend - I think the fact that I have gotten better at this in some ways, coupled with the fact that I made a lot more friends in 2008 and had less time to spend with each friend, means that I about broke even this year.
Raven Rock - STILL haven't gone! wtc?
Improve cello-ing - given that I actually practiced at home a couple times this year, I'm thinking I did alright.
Volunteer - hah. Did that, then did that too much, then quit almost completely. "Balance" is my theme for 2009.
Paint - not enough.
Grow up - holy crap, I think that happened; I no longer feel like a child! It all started with a haircut..
Save $ - yes!! wow! Getting a real job for the first time seems to help with that.
Tattoo - not only did I finally decide on a design, I decided on it in three days and then got it! Still love it, ten months later...a good sign.
Mountain trip - not once, but twice, heyyyy
Decrease 3-C dependencies - cereal, chocolate, computers. I succeeded in one of the three! (A hint: I think the foods are a lost cause..) Of course, now I never answer my emails, oops.
Figure out my book - hah! I forgot about that one. And look, it's happening anyway :) kinda. Well, not so much. Hello, 2009.
Learn to use my camera - now that I have a camera that I actually like, this is finally in progress.
Photo shoot - cello + field. Still a no. It WILL happen one day.

So in addition to all the ones above that are still left wanting and therefore are transferable to each new year until finally achieved, here are Melinda's 2009 Guidelines:

Learn more French. It sounds pretty! (As of now, all I can say in French is, "Paris, I love you. Such is life. Let the good times role. The question is, will you?" Plus I can make propositions to men thanks to Moulin Rouge, but that hardly counts.)
Learn more guitar. Starting with the Beatles. Mmm.
Write a real song. Like, the kind that is finished, and not embarrassing.
Plan the Big UK Trip. Try to exclude fantasies about marrying a Brit uncannily similar to James McAvoy.
Sing in public. Whatever that means...at least once.
Be hot AND healthy. I'm convinced it's possible...maybe this is the year!
Learn to cook non-dessert foods; perhaps even plan a full meal once in a while, geez.
Keep my bedroom, house and car neat and clean. For more than two days straight.
Do whatever it takes to be able breathe better. This is probably related to the previous point, unfortunately.
Live without cable.
Be a better granddaughter.
Go on a real date or two. Or heck, go crazy and maybe even more than two. Why not? Oh wait, I know why not ;)
Visit my MD/VA friends!
Hang out at a monastery for a week. Since I already have a room reserved, this is like one of those things you add to a to-do list that you've already done, so that you can feel accomplished...
Play with little kids.
Clean out all my personal and work email inboxes. Ugh.
Start writing poetry again.

I should probably stop there...no need to make it unreasonably impossible. Kinda impossible is good enough, methinks.

Interesting column in the N&O today.

2008-12-18T12:52:00.001-05:00

"Why are Christian neighbors so aloof?"

If I remember, I might even come back later and give my reaction..

After all, i AM a girl :P :)

2008-12-17T13:33:00.010-05:00

I haven't had my wedding planned out since I was age 6. In fact, the only early wedding planning I've ever done (as in, it'll probably be at least several years before it's worth any serious consideration) is mainly in wondering how I could possibly arrange an elopement without making my family furious...

One chicken I have counted before it's hatched, though, is with kid names...I can't help it...I've been coming up with future-baby-names for years (odd, since the idea of having kids freaks me out kinda. I'm working on that..) And it may seem extreme that these are clearly more than mental notes (my memory's definitely not this good), but...see my blog title. I love words; names are words...it makes sense to me, anyway :)

So here's another glimpse into Melinda's psyche, or something. May you be entertained, or at least indulging enough to not make fun of me. :P

Boys

Aidan (but a friend already used this! hah oh well)
Brennan
Cadian
Connor
Hawken - really? I had forgotten this was on the list..not gonna lie, still kinda like it
Julian
Kellan - no, this has been on the list for years and has nothing to do with Twilight

annnd, the Girls list is tons longer (also odd, since I want a boy first)

Adriana or Ariana
Aubrey or Audra or Audrey
Aline - from one of my fav authors, Aline de Romanones
Avonlea - I think it's such a beautiful name, except it'd probably have to be spelled Avanlea or Evonlea because I'd hate for my kid to have Avon for a nickname...almost as bad as Mary Kay
Carmen
Elena
Elise
Ella
Elia or Elianna
Evelyn
Flynn - love this one
Gabrielle or Gabriella
Georgia
Irena - almost like me
Julian - almost like it better for a girl than a boy
Leila
London
Maeve
Margot
Mica
Natania
Natasha
Noel
Renata - i'd probably have to marry a latin or italian boy for that to work though :P
Rose
Sanna - as in short for hosanna...except it's probably no good, given how it sounds too much like a certain jolly elf
Sierra or Sienna
Sonia
Sophie
Tacy

Course, things change. When I was much younger, some of my favorite books were by a woman named Maud Hart Lovelace, and I declared to my mom that one day I wanted a daughter named Maud. Yikes.

Get thee to a nunnery!

2008-12-16T20:59:00.011-05:00

...or, how about a monastery? I've just found out that I'm going to be spending the week after Easter at a Trappist monastery in South Carolina.

I suppose this is related to the previous post a bit, but it's not a sudden decision, exactly. I've wanted to do it for years.

I say "just found out," though, because I merely inquired about room availability for "any of the weeks in April"...and the next day got an email back saying they had made a reservation for me the week after Easter. I was a little bemused but decided to roll with it.

Oh, and Trappists don't talk, or not most of the time, anyway. I've been wanting a quiet week; looks like I'm going to get one in a big way.

I'm really, really excited. And a little scared (in a good way). Spiritual development and communion and fellowship aside (which I of course look forward to, though with some trepidation...maybe I'll explain later), I'm also ecstatic about spending a full week away from conventional society.

I picked April hoping the weather would be fairly mild (and also because their flower gardens might be picking up about then...I love absorbing God through nature's beauty). "Guestmaster" Brother Stephen picked the week of Easter Sunday; I'm going with it.

It's funny; I'm already reminded that I will be spending time in a community of humans, not otherworldly, perfect saints. About a year ago, the Mepkin Abbey monks were embroiled in a controversy for the inhumane treatment of their chickens (though sadly, the said practices are pretty standard for most farmers). Even though they've done away with those practices (because, they said, the controversy was disrupting their monastic life), that was a bit disappointing. But...who am I kidding? They are human. Was I looking to spend time with perfect, sinless creatures? I'd have to go into the isolated wilderness to commune with God for that one, and I'm definitely not ready for that.

Anyway, I've never done anything remotely close to this. I've never even been to a Catholic mass, except one Easter when I was 13, I think. Definitely have never spent more than a day around people without talking, much less five. Definitely have never eaten a vegetarian diet for more than one meal at a time. Definitely have never had so much free time to be quiet and alone with God with only myself as a possible distraction.

I can't wait to hear what I have to share when I get back...hopefully something.

You know you are too busy when...

2008-12-15T13:52:00.004-05:00

You know you are too busy when you forget to open the email that's telling you it's time to pay your credit card bill.

Dang it!

A friend and I were joking the other day about how we need an extreme personal assistant to help us keep track of all our bills, insurance stuff, retirement plans, and to remind us to call Grandma on her birthday, bake for church this weekend and floss our teeth daily.

Seriously, I feel like I am constantly making efforts to become more organized, more responsible, more on top of things, but it never seems to be quite enough. AGHHH. I'm sure this is all part of learning to be an adult yadda yadda blah blah blah, but if I can barely handle things now (and half the time, I'm pretty sure I'm not) I don't want to think about what it will be like as my life gets more complicated.

Because I'm assuming it will. Our society, for all it's gadgetry and "self-helpthink" geared toward making our lives more simple, is still very steadily plodding along to more and more complexity, in my opinion.

Yeah, I'm sure it's been good for something. Well, I take that back; I'm not totally sure. Are more people really receiving more help to live better lives, or is all this complexity just shoving us toward bigger and better ways to increase our own comfort, financial success and sense of self-importance? Sometimes I question if it's really worth it.

I'm not going to lie; one reason I love reading books set in earlier time periods is because I love fantasizing about a time when our world had not be revolutionized by modern technology. Everything moved more slowly, I think, pre-internet and other tech advances. Yeah, we get more done, now...but at what cost? Our way of living has been forever changed, and (outside of medical advances) I really can't decide if the good outweighs the bad.

If you think I'm being melodramatic, let me tell you this: I have lived almost directly across the street from an acquaintance from church for more than a year now. Have we ever hung out, being about a 3-second walk from each other? Nope, because we didn't realize we were neighbors until last week! How did we not know this?? Once upon a time, there would have been no way to not know this.

Sigh...I love having cutting-edge medicine and DVDs, but other than that, I think modern life is too complicated for my taste.

all i want for Christmas...

2008-12-14T18:11:00.004-05:00

...is to be able to breathe normally. Seriously, Santa, that would be great!

that, and to find my good capo, dangit.

This is for Michelle.

2008-12-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

Heh ;)

mmmm, music..

2008-11-17T10:37:00.002-05:00

I just went with KT to see the Rescues at the Pour House this weekend...

It was wonderful. They're four singer-songwriters who decided to join up for a band, which means a lot of 3-and-4-part harmonies...which is rare, and absolutely LOVErly.

I did love it, though the whole time I had that bittersweet feeling I get when I'm listening to music that is just the kind of music I love most, done very well. Because I can't stop thinking, "I could DO this!...if only...I would just do it."

I don't know why I know that I'll never throw everything down to chase after such an ambition, but...I know I won't. It's kind of strange. But I feel sure, somehow, that there's a way to do it small-scale, every once in a while, just for fun. We'll see if that works out!... :)

Edward Cullen = exactly our brand of heroin

2008-11-12T10:01:00.004-05:00

Twilight.

It is a phenomenon.

It has been hailed (by young women) as the "first textually transmitted disease." And if that sounds ridiculous, well, yes, it is - and basically true. I have honestly never before seen (for girls, anyway) such an en masse and intense addiction to, well, anything, especially a book series (or, a particular character, if we're honest). Or maybe it just seems that way to me because I got caught up in it myself :P

Heck, just the fact that my bff is reading the book at all is evidence enough that we can't stay away. ;)

I'm not even gonna say much more about the books themselves...but what I will say is that I can't stop thinking about the social-psychological pulls it has on my demographic. We are in love with the story of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen; we are in love with him--why? Here's a hint: for most of us, it has absolutely nothing to do with vampires.

Stephenie Meyer hit it right on the money (literally) when she tapped into most every girl's fantasy: to find an amazing guy who is so wildly in love with her that it's almost incomprehensible.

I'm not gonna lie; it kind of freaks me out, the effect Edward and Twilight have on us. Most of my life I've done a neat job of keeping the unrestrained, reckless love-dreaming at bay, and whether or not that's a good thing is up for debate - but what is not, is the fact that Twilight has dealt those efforts a certain blow, for me and many of my fellow ladies.

Simply put...it's just freakin' crazy.

I've only read the first book, and I'm trying to put off starting the second for as long as I can...but, I doubt that will be very long at all. I'm an addict; what can I say?

BAHhaha....ouch

2008-11-06T13:31:00.002-05:00

This, my friends, is why Facebook should be used with care:

(And also why I love passiveaggressivenotes.com)

look what i did!

2008-11-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

I'm on the far end in the yellow shirt...handling that semiautomatic like I know what's what!

just kidding.

I'm not really a fan of guns, unlike (I think) most of the other people in that picture...but I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be.

I'm not gonna lie, after you get over the shock of "I just shot a real bullet from a real gun," it's kind of fun...on the range. I still kinda wish our society didn't have guns, though.

iwishimayiwishimight

2008-11-03T14:41:00.003-05:00

-be able to make big decisions in less than 5 minutes-

-start the Twilight series without getting addicted-

-get to sing more, or, at all-

-rewind a couple weeks and actually make it to the fair-

-stop getting distractedly bored at work-

-play outside more-

-play with my friends more-

-learn how to never need sleep again-

-fall in love with a boy at the same time he's falling for me-

-make time to clean up the 100's of fotos on my camera-

-finally finish an art project instead of just starting another-

-learn how to always keep my house clean-

-learn how to enjoy cooking-

-(or if not that, learn how to survive on baked goods)-

-go to the movies more often-

-always remember God's astonishingly brilliant love and grace-

-finish knee rehab soon-

-be a more loving friend/daughter/granddaughter/sister-

:: stop wishing and start doing ::

Why I hate election season.

2008-10-31T12:46:00.008-04:00

One of the hardest things I have experienced, in this election season, is the difficulty of not being swayed by the opinions of people I know and/or care about.

It's pretty internally infuriating, because these people fall very hard on both sides of the election, especially presidentially-speaking.

I want to make up my own mind...and yet, I hear compelling arguments from both sides. And yes, you're reading this right - except for the senate race, I have yet to 100% make up my mind about who I am voting for in ANYthing.

At least I decided to vote, period, a decision that only came in the last few months. I eventually decided that it's not a good reason to vote just because I don't support any one candidate; instead, I hope to figure out who I'm in the least favor of, and then vote for the other guy. I realized there's probably a 0.0001 percent chance that in my lifetime, a candidate (for any office) will arise with whom I fully agree. So I'm trying to get over that.

(Actually, the ultimate decision-maker for me was when I read an article on the women's suffrage movement...I couldn't not vote after reading some of what I did. Even if it kills a little piece of me to vote for someone I'm not completely behind.)

I mentioned in a workshop the other day that I'm not a political person, and I could tell by some others' reactions that they thought this meant I don't really care about politics. This isn't true. I think politics are important, in many ways; it's just that I get so angry and frustrated with many aspects of the political realm (oh, pessimist me), that I can't even stand to think about it. There are other things more important to me that require my passion.

And that, my friends, is why I hate election season: I can hardly bear to think about all that it means, but since I have a social conscience, I kind of have to...

I saw a wonderfully snarky bumper sticker today:

2008-10-27T15:01:00.008-04:00

"Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees,
and then name streets after them."

Touché.

I spent my teen years growing up in a place called The Glen at Harrington Grove (HG also consisted of the Arbor, the Oaks, etc...). To its credit, the older parts of the subdivision did manage to keep a good number of trees, sort of.

Of course, just outside that neighborhood there used to be cow pastures and a few scattered cottage-y homes. Now, instead, there is a shopping center, and I-540.

I thought I wasn't supposed to be able to tell stories like that until I had grandkids...

i do not understand

2008-10-26T17:29:00.003-04:00

why every time i take a long nap, i wake up feeling nauseated. what an annoying ending to such a wonderful thing.

i'm sure everyone wanted to know that. :P

pretty fascinating!

2008-10-21T11:32:00.005-04:00

Well...it is if your name is Melinda Irene Pearce, anyway.

I love reading old stuff I've written, especially poems. It's so interesting to me, that I could write something five years ago that I could have written yesterday, and at the same time have written something a year ago that I don't even recognize/seems like it was written by another person.

I think it's funny that probably at least 50% of the time, I can't even remember what prompted my writing any given poem. Just goes to show, I guess, that a lot of things aren't nearly as big a deal as you think they are, in the moment.

I kind of like that. :)

holy weekend, batman!

2008-10-18T22:48:00.002-04:00

What a blur of a fin de semana...

Robyn and I brilliantly decided to drive to Charlotte (aka not Charlotte, but Cornelius) to see Derek Webb And Friends on Friday night. 1 massive traffic jam and several erroneous turns later, we at least made it in time to see And Friends. Well, okay, we made it for one DW piece, and then they kind of mishmashed around together...and it was actually quite good! ArtMusicJustice...it was rejuvinating, in a way.

Post-show and several more erroneous turns later, we finally wound up at Michelle's apartment (which should have been only 4-5 minutes down the road...sadly, it was not, thanks to me. Thank you Robyn for repeatedly saving me from my apparently-still-challenged sense of direction). And thank you Jinglchelle for putting us up, and for thinking about making us cookies, that really was sweet of you! :) haha

FF to 6am this morning...we drive to Durham, where I kindly ditch Robyn at Whole Foods and proceed to take my FINAL CLASS for my Duke certification for nonprofit management! Hurrah!!

Ironically, the class, which was Public Speaking, taught me some vital points that helped to calm my nerves for tonight. And by "tonight," I mean finally achieving one of my longstanding goals and singing while accompanying myself on guitar! (Well, "accompanying." good enough for me.) Hurrah x2!

And by "helped to calm my nerves," I mean allowed me to not just simply get onstage at all, but to enjoy it, too. Who knew? Although, I definitely had to laugh when Katie P asked me how many times I had to pee before I was on...yep, that would be four times. Can you imagine what would have happened if the nerves had been full force? eh. let's not. :)

And tomorrow...yet another challenge...I'm supposed to start Muay Thai again, or so urges my physical therapist. We'll see if it happens tomorrow; I'm thinking a long nap might also be very welcome. Though I'll hopefully get back on the horse soon. I don't believe I've ever had to do that for anything. I remain conflicted. But I'm at least going to try.

Overall...a whirlwind but grand weekend :)

if i were a female music mashup...

2008-10-13T16:39:00.011-04:00

i would want to be:

her,

and her,

a good bit o' her,definitely some her

and a wholllle lotta her.

Where Did All the MEN Go? [an open letter to the male gender]

2008-10-10T10:27:00.015-04:00

I have this friend, and she is awesome. The guys love her (really, everyone does!). She is a woman who will grab your attention, because she is just so beautiful, inside and out.

She's had boyfriends, and almost-boyfriends, and has been single for a while lately. She was recently asked out for a dinner date.

You'd think that's no big deal, right? But here's the sad thing. For all her dating over the years, that was the first time a new guy asked this amazing woman specifically out for a real, intentional date. No confusing "talking" period. No masking it as hanging out. No "friendlationship" crap. He was a guy who knew what he wanted: to take my friend out for a fun evening and get to know her more. And so he simply asked her! He didn't waste his time -- or more importantly, hers.

Let me tell you something - that, in and of itself, was attractive. And rare.

I guess when you're in high school and college, people are still kids and have to be all weird about everything. I guess.

If you are a male who is past college-age, though, I have a message for you: grow up, and man up to the challenge. If you're interested in getting to know a girl, do her a favor and just ask her out--on a real date, mind you. "Hanging out" is a misleading waste of time. (Unless you really just want to be friends, and then it's fine, of course! But in my opinion, unless you're already good friends with the lady, hanging out is most safely done with more people than just the two of you. No one likes mixed messages.)

Right, so she might turn you down. Getting turned down sucks, surely...but regardless of her response, if she's like nearly every woman I know, she will respect you a lot more if you are upfront, than if you putz around making her guess at what you're really up to.

(Oh yeah -- for this to work right, I think men AND women have to recognize a date for what it is -- a single square on the calendar. It shouldn't be equated with anything it is not, like commitment, marriage, love, etc. It doesn't even have to mean "I like you"...just simply, "I want to know you at least a little better." No pressure there, on either side. Right? Am I crazy?)

I know many guys have good intentions when they try to hang out with their lady of interest without actually asking her out. But you know how we women feel when we get the drift of what's going on? Oftentimes, we feel manipulated. We feel like you are trying to trick us into liking you. That is not fertile ground for growing respect, my friends.

And if you feel that the only way you can "get a girl" is to trick her, well...first of all, that's probably not true, if you're a decent guy with integrity; and second of all, it's your issue to resolve - don't do her the disservice of protecting your insecurities by being ambiguous or unclear. It's 2008, and upfront honesty is still the best policy.

(You've seen the movie scene...guy who's trying to ask out girl says, "I'm really nervous/bad at this." Does girl say, "What? You are such a freaking loser; get out of my face!" No - if she is a decent woman with compassion, she thinks it's sweet. :P)

So, to mash up my platitudes: if you can't do something honestly and openly, don't do anything at all.

I'm sure that should be taken to heart by everyone, not just guys. But I have to laugh (not really) that among our many stereotypes, we women are "hard to read"...we expect that men should be able to "read our minds"...we don't "say what we mean"...

These days, that door swings both ways so hard, it's about to come off its hinges.

Not being a guy, I don't know what the big deal is with asking women out, except for maybe that whole "rejection" thing. What a terrible word. When women say "no," we are saying no to a date with you. We are not saying, "I reject you as a human being." Just because one chick turns you down for a date doesn't mean that you're worthless, or that no other women could possibly take you up on it! Remember, it's just a square on a calendar...not the end of the world.

The funny (or sad) thing is, I don't know many women at all who are even given chances to say no...or yes.

So, guys, you should do yourselves, and us, a favor. Be courageous. Be honest. Be men.

[tasteful comments/rebuttals are welcome...]

ramble and muse (again)

2008-10-08T22:44:00.006-04:00

i am listening to Shiny Toy Guns' "Le Disko"....if that song does not make you want to be a rock star, I don't know what could.

my life has been a ridiculous whirlwind the past few months, and while the job-related contribution to that isn't going to slow down for at least a few more weeks probably, i am forcing the rest to chill out. i miss hanging out with people i love. and i miss taking care of myself (sleep, etc.). i am excited :) i am going to paint again soon! i am going to play an instrument that is not the cello at an open mic night! i am chopping half my hair off tomorrow! i am getting to bed by 11pmish instead of 2amish!

[clearly, my job has sapped all the written eloquence out of me lately. :P but let the spastic sprawling thoughts continue...]

I went to my first therapy session on Monday for dealing with some family-related issues, and it was great and went by way too fast. i have said for years that I think everyone could probably benefit from therapy/counseling of some kind, and i am finally following my own advice. it's going to be...who knows what, but "ultimately a very good thing," i am quite certain. not easy...but good. i am so thankful for the opportunity. and excited about what it might mean for me.

i went to yet another funeral last week. my hallmate at work had a heart attack over the weekend. he was often the only one around when i had to work late into the night (he sometimes worked nights instead of days b/c of certain health issues). he was a funny guy, a gem i wish i had known better. i still forget he's not there sometimes. i walked into his office yesterday, and an open Coke can was still sitting on his desk.

i don't mean this morbidly, but i think it's so strange how much death i've had to experience this year. i guess i'm just grateful none of it was really with someone very personally close to me...though my heart goes out to those for whom it was..

well, there were many more thoughts swirling through my head, but now that Rich Price [if his songs do not make you want to fall in love i don't know what could] is playing, i am getting sleeepy :) goodnight. may my next post be more coherent.

Music is my boyfriend.

2008-09-30T23:28:00.007-04:00

...That used to be the joke, back in college, when I did not really date real boys and spent most of my free time trying-to-or-making music. (If you want a good laugh, look at Melinda's old band...old enough that people weren't even using MySpace that much yet!)

But alas, my lover's gone...where'd you go? i miss you so...seems like it's been forever since you've been gone!..you know i love you...

(haha. i've always found it so interesting how easily love/romance/relationship metaphors are applied to music and especially to musical endeavors.)

and really, i love my friends, and i do miss classical music as much as everything else, but playing in friends' weddings just isn't quite what i'm talking about.

i miss road trips to random gigs in random cafes with next-to-no space...
i miss friends showing up in other cities just to support us
i miss awkward tune changes when the guys would try to make me kill time with the mic
i miss playing at Berkeley Cafe and being told i'm a badass "cello player"
i miss finally gathering the courage to show people i could sing
i miss accidentally awesome jam sessions
i miss a capella duets with my Tara Shannon (I've got everything we ever did tattooed on my heart)
i miss "roadie" Ginny helping with my music as it inevitably flutters everywhere!
i miss pulling off the hardest classical piece of my life without a teacher's help
i miss playing a part for the world premiere of a very talented classical composer! :)
i miss having a reason to hit up Sam Ash for specialized gear
i miss the joy of finally ditching some of the sheet music
i miss my case getting more compliments than me or my instrument combined
i miss being told i'm effing awesome by drunken music aficcionados
i miss feigning coolness for a photo shoot
i miss finally finding the exact right riff to fit the puzzle
i miss enjoying studio sessions
i miss putting myself to sleep with my borrowed guitar
i miss bumming rides to practice. Wait, not really...
...but i do miss harmonica send-offs on the return trip home!

Oh, Music. I miss you. I hope you're doing well.
;)

[image fm adriano agullo]

PS, if you can identify all the songs used in this post, you win a copy of OneLessFrame's "Biggest Hits: Straight From the Creek." (Sorry, Mich, you are probably the only person who could win this, but you're also probably the only person who already owns the prize...hah :)

I cannot beg you enough: please don't drink and drive.

2008-09-26T22:53:00.008-04:00

...because it is not an exaggeration to say that if you do so, you could end up dead, or in prison.

My cousin Joanna was newly engaged and about to receive her teacher's license, when she was killed by another woman who chose to drive after drinking. Today, almost a year and half later, that woman was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

As my uncle said,

"There are no winners in a court like this."

Antonia Ramirez: Sentenced to 10 years in prison

Joanna Dalton Knepper

September 4, 1982 - April 22, 2007

"The Death of Evelyn and the Failure of the Church"

2008-09-24T20:16:00.003-04:00

...a compelling article by my friend Hugh.

Check it out.

death is weird

2008-09-11T11:50:00.004-04:00

Even for "the believer," who believes that death is only the gateway for being fully united with Christ, ...death is still weird. especially when it's unexpected.

As of last week, a college friend and her family are having to weather her father's taking of his life.

A few weeks before that, another friend lost one of her best friends to a lake accident.

Months before that, my pastor's sweet life ended her battle with a brain tumor.

About a year before that, my cousin's life was taken in a car accident.

And I just got a random message from the younger sister of my childhood best friend, who passed away from a severe asthma attack shortly after I moved across the country. Clearly, over a decade later, her sister is still processing the loss of Jennifer (naturally).

(huh.. clearly, over a decade later, I am too.)

I kind of feel like I'm in this exclusive club for people who have known and loved other people who died in unexpected ways, "before their time."

All I can say for now is, it's a weird club! It truly is.

True Stories

2008-09-09T18:45:00.003-04:00

I was sitting in a hospital waiting room once, watching people and wondering what was going on in their lives. (I find hospitals and airports are good for that, given you spend so much time just sitting, and waiting.)

I started taking notes in my journal, I'm not sure why, and at one point copied down snatches of a phone conversation being had by a woman nearby: "I hate this place...I know, I know, listen to me. I haven't told anyone else—I haven't told anyone else. As much as it would kill me, I would do that for you. I love her more than me."

I couldn't possibly grasp any of her meaning, of course, but the next thing I wrote in my journal was simply, she's in pain. And then I stopped writing, I suppose because I was either done waiting, or couldn't bear to speculate any more about what was going on in the lives around me. Probably both.

I think about that woman now, and wonder why she hadn't "told anyone else" about this thing that was clearly a source of pain. And I think about the man on whom I was waiting in that room that day, a man who used to be very sick with AIDS, and who is now relatively healthy with AIDS, and I think about how you could never, ever know a glimpse of his true story just to look at him.

I think about how no one could ever know a glimpse of my true story to just to look at me.

Truth is, I've become convinced that every person has a story that can't be guessed at from the surface—they're stories that need to be told, if only someone was willing to listen.

A woman I admire recently posed the question, "why, as a society, are we not encouraging people to heal?" It's a good question, and it's something I've wondered myself for years, ever since I realized I had true stories that needed to be told in order for healing to come to pass. I’ve wondered, because some of them are stories that I can still barely share, having experienced that most people either don't want or don't know how to receive them.

The question at hand is not why we are inclined to keep our true stories to ourselves, but rather, why are we so inclined to try to shield ourselves from the brokenness of others (and consequently discourage people from healing)? It's pretty ironic, given that I have yet to get to know a person and then find that they haven't been broken in some way, themselves.

Every year, my church does a series of Sunday mornings in which our pastor interviews some folks who have been broken in one way or another. It's largely done to be authentic to the reality that a life of faith is not “perfect”-Christian-flavored peaches 'n' cream, and that it's disingenuous (not to mention unhealthy) to pretend it should be.

As a secondary effect, I imagine it can potentially be pretty cathartic for those being interviewed. I know from experience, though, that being in such an exposed situation might be much more than cathartic; it might be absolutely, terrifyingly necessary. Which is why it makes me sad to hear of the occasional complaint that, "this thing you’re doing up there on the stage— it isn't church." If you can't tell your story in church, where people are supposed to “be like Jesus” and therefore love you no matter what you've done or what has been done to you, where can you tell it?

So I guess it's no surprise that, having no such directive to love unconditionally, the rest of the world tends to be wary of people’s true stories (or tends to assume that one can guess at these stories, based on surface appearances). And I’m sure social scientists could point to some cultural, spiritual or other sorts of trends that have led to such mindsets. But none of that is the point, is it?

The point is that socially, we are somehow shamed into silence, when we should be encouraged to be open. Take, for example, the many women enduring some kind of abuse or exploitation who don't seek help because of shame, because the pain they live in somehow seems better than the pain of being exposed. Some cultures actually even hold to the belief that a woman who has been raped has been shamed, and that she ought to prefer death to being exposed and bringing that shame to her family. It's an extreme example, maybe, but it all stems from the same root problem, doesn't it? We aren't okay with being up-front-and-personal with the darker elements of that woman's story.

If we want to be healthier individuals with a healthier society, we must become a society that encourages people to heal. And this can only genuinely happen when people feel the freedom to share their true stories. So yes, it will probably take working through a good deal of discomfort to first enter into a world of brokenness, whether your own or someone else’s. But the thing is, the sense of shame, and the silence it causes—they’re holding us back.

I think about the woman on the phone in the hospital, and wonder where her life is now. Has she been able to tell anyone?

[photo by rwangsa on Flickr]

..Go CU...rah rah..

2008-08-27T11:47:00.004-04:00

Sorry but this is hilarous:

"[Head Coach Steele] has a feeling he put together a better team than he thought he could in the first couple of years, not that much is expected of Campbell. Jeff Sagarin's preseason computer ranking lists the Fighting Camels at No. 244 among 245 college football teams.

Steele and his staff won't know for sure what they have until Saturday. 'It'll be a surprise for the kids, for us, for everybody,' Williams said. 'Heck, I don't know what's gonna happen.'"

I can't wait to witness this historic (non?-) event on Saturday. Bahaha.

The Fighting Camels are fierce. Grrr.

Balance? what?

2008-08-25T21:49:00.003-04:00

I used to work for the Alliance of AIDS Services. We never had enough money. I remember being told if I wanted a stapler, I was going to have to buy it myself. I remember when we had to cut back on bus tickets we gave out, and how well that went over. I remember seeing some of the same people over and over, always in trouble. I remember frustrated conversations about how when it came down to it, we were a band-aid, a temporary fix. We were treating symptoms (in more ways than one).

I now work for a small nonprofit organization that was birthed out of a gift of $6 million. We have lots of money. We don't treat symptoms; we are trying to change the system. We spend money in ways that are structured (we hope) to change the system. We also spend unreal amounts of money on things like balloons, conferences, and awards dinners.

I don't like how some of our money is spent; it seems cavalier, really. Maybe it's because never in my life have I ever been around a lot of money, and so what is pennies to some people (people who are used to being in control of a lot of green) is a huge, huge amount to me. The strange thing is, we actually are more conscientious with how we use our money than most charitable organizations. Scary thought.

I wonder, now that I have been on both extreme ends of the spectrum, could I ever be happy with either side? Because I'm finding out that when I'm on one end, I'm wishing I were on the other. I'm either wishing we had more money, or wishing we didn't waste so much of it.

So I'm thinking that I'm going to have to figure out another way to be okay with whatever employment I happen to be fulfilling at the moment.

...and that's just my work balance, not to speak of the rest of my life....ay de mi....

oh, you Christian hipsters, you.

2008-08-23T11:56:00.004-04:00

My friend and fellow abolitionist Mike was laughing that we are now a Mother Jones cliche...the magazine did an article on Hellraisers: The Next Generation, complete with with an artistic rendition of all the "types" of modern rabble-rousers.

#2 = "The Christian Hipster. Causes du jour: ending sex slavery, starting Bible study in a bar."

Love it :P

love, please

2008-08-20T09:55:00.003-04:00

My Chelle just got back from a trip to Seattle and brought with her some awesome pics (Seattle seriously looks awesome and now I want to go, too).

I just love this one and had to post it.

Miracle Child

2008-08-18T17:25:00.004-04:00

I can't not post this story about a little girl from my old home church. This church has experienced the unusual situation of having three lovely ladies struggling with brain tumors (and it's not a large church, either). One, from what I know, is still going back and forth in her battle. The second, our pastor's wife, went home to be with the Lord earlier this year (that may raise questions for some folks, so I will just point you to my pastor's blog and let him explain things).

The third and youngest is experiencing a miraculous recovery. Praise God! --

"Last week Cali had her much anticipated 3 month MRI visit combined with her post-transplant assessment. We are extremely happy to report that the MRI was clean and that her heart and lungs are perfectly fine!! Praise the Good Lord!! The day was a very long one for all three of our little angels but they came through it beautifully. The nurses just loved on little Cali and she was putting on quite a show for everyone. She was giving kisses and hugs to just about everybody which just lit the room up with smiles. Cali was also counting to 10, repeating every word possible, and even showed the doc. that she could stand up straight with no help at all. Doc. was very pleased with how well Cali is progressing, so pleased infact that he chose to reveal a heart touching bit of information about the night Cali first arrived at Duke with her tumor. He told the medical student side-kick that was making rounds with him that Cali was truly a "miracle child," because her condition was so bad on the night that she arrived that one of the doctors in the room pretty much gave up on Cali and left the room in heartache. That makes me cry just thinking about that statement. Looking at her now, and thinking about that night makes me fall on my knees and give thanks to God that he put his healing hand upon her. Cali is doing so very well and we want to thank everyone for keeping her in your prayers. God Bless and live each day expecting that there will be no tomorrow."

"Good sex" is definitely a matter of opinion.

2008-08-14T17:29:00.007-04:00

I know that sex is taboo in some "proper" [aka conservative] circles, but I think that's a problem. Don't believe me? People--parents and mentors, especially--should be talking about this (regardless of whether they have a problem talking about sex, or don't, or just don't even care).

Not to mention the fact that it's absolutely shocking that anyone over the age of 18 could possibly be a virgin. I mean, really, doctors can't believe it (mine doesn't), so why should anyone else, right? ...I really don't get it.

Except, I do. That's the culture we live in. In-your-face sexuality is such a latent part of our society that many people 1) can't comprehend something that diverges from that, and 2) aren't even seeing it for what it is, most of the time (again, just read this).

Yes, I get bitter about our culture sometimes...my bad.

[musical milestone] AHHHH!!

2008-08-13T10:04:00.005-04:00

So I have wanted to be able to accompany myself on guitar for YEARS, instead of depending on other people all the time...

I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!

I have learned one of my favorite songs -- Patty Griffin's "Making Pies" -- and I can play it, and sing it, at the same time...and without feeling very embarrassed.

This is an incredibly simple thing to some people, I know...but I can't believe it's actually finally happened. All these recent (work)nights of staying up til 1:30 in the morning because that's the only time I have to practice are finally paying off.

one day. watch out, world ;P

By His Power

2008-08-07T22:01:00.009-04:00

Note: This post is best read while listening to Sufjan Steven's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL" ;-)

From time to time--sometimes for intellectual reasons, sometimes for hardship reasons, sometimes for no reason at all--a piece of me wants to question the whole God bit. I dance around it, really, not actually wanting to disbelieve that to which I've clung for most of my life. But in spite of my continuing determination to cling to faith “in things unseen,” I can't help but want proof, sometimes.

It's always been like that. And the proof I've always found--irrefutable proof, to me--is what I've seen in people's lives. Uncanny hope, victory against the odds, miraculous changes...and, every so often, I am blessed to find this proof in my own life.

For the past three and a half months, I've been struggling to recover from a reconstructive surgery for a ruptured ACL. Ironically, the struggle hasn't been physical, as I've been flying through my rehab (much to my physical therapist's constant surprise). The struggle has actually been related to some insurance mishaps--a situation that has left me trying to figure out how I'd pay for the $15,000+ of remaining medical bills, should it come to that.

It has been such a weight. At the time of my surgery, I was basically an intern, and definitely living on an intern's salary. So for the past three and a half months, I've been wavering between trying to stave off despair--what would I do if these bills came my way??--and trying to trust what I'd heard and believed so many times, that God is in control. I've been trying to live my life normally, but for three and a half months there has been this vast concern, just lurking in the background. I've prayed, usually more helplessly than cheerfully.

This morning, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that my insurance companies would be switching next week, due to a new job. And just as suddenly, it occurred to me that I had to finish my insurance appeal paperwork--today, if I wanted to get it in by the deadline. I dashed to my computer and worked on it most of the rest of the day, still trying not to ask, what happens if this doesn't work? What if it doesn't get there on time?

Several hours later, as I drove home, I couldn't help but dwell on what a heavy burden I felt. In spite of myself, my mind kept wandering to one idea--"why?" I know life isn't always fair, but it just didn't seem right. I had sustained the knee injury while training to become a better self defense instructor, a passion God had dumped in my lap about a year ago. And a big reason I had managed not to finish my insurance appeal earlier was because I had been investing countless hours to help organize some anti-human-trafficking efforts in my area.

I didn't blame God for such an unfair return on my hard work--that's life, sometimes. But it still sucked. It was still wearing and weighing me down.

As I pulled into my driveway, depressed, I again tried consoling myself with the idea that God is in control, and that He is going to take care of me, whatever that ends up meaning. This thought inspired a slight shimmer of peace, at least enough to soften the frown I had been wearing the whole drive home.

Coming inside, on the coffee table I saw two envelopes my roommate had left for me from the mail. One was pink, with a handwritten address but no return address; the other was from the hospital. Another bill. Always one to take the bad news first, I anxiously opened the bill.

But it wasn't a bill. It was a notice informing me that the hospital had reviewed my application for financial hardship, and had decided to dismiss 80% of the charges I had incurred.

Stunned with disbelief, I turned to the pink mystery envelop, and pulled from it a single sheet of paper. In large, colorful letters, were written the words, "It's all for Him," along with a single Bible verse: "For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power and everything is for his glory" (Romans 11:36).

...Except I could barely read through the verse, given that by this time, of course, my eyes were completely flooded. (I later found out it had been sent by a friend, who simply had felt led to mail the verse to me.)

Overwhelmed, shocked, grateful and awed beyond words, I paced my house, humming a beautiful Sufjan Stevens melody that had been in my head all day. Realizing I didn't actually know any of the words, I went to look them up. Sucker for symbolism that I am, I was halfway daring the lyrics to fit the moment, so I wasn't even that surprised at what I read:

When the revenant came down
We couldn't imagine what it was
In the spirit of three stars
The alien thing that took its form
Then to Lebanon, oh God
The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow
Oh, history involved itself
Mysterious shade that took its form
Or what it was, incarnation, three stars
Delivering signs and dusting from their eyes

So once again, I've found myself with the proof that my mind, and even my heart, sometimes crave - proof that God loves, that God cares, that God is. And I am so humbled.

Teens stripping online for charity....way to go, Virgin Mobile

2008-08-06T17:40:00.003-04:00

Seriously?

Virgin has since changed its campaign (somewhat), after receiving massive criticism during a test run. But they obviously still don't get it...as if scribbling out the word "strip" (so that you can still read it) and saying "unzip me" is going to discourage any such videos á la the campaign's original intent.

As both a marketer and a nonprofit worker, I'm gonna say something I've thought for a long time: I think that sometimes, cause marketing is just shit.

And Virgin definitely crossed the line on this one.

CRAZY Japanese water art

2008-08-06T12:45:00.002-04:00

how funny

2008-08-02T08:24:00.004-04:00

So I'm distantly related to this guy through the Rand name, which apparently means that I have some (very distant) black cousins in Atlanta. Whoulda thunk it :)

Call + Response: The Film

2008-08-01T20:53:00.001-04:00

"Never forget - justice is what love looks like in public!" -Dr. Cornel West

(*Give it a minute to load; it's worth it!)

Attn: wannabe Raleigh street performers

2008-08-01T18:11:00.004-04:00

(putting in a plug for me dear ol' dad, the VP of SP..)

Streetlight Productions exists to help you improve your art of street performance. They do cool stuff for Raleigh's street performers (and those who want to become one), like offering deeply discounted street performance permits and workshops geared toward mastering the street art scene...

Just stick to the music, Bono!

2008-08-01T15:59:00.002-04:00

...is what some people are saying (and have been saying).

I just don't know. Yes, part of me thinks it's a bit dodgy that he legally moved (or the band did? I can't remember which) so that his U2 money wouldn't have to go to Irish taxes. But then again, isn't he using that untaxed money for good? (Or as Shane Claiborne might ask, if he's using the money to further the kingdom of God rather than furthering the government's agenda, what's the problem? Though I'm not saying that's what he's doing.)

I know a lot of people, my father included, think some of Bono's philanthropic efforts are misguided. He does indeed have the power to influence a lot of people, and that influence shouldn't be taken lightly.

But really...he could be using his fame and fortune to glamorize a crappily hedonistic celebrity lifestyle, couldn't he?

That's all I'm saying.

(PS - somewhat unrelatedly, how's this for irony)

Mysterium fidei

2008-07-22T22:14:00.004-04:00

...mystery of faith...

I just got back from the Jesus for President tour stop in Raleigh, and am fascinated. What an evening of beautiful storytelling, heartwrenching music and discomforting challenges.

There were heavy southern (American) accents, old timey bluegrass, and Middle Eastern wails. Letters from soldiers, and scorn of America as the world's god. There was love overflowing, and messages that would make my patriotic father furious, most likely.

Surprisingly, Shane Claiborne and friends touched on many struggles I've been dealing with for several years related to politics, patriotism, the role of the Church, and what the gospel of Christ really means for the world, and the United States of America, today.

Lots to think about.

breaking the musicfast!

2008-07-16T12:16:00.007-04:00

More than a year ago (several?) I basically stopped buying music. For real. For the same reason that I try not to buy chocolate, or buy ice cream, or start watching a new series I've never watched online (where all the episodes are available at once): once I start, I very nearly can't stop. Pandora.com is probably the only thing that allowed me to do this; otherwise I would have died inside from lack of new music. But I think it's time for the fast to end, and I can't wait to start splurging on...

Beyoncé! Somehow I own nothing of her music...I think she is one of the most talented pop (in the broad sense) music-makers out there today. girl power music at its best - love it.
Over the Rhine. newly introduced to them and she's basically who I want to be.
Emilliana Torrini. beautiful voice, entrancing music.
Eisley's newest album...i'm still steaming from having gotten the time wrong for a recent show, and walking in right after they finished.
The Album Leaf. chill and pretty.
Sufjan Stevens. been listening to him for years...to the same 4 songs. dumb. no more.
Patty Griffin...everything I don't already have :)
Bjork
Chris Thile
Nickel Creek - everything! i only had one album, and I've lost even that one. not owning NC is like an insult to music.
Rocky Votolato
Mason Jennings. his music makes me feel so happy, haha
The Frames. going backward from having listened to The Swell Season first, the Frames are just as great.
Coldplay's newest. I feel silly even admitting that one.
Ray LaMontagne...everything i don't already have.
Rich Price.
Damien Rice! how do i only have 2 songs?? ridiculous.
...and more Ray Charles, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Doris Day, Rosemary Clooney, Rachmaninoff, Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Turina, Mozart, Beethoven, Elgar..

And that's pretty much scratching the surface. mmmmm i can almost taste the forthcoming musical goodness now :)

Love & Loss

2008-07-12T09:43:00.003-04:00

A dear friend of mine is working through his fourth month since his wife of many years passed away from cancer. By no means is he dealing with any kind of hopeless despair (his blog can show you why) but experiencing his grief and loss is certainly the most prominent feature of his life at this time.

At one point he said something I've heard many times before: "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all."

That's something I've never really believed, at least not for my nature and personality. But, oddly enough, I've been having to concede that perhaps that is the only kind of loss of love I would accept if it meant having the kind of love that my friend and his wife so clearly shared when she was alive. I say odd, because I truly cannot imagine a more painful kind of loss - and that loss is only so great because the love was so great - and yet the greatness of the love makes the prospect of such pain worthwhile, or at least bearable.

But I have witnessed other kinds of love lost that I want nothing to do with; and there is where I don't believe it's "better to have loved and lost." There are some things, in my mind, that don't make the loss worthwhile.

Again, that's for myself, anyway. My concession there, though, has to be that maybe I can only say that because I've never been in love and so don't know what I'm missing. But still...from where I stand, it isn't always worth it.

Probably something people would say I need to figure out how to deal with, but oh well. :P

Here, have a time slot.

2008-07-07T21:56:00.003-04:00

I have often had a hard time believing that it is both necessary and good that my life must be orchestrated around what can fit into specified blocks of time...30 minutes on this afternoon here, 2 hours on that evening there...

But, if I am to:

build relationships with the people around me like I want to,

be involved with social justice like I want to be,

earn a living wage like I have to,

and spend time just reading/writing/musicking/resting/vegging/exercising etc. like I need to,

(and do everything else that crops up in life that must be done)

...then I believe that partitioning my life into time slots is the only way to get to do it all.

I do believe that the American life is different from much of the world in its speed, and think that there are certainly some Americans who could do with a little less speed. If you're flying through a life based around your career (or anything else) at a breakneck speed and it is draining you, then you need to slow down.

But while I can still do all this and be energized rather than drained, then I will continue to do it. Especially because I think one day this will change (read: when I have a family) -- while I'm not accountable to anyone else (I mean, not to the level that you are when you have your own family), I want to be as completely involved in this stuff as I can be.

Yeah, spontaneity is kind of sacrificed when that is the kind of life you lead, in a way. Although...it makes me laugh that I intentionally try to schedule space into my week and month that has nothing actually scheduled in it, so that I can have time to either just relax/recoup or do something spontaneously fun...does scheduling opportunities for spontaneity mean it's no longer spontaneous??? ahhhhh :) haha.

And I have decided that sometime in the next year, I am going to try to realize a long-time goal of mine and seek a weekend (or more) of individual retreat at a monastic guest house. Preferably a really old one :)

It's all about the balance.

So, for this stage of my life, time slots it is, then.

Should I stay, or should I go?

2008-07-07T12:05:00.002-04:00

...except, now that I think about it, that's not really an apt title for this post. Because my question isn't so much about "should I, or shouldn't I?"...

I've had a few recent conversations about how much I am loving getting ingrained into the fabric of my community (Raleigh...never thought I'd say that), but how I never like to make "life" plans more than 6 months out, because...I don't want it to be hard to pull up roots. Partly because there's a piece of me that longs to be a part of a world outside of the United States of America.

But the truth is, it would be hard for me to pull up roots; there's no getting around it. A friend I just had a beach weekend with was talking about how she's feeling pulled to something international, possibly, and all I can think is, "you just moved to North Carolina and are looking for your second job here - how can you even be thinking about leaving already?"

Oh, Melinda :)

A joke from this past weekend is about how "slow" I am - with getting ready, with getting places, with making decisions, with everything. 'Tis true, I own that one. Part of the problem is probably that I don't have a problem with that particular characteristic of mine, hehe. Anyway, maybe that just means that I do things in life slowly, and that this is okay - maybe I will slowly become a part of this community of Raleigh, NC, and one day will perhaps slowly grow into a totally new life somewhere else.

So really, it's not a matter of should I or shouldn't I (not yet, anyway) - just a matter of taking care to fulfill God's mission for me right here, right now. And hopefully He'll make it obvious when the "here" needs to change.

Arrrr!

2008-06-24T23:29:00.002-04:00

My pirate name is:

Mad Jenny Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

(I think this is what happens when you're trying to do work at 11:30 at night..)

Come celebrate the 4th of July with the homeless!

2008-06-24T20:50:00.005-04:00

The following is taken from the LoveWinsAlways blog.

---------------------------------

A lot of people have wanted to know some practical ways they could help in our mission of loving the poor, homeless and destitute of Raleigh, North Carolina. Here is your chance.

At 4pm on the Fourth of July, 2008 we are going to have a cookout in Moore Square (click here for a map) in downtown, Raleigh. There will be hot dogs, baked beans, watermelon, soft drinks and much more (we hope, anyway). If somebody could bring some guitars and such, that would be pretty cool too.

Why are we doing this, you ask? Several reasons:

Because while no doubt you have friends and loved ones to spend the Fourth with, many of the homeless and poor do not. Bring your friends and loved ones with you.
Because on holidays the soup kitchens are closed, so any free meals usually consist of bag lunches with peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Surely we can do better than that?
Because when the poor go hungry, it ticks Jesus off.
Because you need more friends who have less than you do.
Because you will get to eat with some really cool people.
Because things like friendship, community, dignity and happiness are important in the Kingdom of God.
Because while everyone else is celebrating their allegiance to the American Empire (the same Empire that often says your worth is related to your net worth), we can show our ultimate allegiance to the Kingdom of God, which says these people are priceless and worth fighting for.

NOTE: The purpose of this event is not to win souls, to pass out tracts or to break out with the street preaching. Instead, we want to have fun, to meet new people and to show the love of God in the way of Jesus.

If this sounds like something you would like to be a part of, we need lots of food and help to pull this off. ~~Leave a comment below or~~ send me an email and I will send you a list of things we need.

i don't understand bored.

2008-06-17T20:37:00.005-04:00

Really, I don't. I don't at all know how to relate to people who don't know what to do with their time and thus sometimes must wallow in that annoyance called boredom...seriously, I would be happy to take some of their disposable time off their hands (and I'm not talking about for purposes of getting the house clean or finally doing all the laundry).

Because I have come to the unsatisfactory but realistic conclusion that I will never be able to do everything I want at a given point in my life, because there are simply way too many things I want to do.

Right now, I'm:

learning about cultural competence as it relates to the response to human trafficking
developing a network of local faith communities to respond to local human trafficking
painting a little bit
going to a weekly homegroup for my church
starting a journey group-discipleship thing with a couple other girls
trying to learn how to be a booking agent for a music artist
planning wall murals for a children's clinic
~~teaching women's self-defense~~ (on hiatus for a few more months until the ol' knee heals up!)
working out sort of regularly (is that an oxymoron?)

But I ALSO want to:

start writing articles again
paint a lot more
start a mixed media project
get involved in community theater
start/front a jazz band
somehow find myself singing for a not-jazz band (even after years, I've never really figured out what that means...some kind of cross between Over the Rhine and Regina Spektor and Natasha Bedingfield and Fiona Apple and Patty Griffin and Schuyler Fisk)
hike/bike the state parks and greenways
really learn how to salsa
work out very regularly
start ballet again
learn how to use my loop station and compose avant cello songs
learn how to play guitar, at least enough to legitimately do open mic nights
do Jubilee-type work full time
learn to become a decent photographer

The frustrating thing is none of these things are out of the realm of doability in and of themselves - they're not those lofty dream-goals I had/I still have like "live in Spain" or "open a chocolate shop." The only solution I can wrap my brain around is that maybe I'll eventually get things out of my system so I can start spending pieces of my life on the next thing.

I can't help but think, though, that there are very few things on either of those lists I'll actually want to quit. I mean, the three things I was doing and am not doing now (writing articles, taking ballet and teaching self-defense) I want to go back to! How am I ever going to get to all the new things I want to do?

Basically, the likely reality is that there will be things in life that I really want to do, but they'll just have to get the shaft, because there is only so much of me to go around, and I'll have to get over it.

This post probably sounds like I'm trying to impress people because I'm "so very interesting, look at all the things I want to do!" but seriously, I'm just trying to work through said "get over it" process. Blah.

ShellyRhettLink

2008-06-12T16:28:00.004-04:00

I would just like to put in plugs for my friends Shelly of the Shelly Moore Band and Rhett and Link of...Rhett & Link. (Okay, so I've never actually met Link...but it's almost like you just can't say Rhett anymore without also saying Link. Sorry, Rhett. 'n'Link.)

Both exceptionally talented groups, one is currently promoting their beautifully crafted album of heartfelt worship(ful) songs, and the other is launching their coverage of their Alka-Seltzer Great American Road Trip today. Personally, I think one is among the cream of the crop of Christian artists out there, and the other is going to soon be giving those FreeCreditReport.com and Embarq guys all a run for their money. How Shelly is going to pull it off I just don't know, but....kidding. I'm pretty sure their pictures give an idea of who would be doing what..

But you know what they both are? AWESOME. Check them out.

Halos? Really?

2008-06-12T10:19:00.007-04:00

Corporate people tend to see cause marketing (when corporations and businesses align themselves with a cause or charity - like the partnership between McDonalds' and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital) as a great beneficial relationship, one that raises money and positive notoriety for the cause and boosts goodwill (and thus possibly sales) toward the corporation.

I've heard non-corporate people make scathing remarks about cause marketing as an empty, shallow ploy that exploits charity for the corporation's own gain.

I don't think it's ever so black-and-white, 100% of the time. I don't doubt that there are some businesses that, were cause marketing a nonexistent concept, are truly driven by selfish (or at the least, ignorant) people who would see no reason to help others if it doesn't help them -- but there are others that would engage in charitable practices anyway, because it's the right and socially responsible thing to do.

And I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a corporate marketing director working on cause marketing who is sniggering greedily about what an unwitting tool their charity is.

I do admit that it feels a bit odd to have a ceremony to "hand out the halos;" that seems taking it a bit far...but if cause marketing benefits a cause that could use the help (as most all causes could), does it matter if the company's intentions are less than purely altruistic?

Even if I wasn't a hippie...

2008-06-02T11:46:00.002-04:00

...there's still no way I would ever understand the mindset that drives women to do this: http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/1093016.html

There is a 14-year-old girl who was forced to be a sex slave right here in Wake County, NC.

2008-05-30T09:23:00.006-04:00

I encourage you to read this and other news about human trafficking going on in our country, and in our state. The abolitionist group I'm involved with has a wiki set up that includes state and national articles (see "Media Reports")...including a story from the N&O today about a sex trafficking case right here in Wake County.

ramble and muse..

2008-05-28T23:03:00.005-04:00

I just had an interesting question/thought.

Since my "depressive period" three years ago, I have had to make a continual and active effort to never return there, to never indulge in those lines of thinking that I know can lead me there. In times of crisis it is necessarily a more concentrated effort, and that is where I find myself now, with my lovely big health insurance nightmare.

Anyway, my tendencies (or I think that's actually too strong of a word...but I can't think of a lesser one for now) being something I'm more conscious of these days, I've had the subject of depression on my mind more - well, because of that and also just because it's a subject that kind of fascinates me, as a matter of psychology and sociology.

ANYway, just now in the midst of one of said musings, it struck me how there would be so many more healthy and happy people (or at least, perhaps, healthier and happier) were it not for shame. When I look back on my own experiences, finally learning to be open with others about my hardship was hands down the first and biggest movement toward a recovery. The thing that prevented this step for nearly half a year was, quite irrefutably, shame. People thought I had things together. I didn't want anyone to know I was broken.

And then it struck me how so many women involved in some kind of abuse or trafficking or exploitation don't seek help because of shame, because the pain they live in somehow seems better than the pain of being exposed. Some cultures actually even hold to the belief that, for example, a woman who is raped has been shamed and she should rather die than be exposed and bring shame to her family. As if it was her choice to start with.

And so my question is, WHY? If our culture(s) didn't denigrate people who have fallen victim to depression, abuse, mental illness etc., I truly believe many individuals would feel so much freer to seek the help they need, be it medical, legal, or maybe just a conversation with a friend.

The real shame is how people respond to the broken. Brokenness in certain forms is disturbing to "non-broken" people who don't know how to deal with with it, and so they don't want to hear about it. And that's the sentiment that our society has built itself on (maybe it's better than 50 years ago, but there's still a long way to go), and those who are broken know this, they feel it, and so they keep quiet in their own little mental dungeons.

And the funny thing is, I don't actually believe that "non-broken" people exist. I'm not sure why over time, certain things got singled out to have shame attached to them, why there are some things that people just don't like to talk about. It took me over a year, I think, to be able to talk freely about depression, and now it's no big deal - to me. But I still get the feeling that for someone to speak freely about something like that, to someone who has never experienced anything similar, it is a bit shocking and uncomfortable. And I think that's a problem.

Slavery STILL Exists (i.e., if you want to stay in the dark, don't read this)

2008-05-27T10:05:00.001-04:00

I have been digging through the world of human trafficking for the past half-year, and am continually becoming convinced that one of the greatest shames, one of the greatest tragedies, is that so many people in the United States and throughout the world have no idea that this is even going on.

Almost every one I know in this fight has a story similar to mine, and it's one with a common theme of shock. I mean, I'd always known about "sweatshops" and "sex slaves" and the like, but really, I had no idea...I didn't think about it much. I didn't know it was like this. I didn't know the trade of human beings is the third most active criminal enterprise worldwide, next only to drugs and firearms. I didn't know that numbers-wise, slavery captures many more lives today than did the transatlantic slave trade of a couple centuries ago.

* * *

Though not technically visually graphic, this video is disturbing, as it should be. But if you can't watch it, at least watch the second one, for Radiohead's "All I Need."

Communitas.

2008-05-15T14:11:00.006-04:00

There's a big push in the Christian world (at least, among my generation) toward all things "community" and "relationships" and the like. I am intrigued by it all, from New Monasticism to Nieu Communities to less-hardcore versions like my church's "journey groups" (intentional, spiritually-focused relationships between three or four of the church body).

I can't say I embrace it all though, at least not practically. Part of me thrills at the thought of being refined by fire (as it surely would be for this girl, who loves her privacy dearly) through an intimate community of believers that reaches out to the surrounding community-at-large just as much as it grows closer and more connected to each other and God from within.

But...

The problem with the other (bigger) part of me is that, ironically, I have finally achieved what I have been aiming to achieve for the last 24 years. I am settled in a nice apartment in a lovely part of town with a great roommate and a wonderful church and great friends and a good job, and am heartily time-invested in several causes that are important to me...and the last thing I want to do is to shake all that up.

And I will admit something that I have never before dared to admit beyond the confines of my own mind: for several years, I've had a Jonah-esque fear that God may one day ask me let him shake my life up, and move me far, far away to who knows where, to do who knows what.

I've never admitted that aloud, because I have this dumb idea that I will jinx it into happening if I do (as if I could trick God into not asking, simply by never mentioning it...)

I think that's one reason I have been pretty adamant about not ever making big life plans for anything further than 6 months out - because if God did want me to do something totally uncomfortable, at least it might be less painful than if I had to be absolutely ripped away from the roots I had been so focused on growing..

That, and (and this might sound stupid, but it's honest) I have this idea that doing anything for God - like moving to a rural South American community, or joining a ministerial community in my own state, or what have you - means begging people for money, and the very thought of that makes my insides cringe. Fundraising makes me miserable - it rubs hard against the grain of my very personality, and I never want to have to do it.

Ah, me. Call me a coward, but I'm just not going to think about any of that much, for now.

proceso, no producto...

2008-05-05T19:27:00.012-04:00

orrr, not.

I normally love that philosophy I first learned from from my favorite Spanish teacher, "process, not product." But as far as this new knee goes, I'm all about getting this process over and getting the final product.

However, good news is that apparently "I must be a fast healer" as my PT said today, as the process is going very well. Though, if there's one word that I would use to describe this whole process, it would be, irrefutably: weird.

Weird, because...

One's first surgery experience is necessarily so, I think. I don't remember falling asleep, or waking up. And I never thought I could possibly be so glad for a bedpan as I was at about 2pm on April 24. Thank goodness I was on inhibition-reducing drugs, or else I would probably have refused it...and that just couldn't have ended well.

When everything you do requires very slow, incremental movements (or in the first week, hardly any movement at all), you get into a time warp. I have been in a time warp for 12 days, almost two weeks since my surgery!! What?? How? (Everything takes so long to do, and with so much concentration and carefulness, that time actually goes by very quickly..and yet I never seem to be getting much done.)

It's so strange that one week of sitting in a chair weakens you so much that you'll take months and months to recover your strength.

I feel like an elderly person. In addition to my crutches I have a walker in the kitchen, a cane in the bathroom and a chair in the shower (the last three of which belong to my grandma...who apparently is getting around much better than I am these days). And now that I'm weaning off of one crutch, I am walking (shuffling) even more slowly now.

Perhaps the strangest (and most wonderful) thing is that I have experienced next-to-no pain this whole time, and with minimal help from strong meds (which I quit after about six days anyway, because they were making me sick!) I think I can only attribute that to the prayers on my behalf, because that definitely makes no sense! So thank you if you prayed!...the doctors did a phenomenal job, or I have a super pain-resisting body, or something, but I am so grateful that on top of the many inconveniences, the only bodily discomfort I've really had to deal with was side affects from the drugs during the first week. Even PT isn't very bad...I didn't even remember to take Tylenol beforehand today and I was fine.

12 days down, about six months to go...but I seriously think I've about finished the hardest part, thank God!!!!!

(that picture was actually the day of the surgery...the Robogirl leg has been gone for about a week now, replaced with a very misshapen-but-getting-stronger-every-day appendage. I'll take that.)

well, shoot haha

2008-04-23T15:47:00.005-04:00

So not only am I getting my knee cut up tomorrow, but to add insult to injury (hmm..no pun intended), I just found my first gray hair. I am SHOCKED I tell you, SHOCKED!

hehe :P It's all good though...that's actually funny to me. Especially considering that only a few days ago did I tell my hairstylist that if I got my dad's genes, I wouldn't see any gray until I was in my 40's.

Thanks Mom ;)

Where's the line?

2008-04-22T22:42:00.007-04:00

My somewhat recent (if a year is recent) foray into the world of social justice has kind of messed up my life. And I'm not talking in that euphemistic way of describing "how glad I am to have found my calling and I'll never be the same yaddayadda..." I suppose that is true, but when I think of "messed up," I really am thinking in terms of inconvenience. Discomfort. Annoyance. Irritation.

It's really incovenient that: my conscience won't allow me to shop at Victoria's Secret anymore, because the word "sweatshop" has a much more robust meaning to me these days.

It's annoying that: I feel as if I'll be more apt to be perceived as prudish these days, because my work against modern slavery has opened my eyes to how our society distorts and abuses sexuality in a way that contributes to so much harm in so, so many ways.

It's irritating that: my work in women's safety and abolitionism has replaced my inoculation to violence with an aversion to it, to the extent that my television and cinema entertainment choices have become more limited.

It sucks that: my most recent attendance at a show of a certain favorite 80's party band was probably my last, because for the first time I found myself unable to brush off or excuse their explicit raunchiness-as-performance-shtick.

...and I could go on. But not indefinitely, because I haven't yet become willing to be a martyr for the idea of social justice itself...

I've been wrestling with a concept that is at the foundation of my abolition group Jubilee - "standing for justice, rejoicing in freedom" - freedom in both the physical sense and all the metaphysical senses. One Jubilee woman once shared about a friend who was completely obsessed with only eating slow (local) foods, buying only free-trade items, taking great care to never accidentally support anything that directly or indirectly harmed anyone or anything...and if you consider what it would take to live that way, that is not freedom...that is being chained down by an idea.

But of course it's not a bad idea, right? I mean, you're being a responsible, caring, "good person." But I just think that something is lost when you make your life almost impossible to live for the sake of never having anything to do with something even remotely tainted.

But do I think it's okay to let some things slide? Well, I can't say that I do. But I do let things slide; I choose to not research every little thing I buy/do/eat/etc. because I don't want to go crazy.

...But part of me really wishes I had the fortitude and discipline to be like that stringently conscious woman.

...But part of me doesn't want to hear about another favorite company that uses sweatshops or another entertaining t.v. show that has faulty sexual morals, because I don't want to feel compelled to sacrifice yet one more thing...nor do I think a life burdened by solid sacrifices is any way to live, particularly if I claim to have freedom in Christ.

...But then I'm struck with how unfair it is that I have the choice to either sacrifice enjoyment/convenience or to let things slide, whereas so many others in the world do not.

But, but, but.........clearly I have not resolved this issue in my mind. I wonder if I ever will?..

it's time

2008-04-15T16:11:00.008-04:00

"it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again"

[love it]

twitter THIS. what.

2008-04-11T15:07:00.010-04:00

So I've seen twitterings all over the place lately, and I finally felt like I had to know what it is. I've intentionally avoided it up til now, because: as a "communications professional," I am forever being inundated with webinars, newsletters, emails, etc etc etcetcetectetdcet about Social Freakin' Media. I promise, it is the buzzword in the communications sector...and I am sick of it! Now, I like my Facebook to keep up with people, but beyond that I just don't like the idea of using the faceless (no pun intended) internet for what I consider to be essentially faux-relationship building. And at the risk of sounding hypocritical, this blog is mainly for catharsis and practice...I'm not exactly trying to find life-long friends here.

I tried to explain this to my father the other day (specifically, telling him I found LinkedIn to be useless to me), at which he point he proceeded to lecture me on how, if I want to advance myself professionally, I really need to learn how to use it (and he would be happy to teach me).

AHHH!

* * *

In other news - this season is the first time I've watched AI in about...mmm, probably four or five years, and I have to say, Jason Castro wins me over just about every time. No hay más remedio.

But until last night, I have never before actually been sad about an American Idol contestant getting the boot. I'm sorry, Michael Johns. And I can't believe I ever used to like Ryan "I'm going to make you think we'll give you a break like at last year's Idol Gives Back, and then crush this falsely-raised hope beneath my Gucci shoe" Seacrest...what a jerk. That's too sensationalist, even for Idol.

Target is creepy

2008-04-06T15:33:00.003-04:00

I don't often have occasion to go to Target...partly because I feel this need to not allow myself to get attached to it...like there's something slightly weird about it.

Even before you go into the store (like I had to do today), you see these commercials practically designed to hypnotize you. And then once you get inside the store and make a purchase...I feel like somehow, likely in a very cute way, you are supporting The Man.

Seriously, every time I go into a Target it reminds me of that "Josie & the Pussycats" movie because of the subliminal messages. hah.

Oprah's Big Give - what do YOU think?

2008-03-24T16:43:00.003-04:00

"Bundles of CASH...what would YOU do?"
-from "Oprah's Big Give" website

Now, Oprah's Big Give is a new show this season that "defies television convention with the bold idea of people competing to give rather than get."

And I just can't decide what I think about it.

Are some lives being changed for the better? I'm sure of it. Is this something Oprah cooked up because it was a sure-fire ratings coup? I doubt that was the only motivation...I mean, there are obvious pros to the show. I just wonder if the less-obvious cons outweigh them.

Is the "good feeling" produced by the show worth it, or is it just going to be a fad that will fade as does the show's novelty (or existence)? Does it just boil down to yet another an exploitation of the warm fuzzies for the sake of a successful sweeps run?

Similarly, some folks even question the value of American Idol's wildly popular "Idol Gives Back" show, saying that the amount of money spent promoting it isn't justified by the amount donated (though I would insert that SOME money definitely does have to be spent on promotion).

Questions, questions...if you're so inclined to respond, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

listen: porn is not okay.

2008-03-19T22:17:00.015-04:00

I just have to say this - call it ranting if you like; I call it pleading.

I spend a lot of my time trying to make this world in which I live safer for other women, through helping with self-defense/rape prevention training and through the anti-human trafficking movement (a.k.a., the modern abolitionist movement). So I've become quite familiar with a lot of the stories and the issues that thread their way through the huge problems of sexual assault and sex trafficking (which overlap, of course).

There are a lot of causes for both of these problems, but one that really, really breaks my heart is the porn industry - because there are so many people, good people, who don't grasp the harm they're inflicting by engaging with the porn industry.

It's common, especially in this age of accessibility. It's so common that it's easy to joke about and write off--I know there are plenty of people who don't want to admit it's wrong, and plenty more who seriously don't see the big deal, period. But let me break it down for you:

1) Both the supply of and demand for porn create a need for "talent." Some individuals supply this of their own free will; some do not. Trafficked women and children are sexually exploited every day, in ways that you don't want to imagine, for the sake of sustaining the porn industry (as well as all other markets of the sex industry).
2) Maybe you personally think you respect women, but the porn industry feeds an incredibly dangerous mindset of contempt and disregard for women (again, like all other aspects of the sex industry). This mindset is what allows for unspeakable things to be done to women for the sake of money, pleasure and power.

So to anyone who is a porn consumer, or anyone who is involved with the production of it, I have no condemnation for you here, because I'm a completely imperfect person myself and am in no place to judge you. But what I do have for you here is a plea - please, commit to stop; commit to getting out. Find a way. You're contributing to something so much bigger than yourself. And it's something evil; there's no way around it.

(It's actually a bigger issue than just pornography and even bigger than the sex industry, but I don't have the energy to go into it right now....you can read this post (especially the end) by my friend Traci to see more of what I'm talking about.)

sfjoweghsl&*@#dj

2008-03-13T13:21:00.005-04:00

I hope for the sake of The Frames & Marketa Irglova that they have a bunch of fans in the Triangle who can afford these kinds of ridiculous ticket prices, because it would be a disappointment to any artist to have a "sold-out show" in a half-empty theater.

Meymandi has 1,700 seats. They were all sold in less than one week. If that is because there are a lot of people who recognize and appreciate Glen Hansard & Marketa's amazing artistry, then that's okay.

If it is because a bunch of scalpers are trying to capitalize on an Oscar win, and thus effectively separating said Oscar-winners from the people for whom they made the music (aka, people who enjoy it), then that is not okay.

It's not that I'm complaining about missing the opportunity to see some of my favorite musicians. It's that I'm struck with the irony of Glen Hansard's Oscar speech closer, "Make art! Make art!"

...because the trouble is, SCALPERS RUIN ART.

it's official - she's going under the knife!

2008-03-12T10:11:00.010-04:00

And under the drill, and...just going under, period. I had already decided that if I liked the Duke ACL specialist I met with on Monday, I'd go ahead and schedule my surgery with him, and that's what happened. I definitely feel like I'm in good hands, and he was also just a nice guy, which is kind of important to me in a doctor for some reason. Plus, they're slightly more innovative in their ACL reconstruction methods there.

It was kinda cool too because the resident who first attended me used to do tae kwon do and had done something similar to his knee, so he understood and was able to help me explain the mechanics of my injury to Dr. Garrett. I think I'm his first kickboxing ACL injury, go me ;) hehe.

Turns out I was correct about my left knee too, which I strained back in December: it was a similar kind of strain, except without the actual tear. I.e., I'm going to insist that my physical therapist work with me on both knees...it only makes sense, since my l. knee didn't have a chance to get back to 100% before I messed up the other one.

Anyway, April 24 is the day!

Kinda weird.

when Sunday School meets real life

2008-03-07T22:45:00.004-05:00

The ironic thing about clichés is that, even though we're inclined to disregard them (or even look down on them), the very fact that they're based in truth is why they became clichés to begin with.

A big cliché in the Christian faith is "to surrender"...to surrender your life to Christ, to surrender your problems to God, to surrender what you want and think is best and to trust in the Lord instead.

I've heard that language all my life, literally - but like most of the "Sunday school lessons" I've learned since I was old enough to talk, it's so much more easily said than done.

What does that mean, to surrender? Seriously, what? hah. It's a continual process, I do know that for sure. I mean, there's the beginning, that first decision to trust in God and his promise of redemption...but then it's like the rest of your life is a continual series of chances to keep surrendering...or to hold back, whether you mean to or not. Not that God's redemption is conditional on your being able to keep it together, thank goodness, since there's this little thing called being human that kind of gets in the way sometimes..

But the irony about this is that things have a way of getting so much easier when you "give it up to God," and yet it's pretty hard to do sometimes. really hard sometimes.

melindapoesía.

2008-03-07T16:13:00.010-05:00

I think it was sophomore year of college when I started writing poems. Can't say that I would actually call what I wrote back then "poetry," but you have to start somewhere, no?

It's so interesting to go back and re-read your own poems. For some, I know without even thinking what it is that inspired them. And then some of them were clearly (to me) written in times of great internal distress...and yet I have absolutely no idea what they're about. Kind of puts things in perspective!..

I decided to finally put them in one public place - not all of them, but the last few years' worth of finished poems, anyway.

It's been a long while since I've written any. Or written anything at all, for that matter. Not sure why that is, although I suspect it's because my life has been pretty darn good for the past half year or so. Not much apparent need for catharsis, you know.

Of course, if the past month or so is any indication, that may change soon, but that's okay; I enjoy writing and have long since accepted that my (and, probably most people's) inclination and inspiration to write almost always comes from a source of irritation (or worse).

* * *

A couple weeks ago I had the privilege of visiting my dear friend and former pastor and had a fascinating and basically life-changing conversation with him (which somehow always seems to happen when I get to really talk with him). Which I'll probably write about later. Anyway, at one point in our conversation, he recalled a friend telling him, "You are a poet."

To which he replied, "Well, I feel too damn disturbed to be of any use to anybody!"

To which his friend replied, "I've never met a poet who wasn't disturbed!"

Annnd I think that's just fine. Don't believe I could have put it better myself.

let the "games" begin.

2008-03-05T10:48:00.004-05:00

As many of you already know, my little knee injury from a few weeks ago turned out to be a torn ACL that requires surgery. And that equals Melinda having a jolly time running to this appointment and that appointment and making this phone call to the insurance company and another call to the insurance company and another call...it's lovely...but something I'm really excited about is I have an appointment on Monday with this guy. He and his nurse are going to "talk with me about their ACL protocol," whatever that means; I just hope it includes "I'd be happy to be your surgeon" because I seriously can't imagine finding better credentials! As a friend told me last night, if you're gonna get hurt, the Triangle is the place to do it. hah :)

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words and encouragement...I'm dealing with the whole idea much better now and am pressing ahead to move this thing along! Of course, the hardest part is potentially a month or two away, yet (the post-surgery rehab). I apologize in advance for the complaining that will inevitably slip past my lips once that starts...but hopefully the attitude I have now will somehow carry me through the coming 6-9 (-12?) months. Because, I am weirdly chipper about the whole thing right now, hah. I think that's because of all the people - including people who just met me! - who are being awesome support with the whole thing. Thanks! :)

a spattering of thoughts

2008-02-19T10:39:00.011-05:00

I'm only one week into my doctor-ordered inactivity, and I'm already going stir crazy with boredom...ah me. Three to four days a week of Muay Thai, self-defense and ballet training once upon a time, and now I sit and watch tv and movies all evening. I would write, but my computer is broken, and I would read, but all my books are kind of depressing for some reason. I've definitely got to come up with another plan, because I can almost feel my life wasting away as it gets sucked into that tube of so-called entertainment. There are precious few moments of real, worthwhile entertainment to be had from a television set.

Though, there's something to be said for a season of silence and reflection, but that's a hard, uncomfortable place to go, most times. Which is probably why I should go there. shoot. I'll have to think about that one..

The job isn't so hot right now. I like what I do in and of itself, but lately my position has morphed into something that could only be reasonably handled by two people (which is why I shouldn't be blogging right now). Since I am only one, I'm pretty overwhelmed and frustrated (which is why I am blogging right now). Last night my dad told me that "something is wrong with my job description" if I am ever at a point where I am able to fulfill 100% of my responsibilities. That seems like a jacked-up way of looking at it, but okay. I know this is the "real world," but I still find it strange that people would prefer you to do a bunch of stuff at a mediocre level rather than do fewer things at an excellent level. But that's just me.

Also, I've learned lately (both at and outside of work) that I don't deal with negative people well. As much as I try to shore up myself against the world, I'm still a sensitive person as they say, and have to make a conscious effort not to absorb negativity that is around me. A coworker was, as usual, venting in my office the other day and I told her I couldn't take it anymore and to get out. She thought I was just being funny...I let her think that, but, yeah, I wasn't. hah. I mean, venting is necessary for most of us...but not constantly. yech. I'm thankful most of the people in my life tend more toward the positive....(though I feel compelled to say to my wonderful roommate Emily, I'm sorry you have to bear the brunt of my complaining and whining; I guess I just have to get it out of my system sometimes :P)

One thing Emily and I have ~~complained about~~ regretted together is the lack of community that settles into your life after the undergraduate years. For most of us, college means living 24/7 with constant access to your friends, in some form or fashion...and then suddenly jobs, relocations, marriages and even just laziness get in the way, and before you know it, what was once a simple showing up at your friend's apartment to hang out is now a complex production full of timing issues, rescheduling and cancellations.

I'm surviving just fine without everything else that was great about college...but I do miss the community, I miss the ready fellowship. I'm trying, but it's a difficult thing to recreate.

Annnnd now it's definitely time for me to get back to work! hehe.

When the couch potato dives headfirst into a contact sport...

2008-02-12T15:26:00.000-05:00

...there are bound to be some laughs.

Especially when that's all you can do, because you still can't believe it.

As in these days, I laugh all the time (in disbelief/irony/fun/bewilderment) at the fact that I, previously the total non-athlete, have been training in Muay Thai for the past few months, and am loving it.

Prior to that, my physical activity mainly consisted of going to the gym about ten times a year (maybe). I mean, I "played" soccer when I was very little...I did gymnastics (and Jazzercise! yeah!), and tried out for track and volleyball in middle and high school. (Can't really say why, since I hate to run and am no good with a ball...)

And that would be it. Well, that's not totally true - I like walking park trails, I like to play catch with my dad, and my roommate and I are re-learning how to ride our bikes after a decade of un-use...

Hah.

So yeah, every once in a while, I think of how odd it is to find boxing gloves on my hands a few nights a week, and to constantly discover inexplicable bruises and scrapes all over my body.

And being only recently initiated to the active world of which sports-related injuries are a natural part, I find it very strange that this Valentine's day will find me hanging out with an orthopedic surgeon. But, since my right knee is currently quite a different shape from my left knee, that is where I will be.

Not that anyone likes to get hurt, but I have never before been so scowl-on-my-face mad about being injured, because it means I don't get to play for a while...I want to play!!! (er...fight?)

But I'll be back. Muwahaha.

warning: rambling post ahead

2008-01-29T11:41:00.000-05:00

GRR, I guess it is just one of those days where you're bound to be in a funk and you just have to be okay with it. Of course, I'm sure I could do something about it if I were, say, on vacation at a luxurious island resort :) But since I'm at the office, I'll have to make do with that.

That didn't make much sense but I don't care too much today!

My brain (or, probably more likely, the human brain) works in such weird ways...last night I finished a book called Marley and Me, a book a journalist published a few years ago about life with his crazy Labrador. I had started the book a few months ago as a lite-lit break from all the heady readings I've been doing lately about social justice and women's issues and such. Anyway, as a fellow dog-lover who has a similarly insane pooch, I unexpectedly ended up loving the book, which is very well written. ANYway, I had been putting off the last chapter for about a month, because I knew what it would contain. And last night I decided that if I couldn't handle it in a book I wouldn't be able to handle it in real life, so I finished it.

And cried my eyes out. Geez. And back to the point about weird-brain-workings, reading about Marley dying (in case you didn't figure that part out) naturally made me think of how much I'll miss my own aging puppy when he leaves us in an inevitably short few years, which made me think and grieve again over my family's loss of my cousin Joanna earlier this year. And continuing into this morning, I'm thinking about the dirty little secrets and disappointing truths about the nonprofit sector that most people outside the NGO world assume don't exist, and about the infuriating (to me) divisiveness that often appears to be the predominant feature of the modern-day Church, and I'm reading about inadequate legislation for labor-and-sex-trafficked victims, and about heartbreaking stories of trafficking, rape and domestic abuse survivors, and non-survivors. And I'm reading the blog update of a little baby girl with frustrating brain tumor treatment, and thinking about the two other women I know fighting the side effects of inoperable brain tumors, and wondering why the husband of one of them--my friend and former pastor--hasn't updated his blog in five days.

Just had to get that out...

The past 12 hours have reminded me of a lesson I learned repeatedly when I worked at the Alliance of AIDS Services - that if you're not careful, you can let yourself get distracted from the good things in life by the seemingly overpowering and overshadowing bad things. It's hard when you're burdened to work for the good, because that often means working in the face of the bad, which can almost seem to sap away your hope sometimes.

But you just can't let that happen; you have to believe with everything you've got that there is always more hope.

(preaching to myself, here.)

Jesus Christ Sold Here!

2008-01-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

- from last Sunday's PostSecret: -

I don't really get it, either.

(But I'm sure the folks who manufactured these stickers had no motive other than to seriously impact the world.)

Waste not, want not

2008-01-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

So I've been unusually tired of late...yawned my way through an entire meeting this morning (and considering only two other people were part of the meeting, I'm thinking they noticed.)

And a muscle in my right shoulder has been twitching off and on all morning...I can see it jumping maniacally beneath my shirt. I always love it when that happens.

But I'm not buying the "you're getting old" shtick...At seven days shy of my 24th year, I personally think I am barely even approaching my "peak," as depressing people call it. I knowww, everyone says, "once you near 30, you'll understand..."

I doubt that, though. Maybe if I lived in the Middle Ages I would, but come on. Why spend your young years worrying about how they're going to come to an end someday, as if there was something you could do about that?

And to the people who make it sound like your life just goes downhill after age 30 (or 40, or 50), I say: obviously you've not observed enough truly "older" people, because then you would surely see (as I have) that even though some parts of life do get crappier, the parts that get better can more than make up for it. Otherwise, "middle and old age" and "happiness" would be mutually exclusive ideas, which they certainly are not.

On the other end, sometimes I feel pressure to "grow up," to prove that I'm an "adult" (whatever that means). But you know what, I'm a responsible person who contributes to society; so what if I happen to indulge in a little silly girlishness now and then? What is the hurry?

So you can have your regrets and your rushing; I'm not about to waste my youth. Thanks but no thanks.

Don't let your gift cards go to waste!

2008-01-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

You know that sometimes you don't get around to using up every last dollar (or any dollars, sometimes!) of all those gift cards...850 Words of Relevant mentioned a neat solution out there:

Gift Card Giver

The National Retail Federation found that 81 percent of Americans received a gift card last year, and TowerGroup says that the gift card industry has become a 45 billion dollar operation. With millions of dollars on gift cards going unspent, GiftCardGiver.com wants to use them to help others. If you have unused gift cards (or cards with just a few dollars left on them), you can write the remaining balance on the card and send it to Gift Card Giver. They’ll distribute them to non-profit organizations that will put them into the hands of people in need.

Resolutions are more like guidelines....

2008-01-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

So let's see how I did for the 2007 resolutions I posted in December 2006....

Melinda's 2007 Resolutions

1. actually take care of my car
No; in fact, I have been avoiding my maintenance schedule because I'm afraid of what it will tell me ($). I hope you're not reading this Dad
2. utilize my gym more than once a month
Nope, though with ballet and kickboxing I feel like I started to make up for that (at least in the last few months of 2007)
3. stop being crazy
I at least feel slightly less crazy (the bad kind); I began to embrace the good craziness. There is a difference, my friends.
4. improve my work ethic, at least at work
Reached this in part, if not in full...changing to a job i actually like has helped.
5. find work?
DONE whoo hoo! Why was there a question mark?
6. stop freaking out every time someone gets engaged/married
Pretty much got that one down, maybe.
7. find a way to live in Spain without actually leaving the States
no comment
8. write articles for publications that actually pay
I only wrote one article during 2007, so....maybe 2008 is the year.
9. find a way to take dance lessons again
YES i am a ballerinaaaa
10. really learn to trust in/lean on/listen to the Lord
jury's still out
11. get a loop station and become the next Zoe Keating
got the loop station! have yet to try using it. kind of need an amp first...
12. be a much better friend
oo i think i still have a long way to go
13. learn the constellations
i totally forgot about this one
14. go to Raven Rock at least once
no, dang it
15. own and appreciate the fact that i'm an emotional person
got pretty close I think
16. visit my aunt in New York for Thanksgiving
nope
17. play outside a whole lot more
ahhhh, no
18. learn my cello craft more thoroughly
not so much
19. build and learn to play the hammer dulcimer
uh..
20. visit Portland
right
21. stop pretending I don't care about having "someone special"
actually not sure where I even stand on that any more
22. save $
It probably doesn't count if you foolishly squander it all before you really need it
23. finally decide on a tattoo design
I did get closer, at least
24. learn how to be truly honest
Made a little progress, I hope
25. finish a song i'm proud of
i guess? It's mainly finished.
26. volunteer more
Yes.
27. quit doing brainless things like absent-mindedly poking my thumb into a blade to prove it's dull
um..
28. paint
yes, horrah!
29. live somewhere that is not in the middle of nowhere
YES thank God!!
30. stop thinking of myself as a child instead of a woman
still in progress
31. get "Christmas Shoes" banned from the radio
ha...sorry Mike, wherever you are
32. acquire the art of tact
I don't know how to gauge that....em, Michelle?
33. go on a road trip to somewhere that is not the beach
unless you count going to Charlotte by yourself, i guess not
34. write more letters
not so much
35. visit the mountains
nooo :(
36. finally fix up my bike and see about changing "that one great bike ride memory from 10 years ago" to something a bit more current
fix bike: check! ride bike: I thought about it a lot
37. steadily decrease my need for chocolate, cereal, facebook and desserts and computers in general
I just ate cereal and am currently eating chocolate as I write this. and I already used my computer to look at facebook this morning...so I basically sucked this one up
38. stop buying more home decor than actually fits in my space
yep. moving to a smaller space + running out of $ will do that to you
39. figure out what my book's about
oh....i quit wanting to write a book, so..
40. trip it to DC to see my lovely :)
yep! at least on the side of a business trip, anyway
41. learn how to get the most out of my camera
no, DANG it...
42. somehow finally stage that late afternoon field+cello photo shoot i've seen in my brain for 2 years
no again...dang it.

So, overall, I'm happy that I even did some of these. Perhaps a list of 2008 Guidelines will soon follow...

Enjoy music.

2008-01-02T21:58:00.001-05:00

Another take on one of my favorite songs...

I think if I could ever be a part of a song like this, that's as close as I'd come to being able to quit music and live off of that memory forever.

who knew?

2007-12-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

I just had an exciting (to me) and potentially important epiphany.

For some odd reason, ever since the sixth grade when I realized I had a modest talent and great love for writing, I have operated under the belief that Writing is this great, monolithic, all-encompassing thing at its core. Either you like "it," you're good at "it," or you're not.

So not true. Duh.

At the spurring on of teachers, I almost considered pursuing a career in journalism, but something always made me hesitate. I always felt that wrapped up in such a career would be many bits and angles that are pretty unappealing to my personality. Probably still true. At any rate, I thought that I could probably do it; I just wouldn't like it.

My day job requires some minor writing for our website, a task I rarely look forward to. That sentiment always perplexed me ("but I love to write!") until, um, this morning, when it occurred to me that nothing's wrong; I just don't like that kind of writing because I'm not good at it...because I don't like it.

I imagine that many years pass before a journalist has the privilege of covering exclusively those topics that he or she really cares about. I can't stand writing about things that don't interest me personally. And so I could never be a journalist, at least not a good one, because I would probably be miserable. Forget perseverance; you can't *truly* excel in something you don't even like. Quality without passion will simply never reach highest quality. At least in my opinion.

My epiphany: There's no shame in that! I used to think that if you called yourself A Real Writer, you should be able to do it all--from news reports to opinion pieces to novels (to poetry, even if just as poetic prose). WHERE did I get such an idea? Let's quash that feeling of inadequacy right there...geez.

Of course, the catch is that if I only ever write about what interests me, that severely limits readership (take this blog for example, or this very post, even...heh). Which means it's unlikely I'll ever get paid a dime for my musings. But I'm okay with that now. It's kind of freeing. :)

bet you can't see it just once

2007-12-18T12:17:00.000-05:00

The ONCE DVD is coming out today! Hoorah!

not that you should care. but this is my blog, after all.

2007-12-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

So maybe things aren't so shabby these days, artistically speaking...I finally finished the painting I started a year ago, and started another canvas project...I got to have some fun recording in a studio again [I think there are few things as exhilarating and fulfilling as hearing yourself recorded for posterity]...and I'm still on track for making all of my Christmas gifts this year. Can't complain. :)

I came dangerously close to my life becoming boring, though, something that hasn't happened since high school. I've finally reached the point in life where there is no foreseeable "next thing," except the workaday life that will continue on indefinitely (the glamour and excitement of which has worn off since I am no longer really new to this job).

But hopefully I have managed to nip this near-boredom in the bud. I'm going to start kickboxing soon, heck yeah. Ballet and kickboxing, what an odd pair that will make. Maybe I will even put them together and create a new dance craze and make instruction videos.

Melinda's Balletboxing...I can see it now.

come baaaack!

2007-10-25T22:30:00.000-04:00

I've said this how many times? Too many, I think, for me to still be able to say it. But I miss the art in my life. It's even more accurate in Spanish, me hace falta -- "it creates a lacking in me." And this vacancy is becoming a serious source of irritation.

My life, especially my creativity, is in danger of being consumed by my job, something which I plan to nip in the bud after this week. Given this is the first job I've ever had that I truly enjoy, I can tell it's something I'll have to be cautious about...which is weird. But what I really care about is getting involved in a church and a home group, and then finding a way to get tapped into--or even better, become a part of--"the artist community" of the United States. Whatever that means. But when you get even the tiniest taste of it, all you want is more. And I want it back. And I definitely want it more.

wordnerd

Favorite Things: Passage Consignment

Finding a Job In the Nonprofit World

Favorite Things: Amelia Cafe

One week!

A Contemplative Adventure

fairchocolate

videos are fun.

Some days,

Happy Vday-plus-11

No more Facebook for a while.

i am thinking...

New favorites!

I am so tired of cancer...

It's funny....

Introducing The Shiggles!

For the Love of Art

Thankful

Misery loves company ;)

If I could kick myself, I would...

Denied!

Birthday (Month) Musings

Melinda's New Year's Resolutions Guidelines: 2009 Edition

Interesting column in the N&O today.

After all, i AM a girl :P :)

Get thee to a nunnery!

You know you are too busy when...

all i want for Christmas...

This is for Michelle.

mmmm, music..

Edward Cullen = exactly our brand of heroin

BAHhaha....ouch

look what i did!

iwishimayiwishimight

Why I hate election season.

I saw a wonderfully snarky bumper sticker today:

i do not understand

pretty fascinating!

holy weekend, batman!

if i were a female music mashup...

Where Did All the MEN Go? [an open letter to the male gender]

ramble and muse (again)

Music is my boyfriend.

I cannot beg you enough: please don't drink and drive.

"The Death of Evelyn and the Failure of the Church"

death is weird

True Stories

..Go CU...rah rah..

Balance? what?

oh, you Christian hipsters, you.

love, please

Miracle Child

"Good sex" is definitely a matter of opinion.

[musical milestone] *AHHHH!!*

By His Power

Teens stripping online for charity....way to go, Virgin Mobile

CRAZY Japanese water art

how funny

Call + Response: The Film

Attn: wannabe Raleigh street performers

Just stick to the music, Bono!

Mysterium fidei

breaking the musicfast!

Love & Loss

Here, have a time slot.

Should I stay, or should I go?

Arrrr!

Come celebrate the 4th of July with the homeless!

i don't understand bored.

ShellyRhettLink

Halos? Really?

Even if I wasn't a hippie...

There is a 14-year-old girl who was forced to be a sex slave right here in Wake County, NC.

ramble and muse..

Slavery STILL Exists (i.e., if you want to stay in the dark, don't read this)

Communitas.

proceso, no producto...

well, shoot haha

Where's the line?

it's time

[musical milestone] AHHHH!!

listen: porn is not okay.